what should i do

[Lisa123]

Hello,
My autistic boyfriend is 21, I am 19 and we have been dating for 7 months. We are now long distance, but we are planning to move in together in September.

Before reading that, you have to know that I am an anxious person.

One of my friend have done a denial of pregnancy and ended up with a baby. So I asked my boyfriend what he would do if it happened to me.
He answered me that he was not ready to be a father and would abandon me. At least he was honest, and an absent father is better than a bad father.
But it hurted me and I told him that I might broke up because I didn't want to take the risk to be left alone with a baby.
He told me that we needn't talk about pregnancy denial because it wasn't happening and that it was only a hypothesis. He didn't understand why it was making me feel anxious, and why I was so upset after he told me he would leave me alone with a baby (as I always thought he was a very responsible person who assumes the consequences of its acts.) So we got into a fight.

Eventually he reassured me and said that even though he had said he would abandon me, he might not abandon me if I actually got pregnant because he cares for me. He also said he had said that because it was not an important matter to him, as it was not happening. And he did not understand why I was anxious about a hypothesis.
He came to the conclusion that we would not have sex anymore so it will not happen. It was not the conclusion I wished for but it's okay. That's the only effective way to prevent that situation from happening, so I should have excepted this answer from him.

But I scared him by saying that I might broke up with him, and I think he feels very tired because of our argument.
He told me he wanted some moment alone and would not text me. It has been 3 days now and he is still not texting and ignoring my texts. The only text I received from him was when I asked him if he wanted to broke up and he said "no, don't worry".

I know I'm too anxious and was wrong about our argument.

Should I do something in order for him to be able to talk to me again? Or is waiting the only thing I can do?

What can I do to be a better girlfriend ?

Thank you for reading.

 

[Callistemon]

I'm a bit confused why contraception won't solve the unwanted pregnancy issue for you. Yes, there can be accidents even with the most reliable contraception, but if you use them carefully and as indicated then the chances of that aren't high, and there's backstop emergency contraception for cases where barrier methods etc fail.

Re current situation, give him time to think, and have a good think about what you want yourself as well. This is early days and not all relationships work out, but it might, and either way that's OK.

 

[Hypnalis]

You should edit your post to:

• Define "denial of pregnancy"
• Explain what method(s) you and your BF have been using for contraception
• Explain the agreement about children (if any) you had in place with your boyfriend before this discussion

As to where you are now:
Did you really start a discussion by saying something like "what would you do if we had a contraception failure?", and then follow up by threatening to leave him when the discussion didn't turn out as you wanted?

Without that (essential) information:
My best guess is that you were using communication techniques which many on the spectrum find extremely annoying. NT-style emotional blackmail does not sit well with ND's. Ditto for raising very important questions at random (which, at best, looks like an attempt at manipulation).

If you want to fix this you need to have some adult discussions with your BF. It may not be possible though - there's a lot that can go wrong.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

What can I do to be a better girlfriend ?

If you are not ready to listen others answers, dont ask.

If you need a boyfriend that would want to have and care for baby if an accident happen, say it clearly to your partners.

Accept people as they are, not as you want them to be.

If you cant find anyone to meet your requirements, dogs are a very good second option to be loved in your terms.

I think that your boyfriend may have understood that to be with you he will need to mask himself so you can accept him. I would not want to be in such kind of relation, but he may be thinking about it. May be not the case.

Just my 2 cents

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It's a very difficult thing for anyone to deal with a hypothetical situation. The difficulties with a hypothetical situation is that there are often a long list of other variables that one cannot account for, or foresee, that also play into decisions. Understanding perspective is a difficult thing for anyone, let alone someone on the autism spectrum, in general,...and I hate generalizing,...but statistically speaking most autistics have difficulties with "theory of mind",...some call it "mind blindness". It affects the ability to understand what it would be like to "be the other person". "How would you feel if I did that to you?!"...a reasonable question, but often not something an autistic person can accurately respond to,...as it is often part of the autistic condition.

For example, I have been with my wife for 37 years now,...I have ZERO idea what is going on in her brain,...I still have a difficult time reading her,...I do not understand her hints and nuances. She just has to tell me what is on her mind,...otherwise, I am absolutely clueless. So, to suggest that I "know her" even after all this time,...is a bit nebulous,...all I have to go on is my previous experience with her,...but in the moment, I really struggle with predicting her responses.

The good news,...I think,...is that it has forced us to communicate well. Neither of us can "assume",...even the simple things. We don't have arguments,...we discuss things.

So, I am understanding of what anxiety is,...basically it is fear of some unknown. Although it is often wise to think ahead, perhaps introducing variables,...those hypotheticals,...and have a "plan A, B, and C". "If this, then that.",...a simple decision making tree,...an algorithm. It is also equally unwise to have anxiety about those hypotheticals. Anxiety will make you hesitate and may result in missed opportunities in life. Life is, in many ways, an exercise in risk taking,...and you have to push aside one's anxieties and take some degree of risk in order to move ahead in life.

A hypothetical situation about an unwanted pregnancy,...is difficult to understand,...so you have to take answers to hypotheticals with "a grain of salt",...they may not be accurate. My wife and I were married for 8 years before having our first child,...primarily because of my own anxieties about being a father. However, when my wife announced she was pregnant,...I had this initial sensation of anxiety,...but within a few seconds, it was over. I was all in. It's sort of like that fear of diving off the high dive platform at a pool,...you step up,...look down,...and your first thought is "NO WAY!",...but then you jump, hit the water, a sense of excitement washes over you and you're running to the dive platform to do it again. I loved being a father,...I just tried to do things that I thought my parents did well,...and NOT do the things that my parents did poorly. My boys ended up pretty well.

 

[Luca]

Do you live in a country where contraception is not allowed or is frowned upon? Or are you strictly religious?
If not, I think it would be smart for a girl your age who is sexually active to use birth control. That would reduce the risk of unplanned pregnancy and probably help to put both you and your boyfriend at ease about this.

But being abstinent to prevent pregnancy is 100% okay too!!

I completely understand where the fear comes from though because I have a phobia of getting pregnant. I’m in my late 20s and no longer sexually active but I still get anxiety about hypotheticals.

 

[Homulilly]

(as I always thought he was a very responsible person who assumes the consequences of its acts.)

I agree with others that you'll probably need to input your method of contraception and views on pregnancy.

I'm NT, like you, and I think this is more of a communication issue than a neurotype one. First of all, define what's a responsible person like for you. If your boyfriend is not ready to be a father, wouldn't walking away be the responsible choice, instead of staying and be a bad father? Next, pregnancy. Have you guys discussed what pregnancy means for both of you? What you might not realize is that, your boyfriend will need to care for you during pregnancy. Pregnancy is hard work. Raising a child is hard work. When you are not ready for kids, you are not ready.

Now I understand being anxious about hypotheses. I'm also a bit high in anxiety. But, not everyone is like that, so your boyfriend might be genuinely confused on why you are freaking out over something that's not currently real. You are 19, and I think you are trying to understand pregnancy and kids, which is a good thing.

Btw, a previous member said something about emotional blackmail. My NT brain doesn't perceive any of what you've done as emotional blackmail. You sounded like you were very anxious. That's all.

 

[Tom]

It seems too early to me to be considering having a baby, even hypothetically. I am in the camp that thinks you should instead be making sure that doesn't happen 'accidentally'. Babies are very time consuming and life changing, not to mention expensive. I think it best to have two parents and some good stability and financial security established first.