What's the point?

[holbrook]

I wish people would stop sending me mixed messages. I try forming friendships with people in person but I always feel I'm putting in more than I'm receiving. Everything seems fine at first, everything seems normal and then it all goes away, but they deny any problems.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I think it's because we have to work so much harder to develop and maintain a relationship. So it feels like we're putting in more than we're receiving, and that might actually be true. But the effort required on their part is so low, and the payoff they experience comes so easily, that they don't perceive any problems.

And then there's another potential explanation...that they've lost interest but don't want to say anything about it, and just let the relationship wane. That one's always a hard one for me, because then I don't get any feedback on what I did wrong and how I could fix it going forward.

 

[Judge]

I try forming friendships with people in person but I always feel I'm putting in more than I'm receiving.

Perhaps you are doing just that. But in the process, putting in too much too soon which may cause some people to react by backing off- and away from you. It's a tough dynamic to deal with...knowing how much to put into a relationship. After all, putting in too little has its consequences as well.

 

[Beverly]

It could be either of the possibilities suggested by DogwoodTree and Judge or, simply your perception being a bit faulty. Dealing with anything social can be a struggle for many of us. Perhaps you can find someone who will give you honest feedback about your tactics and socializing skills. I would guess that some of it will sound mean and hurtful to you when you find that feedback but, don't take it that way, accept it as constructive criticism, you may not like it but, if it's honest, you can learn from it.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

i agree with earlier comments, to me it often seems like as an aspie im putting in a lot more effort because i need to, compared with NT, they don't always see how much effort im putting in though behind the scenes.

 

[arcan]

I always feel I make much more efforts, which leads to the feeling I'm bothering them, so I refrain myself and maybe end up not doing enough.

 

[Suzanne]

I used to feel like you, but now, I tend to let it flow, if it is going to. Spent years feeling disappointed and let down, but someone very much younger than me, came along ie online and she taught me much about friendships.

Now, I would venture to say that I have a few friends, but not in the same manner as is assumed. I actually feel comfortable around them and they know I have aspergers, but do not treat me any differently. One does joke about how loud I can get, but she has that tendency to do similar, so we tease each other.

I do say that the concept of friendships do still leave me perplexed, but in comparison to how I used to be, whoa lol

I really like what Dogwood tree says regarding the efforts we have to deal with, to what nt''s do. When it comes naturally, there is nothing to it. But the difficult aspect is finding it hard to discern the intentions. Horrible feeling.