What could be causing this? Random thoughts and a possible rant

[Jenisautistic]

I’m not sure if this has anything to do with any of my conditions however I am very routine oriented in a way

For example I’m gonna watch a movie On my computer but I keep gravitating toward do YouTube or some thing I’ve already watched mainly YouTube cover songs or music in general Sometimes I listen to music and color Or once in a blue moon while I read Anyway I have Been watching these videos and sometimes doing Things that are typical for me like coloring

The problem is I sometimes overwatch things to the point where it’s not even fun to watch them anymore but yet I still watch it I cannot focus on anything newEven new things I want to watch or even old things I want to watch

Even when I do want to watch something I want to watch or some videos that I need to watch for something like writing even when I do want to watching something I wanna watch or some videos that I need to watch for something like writing advice when trying to write my book for example I cannot focus Also I cannot sleep without listening to music or in general using technology

which is a very bad habit and it makes me feel as if I ever “had” To go to a mental hospital again I would lose that. I would never be able to sleep if I had to go for some odd reason

And even though there’s not much that would cause me to end up in this position at any point in the future Even though I still have a bit of issues it’s hard to explain But my neuropsychologist generally said that’s either never going to happen Or most likely not Ever going to happen I can’t remember which one I keep thinking just in case I should probably learn how to sleep without listening to music or something by my bedside or hugging my stuffed toys or dolls

because in the hospital they were taken away and I don’t know I was allowed to use an MP3 player during the day and night and somebody in the unit lend me his iPod classic do you use during the stay at times

If you don’t remember or haven’t seen my newer posts I have been accepted to the OPWDD services Which is a wonderful win However it still makes me nervous about whats would happen if I have them for a break or whatever cause me to have this happen before

now I’m finally in the realization About what my neuropsychologist said about having anxiety yes I do have anxiety But my anxiety is Making me think that people will think I have bipolar or schizophrenia or something like that

Due to the symptoms I’ve had / been having And I have this intense fear of being treated like a mental health Patient no offense to anyone here who is a mental health patient and if you are. A mental health patient youll probably know in a way what I’m talking About

I am still afraid of being hurt again not so much in the same way I was before or maybe in the same way I was before but Soon I will be going to a day program they call it Day habilitation and I’m nervous about being with people I don’t know along with staff that are new to me I still have my other program but they are focused on the weekend and not really a day habilitation program they just do recreation Firstly I’m afraid of people not understanding me and secondly i’m afraid of them well I don’t know what but that’s what I’m wondering to myself I don’t know what I’m afraid of exactlyAfter this whole COVID-19 thing is I guess is manageable I don’t want to say the word resolved. I hate to ask you guys this but Can routines and repetitive behavior ever bad? Some good things Let me just say that my reading problem is gotten someways better Also My care manager is wonderful and my relationship with my neuropsychologist is better

I feel like it’s a lot better when we’re not in session in the clinical setting

I have been sending her coloring pictures and Chapter summaries and story summaries on what I’ve been reading She has also been sending me coloring pictures
That’s about all I have right now on my random thoughts and may be a bit of a rant

 

[Thinx]

Hi Jenny I was just recalling on another thread a book I read called Do something Different, it was about changing routine behaviours by gradually doing a few different things ,just small things, most days.

It was a good book and taught you how to do this, you could maybe find a copy, or something similar , or create a little gentle pplan for yourself to introduce small changes and work up your skills at this.

It's hard to change habits, this is true for everyone, most people are on autopilot with habits. Try something you do feel you can change, to exercise your change muscles, and work up to the more difficult things.

Like, choose a t shirt to wear today, then change your choice and Wear a different t shirt. You are good at keeping on trying and working on things, I know from other posts you have written.

 

[Ken S.]

I'm very schedule oriented and when something interrupts it I get anxiety bad. I also like to watch the same things over and over. It's perfectly normal to feel anxiety about change. Hopefully it's unfounded.

 

[menander]

The reality is that all those things could happen. People are places in mental hospitals and shocked, drugged, and hurt all the time. Autistic people are shot dead, too, though not as common.

The best practice is to keep calm by whatever means you can and prevent hospitalization. People have had medication taken away let alone MP3 players. What happens is people are stripped and then medicated. So likely if you freaked in hospital, they would just drug you up and then you'd sleep because you'd have no choice.

Seriously, do all you can to maintain your way of life and not end up there. As you know, it can devastate anyone, but seriously destabilize an autistic for years.

 

[Jenisautistic]

The reality is that all those things could happen. People are places in mental hospitals and shocked, drugged, and hurt all the time. Autistic people are shot dead, too, though not as common.

The best practice is to keep calm by whatever means you can and prevent hospitalization. People have had medication taken away let alone MP3 players. What happens is people are stripped and then medicated. So likely if you freaked in hospital, they would just drug you up and then you'd sleep because you'd have no choice.

Seriously, do all you can to maintain your way of life and not end up there. As you know, it can devastate anyone, but seriously destabilize an autistic for years.

I wanna say respectfully I don’t know if you’ve seen my other postings but in general I’ve been abused in more ways than one Even in Ways I would never ever understand at the time When I was young in 2014 Somethings I still don’t understand I may never because They are adult things

but unless you really want me to I don’t want to Reiterate

 

[menander]

I wanna say respectfully I don’t know if you’ve seen my other postings but in general I’ve been abused in more ways than one Even in Ways I would never ever understand at the time When I was young in 2014 Somethings I still don’t understandI may never because They are adult things

but unless you really want me to I don’t want to Reiterate

No you don't need to. A lot of us here have been smashed beyond all hope. I just felt very bad that they would take your things away, the things you would need, and I know they would.

I was just saying try so hard never to be in a position where they would do that or anyone else. Try so hard. People "in charge" can be exceptionally cruel to autistics because we don't fit any of their expectations.

 

[Jenisautistic]

No you don't need to. A lot of us here have been smashed beyond all hope. I just felt very bad that they would take your things away, the things you would need, and I know they would.

I was just saying try so hard never to be in a position where they would do that or anyone else. Try so hard. People "in charge" can be exceptionally cruel to autistics because we don't fit any of their expectations.

thank you I will Luckily now I have the office of people with developmental disabilities services

and the neuropsychologist again said what I Written above

But for some reason in my mind one day I might end up back there for some reason or another

pretty soon hopefully after the place reopens I will be going to a game delegation program and I’m wondering what would they do around the suden attack or something similar

like if I say weird things or end up with some sort of psychosis Or something of the sorts because of what I’ve been thoughAnd End up saying weird things. And stuff like that

 

[tree]

You are describing your anxiety.
Worrying that being anxious and using routines that are comforting to you
(hugging your dolls, watching the same shows over and over, listening to
familiar music) may somehow give people the impression that you are
not competent in life.

That is the anxiety scaring you.
You feel afraid that someone may try to force you to stop your activities
that are harmless, will take them away and leave you helpless.

Your reading program has gotten better.
You feel safe about your care manager and the relationship
with the neuropsych has improved.

It sounds like you are feeling anxious about the unknown, but
that what you do know is helping you.