When people are kind ...

[Neri]

It disarms me and sometimes I cry and it's overwhelming.

Today I was treated very kindly by a couple of women, and I cried with them, but it's so vulnerable and I can't really handle it, as well as it being so relieving and comforting.

Being this sensitive is such a mixed blessing.

I wanted to start this thread to see how other people handle kindness.

I didn't get a lot of it for a lot of my life and I just thought that was my lot, but I really try to be kind myself.

I had a bit of a motto that I lived by for a lot of the very, very hard years. It was to always treat people kindly because you never know what they are going through. Now I'm not going to say I always achieved it, and being autistic, I sure I missed the mark plenty of times without even being aware of it, but, because I'd struggled so hard as a child and teen just to not unalive myself, I learnt to consider how others might be doing it tough.

But when others are nice to me, without having to be, they really cause me some cognitive dissonance and it brings up so many strong emotions for me. Particularly when it's face to face.

 

[Suzanne]

In I am suspicious of kind people and I guess it is due to experiencing false kindness. Which is ironic, because I believe strongly in kindness and I do believe that I am known as a kind person ( well, some say so).

Hate crying in front of others, so it makes me feel unhinged when it happens.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I appreciate it. Usually being kind requires some effort. I always try to be kind when I interact with anyone, so it's always nice to see it from others

 

[AprilR]

I understand. Usually i don't react at all when something bad happens and when i am hurt bc i am so used to being hurt. But when someone is nice to me or tries to comfort me, i sometimes get hit by emotions and cry.

I think maybe it is bc we went through a lot of negative feelings and trauma in our formative years, and no one helped, we dont expect kindness from people. I think this is the case for me, at least since being an undiagnosed autistic person with a dysfunctional family was really hard for me growing up..

 

[Aspychata]

I work hard in being kind. Sometimes l am treated not nice, but l need to not return the meanness. Some people are kind. Some people are (words not allowed at forum). But l agree with @Suzanne about fake kindness. That feels so wrong.

 

[NDR2]

I always try to be kind because I’d want people to treat me kindly. When people are kind to me, or do nice things for me, I certainly appreciate it - although I’m not always able to reciprocate it in the same way.

It’s true that some people may act kind and have some mean or dishonest ulterior motive behind it. It’s not so easy for me to see through that.

 

[1ForAll]

Met some really kind nurses ( about three ladies and one guy) at the hospital cardiac unit the end of last month when I was there a few days. Unfortunately, not the best news there as they diagnosed pericarditis AND up to 69% blockage in LAD artery.

Was not expecting that as thought I was really healthy. But, at least it motivated me to start making future plans right away and I can get on the right meds to hopefully prevent surgery need and an early death. Also, the pericarditis inflammation went down to normal levels recently at least.

But, what I will remember most the last almost four weeks is not some worries I had and pain but the staff there that tried to make things calm and comfortable for me, and their constant niceness towards me, which I gladly then returned because of my appreciation there but which would have happened anyway as I focus easily on any good I see.

I admit though I see far more neutral and negative personalities and feelings in life than positive and nice acting persons. Whether that is sincere or not, it makes me feeling better being around these persons. It must be hard working in a hospital with long hours, pressures, and sick persons around, and with some not happy people. At least I hopefully made things easier for them in ways too.

 

[Ken]

I think that I would also cry if I was treated kindly. I have been treated kindly, but never actually to me. Only by people that are supposed to and who do not know me. Sales people in stores for example. It is their job to be kind to customers. It is important to be kind in order to sell their products. The kindness has nothing to do with me personally.

I don't have any memory of anyone actually being kind to me - who actually knows me. By contrast, I'm pretty sure I would remember any genuine kindness. I guess there is just nothing about me that deserves kindness.

...Actually, I have received real, genuine kindness that made me cry. I still cry every time I remember it or think about it. Unfortunately, the kindness was not from any member of the human species.

I am very happy that you experienced some real kindness. I am happy that you shared it with us.

Thank You!!

 

[Neri]

In I am suspicious of kind people and I guess it is due to experiencing false kindness. Which is ironic, because I believe strongly in kindness and I do believe that I am known as a kind person ( well, some say so).

Hate crying in front of others, so it makes me feel unhinged when it happens.

That is hard, but I understand why. Trauma and exploitation are such common life experiences for us Auties, and we can be delayed, or just completely "miss the boat" in understanding that the things people say isn't what they really mean.

That's how I got in a long term abuse relationship. And my ex was never nice to me, but he had written songs that made it sound like he cared about things I cared about, like ecology and social justice, and I thought that meant he was a good person.

Now I understand talk is cheap; people can say all sorts of things that sound "nice" or good, but they can have a very un-nice, selfish agenda.

 

[Neri]

I appreciate it. Usually being kind requires some effort. I always try to be kind when I interact with anyone, so it's always nice to see it from others

I think it gets less effort when practised a lot, but for us, a lot of social interaction can feel like effort and is challenging on our particular kinds of brains.

I also think we can express our care for other's by "info dumping" and it feels like a "love language" for us, but is not necessarily experienced by the other person as such. I know that it is taking me many, many years to understand this fact.

 

[Neri]

Met some really kind nurses ( about three ladies and one guy) at the hospital cardiac unit the end of last month when I was there a few days. Unfortunately, not the best news there as they diagnosed pericarditis AND up to 69% blockage in LAD artery.

Was not expecting that as thought I was really healthy. But, at least it motivated me to start making future plans right away and I can get on the right meds to hopefully prevent surgery need and an early death. Also, the pericarditis inflammation went down to normal levels recently at least.

But, what I will remember most the last almost four weeks is not some worries I had and pain but the staff there that tried to make things calm and comfortable for me, and their constant niceness towards me, which I gladly then returned because of my appreciation there but which would have happened anyway as I focus easily on any good I see.

I admit though I see far more neutral and negative personalities and feelings in life than positive and nice acting persons. Whether that is sincere or not, it makes me feeling better being around these persons. It must be hard working in a hospital with long hours, pressures, and sick persons around, and with some not happy people. At least I hopefully made things easier for them in ways too.

I'm sorry to hear about your recent health concerns.
Unfortunately, the recent injections that most people were forced, or strongly encouraged to have, led to a huge increase in pericarditis and myocarditis, in otherwise healthy young men, in particular.

I'm glad yours is subsiding.

It's lovely when care staff are genuinely caring people. I think it helps a great deal in the healing process.

 

[Neri]

I think that I would also cry if I was treated kindly. I have been treated kindly, but never actually to me. Only by people that are supposed to and who do not know me. Sales people in stores for example. It is their job to be kind to customers. It is important to be kind in order to sell their products. The kindness has nothing to do with me personally.

I don't have any memory of anyone actually being kind to me - who actually knows me. By contrast, I'm pretty sure I would remember any genuine kindness. I guess there is just nothing about me that deserves kindness.

...Actually, I have received real, genuine kindness that made me cry. I still cry every time I remember it or think about it. Unfortunately, the kindness was not from any member of the human species.

I am very happy that you experienced some real kindness. I am happy that you shared it with us.

Thank You!!

That made me feel a bit sad for you, that you haven't experienced kindness, so much, as well. And I feel so comforted that you understand.
Thank YOU!

Also, I really don't believe that there would be nothing about you that deserves kindness. Just no. It just says to me that you have experienced an overwhelming amount of the opposite and that your sense of self is injured, as a result. I have that, and they called it Complex, Developmental, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's treatable, but I ended up needing to be hospitalized in a facility for Trauma& Dissociation. And I'm still doing therapy for it.

 

[Fino]

When someone is unusually kind in particular ways, I find it painful but good. It's confusing. But good.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

It disarms me and sometimes I cry and it's overwhelming.

Today I was treated very kindly by a couple of women, and I cried with them, but it's so vulnerable and I can't really handle it, as well as it being so relieving and comforting.

Being this sensitive is such a mixed blessing.

I wanted to start this thread to see how other people handle kindness.

I didn't get a lot of it for a lot of my life and I just thought that was my lot, but I really try to be kind myself.

I had a bit of a motto that I lived by for a lot of the very, very hard years. It was to always treat people kindly because you never know what they are going through. Now I'm not going to say I always achieved it, and being autistic, I sure I missed the mark plenty of times without even being aware of it, but, because I'd struggled so hard as a child and teen just to not unalive myself, I learnt to consider how others might be doing it tough.

But when others are nice to me, without having to be, they really cause me some cognitive dissonance and it brings up so many strong emotions for me. Particularly when it's face to face.

Yes I love it too and being able to trust others wholeheartedly that they will not hurt you.
Whoever would say kindness is wrong when it is so comforting to others and helps them feel loved and accepted.

 

[The Pandector]

I admit that kindness makes me suspicious. First, it wasn’t a normal part of life. Second, I was pranked a few times in school, the bait of the trap being acceptance/kindness.

Mostly, I don’t like owing people. They tend to expect paybacks to which I would never have agreed. This is probably a normal part of building a relationship, but a hundred times burned, forever shy.

So, when real kindness comes along, I’m cautious. Then I remember it.

 

[Neri]

I admit that kindness makes me suspicious. First, it wasn’t a normal part of life. Second, I was pranked a few times in school, the bait of the trap being acceptance/kindness.

Mostly, I don’t like owing people. They tend to expect paybacks to which I would never have agreed. This is probably a normal part of building a relationship, but a hundred times burned, forever shy.

So, when real kindness comes along, I’m cautious. Then I remember it.

Yes, the main lady who was so nice to me wants me to come back to this particular social event that occurs regularly, but it's very confronting for me and it does feel unsafe. It feels a bit trap-like, but, I'm pretty sure that's the trauma talking.
I might go back with my support worker though, as I am trying to condition myself to get used to social situations.
I'm feeling naked now I can't hide behind my children, they've grown, the youngest turned 18 the other day and is planning on moving away shortly, and I can't hide behind my performance art, as I've not been singing and dancing for a while now. So, I feel so exposed and unsafe trying to get myself out of agoraphobic/socially phobic tendencies. I might just use my newly acquired support to help me broach this.