What should I do about this girl?

[ayoungaspie]

Hi,
I'm not a regular poster here, but would appreciate some fellow Aspie guidance in this situation.

First of all some background info, basically I'm a 20 year old guy with a diagnosis of ASD. I've never had a girlfriend in my life, at the moment I am not in employment because of various anxiety-related issues, and I don't get out much or meet new people often (specifically girls).

However, last year I became friends with a girl I met at college (for those in America, here in the UK college can refer to a place of further education) while doing an Internship course for people with autism, learning difficulties, etc. This is a girl who comes across as quite needy and immature for someone my age, but had a tough childhood having been abused by her real parents and was adopted. She also has a tendency to go for "bad boy" type guys who use her and then break her heart. Basically when we first got talking she was with someone like this and I simply became her best male friend while at college. At one point she was even trying to get pregnant by this guy because she naively thought they were going to last forever and wasn't thinking of consequences... as you've probably guessed at this point I developed feelings for her, and knew the guy she was with was going to treat her badly, but all I could do was be a good friend to her and bide my time until they split up.

As soon as we left college last summer we sort of drifted apart and haven't been as close since. A couple of months later she split up from the guy she had been with, but then I got into a vicious circle of never taking any action, obsessing over her and waiting for her to split up from her new guy each time (she moves very quickly in this regard). She spends a lot of time online and what really frustrates me is that she will tell a guy halfway across the country over Facebook that they are together, whereas I live less than 10 miles away but she clearly hasn't seen me in that way and isn't thinking about me nearly as often as I am her. Occasionally she does surprise me and starts a text convo and comments when I post a selfie, but this only temporarily gives me reassurance and hope, and I drift back into the same cycle. It's really become an obsession for me which is obviously the Aspie side of me. My friends all tell me that when I get the chance I should talk to her and see what happens, but I always bottle out due to fear of rejection. I don't know what it is but I seem to have this "gut feeling" that she wouldn't go for me, and every time she hooks up with a new guy it hurts me even more. I do think we could be really good for each other if we got together but it seems like it just won't happen. To be honest I don't know whether I should have listened to advice or if I've done right by going by my instincts, but then again I don't know if these gut feelings are correct or if they just stem from fear because I don't want to lose hope.

I'm sorry for the long post but any thoughts???

 

[Bolletje]

This might sound a little harsh (especially since I don't know either of you) but this girl sounds like a mess. To me, it sounds like she needs a friend, not a boyfriend.
I can understand that this is not what you want to hear, having developed feelings for her, but it's hard to save someone that doesn't want saving.
If she is hopping from boyfriend to boyfriend, as you say, you might have a shot with her if you speak up, but you have to ask yourself whether you're ready for the possibility that she'll trade you in for a newer model as well.

I'm not saying you shouldn't take the shot, you know the situation better than I do. I'm just saying it's a good idea to carefully consider the options.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

You can give it a go. But I have a suspicion she'll say no. She clearly doesn't know what she wants from a relationship, she's just acting impulsively, controlled pretty much by her hormones in terms of what she finds attractive, and it's probably not intelligence.

I don't find myself in this situation really but I really do understand the shear frustration of guys who end up in the friendzone who clearly would be a good match by the girl isn't... smart enough to see the wood from the trees.

 

[ayoungaspie]

Thanks for the responses, and yeah you're probably both right. It's just hard because I've never been this close to a girl before, and nobody new has come along to take my focus away.

To be honest the only time it would "feel" right to go for it would be if we had some other reason to communicate to start off with (and preferably if she initiated it) and I could take the opportunity to tell her the truth. That way it wouldn't look too random or creepy if that makes sense.

 

[xudo]

I agree with @Bolletje and @Southern Discomfort. I would steer clear, as from my perspective, if she is needy and immature as you said, she's probably looking for "bad boys" as she possibly feels they will be the sort of men who will look after her. Or it could be that cliche of thinking she can change them. Either way, I wouldn't be looking to get into a relationship with her.

 

[savi83]

I agree with @Bolletje, it sounds like she has had quite a traumatic upbringing and needs the support of a friend. The effects of her upbringing has given her the wrong perspective of what a loving relationship is and that is why she is running after these "bad boys".

 

[paloftoon]

She is likely to say "no" because you waited so long, and if she says "yes", then it might be more out of desperation than because she really wants to consider you.

 

[nowwhat]

Do yourself a favor and move on, rapidly. She is a mess, one you cant fix, and she would skin and gut you if she took an interest for a while and something developed. I speak from experience.

 

[gregmcph]

A cruel suggestion. Walk away from her completely.

Your obsessing over her is messing you up. I've been there done that. It hurts like hell and nothing good will come of it. If you float around the edge of her life, forever wishing, you will remain miserable and may even find yourself doing stupid bad things.

So, unfriend her from all the Social Media thingies and walk away.

 

[WittyAspie]

If you go for it, what's the worst that can happen? Rejection!?

At this point, you are already rejecting yourself the opportunity. It would be better to get rejected and come to accept the friend zone than live your whole life obsessing.

And there is still the possibility she will say yes. Regardless of the outcome, your best course is to take action.

 

[ayoungaspie]

Thanks so much for all the input guys, it means a lot. I guess I've just got to try and not put all my eggs in one basket, but if the right opportunity comes along to ask her then I will try and see what happens. I do believe it's possible to bring out the best in people sometimes.

 

[Judge]

Do nothing. Let go of her.

From everything you've posted about this woman it seems a blessing that for whatever reason she wasn't interested in you in the way you wanted. Learn from this and move on. Surely there are more emotionally stable people out there who don't just gravitate from one suitor to the next so easily.

I sometimes think of the love I once had that I lost myself. Though I also recall that she's on husband "number three" now. Which may or may not say more about her than about myself in terms of overall compatibility.

See the movie "Ten". A comedy about a man lusting over a woman he perceived to be a "perfect ten out of ten". But the "ten" was really just a three and a half- at best.

Sometimes wanting someone is better than actually having them.

 

[MrSpock]

Maybe the people advising you to give up are right, and they'd say much the same thing to me. I'm currently somewhat obsessed with a girl who suffered abuse in her childhood from family and in adulthood from the bad boys she's typically attracted to. I'm not giving up.

She has often pushed me away, she shows interest in other guys and for over a year we've had an off and on friendship, at times we have both expressed a desire for more, but whenever she's expressed it it hasn't been a 'let's do it right now' sort of thing but a possibility for the near future... or else it has been a right now thing but expressed in such a roundabout way with mixed messages and hints that my poor aspie brain doesn't figure out that I should take the initiative until it's too late. I have tried several times to take the initiative, but it's always been at the wrong time and makes her upset.

If it seems that she is leaving any room for you to take the initiative you might want to risk it. I'm pretty sure that the girl I'm sort of seeing doesn't make it too clear that I should take the initiative because she is worried that I won't, so she doesn't want to be clear since that leaves room for her to be in denial when I don't respond. Unfortunately this makes me unsure of when to respond, which just makes things worse, I'm now having to try to convince her that I want her in spite of her having percieved me as having rejected her. I suspect that bad boys are much more willing to hurt her feelings by being more demanding so she doesn't feel so insecure, also she is simply used to abusive people and can more easily relate whereas a nice guy is difficult for her to understand, and it's difficult for her to accept that a good person might be truly interested in someone as screwed up as she is. But I am so very interested, and I think that when (not if!) she realizes that I am serious and I'm not going anywhere it will be a very powerful thing.

I get the impression that many aspies dump their partners because they are bored with them, certainly I have done this in the past. The one I've been kinda seeing is screwed up from abuse as you say your friend is, and there are red flags. But she is the most interesting person I've ever met, and I doubt that I will ever find her boring. Even if she never speaks to me again she has given me a lot of food for thought, I have grown while going through this with her, it has been rewarding in many ways.

Good luck to you whichever path you choose.

 

[ayoungaspie]

@MrSpock thanks for your detailed response, good to know I'm not the only one in this kind of situation.

For anyone reading there have been some new developments so to speak, basically a couple of weeks back (just before Valentines day) she split up from one of her bad boys and almost immediately was looking for a new guy, but I didn't have the guts to actually take the initiative even thought I was perhaps the only guy out there who wants to be serious with her.

Unfortunately for me she's now with someone else who doesn't actually look dodgy and they seem happy despite jumping straight in... but just a few days ago she actually suggested to me on Facebook that we should meet up soon and catch up. At that point I was kicking myself for not asking her the same thing sooner (in that small time window where she became single), but that's a lesson learned. I guess that's her friendzoning me if she's willing to meet up with a guy who isn't her boyfriend, but on the other hand could be subconsciously considering me in case her latest relationship doesn't work out (which isn't really a good thing), but who knows. She also said she considers me as one of her best friends.

I did take a breather from Facebook for a week and I'm finding the whole thing easier to deal with now because despite the fact that she's with someone else, I realise she's fairly approachable and just a human being at the end of the day. Looking forward to perhaps meeting up soon as well and just got to play it cool. I'm also being more open about this with my parents who are supportive and that is probably helping. Who knows what will happen if her latest relationship ends but I have a good feeling that if I get another opportunity I will have more courage to try and take things further with her.