What was it like having friends growing up with AS?

[ryan1205]

I was diagnosed at the age of 10. Just in time before I hit those 'teenage' years. I know many stories will be different. For me, I had a twin brother without AS, and me and him always shared the same friends during our teenage years. But sometimes he had his own group he would hang out with and I had mine with people who had learning and social disorders.

My therapist said my AS is very, very, mild to almost unnoticeable. But that didn't stop me from being shy around people at the age of 10-13. By the age of 13-16, I would get into fights a whole lot with other kids in school. By age 16-till now, I would say I considered my self 'normal' with a few exceptions such as I don't make too much eye contact and sometimes I talk real low. But overall, I can now talk to people if needed without them talking to me first.

So what was it like with you having friends growing up with AS? I want to know. Did things change over time as you got older? Did you have a lot of friends or only a couple of them?

 

[Myway]

Growing up, I had no friends really other than maybe one. Now I have maybe three or four friends. Nothing really changed much. I still have difficulty around people and making friends can be hard at times. Keeping friends is next to impossible for me, so I go through them frequently. There are only two friends that I have had for more than a year. All the others are newer. I don't have many friends because I prefer to be alone most of the time. It is just better. Being with others can be draining at times. I will probably never have a lot of friends, but I am content with the ones I do have.

 

[xudo]

I wasn't diagnosed until last year at the age of 30. I've never really had many friends, and to be honest, most of the ones I have had through my life haven't really been my friends. In primary school, everyone in my class was sort of friendly with everyone, so I'd never considered the fact that I actually only had one real friend.

Going into high school, that one friend drifted as she got in with the popular people. For at least the first 2-3 years I didn't have any friends, I just sort of hung about with another girl who also had no friends at break and lunch times, I think probably just so we weren't left totally alone. At around 13/14 I did have a small group of "friends"...however...they were horrible to me. They would make up rumours about me and then deny it was them, talk about me behind my back when they knew I could hear, never treated me the same as they treated each other. I didn't really know any better, and also partly didn't want to be one of those kids who's completely ostracised, so I just sort of put up with it. It affected me in that to some degree, I thought that was how friends treated each other for a long time.

Around 16/17 I got in with two friends who actually were (and still are) my friends. They didn't treat me badly or like I was some weirdo. One of them left school after GCSE's and the other stayed to do A-Levels like I did. A few girls who came to our school to do them too also became our friends. One of them was from Bulgaria and now lives in Vienna, so I don't see her often, but she always makes the effort when she does come back to the UK, and the other didn't bother with any of us after high school.

In uni I sort of ended up in a small group with a few other people who sort of didn't fit in with the cliques there, but we had sod all in common and I haven't seen them since we graduated in 2007.

 

[FreeDiver]

As far as going to public and Catholic school went, I never had any friends at all. When I went to boarding school. I did have one close friend and he was quite a bit different from everyone else. I believe he may of have AS as well. We had such great times, We would get in are swim trunks and go play in the courtyard fountain to running and dancing around in the forest at night, pretending to chase ghosts and fairies. I later tried to make contact with him, only to learned that he had committed suicide at age 23.

 

[The Penguin]

Had very few friends at any given time. I learned some of them was taking advantage of me. After college I had no local friends. Part of the reason I moved and the various places I didn't try to make friends. There user groups I use to hang out with when I was living in Toronto. Living in Nova Scotia for 8 years, I found no one to hang out with except my ex that use to live here that now living in the states. I starting to understand I just don't connect with most and learn to accept it. I learning to focus on a life of just me. If I meet good people to hang out with in the future would be an added bonus.

 

[Suzanne]

Well, currently I am not officially diagnosed and so, spent my life as an NT ( not even heard of aspergers until a few year's ago), but I would have been a classic case. I did have one "friend" who was my age, but it certainly was not a very functional friendship; I had no idea about what friendships were all about, but did not know that; just a sense of: I can't make friends and being petrified and very lonely seeing groups of girls together and thinking: how do they communicate?

I do not have friends; I know people, but my problem is, I do not know how to maintain a friendship and find it difficult to find a balance.

I much rather be on my own now and really do not care if I do not make friends.

 

[OrSomething]

I always had some friends in elementary school, but I wasn't very close to them. Especially when I was little, I always wanted to be alone rather than play with my friends. When I got older, I did want friends to hang out with. But I was always too shy to tell them things about myself, so I never really felt connected with them. In middle school, I spent most recesses alone, except for sometimes I would hang out with different people or groups of people. But again, I never really felt close to them. In high school, I was mostly alone except for a couple friends who also had autism, and we didn't really talk about personal things together. Now, though, I have great online friends whom I can talk to.

 

[Nemo]

I don't have many friends - but I do long for them. I mean IRL friends, although 'net friends do give me a little bit of joy.

 

[sophia99]

i had a really nice group of friends growing up, and we're still close today. it was a really nice feeling, i had people that i could always go on adventures with and play with. whenever we were ridiculous and overdramatic, we did it together.

 

[abby normal]

no friends growing up, basically a shut-in.

 

[Larisa]

I am self-diagnosed, I had pretty zero relationships within my family (with my parents), My sister was my friend/enemy at times - and I was really slow to get the pattern of her reaction at me. I figured out eventually - and she is my friend now. I learnt what of my actions cause her to feel hurt and endangered - and I learnt to talk about everything I feel in connection what I do and to listen how she feels and we both learnt to discuss what can be done to make things better for everyone.
So as a child I was terribly confused and I didn't really expect any better attitude from strangers.
I loved the movies about friendship but they were so unreal comparing to the real life world that I saw around myself. People in the movies were absolutely different: so kind, attentive and understanding - than people in the real world I lived in.
I had several friends who treated me bad on occasion.
Then I started to meet people who restrained themselves from harming others even if they got upset. They become my friends - and I learnt to reflect their attitude, I learnt to keep them from being hurt by my words and actions.
I worked with the psychologist to learn that if I refuse to some offer or if I deny some request - It is NOT 'CAUSING HURT' from my side. I'm entitled to spent my limited resourses as I percieve important to me.
My inner limits are the starting point to everything what I do in my life.
So friendship is ALWAYS about the balance - what do I sincerely WANT to do for the human - and what I honestly CAN do without collapsing afterwards.
The sincere friends do not want for me to collapse. They simply are not the telepaths to know if what they ask of me is really harmless for me.
It's my part to evaluate: "yes, I can do that for you" - or "sorry, I can not help you with that. But I can do for you (name something that I can really do)"
I took me 30 years of active analyzing of my own and other people's long-term relationships to figure it out.
The healthy relationships are about respecting each others inner resourses and honest willingness to spend part of them to help each other in need.

And then I realized that this sort of relationships is NEVER shown in the movies!
In the movies people pictured as being PERFECT, they are LIMITLESS (have no limit for their inner resourses), they have NO PAST or the life EXPERIENCE of their own - to affect their actions in present tense.
In short I noticed that people in the movies are like butterflies to be hatched before 'the name' title and to burn all their life on the screen to die after 'the end' titles of the movies.
It's a LIE! It's not what the real life of a living human REALLY is.
It's like showing as an example a short-distance runner - to a LONG-distance runner.
We are - all the real people - are the LONG-distance runners. We are the marathonians for a hundred of years!
It's a madness to expect from us the behaviour and eagerness of the sprinters.
So I accepted that I'm a marathonian in my own life in the real world and I get along quite well with other people who realized the fact on their own.
Some of these people become my close friends and some are just good people I like but I don't feel the sincere connection and attraction to them.

 

[Dusty285]

One of those "laws:" Friends come and go; enemies accumulate.

It seems to be one of those NT things. But is true because most "friends" are really only acquaintances who are 'friends of or for convenience.' People we see or work with almost every day. Immediate neighbors, particularly if we are resident in places where we see and speak often, like passing in a hall in an apartment building. The others in school. Enemies remember their distress or unhappiness seemingly forever and when chance brings another meeting, even years later, the angers or bad feelings resurface.

All that said, I had only one friend in High School and he was mostly frenemy. College was another only one friend who had his own problems. We were friends because we could sympathize and relate to each other's situations. Some roommates [his] went along while they were roommates but vanished immediately afterward. I managed to get one of the single rooms in college because I couldn't get along with a roommate. My Aspie characteristics made it impossible for me and too difficult for others.

I came across an NT girl after I was out in the world who wanted to be involved with me. Married her. We did OK. Forty two years. Diabetic complications. Officially heart. She dealt with the world and I found a job where I could do well and make money to fund our lives.

Now I am alone. As an Aspie it is "no biggie" to be alone and without friends. People are friendly but keep their distance. That is really good because I am not asked to do things for them or 'loan' money. I provide care for my grandchildren after school. It feels good. I do well with children, dogs, cats. I now have two terriers who are happy to share their and my life. It's OK.

 

[ksheehan88]

I didn't have many friends growing up. Often they would be users - the kind that play with you when they have no one else then cast you aside and bully you when their actual friends come back to them.

I had 1 person I could call friend as a teenager, and she is still my friend now. I also have another NT friend and an aspie friend, but that is it. I neither want nor need anymore than that.

But, as a child/teen, when everyones lives centre around friendships, it was very difficult and because I had no idea why I was disliked so much it made it harder because I didn't know how to change myself to fit in.

 

[Judge]

I didn't have many friends growing up. Often they would be users - the kind that play with you when they have no one else then cast you aside and bully you when their actual friends come back to them.

That more or less describes my junior high years. Pretty sad memories.

It really impacted my ability to trust people in general.

 

[xudo]

But, as a child/teen, when everyones lives centre around friendships, it was very difficult and because I had no idea why I was disliked so much it made it harder because I didn't know how to change myself to fit in.

This is perfect. It's exactly how I felt when I was in high school, and I think this is why I put up with so many truly s****y "friends". It's only within the last maybe 5 years that I've realised that they were terrible. Hindsight is a fabulous thing, but to be honest even if I could go back and tell myself that, it's doubtful if teenage me would listen, because like you said at that age nobody wants to be the loner. Even if having friends isn't that big of a deal for you, you also don't want to be picked on for not having any because to all the NT's, not having/wanting friends is weird.

 

[nakedphil]

Friends?

 

[Ender]

I have never had a close friend, but I have had some "above acquaintance" level friends that I cared about.

When I was ages 8-10 I had two friends but we grew apart and stopped speaking.

When I was ages 10-14 I had one friend. She was sort of a "mom friend," which is probably why it worked with us. Being classmates we were forced to interact and it grew from there to a decent friendship. By age 14, however, I developed clinical depression and broke off the friendship.

And since then I have not had a single friend. I used to wonder why, and learning about Aspergers did help me understand a bit more how I am different from people; it's given me more peace about myself. Honestly I do just fine alone. Sometimes I get lonely, granted, but overall I function well.

I like to think that maybe one day I'll meet someone that can become a good friend, but I don't know if that will happen.

 

[paloftoon]

I'm not opposed to having more quality friends, but I'd likely be able to connect with more people on here if they were wiling to meet in-person and lived close enough. I haven't had many friends or any I could really call close friends until this past year basically. It's been a blessing in disguise with all the changes I've had to deal with the last 2 years.

Things I never realized affect how I project myself toward others until now- all the constant barrage of negativity from my family and work, the unnecessary control placed on me and the affect it's had on my psyche and confidence, and a few slightly sly, inappropriate questions from acquaintances had made me more on the defensive and paranoid. This was a quality exterior for rough environments, but for developing trust when no one gave you a reason to be like that otherwise, this was a terrible way to be to socialize and build any kind of rapport.

 

[zeroninja]

I had almost no friends growing up, as on top of the AS we moved around a ton so i had made one friend in Ohio where I grew up and then we moved to the northwest. I remember specifically calling him from Montana a couple years later and he got angry with me and asked why I had called, which really upset me. I made one other friend there around the time my mother passed away, stayed in contact with him for almost twenty years but now haven't heard from him much for a couple years after a nasty fight. Growing up I was so shy other kids had to take a dinosaur out of a dinosaur hunt to me since I stayed in the car. Nowadays, I have almost no friends. Most of my life it used to really hurt me that I was so alone all the time and that no one really could stand being around me. Recently, it's started to bother me less and less as I processed how little of those friends I'd made along the way that ended up ditching me and/or betraying my trust over and over were worthwhile.It has been a terrible struggle especially in terms of never having training in the basics of life such as hygiene, organizational skills, social etiquette, posture and body language, expectations in a job, at school, at a social gathering etc, and having to figure all that out on my own. I now get at least some of the basics and am working on my flaws and bad habits in that respect, so that's something at least. Still, it seems like a pretty hollow goal to me, considering my life experience, personality, interests, flaws, beliefs and so forth are so many niches down from the "norm" that I'm pretty much completely unrelatable except on a superficial level to nerd and geek culture since i like many of the same shows, games and movies.

 

[Ylva]

What I really wanted was to read, so of course my parents took my books away and insisted I go make some friends. In the end this resulted in very forced friendships. I bent over backwards to please my parents, and therefore to please my pseudo-friends, who were largely manipulative sh*tholes, and it spiralled on.