When they don’t understand

[Amanda Nyborg]

hey guys! I am new to this forum I am recently diagnosed with Aspergers. I feel terribly alone right now because I feel like my best friends and husband don’t get it.

Today my best friend was mad at me for not being empathetic and saying things that were cold but honestly they were the truth and I didn’t understand why she was so mad. My husband also this week accused me of being cold and unempathetic.

Does anyone else have this happen to them?

 

[Misery]

Yes, I get this sometimes.

I dont have much in the way of advice though, considering that my usual response to someone saying that is "go away". I figure, the people around me all know about my diagnosis and such. They've all had it explained to them in great detail. If they're still going to whine about it despite knowing all that, well... they can go whine somewhere else, because it's already been explained. They should know better than to expect me to take a particular instance in some problem of theirs. Particularly when 99% of the problems are actually just stupid social issues.

 

[Judge]

Welcome to AF, Amanda.

Yes, it's often a tough lesson for us all. I suspect most of us have had to deal with such a scenario. Where the reality for so many of us is that no matter who is within our social orbit, that:

1) There will be a very tiny number of those who want to understand and will succeed.
2) That a few more will want to understand and fail.
3) With the vast majority expecting or demanding that we should all neurologically conform to the social majority.

The saddest aspect of letting friends and family know, is that there's no way to predict whether they will be receptive or negative towards one's diagnosis of being on the spectrum of autism. It's a principle reason for opting to be very guarded about who you tell. To keep it exclusively on a "need-to-know" basis only.

Though know also that for many of us, it isn't that we necessarily "lack" empathy, but rather that we don't visually project it in a way that Neurotypicals expect or understand.

 

[Amanda Nyborg]

Thank you guys! Yes that’s what I tried to explain. That actually I feel very much I just do not react the way it is expected. I have been feeling very lonely lately and am desperate to be apart of a community that understands. I feel like I’m from another planet most of the time and it’s been making me feel depressed

 

[Tom]

This is a thing many on the spectrum experience in a variety of ways. And it usually leads to misunderstanding and misinterpreting intent and motivations, often lasting years. I didn't know I had HFA when I first had to deal with it, and just practiced acting like everyone else (masking) to fit in. Later on, once I knew I was autistic I came to think of it more in terms of like handling a different language and learning to translate things into forms they understand and work with those close to me to try and do the same.

 

[Amanda Nyborg]

This is a thing many on the spectrum experience in a variety of ways. And it usually leads to misunderstanding and misinterpreting intent and motivations, often lasting years. I didn't know I had HFA when I first had to deal with it, and just practiced acting like everyone else (masking) to fit in. Later on, once I knew I was autistic I came to think of it more in terms of like handling a different language and learning to translate things into forms they understand and work with those close to me to try and do the same.

That’s very helpful advice. I often feel like I’m speaking another language and I’m always misunderstanding or being understood.

 

[Kalinychta]

hey guys! I am new to this forum I am recently diagnosed with Aspergers. I feel terribly alone right now because I feel like my best friends and husband don’t get it.

Today my best friend was mad at me for not being empathetic and saying things that were cold but honestly they were the truth and I didn’t understand why she was so mad. My husband also this week accused me of being cold and unempathetic.

Does anyone else have this happen to them?

It's funny how un-communicative and dishonest communication is, isn't it? So much of what we say is just "empty calories," and people who are direct and honest are seen as rude or even hateful. We're supposed to sugar-coat everything and outright lie on a daily basis.

I'm sorry about your husband and friend. Perhaps you should tell them that name-calling is unhelpful and unkind and that if they do not want you to respond truly and honestly to a question they ask,--in other words, if they don't actually care what you really think but rather just want you to placate, reassure, and lie to them,--then you'd rather they didn't ask you at all.

 

[Aspychata]

I want to take them in another room and explain there is no right or wrong way to feel things. We all feel and experience tres differently. It doesn't automatically assign you to cold and uncaring. Some of us don't feel anything until a day later.

People have to learn to accept all of you, period. You are the same person that you were 5 years ago. You haven't changed.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Misinterpreting emotions and having your own emotions misinterpreted seems to be a common thing.

I used to get a lot of people responding to me as if I was angry. I realized it's my low, monotonous voice that sounded angry, and had to work at lightening my tone. It's always a conscious effort, so maybe that's one of my masking activities.

This Christmas Eve, my stepmother told one of my sons (who I very strongly suspect is also ASD), "Stop moping! Go mingle!" He wasn't moping - he was just chilling, but he I guess he has a "sad resting face". He has also complained several times about his schoolmates asking him, "Why are you so sad?" when he isn't sad.

 

[Misery]

Misinterpreting emotions and having your own emotions misinterpreted seems to be a common thing.

I used to get a lot of people responding to me as if I was angry. I realized it's my low, monotonous voice that sounded angry, and had to work at lightening my tone. It's always a conscious effort, so maybe that's one of my masking activities.

This Christmas Eve, my stepmother told one of my sons (who I very strongly suspect is also ASD), "Stop moping! Go mingle!" He wasn't moping - he was just chilling, but he I guess he has a "sad resting face". He has also complained several times about his schoolmates asking him, "Why are you so sad?" when he isn't sad.

Honestly that third paragraph is one of the things that bothers me the most.

"Go mingle! Go talk with everyone!" Uuuuuuuuugh

I'll never understand the desire to do that. First of all, what is the point? I have no shared interests with them and nothing to talk about. Secondly, I'm not going to do the small talk crap, nor am I interested in gossip. No, I dont want to hear about who is angry at who, or the fact that your grandmother ate her hat, and I DEFINITELY dont want to hear about your stupid goblin monster- what? "Baby"? Sure, whatever.

Honestly as a kid, the whole reason I'd be "moping" in another room is because I didnt want to be there in the first place.

These days, fortunately, nobody can force me to go to these things. It's been many years since I've been to one. Wonderful.

Really though, most people wont even attempt to understand this stuff even if it's explained to them. Irritating, that.

 

[Rasputin]

hey guys! I am new to this forum I am recently diagnosed with Aspergers. I feel terribly alone right now because I feel like my best friends and husband don’t get it.

Today my best friend was mad at me for not being empathetic and saying things that were cold but honestly they were the truth and I didn’t understand why she was so mad. My husband also this week accused me of being cold and unempathetic.

Does anyone else have this happen to them?

Yes, my wife and her sister tell me this almost weekly. I have explained the ASD to them, but they do not get it. I wish I could offer more encouragement.

 

[Amanda Nyborg]

It's funny how un-communicative and dishonest communication is, isn't it? So much of what we say is just "empty calories," and people who are direct and honest are seen as rude or even hateful. We're supposed to sugar-coat everything and outright lie on a daily basis.

I'm sorry about your husband and friend. Perhaps you should tell them that name-calling is unhelpful and unkind and that if they do not want you to respond truly and honestly to a question they ask,--in other words, if they don't actually care what you really think but rather just want you to placate, reassure, and lie to them,--then you'd rather they didn't ask you at all.

Exactly! It’s unfair that some of the things ppl ask each other is a set up. Questions like “does this dress make me look fat?” I am learning that ppl want you to sugar coat and essentially lie. It’s not something I can do and I never understand why I’m berated for just being honest and telling the truth especially when everyone else is thinking it too

 

[Fino]

It's a difference of values.

You place what you perceive to be the truth as more important than any other value.

Those you're interacting with may be placing the value of kindness as more important than truth.

And so when the option comes to be either kind or honest, they would choose kind and you would choose honest.

Part of the problem with valuing your own honesty above all else is that it often involves a type of arrogance. It's to say that what you perceive to be true is true and others should know that. But a great majority of the time, ambiguity is involved and a person's blank delivery of the "truth" is not entirely accurate and it's simply a choice to be rude under the guise of honesty.

Of course, I don't know all of your specific instances, but generally this is what I've found.

And it's not a black or white choice between the truth and something else. To deliver the truth with tact and care is a sign of love for the person you're interacting with. When you love someone, you desire to spare them pain. The aim of your dialogue then becomes to spare pain, which certainly does not entirely eliminate truth. A fine balance is an important part of relationships.

 

[SusanLR]

Give me the pain then.
If I asked a question like does this make me look fat?
I'm probably already thinking it in my mind and just want an honest validation of yes or no.
Sugar coating it would make me feel worse than an honest opinion.
I would feel they were deceitful for some reason.

For the same I reason, I would answer honestly the question asked.
If I value an honest answer then I'd think they would also.
It has nothing to do with valuing my own honesty.
I guess I think others want the same truth that I want and that doesn't seem to be so.

 

[Amanda Nyborg]

Give me the pain then.
If I asked a question like does this make me look fat?
I'm probably already thinking it in my mind and just want an honest validation of yes or no.
Sugar coating it would make me feel worse than an honest opinion.
I would feel they were deceitful for some reason.

For the same I reason, I would answer honestly the question asked.
If I value an honest answer then I'd think they would also.
It has nothing to do with valuing my own honesty.
I guess I think others want the same truth that I want and that doesn't seem to be so.

I agree I would want the truth as well. When I ask someone something it’s because I want the truth.

 

[paloftoon]

Sometimes, people don't want the truth. To them, just hearing positive and nice things is being warm and pleasing. Maybe, before you say something negative, try asking the person if they want a negative sounding response first. If they say no or nothing that gives you an opportunity to switch the topic or admit you're giving them a white lie and then move on. Easier said than done, I know.

Even though we may not be cold, some people may take it that way.

 

[Sarah S]

Welcome to AF, Amanda.

Yes, it's often a tough lesson for us all. I suspect most of us have had to deal with such a scenario. Where the reality for so many of us is that no matter who is within our social orbit, that:

1) There will be a very tiny number of those who want to understand and will succeed.
2) That a few more will want to understand and fail.
3) With the vast majority expecting or demanding that we should all neurologically conform to the social majority.

The saddest aspect of letting friends and family know, is that there's no way to predict whether they will be receptive or negative towards one's diagnosis of being on the spectrum of autism. It's a principle reason for opting to be very guarded about who you tell. To keep it exclusively on a "need-to-know" basis only.

although i can most defently understand youre point of views here Judge i have to point out this (based on my own experinces and beliefs )

If we constantly should have to hide our diffent " tics " out of frightment that we will be il treated although we are alredy being treated and regarded as idiots /missunderstood as cold hearted and even mean in some cases like in this f. ex... Due to others dont understand about youre diagnosisand that you CANT do anything about them in most cases . Isent it better to give theme the chance utliest to maybe understand why you react and behave as you do ?

The more us with this and other diagnosis chose to try to hide /mask our " tics " the more will we continue to be missunderstood /misstreated / frozend out /regarded as idiots etc...

Yes we risk of still being regarded as idiots and all the rest BUT we were alredy being treated /regarded as this from the beginning so whats to loose from utliest giving our closest ones the chance to understand us better ? And if they cant dont want to then who needs them ? I shore dont. Ive been up and straight about all my diagnosis from day one to all my friends /family and new friends as well from day one & will continue this as long as breath. Its up to those around me to ACCEPT who i am and what i am or we can just walk separate path`s simple as that i will NEVER feel ashamed about ANY of my diagnos nor will i EVER try to hide them.

 

[Judge]

Its up to those around me to ACCEPT who i am and what i am or we can just walk separate path`s simple as that i will NEVER feel ashamed about ANY of my diagnos nor will i EVER try to hide them.

In a perfect world, I might agree. But we don't exist in one. Instead we exist within a species that tends to be hostile to anyone who appears to be significantly "different" in any number of ways. If I lived in a more socially progressive environment, I too might be more inclined to test the waters socially as you are. But I don't.

According to the CDC, the Neurodiverse account for approximately 1.8% of society. Leaving the vast majority Neurotypicals who in most cases haven't a clue of what Neurodiversity is, let alone having any incentive to understand or tolerate a tiny percentage of the population. In most cases they don't, and for the most simplest of reasons. -Because they don't have to.

Leaving us to decide whether or not we want to endure potentially endless social persecution and ostracization just for being ourselves. For some of us this may not be considered a high price to pay. For others, it may simply be too much a price to pay. Another consideration is the nation you live in. Which in many instances may determine how much social strife exists in everyday society that compounds any consideration of the gap between the Neurodiverse and the Neurotypical.

One not ever feel ashamed of their neurological profile. However depending on their immediate environment, they damn well better understand the ramifications of being transparent on the spectrum of autism. Which might be really positive, or really negative depending upon their social and cultural environment apart from the company you choose to keep. Where for so many of us, even those we thought who were closest to us can be the same ones so likely to betray us over our neurological differences.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

it certainly has, and I couldn't care less.

granted, i'm not married so i'm not in a situation where i'm forced to deal with another person being in my life.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

hey guys! I am new to this forum I am recently diagnosed with Aspergers. I feel terribly alone right now because I feel like my best friends and husband don’t get it.

Today my best friend was mad at me for not being empathetic and saying things that were cold but honestly they were the truth and I didn’t understand why she was so mad. My husband also this week accused me of being cold and unempathetic.

Does anyone else have this happen to them?

i can relate to that,because when i try to explain something i try to tell my mother,she gets upset about it real fast & real quick.she's so hard on me because she knows i can do better,and she thinks being like that is going to get me to whatever i can do ? Yeah,right