When introversion becomes a problem.

[Marcus]

I've had more conversations with myself about this than anything else in my life it seems.

One side of me is happy with the fact that I isolate myself from people, I stay out of trouble and I'm not bothered.

But, the other side of me has a burning desire for a feeling of importance. Just having someone regularly check up on me and see how things are going would be a nice change of pace.

I want to matter to people, to be included in gatherings and just feel like I belong.

I've had a lot of people tell me that one of the biggest things that hold me back is the fact that I have no presence at all on the major social media platforms.

Why should I? You have to have friends and be relevant to people to justify having those.

I don't even have a cellphone in all honesty, in my opinion it's a giant waste of money because I know that no one would ever call or text me aside from telemarketers.

I've often thought about trying to break away from isolation and just throw myself into bars and other types of places where there is a lot of people just in an effort to get myself out there and meet others.

I've had this saying constantly repeat in my head for the past two years now: "If your presence doesn't matter in person, it certainly won't matter online."

Well, so far I haven't been proven wrong yet. I don't believe I will be anytime soon.

I've heard that people with autism are perfectly fine with being alone, well I was when I was younger, but as I age I grow more and more depressed as I realize that my door of opportunity for meeting new friends and possibly finding a significant other is closing fast.

 

[Katleya]

I am looking forward to everybody ranting againt social media in 3... 2... 1...

But until then: it's great that you're thinking about breaking away from isolation.
I'm not entirely convinced that bars and places with a lot of people are your absolute best bet if you're very introverted, maybe you would need to take it a little slower so that you don't end up completely traumatized because you went way beyond your current ability to deal with people.
If it were me, I'd feel a safer bet would be to start with a smaller-scale place, but I'm a little short on suggestions (I don't exactly go out, except for an occasional lunch a few times a year).

Are there groups that have activities you might be interested in joining? Some members here have tried the meetup groups, but I'm not sure these always work.
Maybe groups with a common center of interest? What are things you're into (Star Wars is one, as far as I can see)?

Oh, wait, there's one thing I did a few years ago, the idea is super cringeworthy, but it was honestly one of the best decisions I ever took, and I'm really glad I put myself through that, even though I have to admit the first month was a battle with myself and a total nightmare:
I joined a public speaking club, affiliated with Toastmasters.

Not going to lie, the idea of speaking, standing up (okay, I was sort of standing up, but supported by a desk behind me), in front of a room full of people, with all eyes on me was terrifying. I still don't know what caused me to decide to try it, and I don't know how I found the courage to go the first time.
But it did me a lot of good in many ways:
- It gave me some confidence that I never had before (or never knew I had, maybe?),
- It taught me ways to speak and to carry myself, which are helpful in my everyday life because I encounter people wherever I go,
- As a result, I was gradually able to shed an over-apologetic demeanor, like I was sorry I existed, and then one day, I was not sorry anymore, I had accepted myself, and I acknowledged my worth,
- I'm still introverted like you wouldn't believe, but years later I was asked to MC a super important work function because I gave the impression that I was naturally at ease with such things. It would never have happened without joining that club (and that function is one of my best memories, really).
- It was entertaining.

I can't recommend it enough, to you, or to anybody who is introverted and feels isolated by their introversion. I was only able to attend for 4 months or so, but even that made for some awesome progress, I met people, I acquired social skills I will be using for the rest of my life, and let's face it, 4 months is not that big of a commitment.

 

[Sherlock77]

Interesting... A friend of mine who is NT told me a story about recently meeting a lady at a club... The social media angle - my friend does very little social media (he isn't the only one), apparently she thought it was turn off that my friend had almost no social media when she looked up his name...

On that criteria I might be in the same boat too

 

[OkRad]

This is something I really have analyzed extensively. I have done it all, in terms of approaching it on every angle. When I was young, I stayed to myself and isolated. I liked it.

But then I was told that was bad to isolate, so I tried to get out there. I went to church groups, singles groups, meetups, and volunteered. I worked with the elderly and Downs' syndrome kids and put myself out there on every level. I went to college and support groups and therapy......

In the end, they ALL disasters because I simply cannot seem to be getting whatever it is that others get. I liked the people, the people liked me! It was just 100% unsustainable because the things I had to do to DO these things were utterly and totally EXHAUSTING.

I had to change the way I ate and dressed and thought. I had to fake a small little smile because people would ask "What is the matter" when nothing was. I started to form an alternative self for "outside". It was OK for a while, but then it got confusing. Others were not doing this.

The outside me and inside me where at battle. I WANTED to read more again, to explore intellectual things. Even in college, it was too hard because I could not eat at school and could not socialize, so I had the mind part, but everything else was hell.

I am now isolated again. I love it. If I go out, it is the Inside me that I take outside. If no one likes me I am OK with that now. I am older though. When younger, it was very hard.

But isolation is a God send for many of us.

 

[OkRad]

Interesting... A friend of mine who is NT told me a story about recently meeting a lady at a club... The social media angle - my friend does very little social media (he isn't the only one), apparently she thought it was turn off that my friend had almost no social media when she looked up his name...

On that criteria I might be in the same boat too

There is a reason for that. People who are convicted of certain crimes are not allowed to have social media. That is why some people have even a small one, to avert that notion. I am not saying I agree or anything, but it seems to be that in the past , not having socail media was good, it meant you were smart, but there seems to be a curve that hit. Now it seems to indicate that someone is trying to hide something.

 

[Katleya]

There is a reason for that. People who are convicted of certain crimes are not allowed to have social media. That is why some people have even a small one, to avert that notion. I am not saying I agree or anything, but it seems to be that in the past , not having socail media was good, it meant you were smart, but there seems to be a curve that hit. Now it seems to indicate that someone is trying to hide something.

Gosh, can't honest people be allowed to live under the radar, too? I hate that some people automatically jump to the worst possible conclusions, maybe some of us just don't like the social media circus & freakshow, and have an actual life to deal with, rather than painting a make-believe perfect life to forget how crappy life can actually be. Herd mentality, flock mentality, cricket mentality, fake mentality.

(My contribution to the rant against social media)

 

[Sherlock77]

Gosh, can't honest people be allowed to live under the radar, too? I hate that some people automatically jump to the worst possible conclusions, maybe some of us just don't like the social media circus & freakshow, and have an actual life to deal with, rather than painting a make-believe perfect life to forget how crappy life can actually be. Herd mentality, flock mentality, cricket mentality, fake mentality.

(My contribution to the rant against social media)

My NT friend does have a Facebook profile, but with very little content... I guess the lady he was interested in wasn't very impressed by that... What a world we live in

 

[kay]

Some thoughts about social media. Don't bother if you don't want. A couple of the most social, well connected people I know don't do Facebook, Twitter, or even Pinterest. One reason I was able to go ahead and let myself get rid of my Facebook account was being around this woman with no social media who knows so many people, and incredibly interesting people. If she wasn't missing anything then what reason did I have again? None, so I completely got rid of my account. Have not missed it at all.

 

[Sherlock77]

I'm on Facebook, rarely do a post on my wall, occasionally... I stay on there because I find lots of local event listings on there, things and places to go, particularly for my photography... All of my likes are for local businesses and local artists... Nothing of the national chain variety, I'm Canadian and don't like Tim Horton's coffee! There I said it...

 

[Suzanne]

Hi Marcus

I am not alone per ce, as I am married, but my husband is a low earner ( just stating a fact) and so, constantly works to bring home money, which means that we spend only a small amount of time together.

I was surprised, on moving to a different country ( not my choice), that despite how isolating it was, I was fine. I barely saw my husband, due to him working long hours, but for some reason, loneliness was not in my heart.

We now live in a small village ( France) and suddenly loneliness has knocked on my door and oh my!

My husband is not a conversationlist and so, I talk to myself, but that often poses many problems, because I end up creating the perfect scenario and get bitterly disappointed when it doesn't go that way, so I have to stop myself.

There was a time, you would never think that I would own a mobile phone ( cell phone). I refused to become a part of the stupid nation, with their phone glued to their ears and then, I was persuaded by my husband and so, lol I remember going to the shop and asking for a phone and I saw a sea of these devices and said rather helplessly; I only want a phone. And I hate phones. But I LOVE texting and found my niche with it. I am a fast texter with just one finger and all my thoughts flow. I text regularly with two females and feel less alone. I also have a spiritual daughter ( they are all of my faith) and talking about faiths, that is what keeps me from sinking or taking my own life, because of the futility of it.

How I translate: I want to be alone, but also feel I want to be important is that you want to be treated with respect; to not be ignored and I tell you, I have been ignored so many times and it is very painful.

If it were not for social media, I would go crazy, because yes, age makes you revaluate your life and if it is lacking, panic sets in.

 

[Chance]

There is a reason for that. People who are convicted of certain crimes are not allowed to have social media. That is why some people have even a small one, to avert that notion. I am not saying I agree or anything, but it seems to be that in the past , not having socail media was good, it meant you were smart, but there seems to be a curve that hit. Now it seems to indicate that someone is trying to hide something.

I was gradually able to shed an over-apologetic demeanor, like I was sorry I existed, and then one day, I was not sorry anymore

I am trying hide something... Me and the ASD... but I also simply don't like the type of interaction of social media most the time...

Lots of time its just like High School for grown up... groups, clicks, imaginary rockstars and legends in their own minds...
Thats cool if thats what people like, and I may have a very wrong view of it also... : )

 

[Progster]

I don't know why people seem to have this idea that all life has to revolve round social media, because there is so much more to life, social media are largely superficial in nature.

In the past, I met people by joining local walking clubs - taking up a hobby, going to classes or joining online forums with local meet-ups might be a good way of meeting like-minded people. I have just about zero social life, I go out to the supermarket or for a walk in the forest, but that's about it - I have Facebook but I feel that it's aimed at a different sort of person and it doesn't really suit me, I feel much more at home in places like this forum.

 

[Marcus]

@Sportster I've heard people say that too, but I guarantee you that those people couldn't handle the type of quiet that we have to endure. (Not to speak for you or anything.)

I love it when they try to suggest "going outside" like that's magically going to fix the problem.

I'm used to not hearing from people though unless it's an absolute emergency, then I'm supposed to drop everything and come running, even though I know they would never do the same for me.

 

[Beverly Kamin]

I'm trying to spend less time on social media and more time around other people. I certainly don't want to isolate myself...sometimes it can be hard to put myself out there though.