What’s Your Attachment Style

[DavidS]

I’ve been studying attachment theory and I can fairly say I’m in the anxious camp. It’s said the vast majority of us are in the avoidant category. How would y’all characterize yourselves and what strategies do you use to overcome a negative mindset?

 

[Aspychata]

Good post. To stay out of the anxious camp, l take the route straight to the avoidant camp. Because then there is nothing to get anxious about. l even get anxious if the other person projects anxiety as a result of me. It's like double whammy anxiety ,( very scientific terminology☺). I tend to push away people when l hit pure crisis mode, pure survival instinct mode and l have been called on this so l am trying to not do this. This is true avoidant personality with a dump truck of anxiety. Anybody got Prozac here? l am feeling stressed.

 

[Misery]

I'd say I'm in the "argh just go away I'll throw a shoe at you" category.

As for strategies... what strategies? Just throw the shoe and be done with it, that's what I always say.

 

[GadAbout]

I think my parents must have done something right in raising me. I would not want my introvert tendencies (need for more limited social contact) to be misunderstood as anxious or avoidant attachment. I have had a number of romantic partners and been married twice. I embraced the necessity of making some mistakes while going through life. I've even embraced the necessity of sometimes looking like a fool.

 

[Fino]

You mean detachment style!

 

[Thinx]

All the insecure categories are based on anxiety, the response of the baby or child to caregiving/parenting not being optimal in a sustained way. It may just be that parents have to work or there's a lot of children, or similar.

In childhood the styles are termed, secure, anxious-ambivalent, anxious-avoidant, and disorganised. For adults, secure, preoccupied, dismissing, fearful. The terms relate to the observable behaviours the child or adult uses to manage anxiety relating to the availability and behaviours of their attachment figures.

Around a third or more of us will have developed attachment insecurity, however, because it is a developmental system, we can improve our security levels through therapy and/or self study and developmental relating with others as an adult.

Because it's relational, we may have developed different styles in relation to how different parents or caregivers were with us, and the 2 way effect continues in terms of how the style of interaction of the other person is, and whether it helps or doesn't help us feel secure. This is part of how and why therapy works.

I am mostly secure, these days, but grew up insecure. I would say I progressed from an anxious ambivalent/ preoccupied style to a more secure yet also more anxious avoidant/dismissive style, to a mostly secure style.

Autism can confuse the observer, as we can seem avoidant when we are perhaps more detached. However, in terms of our security levels in relating, research has found we are significantly similar to the norms in attachment styles.

 

[Aspychata]

All the insecure categories are based on anxiety, the response of the baby or child to caregiving/parenting not being optimal in a sustained way. It may just be that parents have to work or there's a lot of children, or similar.

In childhood the styles are termed, secure, anxious-ambivalent, anxious-avoidant, and disorganised. For adults, secure, preoccupied, dismissing, fearful. The terms relate to the observable behaviours the child or adult uses to manage anxiety relating to the availability and behaviours of their attachment figures.

Around a third or more of us will have developed attachment insecurity, however, because it is a developmental system, we can improve our security levels through therapy and/or self study and developmental relating with others as an adult.

Because it's relational, we may have developed different styles in relation to how different parents or caregivers were with us, and the 2 way effect continues in terms of how the style of interaction of the other person is, and whether it helps or doesn't help us feel secure. This is part of how and why therapy works.

I am mostly secure, these days, but grew up insecure. I would say I progressed from an anxious ambivalent/ preoccupied style to a more secure yet also more anxious avoidant/dismissive style, to a mostly secure style.

Autism can confuse the observer, as we can seem avoidant when we are perhaps more detached. However, in terms of our security levels in relating, research has found we are significantly similar to the norms in attachment styles.

I guess what is disturbing is that it insulates us like the pink stuff that sits between wall studs. So you become okay with your detachment style because it gets you from point A to point B safely. Not super motivated to change said style because survival is a primal underlying need in myself. But it is great to hear that Thinx evolved to a healthy style. Congrats. I will reread your informative post. After reading your post, my style in based on emotional neglect.

 

[tree]

How Attachment Theory Works
https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html

• Ambivalent attachment: These children become very distressed when a parent leaves. Ambivalent attachment style is considered uncommon, affecting an estimated 7–15% of U.S. children. As a result of poor parental availability, these children cannot depend on their primary caregiver to be there when they need them.
• Avoidant attachment: Children with an avoidant attachment tend to avoid parents or caregivers, showing no preference between a caregiver and a complete stranger. This attachment style might be a result of abusive or neglectful caregivers. Children who are punished for relying on a caregiver will learn to avoid seeking help in the future.
• Disorganized attachment: These children display a confusing mix of behavior, seeming disoriented, dazed, or confused. They may avoid or resist the parent. Lack of a clear attachment pattern is likely linked to inconsistent caregiver behavior. In such cases, parents may serve as both a source of comfort and fear, leading to disorganized behavior.
• Secure attachment: Children who can depend on their caregivers show distress when separated and joy when reunited. Although the child may be upset, they feel assured that the caregiver will return. When frightened, securely attached children are comfortable seeking reassurance from caregivers.

 

[DavidS]

All the insecure categories are based on anxiety, the response of the baby or child to caregiving/parenting not being optimal in a sustained way. It may just be that parents have to work or there's a lot of children, or similar.

In childhood the styles are termed, secure, anxious-ambivalent, anxious-avoidant, and disorganised. For adults, secure, preoccupied, dismissing, fearful. The terms relate to the observable behaviours the child or adult uses to manage anxiety relating to the availability and behaviours of their attachment figures.

Around a third or more of us will have developed attachment insecurity, however, because it is a developmental system, we can improve our security levels through therapy and/or self study and developmental relating with others as an adult.

Because it's relational, we may have developed different styles in relation to how different parents or caregivers were with us, and the 2 way effect continues in terms of how the style of interaction of the other person is, and whether it helps or doesn't help us feel secure. This is part of how and why therapy works.

I am mostly secure, these days, but grew up insecure. I would say I progressed from an anxious ambivalent/ preoccupied style to a more secure yet also more anxious avoidant/dismissive style, to a mostly secure style.

Autism can confuse the observer, as we can seem avoidant when we are perhaps more detached. However, in terms of our security levels in relating, research has found we are significantly similar to the norms in attachment styles.

I’ve submitted the forms to begin therapy through CARD hopefully to help me become more secure. I’ve never really felt much emotional bonding with my caregivers. Now that I’ve moved out alone, I can say I feel very emotionally detached from them.

On the other hand, I’ve become preoccupied with the relationship with my girlfriend. The anxiety causes rumination and me wanting the feeling of being near her. It’s gotten better over the past two weeks through self talk and everyone here has given great advice . The path to secure isn’t easy, but people usually say I do hard things anyways.

 

[Thinx]

I’ve submitted the forms to begin therapy through CARD hopefully to help me become more secure. I’ve never really felt much emotional bonding with my caregivers. Now that I’ve moved out alone, I can say I feel very emotionally detached from them.

On the other hand, I’ve become preoccupied with the relationship with my girlfriend. The anxiety causes rumination and me wanting the feeling of being near her. It’s gotten better over the past two weeks through self talk and everyone here has given great advice . The path to secure isn’t easy, but people usually say I do hard things anyways.

Yes that sounds like you may have an anxious-ambivalent / Preoccupied attachment style, and I think you said elsewhere that your girlfriend was uncomfortable with how you had acted on those feelings? It's great that you are going to do some work on that, you sound very motivated.

It sounds like the positive self talk is a good strategy that's working well for you too. It's important you look after yourself in whatever ways you can, do things you enjoy and give yourself rewards for how you are coping, talk with friends and spend time with others. It sounds like you are doing well.

 

[DavidS]

Yes that sounds like you may have an anxious-ambivalent / Preoccupied attachment style, and I think you said elsewhere that your girlfriend was uncomfortable with how you had acted on those feelings? It's great that you are going to do some work on that, you sound very motivated.

It sounds like the positive self talk is a good strategy that's working well for you too. It's important you look after yourself in whatever ways you can, do things you enjoy and give yourself rewards for how you are coping, talk with friends and spend time with others. It sounds like you are doing well.

Over the course of the Feb-Mar, she asked for a favor paying her lease, she owns a business but was preoccupied with a more activist mentality, for something dear to both of our hearts. At the beginning Ivery willingly showed support, but the shift in attention drew irrational jealousy out of me. Heated words were said, and she felt uncomfortable being near me. I don’t know what she thinks now but life has made her even more busy, we’ve not seen each other in over a month. Obviously kicking the preoccupation into high gear.

One thing I found very helpful is audibly explaining things to friends, it helps me see things clearer and more rationally. I truly acted a fool.

 

[Aspychata]

Over the course of the Feb-Mar, she asked for a favor paying her lease, she owns a business but was preoccupied with a more activist mentality, for something dear to both of our hearts. At the beginning Ivery willingly showed support, but the shift in attention drew irrational jealousy out of me. Heated words were said, and she felt uncomfortable being near me. I don’t know what she thinks now but life has made her even more busy, we’ve not seen each other in over a month. Obviously kicking the preoccupation into high gear.

One thing I found very helpful is audibly explaining things to friends, it helps me see things clearer and more rationally. I truly acted a fool.

Hey it's okay. We fall down. We pick ourselves up. And we come away smarter.

 

[DavidS]

Hey it's okay. We fall down. We pick ourselves up. And we come away smarter.

This separation is hitting both of us hard, she not been able to sleep but she still insists on prolonging everything. Her focus is drawn in far too many places.

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry. l can't last 24 hours in break-up mode. l need tranquilizers to break-up.

 

[DavidS]

Sorry. l can't last 24 hours in break-up mode. l need tranquilizers to break-up.

It’s far from break up, it’s just that everything personal is set on the burners because of public duty and what not. This will soon be the 8th week since we’ve seen each other.

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry.