What Is The Point of Friendships?

[bentHnau]

I was reading some posts on a thread about friendships between people with different personality types when I came across a couple of posts that confused me. The general gist of both was that the posters had friends (this is the word they used) who thought ill of the posters because of political and religious differences. These posts did not seem to express distress about this state of affairs; if anything, they expressed amusement.

I don't feel much of a need for friendships, so that is probably a factor in my lack of understanding. However, I would like an intimate relationship with someone else, and the MOST important characteristic to me is that this person share my philosophies on life. So I don't understand how/why someone would be friends with someone who rejects or disagrees with someone's worldview. Things like religion and politics seem fundamental to who we are and how we relate to others because they touch on so many aspects of life, and are so intimately wedded to our personalities.

So, if someone is willing to overlook that in a friend — what is the point of having a friend? Given all the people one has access to, why spend one's limited time on someone who has such profound differences? On the other hand, what is the point of adhering to a philosophy if it is so unimportant, one doesn't care if one's most intimate contacts don't also adhere to it?

 

[zurb]

Some people say 'friend' because 'colleague' or 'associate' is too difficult to spell

And some people just like arguing for arguments sake. They would argue that someone who agrees with them is boring.

 

[Vanilla]

I suppose everyone searches for different things in a friend. Some things you may hope to share, while others you can be fine with being different; depending on what that is. Some people don't mind the differences, because it offers another opinion. Sometimes people become friends, simply because they click well, and enjoy each other's company; regardless of what the other believes.

For example, I have a friend who is a Christian, and I follow no religion. I respect their beliefs, and they respect that I have to interest in following theirs. This factor is not important to us. Of course, everyone is different, so for some, you may prefer someone who believes the same as you, but it's based on what you can live with, and whether it's worth turning down the friendship over. Remember that everyone is different, so finding someone who will agree with all your opinions can be near impossible.

 

[Daniel]

However, I would like an intimate relationship with someone else, and the MOST important characteristic to me is that this person share my philosophies on life. So I don't understand how/why someone would be friends with someone who rejects or disagrees with someone's worldview. Things like religion and politics seem fundamental to who we are and how we relate to others because they touch on so many aspects of life, and are so intimately wedded to our personalities.

So, if someone is willing to overlook that in a friend — what is the point of having a friend? Given all the people one has access to, why spend one's limited time on someone who has such profound differences? On the other hand, what is the point of adhering to a philosophy if it is so unimportant, one doesn't care if one's most intimate contacts don't also adhere to it?

Different strokes for different folks! Witness James Carville and Mary Matalin. People are complex. Some people seek continuity, some seek contrast. People are also so complex that you'll click in some areas, but have differences in others.

Some people have fixed mentalities, others are open to the mentalities of others. I heard the composer/musician Van Dyke Parks say that he was not a sui generis type of creative person--he was an adapter. Whereas some artists are here to do their own unique thing. It's no wonder Parks can say he was "victimized by Brian Wilson's buffoonery" (the Guardian's inflammatory journalistic style aside)--he takes in the ideas of others. I'm the same way.

If I limited myself to those only those who shared my various philosophies, bents and interests, I'd be the loneliest person in the world! But others need consensus. It's all good!

With the closest relationship I ever had, which lasted eleven years--we complemented each other well. We fit in a lot of good ways. What's important, I would say, is that you know what you look for.

 

[bentHnau]

Different strokes for different folks! Witness James Carville and Mary Matalin. People are complex. Some people seek continuity, some seek contrast. People are also so complex that you'll click in some areas, but have differences in others.

I don't understand your post. You seem to discuss differences in worldview as if they were differences is musical taste.

 

[Daniel]

I don't understand your post. You seem to discuss differences in worldview as if they were differences is musical taste.

For me, creativity is as fundamental as a worldview! It's an analogy. Some people are drawn to similarity, some to contrast. Sometimes I like being around people different from me. Sometimes I grow from it, provided we have some fundamental things in common--but worldview doesn't always have to be one of them.

So ignore what I said about Parks and Wilson. Carville and Matalin have diametrically opposed political bents. Yet they clicked, and it works for them. Whereas other people don't like the difference. My point is that both things happen!

's all good!

 

[Tarragon]

Maybe the clue is in the word: it's a combination of friend and ship. Now, would you want this person to be on your ship no matter what the weather? If so, then it's a friendship.

Personally, I run a tight ship, and have a plank to walk irritating people off.

Not to mention I don't invite people onto my boat, and like it that way!

 

[Ericho]

What really makes a friend is being able to accept the differences between each other. In fact, it's been scientifically suggested that people with opposite ideas are more likely to form friendships. The fact that there are differences between so many people is what makes this a unique world.

 

[gouldgrl]

I was reading some posts on a thread about friendships between people with different personality types when I came across a couple of posts that confused me. The general gist of both was that the posters had friends (this is the word they used) who thought ill of the posters because of political and religious differences. These posts did not seem to express distress about this state of affairs; if anything, they expressed amusement.

I don't feel much of a need for friendships, so that is probably a factor in my lack of understanding. However, I would like an intimate relationship with someone else, and the MOST important characteristic to me is that this person share my philosophies on life. So I don't understand how/why someone would be friends with someone who rejects or disagrees with someone's worldview. Things like religion and politics seem fundamental to who we are and how we relate to others because they touch on so many aspects of life, and are so intimately wedded to our personalities.

So, if someone is willing to overlook that in a friend — what is the point of having a friend? Given all the people one has access to, why spend one's limited time on someone who has such profound differences? On the other hand, what is the point of adhering to a philosophy if it is so unimportant, one doesn't care if one's most intimate contacts don't also adhere to it?

I think you make some valid points here.
1) I will sometimes refer to someone as a friend, even though I consider him/her as more of an acquaintance. I have a pretty strict definition of friendship, though.
2) Like you, I would certainly find it difficult (if not impossible) to be true friends with someone whose beliefs/opinions were at odds with mine. As you stated so well, "Things like religion and politics seem fundamental to who we are."
3) If someone did overlook those fundamental differences in a friend, I would venture to say that that person's beliefs were merely superficial. How can you believe in racial equality and be friends with an unrepentant bigot or racist? That friend's attitude would be (or should be) repugnant to you. If you remained friends with him/her it could only be with the intention of trying to change his/her attitude.

Which is, I think, the "point" of having friends according to Aristotle. They help us grow in virtue.

 

[Sass]

The 'point' of friends is the point that an individual finds in having them. I enjoy my friends because they're different to me (otherwise I'd just talk to myself all day, and I enjoy a debate, I can separate people from their opinions, which aren't static, people change their opinions as new information comes to hand). If you don't see a point in having them, then don't.

 

[Patrick]

You have to find the right friends. Let me make that very clear. I also would much rather be alone then be surrounded by people who don't care about me. To tell you the truth, I was like that not so long ago and well..lets just say disaster hit and I got some people whom I would consider lifelong friends now as a result. If you're ever in a disaster, true friends can be instrumental in saving your butt. Also, to be honest with you, most of my friends have been labeled Severely Mentally Ill as well so I guess its true that people hang out with those like themselves. And don't hesitate to find friends who have been labeled Aspie or whatever like you. I mean, those are people who can understand you the most if you know what I'm saying. Heck, I just got a call as I was writing this from my good friend Jed who is himself an Aspie. We were said to be the "weirdest" kids at our school of about 3000 kids. Just find a group you're compatible with and have at it like I did. You'll feel so much better about yourself trust me.

 

[leonard elias]

I was reading some posts on a thread about friendships between people with different personality types when I came across a couple of posts that confused me. The general gist of both was that the posters had friends (this is the word they used) who thought ill of the posters because of political and religious differences. These posts did not seem to express distress about this state of affairs; if anything, they expressed amusement.

I don't feel much of a need for friendships, so that is probably a factor in my lack of understanding. However, I would like an intimate relationship with someone else, and the MOST important characteristic to me is that this person share my philosophies on life. So I don't understand how/why someone would be friends with someone who rejects or disagrees with someone's worldview. Things like religion and politics seem fundamental to who we are and how we relate to others because they touch on so many aspects of life, and are so intimately wedded to our personalities.

So, if someone is willing to overlook that in a friend — what is the point of having a friend? Given all the people one has access to, why spend one's limited time on someone who has such profound differences? On the other hand, what is the point of adhering to a philosophy if it is so unimportant, one doesn't care if one's most intimate contacts don't also adhere to it?

I couldn't agree with you more. Try as I might, and now even bother to have friends, I find my own company sufficient and only need my imagination as my sole friend. It has always comforted me and never let me down. As an artist I am never at a lost for creating new works, only that I don't have the time to do all that I want.

 

[leonard elias]

]
I couldn't agree with you more. Try as I might, and now even don't bother to have friends, I find my own company sufficient and only need my imagination as my sole friend. It has always comforted me and never let me down. As an artist I am never at a lost for creating new works, only that I don't have the time to do all that I want.

 

[Effy]

This reminds me of an article I read - I love the article (#2), because it's so how I view having "friends".

"People with Asperger’s want one friend. The problem is that in adult life your one friend has to be your spouse. So if you know you have Asperger's you need to focus carefully on finding a spouse."​

Granted, I do have friends, but they're either lesbian or gay, and somehow, that's easier than them being straight? I mean, they're not straight men, wanting to hold my hand, get married, and have kids. >.> Ugh.

Edit: As a blogger and someone who RPs on a forum, I have made online friends. I consider some of these great friends. Yes, yes.

 

[Randomperson]

What really makes a friend is being able to accept the differences between each other. In fact, it's been scientifically suggested that people with opposite ideas are more likely to form friendships. The fact that there are differences between so many people is what makes this a unique world.

Yes, well I find myself to have opposing ideas and values to everyone I have ever met, and the amount of raw hatred and malice that has brought upon me has made the world in my view, a dark and awfull place. But that is only my own experience of it.

 

[Ericho]

Umm, I'm just curious. How do you make a new thread here?

 

[Effy]

Umm, I'm just curious. How do you make a new thread here?

In the desired forum, you find at the top a blue button to post a new thread. If you mean this forum in particular, here is a link.
https://www.aspiescentral.com/forums/friends-family-social-skills.33/create-thread

 

[Etzelaire]

I think friendship with an NT is kind of a break in my everyday life, and sometimes it's a source of knowledge income for free with some intelectual people.

 

[Cerulean]

I think some of it for me is that I've been forced to lower my standards. When you're a kid, it's like "oh you like to play on the playground? Me too, let's be friends!" but once life kicks in and you develop your own beliefs, annoying habits, and prejudices, it's almost impossible to find someone who is in the exact same place as you, in terms of interests and beliefs. Instead of looking for all those compatibilities, I look more for someone who has personality traits I enjoy, such as sense of humor, intelligence, etc.
Now if I met an aspie whose had a special interest in something I disagree with, I'm not sure we'd be able to be friends.

To answer the title question, to me the point of friendship is to feel better about life in general. When I know there are others out there who care for me or who are like me, it makes me feel less alone. Even though I don't often get lonely, I'm sure many others have experienced the alone-in-a-crowd feeling, and I don't like that feeling. It's also pleasant to know that if I need something, there will be someone to help out, and if they have a problem, I care enough about them to try and make it better.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I don't think beliefs like religion or politics are important in a friendship unless the friendship is based upon those beliefs. I am firmly an atheist and can't for the life of me understand why anyone would believe in any sort of deity or base the way they live their lives upon a book written thousand of years ago in a completely different culture. My best friend who I have lived with for 2 years is a devout catholic for whom religion is a vitally important part of her everyday life... actually as far as I'm aware she's the only religious person I know. Does this matter? No, because it doesn't impact upon our relationship, we don't discuss religion, she practises her religion away from me and I don't roll by eyes at her beliefs. It is complimentary personalities, similar interests and humour, and simply liking each other which makes our friendship so successful, along with quiet respect for our differences. Now if either of us where the sort of people who felt the need to shove our beliefs down other people's throats that would definitely not be the case.

As for the title question: some people get lonely without friends *shrug*. I don't get lonely, but I enjoy sending time with my few friends simply because it's fun! I enjoy playing board games, drinking tea in quiet company and having someone to discuss whatever TV programme or film we are watching with, it's much more entertaining when there are other people to appreciate your sarcastic comments.