What is this reaction called?

[Cutesie]

Thirteen years ago, I experienced my first stay in a psych emergency room. It was for two days, before being moved to a unit. Without giving too much detail, it wasn't fun. I was overwhelmed and timid. I didn't eat or sleep.

What really bothered me most were some of the security guards. They talked loudly at night, gossiping rudely about the patients. They hid important information. A patient asking for a pen would be told that it was contraband, instead of being given the permitted crayon that were sitting inside the guards' desk. Patients were lied to about their timetables of care. From seeing other guards and nurses, I knew that these were abuses. (Whether or not they were doesn't matter to the story.)

At some point, their behavior caused me to snap. I moved as far to the edge of my bed as possible, turned on my side and stayed there. Staff members urged me to move over "for your safety"; I just kept quiet. They threatened to physically move me; I stayed. When they did come over, I didn't fight them, letting them roll me over. Then, they put the bed rail up, satisfied that they'd dealt with this crazy person. I, though, was calmer now, because I had "protested".

It may have been from the more extreme incidents, but it wasn't the only time that I've fought injustice and hurt with a silent demonstration of my angst. My family suffered from my "acting out" this way many times when I was young. It helps me, even though the targets haven't a clue why I'm doing it.

Is there a term for this type of reaction? Is there anything "autistic" about it?

 

[lunarious]

It is called protest, or like you said they thought you were "crazy".

But I have one religious quote that i'll DM you.

 

[Rocco]

I do not see anything “autistic” about an act of noncompliance. Was your reason for being in the psych ER autism related?

 

[Cutesie]

It is called protest, or like you said they thought you were "crazy".

But I have one religious quote that i'll DM you.

Why can't you share a religious quote? It is very good, and we should accept wisdom from wherever it comes.

 

[lunarious]

Why can't you share a religious quote? It is very good, and we should accept wisdom from wherever it comes.

Because we are not inside religious section of autismforum.com

 

[Cutesie]

I do not see anything “autistic” about an act of noncompliance.

I don't, either, because I don't know what autism is yet. I self-diagnosed a year after this incident, but never really learned much or interacted with other auties like we're doing now. I don't know what in my makeup is autism and what is the co-morbidities. I am very messed-up and am trying to understand myself.

I called it a "protest" in quotes, because it accomplished no purpose. I didn't say to anyone, "Want to know why I did that?" It's like the time in middle school, when I sat on a bunk bed at home and hurled books at anyone who entered the hallway adjacent to the bedroom. No one could get me to explain why I was doing it, and I probably didn't know myself. I'm sure we can find this behavior in the DSM.

What I'm trying to find out is if it's something done by autistics more than by others. My logic says that it should, because we have trouble expressing ourselves verbally. It seems to be a form of a meltdown, maybe, but I could just be showing my ignorance some more.

Was your reason for being in the psych ER autism related?

The immediate reason was anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation. So many factors caused me to reach that state; the autism that I knew nothing about surely contributed.

 

[Aspychata]

So you feel you were acting out because you were unable to explain your frustration in general? Were you afraid to communicate with your parents?

 

[Rocco]

If you don’t know what autism is or don’t have a basic understanding of it, how did you arrive at the conclusion of self diagnosis?
I am sorry you had to go through such difficult struggles. I hope you can find the answers you are searching for, in a broader sense.
I have bad reactions to antidepressants that caused anxiety, severe depression, and ideations so I can sort of understand that sense of distress you wrote about.

 

[Cutesie]

So you feel you were acting out because you were unable to explain your frustration in general? Were you afraid to communicate with your parents?

There was something preventing me from sharing my feelings from when I was very small. It was only recently that I was able to slightly touch on possible traumas that could have led to this problem. There was definitely emotional neglect (combined with the physical type) at home, but was I already damaged from birth?

As a little kid, I dealt with bullying, then isolation, at school. The whole world was confusing to me, and I was easily upset by others' behavior. I can't know what the specific frustration was at any given time.

 

[Cutesie]

If you don’t know what autism is or don’t have a basic understanding of it, how did you arrive at the conclusion of self diagnosis?

My original self-diagnosis happened strangely. If I recall correctly, I was laying on my bed, when a thought popped into my head, "Look up autism." Autism itself wasn't new to me. My brother has it (though my anti-labelist parents never said it). My sisters took care of such kids and brought them to our home. I hadn't ever connected them with me.

When I looked it up, everything about Asperger's matched. I "passed" all the online questionnaires. I attended a couple of support groups and recognized a lot of what I was seeing. I even got assessed by an autism researcher, who gave an inconclusive answer, that I have the traits but she didn't have enough to diagnose.

Over the years, as I continued struggling with my mental health, I was back to just thinking of myself as weird and very messed-up. Recently, I connected with some auties online, and it all clicked again. When I say that I don't know autism, I refer to the lingo and jargon. As they are explained to me, I see myself.

 

[Aspychata]

The fact that you identify it as frustration is a start. Learning to deal with being overwhelmed with too many unhappy feelings can happen, and we don't have a outlet for all of this. Has anyone ever suggested to you to write your intense feelings down? Then when you feel better, you can go back and look at what you were feeling, and understand what triggered that in you. The more you do this, the better you become at understanding yourself. My mom triggers me, but l finally got to a place where l can stand my ground and talk to her, instead of just being angry and not knowing really why. l started to look at my triggers.

 

[Cutesie]

I once came home from school, sat down on one of the inside steps and moped. After a long time, I moved to the couch upstairs, eventually going to bed to continue crying. Eventually, my sister Robin (pseudonym), who was much more of a mommy to me emotionally than my biological one, pried this from me: "I don't like gym."

It was ridiculous, and my entire family got a good laugh out of me. It wasn't malicious; they just couldn't understand me making such a big deal out of nothing. Of course, it wasn't "nothing", but they weren't going to get me to speak of the things that happened at gym. I can't even say now all that happened, because my mind blocks those memories.

 

[Cutesie]

Has anyone ever suggested to you to write your intense feelings down? Then when you feel better, you can go back and look at what you were feeling, and understand what triggered that in you. The more you do this, the better you become at understanding yourself.

I suggested it to myself a few months ago and have started to do it. Typing as I think and feel helps slow down my thoughts - a good thing. It's tapping into deep, unexplored hurt, without the benefit of professional restraint and direction - not so great.

 

[Aspychata]

It definitely hurts to go back and review what spun me into feeling triggered. But the more l do it, the less it hurts. By understanding my thought process, l can gain more control over myself. Like l became upset because my partner messed up placement of pies l was taking to my mom in car. Then l stepped back and realized l was always trying to be perfect for her approval and it really wasn't his fault. Then l relaxed and explained to him why l shouted. He understood, and we left for my mom's.

 

[Cutesie]

Speaking tonight to my brother Byron, I asked him if he's done this thing. He was able to share concrete examples of when it's happened as an adult. Either this is normal, or my family is just crazy.

By the way, if someone following me around here wonders if I have a lot of siblings, I do. We'll keep the number a secret, but it's plenty more than is usual in modern-day America.