I figured it out with the help of an acquaintance. After my best friend died. I stopped eating. Life got really, really difficult. I had meltdowns for a long time and it eventually turned into burnout. They suggested it and I looked into it and found the explanations I've been missing my whole life. It took me a while to be able to read about it all, because as I would read I would just cry. Tears of pain, release, rage, invisibility, you name it... It was pouring out of me. I have taken the Aspie quiz and the Autism screening and those too confirm I operate with a nuerodivergent mind. High IQ, HSP, huge startle response, tics, suicidal ideation for my whole life, speech delay, rocking myself to sleep as an infant, being content in my own world, obsessed with #s, synchronicities, special interests, info dumping, socially awkward, incredible memory, face blindness, talking too loud, being monotone at times, blank stares... Yep, I'm on that spectrum.
So are my children. It's been a very eye opening experience. For which I don't have accurate words for often. And since I made it to adulthood, and past the average life expectancy for those with Autism, there's no support for me.
I honestly don't even know how to connect to the "real world" anymore. Part of this awareness has alerted me to the fact I've been surrounding myself with abusers do to my somewhat naive nature. I can't lie well or for long and I have been too forgiving of leaches. I wish I could connect with people like me. So here WE are.
Thank you all for being on earth right now too. Its some wild **** aye?
