What Society Says About Being Alone

[RemyZee]

I don't really know about other cultures, but in the culture I grew up in (upper middle class US southerner) it is considered wrong or even deviant for people to like and pursue being alone and people are often judged by the company they keep or don't keep. There can be a mentality that something is off about you if you don't have many friendships, or if you aren't always surrounded by people in your orbit, including that you are expected to be very superficial....it was a very superficial culture I grew up in. As an undiagnosed autistic person this arrangement took a toll both physically and mentally. At its worst, I was told it was a sign of mental illness to not want to be around people all the time, sent to social training classes--when the truth is that's where my light comes on. Do you have experiences of people telling you there was something wrong with you for craving and enjoying solitude? Told you you just need to cultivate friends, that you are anti social or that you should be more pleasant in order for people to like you more? Does your culture support solitude? Do you like solitude?

 

[Judge]

LOL.

I don't have anyone in my social orbit to complain about my choice to live in near-isolation.

In a nutshell, solitude keeps me sane. My bad. So sue me!

Problem solved!

Though all kidding aside, yes I am acutely aware of how NT psychiatrists universally consider isolation to be fundamentally toxic to humans.

 

[Outdated]

Even in Australia preferring to be without company seems a little strange to most people, but then we also have a lot of extremely remote and difficult places to get to and the people that live in those places all tend to be loners.

To your average doctors and head shrinks I'd get diagnosed with depression and social anxiety and all sorts of ridiculous things, to the point that it's a waste of time seeing them unless there's something as obvious as a severed limb that they can see.

Fortunately there's a lot more autism awareness here now and if someone tries to tell me I suffer anxiety I can just laugh in their faces.

 

[gj13]

Humans are social beings. Doesn't matter which culture or country from my experience. Humans have evolved to collaborate and socialize.
If you do a search on these forums, you'll find a lot of posts on this subject. You are not alone in your preference for solitude.
I prefer solitude. I've always preferred it but in order to "fit in" I've had to adjust myself at a considerable negative impact to my health (due to all the masking and scripting and trying to keep up with the speed of neuro-typical conversations, etc). Now I am very selective about when, how and who I socialize with.
I find many neuro-typical people don't understand there is a difference between solitude and loneliness. Solitude is a choice whereas loneliness is not. Furthermore, I find NT's generally have a "if your not with them then you are against them" mentality. However, it doesn't mesh with me and who I am.
For autistics, solitude is necessary for us to regulate, recharge and let down our masks. I do everything solo and don't intend to change.
Don't let the noise of the NTs distract you. Do what makes you happy. There is no right or wrong way to win at life, only what's right and wrong for you.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

Would you all still prefer to be completely alone if you could spend time with someone who shared your most of your special interests?

 

[Jumpinbare]

Would you all still prefer to be completely alone if you could spend time with someone who shared your most of your special interests?

The friends I have made over time have been people who share one or more of my special interests. Even with them, a little interaction goes a long way.

I thrive on solitude. It's my resting/breathing/recharging space. For me, the ideal life would be a remote spot where only sufficiently motivated people would visit if they want for limited times, but I can have internet and Ham Radio access to remotely interact with people when I want.

 

[Aspychata]

l am so tired of people calling me out on living a simple life. l have been called a lesbian because l don't actively date men. My mom thought l was strange because l didn't actively seek social interaction as a teenager. l was content to work on art projects. My special interests can keep me busy for hours. l also let my daughter pursue her special interests as long as she liked with no time restrictions.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I don't really know about other cultures, but in the culture I grew up in (upper middle class US southerner) it is considered wrong or even deviant for people to like and pursue being alone and people are often judged by the company they keep or don't keep. There can be a mentality that something is off about you if you don't have many friendships, or if you aren't always surrounded by people in your orbit, including that you are expected to be very superficial....it was a very superficial culture I grew up in. As an undiagnosed autistic person this arrangement took a toll both physically and mentally. At its worst, I was told it was a sign of mental illness to not want to be around people all the time, sent to social training classes--when the truth is that's where my light comes on. Do you have experiences of people telling you there was something wrong with you for craving and enjoying solitude? Told you you just need to cultivate friends, that you are anti social or that you should be more pleasant in order for people to like you more? Does your culture support solitude? Do you like solitude?

When I hear of things like this...and experienced it myself. I would be inclined to look at perspective and context here. "Society"...aka neurotypical society is all about social interactions and talking is an important part of that process. They get energized by socialization...and we become exhausted by it. Apples and oranges. They might think all there is are "apples" and forget about or do not even acknowledge us "oranges".

 

[Vesta]

In school, I was bullied for not having any friends. My classmates avoided me, despite all my attempts to connect with them. Moreover, they could ruin my grades. Later, in my teenage years, those same people were surprised that I didn't talk to them, calling me arrogant and spouting other nonsense.

My parents constantly insisted that I socialize with relatives and try to make friends. My mom criticized me for being quiet around family, but I didn't know what to say, as anything I said could be considered inappropriate.

 

[Judge]

Would you all still prefer to be completely alone if you could spend time with someone who shared your most of your special interests?

Not at all. Though my sense of solitude amounts to a "hard-wired trait". Not that I had to have it all of the time, or even half of the time. Just a little of it, but on a routine basis. That this was mutually exclusive of any consideration of "special interests", whether I had them in a relationship or not.

For me socialization remains an energy drain, while solitude allows me to recharge my energy.

Odd to recall that I had only one relationship where we met based on a particular special interest, in an adult photography class. LOL, she was so much of a better photographer and had the pictures to prove it! Quite an attraction to me.

Considerations that took their toll in a different relationship involving someone I both lived with, and worked with in relative close proximity. Discovering all too late that while I didn't know what the origins of this was, but that I knew in a simple sense that I could not exist with someone at such close intimate range on a literal 24/7 basis. Something further complicated by my partner's addictive behavior.

 

[Outdated]

My parents constantly insisted that I socialize with relatives and try to make friends. My mom criticized me for being quiet around family, but I didn't know what to say, as anything I said could be considered inappropriate.

My parents were the same and used dire threats to force me to "be normal" and play team sports. All that achieved was resentment of both my parents and other kids. Outside of my own age group and supposed "peer" group I got along pretty well with almost everyone.

I loved a comment from Sheldon in Big Bang Theory - "What do you mean? I have no peers.".

Although I don't have any social anxiety I also have absolutely no need to socialise, I'm quite happy by myself.

 

[Judge]

My parents were the same and used dire threats to force me to "be normal" and play team sports. All that achieved was resentment of both my parents and other kids. Outside of my own age group and supposed "peer" group I got along pretty well with almost everyone.

I loved a comment from Sheldon in Big Bang Theory - "What do you mean? I have no peers.".

Although I don't have any social anxiety I also have absolutely no need to socialise, I'm quite happy by myself.

The very notion of having a real "peer group" seems more of an abstraction to me personally. But then while I am not on television, neither am I a fictional character either.

Ironic that it always irritated me that the creators of "The Big Bang Theory" (Bill Prady & Chuck Lorre) forever publicly refused to comment that their characters could or might be autistic or have OCD.

 

[Outdated]

forever publicly refused to comment that their characters could or might be autistic or have OCD.

To do so would open a huge can of worms that they weren't prepared to deal with, especially in a very polarised society.

 

[TBRS1]

If one asks a social person what is important, that person will likely include "being social."

If one asks a much less social person what is important, that person's answer is much less likely to emphasise "being social".

"Culture" is not a single monolithic thing. All cultures are made of a mix of different people with different characteristics - including how social each is.

If others say "To be normal, you must be like this..." they are ignorant of the way things really are.

Either take it upon yourself to cure their ignorance, or ignore them and let them go on being ignorant.

But don't worry about it too much. It's the truth of the way people are.

 

[TBRS1]

Would you all still prefer to be completely alone if you could spend time with someone who shared your most of your special interests?

Yes. I'd never be able to sneak away from them and be alone.

 

[Judge]

To do so would open a huge can of worms that they weren't prepared to deal with, especially in a very polarised society.

Yes, a potential public relations issue for the network. No surprise there. But they could have had some balls and a backbone, and they chose neither, and backed all those "suits". -Bu$iness as usual.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

I am frequently energized by one on one interactions with another person as long as the interactions are positive. This is especially true if I can discuss one of the topics that I am currently obsessed with. Negative interactions stress me though. I don't like talking with angry people. Also, there is a limit to the size of group that I can communicate well with. I generally have no problem speaking one on one with people though sometimes I get called down for dominating the conversation or for speaking too loud or too fast or for being too pendantic. If speaking with two other people, I start to feel a tad uncertain about balancing eye contact between them. Over all though, I do pretty well and may gain or lose energy depending on the context and the conversation. If there are three or more people I am not really sure where to enter the conversation and typically turn into a wallflower. When alone, I can be quite content for awhile doing research and such, but I eventually feel lonely and start daydreaming about interactions with others if real ones aren't practical. Most of the daydreamed interactions are of one on one interactions.

 

[Outdated]

....sometimes I get called down for dominating the conversation...

This was a deliberate tactic I used when with large groups of people in a noisy environment because of my audio processing disorder. If I was the one doing all the talking I didn't have to listen.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

This was a deliberate tactic I used when with large groups of people in a noisy environment because of my audio processing disorder. If I was the one doing all the talking I didn't have to listen.

I typically hear better than a lot of people. I can often hear the low hum of an electronic device that has been left on for example, but multiple conversations in big groups of people are hard to keep up with.

 

[Judge]

I typically hear better than a lot of people. I can often hear the low hum of an electronic device that has been left on for example, but multiple conversations in big groups of people are hard to keep up with.

Ditto. Though in my own case, really low frequencies drive me nuts...similar to cigarette smoke.