Mattymatt
Imperfectly Perfect
This is a rhetorical question because the concept of Christmas is more an abstraction for me as I never really experienced it as a child. There were no gifts or happiness. I have trouble relating to Christmas as a holiday or associate any kind of happiness with the day. To me it's just another day and I usually worked it. I really wish I could've been working today because I've too much time on my hands. When it comes to Christmas, I always feel like an imposter or an outsider looking in. Even when I've been invited to other's parties, I still feel more like a ghost in the room than a participant. Christmas is as foreign a concept to me as, say, Mandarin Chinese. It's funny but I always thought I would understand the holiday better if I had a significant other in my life at the time; none of my relationships coincided with Christmas.
I wonder if my seeing Christmas as an abstraction is more a reflection of the abuse I'd received as a child and through my teenage years. Wishing someone a happy holidays feels hollow and perfunctory instead of honest and genuine. I mean I do wish the person well but it I definitely feel a case of imposter syndrome. I feel as if I am totally alone in the weirdness. If this is the case, so be it, but I would love to hear from anyone that can identify with me. I even fear that if I do get into a relationship which lasts through the holidays that I simply won't understand how to de-abstract the holiday so that it feels genuine. Is this the kind of discussion that you have with your significant other? I am almost at the limit of language to describe how I am feeling.
I feel almost sociopathic in this respect because the holidays don't elicit the classic responses of joy and happiness. Instead at the worst, I feel bitter and angry, and at best, I feel neutral. The years of abuse that I suffered have taken their classic toll. The only holiday that I can really relate to is Thanksgiving because it's the only holiday that I experienced any sense of joy and this was because we spent it with my maternal grandmother and grandfather. My poor grandfather - he loved me so very much but his declining health prevented him from being the grandfather he always wanted to be. He had a stroke which left his speech garbled. Some of his last words to me were, "I am so sorry that my body is failing me. I really wanted to teach you how to be a mechanical engineer."
Thanksgiving is now even sad .... holy moly this has gotten long but I needed a brain dump. I am sorry. I miss my grampa Joe very much. Life is cruel - if he hadn't gotten sick my life might have taken an entirely different path. Grampa knew I was different but didn't care one bit at all. He loved me without condition which is more than I can say for just about anyone else, save for my mother. Even to this day, I still get sad around Thanksgiving because he died on Thanksgiving Day in agonizing pain that he couldn't express because of his speech difficulty. I can still see the anguish and torment on his face. So yeah, this is me .... I'm very broken. I never even told anyone I was present for the death of Grampa Joe. I couldn't even face it until now, 28 years later.
I wonder if my seeing Christmas as an abstraction is more a reflection of the abuse I'd received as a child and through my teenage years. Wishing someone a happy holidays feels hollow and perfunctory instead of honest and genuine. I mean I do wish the person well but it I definitely feel a case of imposter syndrome. I feel as if I am totally alone in the weirdness. If this is the case, so be it, but I would love to hear from anyone that can identify with me. I even fear that if I do get into a relationship which lasts through the holidays that I simply won't understand how to de-abstract the holiday so that it feels genuine. Is this the kind of discussion that you have with your significant other? I am almost at the limit of language to describe how I am feeling.
I feel almost sociopathic in this respect because the holidays don't elicit the classic responses of joy and happiness. Instead at the worst, I feel bitter and angry, and at best, I feel neutral. The years of abuse that I suffered have taken their classic toll. The only holiday that I can really relate to is Thanksgiving because it's the only holiday that I experienced any sense of joy and this was because we spent it with my maternal grandmother and grandfather. My poor grandfather - he loved me so very much but his declining health prevented him from being the grandfather he always wanted to be. He had a stroke which left his speech garbled. Some of his last words to me were, "I am so sorry that my body is failing me. I really wanted to teach you how to be a mechanical engineer."
Thanksgiving is now even sad .... holy moly this has gotten long but I needed a brain dump. I am sorry. I miss my grampa Joe very much. Life is cruel - if he hadn't gotten sick my life might have taken an entirely different path. Grampa knew I was different but didn't care one bit at all. He loved me without condition which is more than I can say for just about anyone else, save for my mother. Even to this day, I still get sad around Thanksgiving because he died on Thanksgiving Day in agonizing pain that he couldn't express because of his speech difficulty. I can still see the anguish and torment on his face. So yeah, this is me .... I'm very broken. I never even told anyone I was present for the death of Grampa Joe. I couldn't even face it until now, 28 years later.
