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"Whats wrong? Why are you so quiet?"

J

JohnnyRock

Member
Do people ever ask you this?

I went to a fundraiser tonight for a friend's brother's girlfriend's sister who has cancer. My friend asked me if i would go and of course i wanted to help out, but i knew beforehand that it was going to be awkward for me. As much as i want to help a person and their family who is struggling, i knew that i was going to be surrounded by a bunch of people i don't know and it was going to be extremely difficult for me to show that i care. Anyway my friend turns to me "whats wrong mate? why are you so quiet tonight?" It upsets me when i want to do good for someone but the way i am makes people think i'm bored or don't want to be there, it was far from the truth.

More than one person turned to me tonight and said, your very quiet tonight, is something wrong? What do people say to this? No nothings wrong i am just an awkward person, i want to be here as much as everyone else i just don't do well around people i don't know very well.

A few years back i probably wouldn't have gone at all, i would have made up an excuse and that would have sucked because it would have meant i would have lost an opportunity to do something good for somebody. I'm glad i forced myself though.
 
All my life.

I have learnt that the following reply works - 'When my mouth is moving my ears aren't listening, just thought I'd listen'.
 
I like that answer :). I have to say i was thinking that in my head "i enjoy listening" but like always i just shrug and laugh and say "i danno"
 
A friend actually asked me that the other day. In my home!

I like Harrison's approach. If I can, I either hide behind my wife, who is NT and socially adept, or I try to keep moving, smiling, looking busy. I don't really care anymore if people think I'm weird, but that doesn't mean I am comfortable with any kind of small talk. I have lately started telling people that "I don't hear as well as I used to" since I simply can't process speech in noisy spaces.
 
I remember a family event I attended years ago someone approach me and ask me why am I so shy? Guys are not suppose to be shy. It like OK, I didn't know it is not legal for men to be shy.
 
JohnnyRock said:
Do people ever ask you this?

I went to a fundraiser tonight for a friend's brother's girlfriend's sister who has cancer. My friend asked me if i would go and of course i wanted to help out, but i knew beforehand that it was going to be awkward for me. As much as i want to help a person and their family who is struggling, i knew that i was going to be surrounded by a bunch of people i don't know and it was going to be extremely difficult for me to show that i care. Anyway my friend turns to me "whats wrong mate? why are you so quiet tonight?" It upsets me when i want to do good for someone but the way i am makes people think i'm bored or don't want to be there, it was far from the truth.

More than one person turned to me tonight and said, your very quiet tonight, is something wrong? What do people say to this? No nothings wrong i am just an awkward person, i want to be here as much as everyone else i just don't do well around people i don't know very well.

A few years back i probably wouldn't have gone at all, i would have made up an excuse and that would have sucked because it would have meant i would have lost an opportunity to do something good for somebody. I'm glad i forced myself though.
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I get the same thing, to this day. I tell people that I don't say anything unless I have something to say. However, in 68 years of being a Aspie, I have learned to interact with NTs a little better.
 
I don't hear it as much as I used to. I carry my camera most of the time, so I'm able to look busy and engaged, while actually being much more comfortable than I would be, if I were supposed to be social. :P The funny thing is, no one has figured that out yet.
 
Aye, go with some variation of "listening". They dismiss your quietness faster. And then a few see it as challenge to then get you to stop spying on them and bombard you with questions. :p
 
Omg people ask me this all the time at work. Depends who I'm in with. If me and my friend's in we are the comedians of the place. If she's not there and there's someone I clash with is there, that's me quiet for the whole day!
 
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Even in family gatherings, I feel terribly awkward and find it hard to relax and start conversation, no matter how hard I try. When I spoke to my cousin, which was an effort for me, it felt more like a formal interview. All I wanted to feel was free. Same with my aunt - I went round to her house just cause it was Xmas and had to exchange presents, which was nice, but as soon as we sat down I felt closed up and awkward. The more she asked me normal questions in a relaxed atmosphere with the fire on and the cats around us sleeping, I felt so tensed. Not been back since. She probably thinks I don't love her. I do. I'm just sh*t in company.
 
Cupboardy said:
Even in family gatherings, I feel terribly awkward and find it hard to relax and start conversation, no matter how hard I try. When I spoke to my cousin, which was an effort for me, it felt more like a formal interview. All I wanted to feel was free. Same with my aunt - I went round to her house just cause it was Xmas and had to exchange presents, which was nice, but as soon as we sat down I felt closed up and awkward. The more she asked me normal questions in a relaxed atmosphere with the fire on and the cats around us sleeping, I felt so tensed. Not been back since. She probably thinks I don't love her. I do. I'm just sh*t in company.
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It very hard for me for larger family events. 20 people or more which is normally how it is. Too many people for me. I also have bad memory for names. Don't remember last time going to a family event. It been many years.
 
More than once, I've had people tell me, "You seemed so quiet and timid, but now that I'm talking to you, you seem like a pretty cool person!" I think it takes patience for both parties. And of course, there are people you just don't click with and want to ignore at all costs. That's the more difficult situation, heh.
 
The Penguin said:
It very hard for me for larger family events. 20 people or more which is normally how it is. Too many people for me. I also have bad memory for names. Don't remember last time going to a family event. It been many years.
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Got an invite to my uncles 60th birthday next month. I'm not going...it's stressful travelling all day to get there and to request time off work. Will just say I'm working and can't go. Nice am I? Lol. It's so awkward.com!!!!
 
wyverary said:
More than once, I've had people tell me, "You seemed so quiet and timid, but now that I'm talking to you, you seem like a pretty cool person!" I think it takes patience for both parties. And of course, there are people you just don't click with and want to ignore at all costs. That's the more difficult situation, heh.
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Exactly! (Your last couple two sentences) I don't know how to singly quote that bit...oh well.

Yup once people get to know me, they think I'm a lovely and warm, thoughtful person too.
 
When I was young, people used to ask me this so often I thought it was a conspiracy to drive me mad. I haven't been asked that so much anymore. However, I do tend to "hide" behind others who are more talkative than I. I'm pretty good one-on-one with people, but I tend to clam up in groups.

My late husband was constantly questioned about his quiet nature. His reply was, "Better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." I believe it is a Chinese saying. He was into Eastern Philosophy.

[Edit] The best part about my husband's reply is his insinuation that people who talk a lot are seen for the fools they really are. Whereby, he insulted those people who questioned him without them being completely aware of it.
 
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Cali Cat said:
When I was young, people used to ask me this so often I thought it was a conspiracy to drive me mad. I haven't been asked that so much anymore. However, I do tend to "hide" behind others who are more talkative than I. I'm pretty good one-on-one with people, but I tend to clam up in groups.

My late husband was constantly questioned about his quiet nature. His reply was, "Better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." I believe it is a Chinese saying. He was into Eastern Philosophy.
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Interesting. I'm okay in groups as I can 'hide' behind others talking if I'm lost for words to say like yourself, but if it's one-to-one, it's more intense as there's no way to escape. I might excuse myself to go to the ladies, but more often I feel stuck in my chair not knowing what to say and feel a relief once the other person starts talking again.

I was told it's odd not speaking and I should do so more (which made me feel worse), and that's by someone who has a sharp tongue. (My stepmother) I'd rather be the nice quiet one than be a 'fool' like her.
 
I wish I was a quiet aspie. I'm the kind of person where I try too hard to talk to people. I need to be the quiet one. I was extremely shy in school. But once people got to know me, I was too annoying or said things that didn't make any sense, so I would coil up into my little shell again. Its still kinda like that today. Only, when I speak and nobody pays attention to me I kinda throw a little tantrum type thing. I hate that part of me.
 
It can sometimes be hard finding people who are willing to look past the shy part of me, but once I do find those people, they see my humourous side. :D
 
I use the "listening" excuse, too:

"Yeah...I learn more when I'm listening."

Then they feel like I'm paying attention to them and wanting to know about them, which is often true, and they keep on talking. It's amazing what kinds of things people will tell you about themselves if you open the door...
 
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