Where Do I Belong?

[SUM1]

I often, VERY often, feel that since I can't act "normal", and everyone at, say, my school treats me as if I'm weird because of that, and I'm involved in bullying and stuff, then why am I there? If they can't adapt to me and just bully me for who I am, and if the teachers and lessons are environments in which I feel extremely uncomfortable in (like with germs, people being near me, the crowdedness, the anxiety of a sudden lash out of bad behaviour, which sometimes happens), then what the hell am I doing there? I feel it's not the place for me, as I'm in constant anxiety, distress and depression because of it. I always keep thinking there's some heavenly haven (by that I mean centre or school etc.) for Aspies with people/staff who are caring and understanding, where there are no bullies, and you can always feel comfortable. A place like this could very well exist.

I feel I'm not coping at all with my school. I feel it's an incredibly harsh environment, and if I could list all the problems I have with it, I would, but it would take too long. Another thing though would be the physical punishment it is. My school is big, as in, very big. It has a lot of stairs too, and it just so happens my locker is up one of those stairs. But I have an IBS-like problem, and because of that I'm not eating well, and because of that I'm skinny, and because of that I'm weak, and because of that I get very tired, dizzy and out of breath going upstairs or even just walking with my heavy bag(s), and I'm often late for lessons because of it. Aaaand I have to walk lengths of the school all the time every day, be it because of transitions between lessons or doing jobs that need doing in certain places, it's really daunting.

I feel my school is just a punishing hell hole for someone like me, from all angles. What can I do? I don't feel I can live there much longer, and I feel it's completely unfair that I'd have to if it's in anxiety, pain, distress, etc. for the rest of my school years.

Those are years I'll NEVER get back, and if they're full of everyday bad experiences (which they are), it would be completely unfair and unjustified, and it would stay with me for life.

I really, REALLY hate my school (even though it's a grammar school, and is apparently one of the best in the country, pah, yeah right..) which is another thing, my parents (specifically my mum) are really annoyed that I don't appreciate how supposedly "good" my school is.

I just think my parents have got problems if they can't see through it, because it's honestly bullsh*t, and this is coming from personal experience (of an Aspie).


Just had to let my thoughts out in one big gush .

Oh yeah, and I also don't socialise with my family much, I don't like sitting having dinner with them, I'm always alone in my room on my laptop, I hate them (or anyone in fact) being near me (as in within about a half to 1 foot) or hugging me, I don't kiss my parents, I just feel like an outcast to everywhere I go that a "normal" person would go. The being near people thing is the same at school, and yeah I never have school dinners (can't even stand the idea), I always have a packed lunch in a secluded area where it's only me and a few friends.

This is why I don't feel like I belong in my current life. It's just not fitting me as an Aspie at all. And I don't know what to do to change it, since if I asked, I don't think anyone would be willing to (teachers, parents). My parents think that when I think about things like this, my behaviour is "extreme", and the not-going-near-family thing is "extreme" too. This just goes to show that even though they claim to "understand" me, they REALLY DON'T.

I am seeing psychiatrists (who DO understand me, thankfully), but ANNOYINGLY, it's only fortnightly visits, so all the 13/14 time in between is hell.


Can anyone relate to what I'm thinking and does anyone know what I should do?

 

[Loomis]

Your parents are wrong. How could you possibly like the school you are in? When my son was bullied and having a miserable time in his school we found a different school for him. We moved him as many times as needed until he was in a place where he was comfortable.

 

[SUM1]

Your parents are wrong. How could you possibly like the school you are in? When my son was bullied and having a miserable time in his school we found a different school for him. We moved him as many times as needed until he was in a place where he was comfortable.

I think I know why they don't want to move me. It's because my school's one of the "best schools in the country", and my parents believe this, and don't want to send me elsewhere. Anyway, I can agree with them, as all the schools in my local area are a LOT worse (I can't imagine worse than mine, but apparently they are).

So yeah, I'm sort of... stuck. Stuck in this hell hole. That's why I want my school to tackle the problem properly instead of have me moved elsewhere.

 

[Loomis]

When there were no schools where my son could go to without harassment we enrolled him in an online school and he did his schoolwork at home. My wife also homeschooled him, which is not uncommon in the United States. A third option is to get private tutoring.

 

[total-recoil]

Many people on the forum have been through a similar experience. Maybe for me it was even worse but I never had any hope of diagnosis when I was at school since aspergers never became known to the medical profession till the late eighties. I don't have time now to debate your situation but I believe it is possible for an aspie to go through college and even to be employed although we always experience challenging reactions to our status. Hopefully later I'll post you some ideas as to how I managed to find coping strategies later on in life so I could finally pass my exams and even hold down a basic job.

I often, VERY often, feel that since I can't act "normal", and everyone at, say, my school treats me as if I'm weird because of that, and I'm involved in bullying and stuff, then why am I there? If they can't adapt to me and just bully me for who I am, and if the teachers and lessons are environments in which I feel extremely uncomfortable in (like with germs, people being near me, the crowdedness, the anxiety of a sudden lash out of bad behaviour, which sometimes happens), then what the hell am I doing there? I feel it's not the place for me, as I'm in constant anxiety, distress and depression because of it. I always keep thinking there's some heavenly haven (by that I mean centre or school etc.) for Aspies with people/staff who are caring and understanding, where there are no bullies, and you can always feel comfortable. A place like this could very well exist.

I feel I'm not coping at all with my school. I feel it's an incredibly harsh environment, and if I could list all the problems I have with it, I would, but it would take too long. Another thing though would be the physical punishment it is. My school is big, as in, very big. It has a lot of stairs too, and it just so happens my locker is up one of those stairs. But I have an IBS-like problem, and because of that I'm not eating well, and because of that I'm skinny, and because of that I'm weak, and because of that I get very tired, dizzy and out of breath going upstairs or even just walking with my heavy bag(s), and I'm often late for lessons because of it. Aaaand I have to walk lengths of the school all the time every day, be it because of transitions between lessons or doing jobs that need doing in certain places, it's really daunting.

I feel my school is just a punishing hell hole for someone like me, from all angles. What can I do? I don't feel I can live there much longer, and I feel it's completely unfair that I'd have to if it's in anxiety, pain, distress, etc. for the rest of my school years.

Those are years I'll NEVER get back, and if they're full of everyday bad experiences (which they are), it would be completely unfair and unjustified, and it would stay with me for life.

I really, REALLY hate my school (even though it's a grammar school, and is apparently one of the best in the country, pah, yeah right..) which is another thing, my parents (specifically my mum) are really annoyed that I don't appreciate how supposedly "good" my school is.

I just think my parents have got problems if they can't see through it, because it's honestly bullsh*t, and this is coming from personal experience (of an Aspie).


Just had to let my thoughts out in one big gush .

Oh yeah, and I also don't socialise with my family much, I don't like sitting having dinner with them, I'm always alone in my room on my laptop, I hate them (or anyone in fact) being near me (as in within about a half to 1 foot) or hugging me, I don't kiss my parents, I just feel like an outcast to everywhere I go that a "normal" person would go. The being near people thing is the same at school, and yeah I never have school dinners (can't even stand the idea), I always have a packed lunch in a secluded area where it's only me and a few friends.

This is why I don't feel like I belong in my current life. It's just not fitting me as an Aspie at all. And I don't know what to do to change it, since if I asked, I don't think anyone would be willing to (teachers, parents). My parents think that when I think about things like this, my behaviour is "extreme", and the not-going-near-family thing is "extreme" too. This just goes to show that even though they claim to "understand" me, they REALLY DON'T.

I am seeing psychiatrists (who DO understand me, thankfully), but ANNOYINGLY, it's only fortnightly visits, so all the 13/14 time in between is hell.


Can anyone relate to what I'm thinking and does anyone know what I should do?

 

[SUM1]

God I have stupid parents. My Head of Year sent them a message saying my behaviour in school wasn't very good and that I "wasn't cooperating" with teachers, and my parents had a talk with me and told me, yes told me to stop my compulsions and Asperger behaviour. Who in their right mind would think you can MAGICALLY make me normal by simply TELLING me the right way? Are they mentally retarded or do they just not understand what phobias and Asperger's syndrome actually ARE, and that it needs therapy and is a long term process!? This infuriates me SO MUCH, and it isn't the first time they've believed they can make me act the way they want by telling me. It's lucky I'm seeing these psychiatrists.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

Well I think you have just indicated that this school is not actually one of the best schools in the country. There is simply no excuse in this day and age for the teachers to be so ignorant of AS. They are poor teachers, period. Your parents are also poor parents if they are not taking action against their child being bullied. That is their responsibility as parents. Have you asked your psychiatrists for assistance with this problem? Have you had a counselling session with your parents present where these issues are discussed? If not, I think you really need to do this.

 

[SUM1]

Well I think you have just indicated that this school is not actually one of the best schools in the country. There is simply no excuse in this day and age for the teachers to be so ignorant of AS. They are poor teachers, period. Your parents are also poor parents if they are not taking action against their child being bullied. That is their responsibility as parents. Have you asked your psychiatrists for assistance with this problem? Have you had a counselling session with your parents present where these issues are discussed? If not, I think you really need to do this.

Well that's the thing. Both my parents and my teachers have tried to do something about the bullying, but it hasn't worked, and in fact they're now both telling me the bullying that I'm reporting isn't really bullying, just minor things that aren't worth reporting, but from my point of view they are making me very anxious and intimidated. It annoys me that they don't see it the same way I do, then perhaps they'd reconsider their thoughts. But I do agree with your point about them being ignorant of AS. That's definitely true to an extent.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

These things are not minor if they are causing you distress. And the ignorance of AS is preventing your teachers and parents from recognising the bullying. How can your teachers explain respectful behaviour to the other students in any meaningful way if they are so ignorant of your condition? You have every right to say that you are not comfortable with it and that you expect it to stop. I suspect that either you need a school that specifically caters to students on the spectrum, or perhaps online or home schooling. Anxiety inhibits learning, so you need to learn in an environment where your anxiety levels are at their lowest.

 

[SUM1]

These things are not minor if they are causing you distress. And the ignorance of AS is preventing your teachers and parents from recognising the bullying. How can your teachers explain respectful behaviour to the other students in any meaningful way if they are so ignorant of your condition? You have every right to say that you are not comfortable with it and that you expect it to stop. I suspect that either you need a school that specifically caters to students on the spectrum, or perhaps online or home schooling. Anxiety inhibits learning, so you need to learn in an environment where your anxiety levels are at their lowest.

Well said, very well said. I may show that post to my parents. The students at my school are just so stubborn. Once they're warned and told off, and even after they're given sanctions, they'll find methods to bully again in ways that when explained to a teacher sound very silly or minor, for example (this may sound silly right now) when certain students say "Hello" to me and stare at me, doing this because they know I don't reply with hello back (because it's embarrassing because they say Hello loud so everyone around looks at me), and everyone else laughs. The teachers think this is minor and is not bullying, when actually it causes me humiliation and distress, and they do it on purpose and with bad intent, therefore it is bad and must be stopped. What the teachers are doing is just not working, the students will come back again and again with new methods. It's been going on for all the time I've been at my secondary school, which is now 3 years, and it puts me in constant anxiety. And as you said, how can they expect me to perform well and "cooperate" when I'm in a constant state of anxiety?



Oh! And do you know what? I just remembered this, my mum told me to stop carrying my coat into school or wearing it, because no one else does and it "attracts attention". Most. Stupid. Remark. Ever. Made. Isn't that exactly what the bullies force you into doing? They force you to be normal and be like everyone else so you don't get picked on for being weird. IT ISN'T ME WHO SHOULD CHANGE, IT'S THE DAMN BULLIES. HOW DARE my mum say something like that. I bring it in because of my "just in case" attitude, just in case I suddenly need it, for protection against wind or rain or even possibly blunt force, anyway that's not the point. I wear it because I do, and it's just a damn coat. Almost everyone has one. It's a normal piece of clothing, and yet I get picked on for having it. AND YET, my mum wants me to do what is essentially GIVING IN to the bullies - changing myself so they don't pick on me. Absolutely stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. It annoys me so much.

In my primary school I did used to wear my old "eskimo coat" as it was called during PE lessons, and the coat I have now is addressed by my mum as a "ski jacket". That's just absolutely ridiculous.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

So it sounds like the other students are now resorting to passive aggression because it is really difficult to identify. It makes it seem like it is all in your mind and they get away with their crap. Passive aggression is an even more gutless form of bullying than other overt types of bullying.

I have someone in my workplace who is an expert at passive aggression and bullying and it has been extremely difficult trying to get the managers to recognise it. But there is now a manager who has been on the receiving end of this person's bullying, and she isn't taking any nonsense.

I agree, you should not have to stop wearing your coat. Your choice of clothing is not harming anyone else. It is the bullies that need to change.

 

[SUM1]

So it sounds like the other students are now resorting to passive aggression because it is really difficult to identify. It makes it seem like it is all in your mind and they get away with their crap. Passive aggression is an even more gutless form of bullying than other overt types of bullying.

I have someone in my workplace who is an expert at passive aggression and bullying and it has been extremely difficult trying to get the managers to recognise it. But there is now a manager who has been on the receiving end of this person's bullying, and she isn't taking any nonsense.

I agree, you should not have to stop wearing your coat. Your choice of clothing is not harming anyone else. It is the bullies that need to change.

Thanks for agreeing with me. My mum just had a looooong argument with me and she got annoyed at how I don't see how what I do may be "wrong" in her eyes, when I don't see what the problem is, and she's overreacting. She was apparently shocked that I was about to email my head of year BECAUSE HE TOLD ME TO because my constant meetings with him were getting inconvenient for him which I can understand, but my mum went on about how he's a "busy man" and hasn't got time to read "pages" of my emails (because she was shocked at how long it was). I told her that's what he told me to do, then she just said that's because he doesn't like me constantly reporting people at his office. She says I'm "pushing my luck" with his support, which I don't get at all. She claims because she's "normal" that she thinks like my head of year. She is delusional. She is she. She is not my head of year, and she should stop acting like she knows exactly what he thinks. I act on exactly what my head of year said, no matter what my mum says. She thinks I'm "not understanding" something because of my Asperger's, but I'm the only one in this god damn house thinking logically. She damn well isn't.

 

[total-recoil]

I experienced such issues. I never knew why it was I eventually took up bodybuilding as my solution at one time was to develop myself to be bigger and stronger than everyone else. I became ever keener over lifting weights. To this day I sometimes think there are people who need to be stood up to although I tend to do it non violently.
I wish I could help you more apart from just saying please just be yourself and if others don't accept you, shrug it off. Hopefully you can still find friends. Also, try not to allow the situation to absorb you but find an outlet that will allow you to focus your mind away from the negativity around you. Maybe martial arts classes would help you to have an outlet for frustration and also give you confidence as well as make new friends.
P.S. I recently went through a period where I was being victimised by a gang who would shout abuse at me in the street. I even went to the police it became so bad so I know exactly how you feel. It happens to people with aspergers and sometimes to just about anyone who may be a little different.
Anyway wishing you luck and really hope you don't allow these people to drag you down.

Thanks for agreeing with me. My mum just had a looooong argument with me and she got annoyed at how I don't see how what I do may be "wrong" in her eyes, when I don't see what the problem is, and she's overreacting. She was apparently shocked that I was about to email my head of year BECAUSE HE TOLD ME TO because my constant meetings with him were getting inconvenient for him which I can understand, but my mum went on about how he's a "busy man" and hasn't got time to read "pages" of my emails (because she was shocked at how long it was). I told her that's what he told me to do, then she just said that's because he doesn't like me constantly reporting people at his office. She says I'm "pushing my luck" with his support, which I don't get at all. She claims because she's "normal" that she thinks like my head of year. She is delusional. She is she. She is not my head of year, and she should stop acting like she knows exactly what he thinks. I act on exactly what my head of year said, no matter what my mum says. She thinks I'm "not understanding" something because of my Asperger's, but I'm the only one in this god damn house thinking logically. She damn well isn't.

 

[SUM1]

I experienced such issues. I never knew why it was I eventually took up bodybuilding as my solution at one time was to develop myself to be bigger and stronger than everyone else. I became ever keener over lifting weights. To this day I sometimes think there are people who need to be stood up to although I tend to do it non violently.
I wish I could help you more apart from just saying please just be yourself and if others don't accept you, shrug it off. Hopefully you can still find friends. Also, try not to allow the situation to absorb you but find an outlet that will allow you to focus your mind away from the negativity around you. Maybe martial arts classes would help you to have an outlet for frustration and also give you confidence as well as make new friends.
P.S. I recently went through a period where I was being victimised by a gang who would shout abuse at me in the street. I even went to the police it became so bad so I know exactly how you feel. It happens to people with aspergers and sometimes to just about anyone who may be a little different.
Anyway wishing you luck and really hope you don't allow these people to drag you down.

I could never do the bodybuilding and weight lifting you do, my IBS condition prevents me. I get full too quickly and can't eat very much, so I'm skinny, therefore I'm weak, therefore it makes me dizzy and out of breath just putting a bag on or going upstairs, and even just standing up.

I could never do martial arts classes either. Firstly I wou'dnt like it anyway because martial arts isn't for me, for the reason explained above, but also because I'm not a fighting type of person. I'm not a "defend and stand strong" pesron, I'm more a "go away and be alone depressed" person. But also due to social anxiety, I won't know what the people are like, and I'd become very anxious being forced to be around new people. That's what's happened many times before in similar situations before in my life.

 

[Tarragon]

for example (this may sound silly right now) when certain students say "Hello" to me and stare at me, doing this because they know I don't reply with hello back (because it's embarrassing because they say Hello loud so everyone around looks at me), and everyone else laughs. The teachers think this is minor and is not bullying, when actually it causes me humiliation and distress, and they do it on purpose and with bad intent

Not silly at all. Not. not, not! Reading this has reminded me that kids used to do that to me all the time in school. Funny how we forget stuff....

Im 39, and asperegers "didn't exist" officially back then, so I think the situation you are in now is a better one. Only in terms of you are seeing someone to talk to, not in terms of the other kids who are being nasty to you. You aren't alone as you've found AC, so you can talk to people here who know where you're coming from.

A sense of belonging is a deep seated thing. I've never had it, but Aspie Central is a lifeline in a world of neurotypical people! I understand what you are wanting, and having parents who haven't a clue is an all too common occurrence I'm afraid! I hope you can talk to the psychologists and they can talk to your parents who need to learn what aspergers is. If they are in denial, then that will make it harder for you, so it's worth talking seriously to your psychologist.

As for school, I think all schools in the uk have a duty of care for their pupils, and you need to talk to the school and not take "no" for an answer! They will get into a lot of trouble if they don't acknowledge your condition properly and deal with it accordingly.

It's not fair on you that you have to do This yourself, but on the other hand - aspergers exists in the schools vocabulary now, so you matter!! Please don't think it's your fault, it's not.

If other kids are making fun at your expense, it IS bullying. If this was happening in an adult workplace, you could get your employer to discipline the other people at work - and if they didnt, you could take them to court! School is no different, except kids might not have learnt to behave better towards each other yet. Some of them never will, and I hope you can be strong enough to realise they are the idiots. The worlds full of them!!

 

[SUM1]

I hope you can talk to the psychologists and they can talk to your parents who need to learn what aspergers is. If they are in denial, then that will make it harder for you, so it's worth talking seriously to your psychologist.

They aren't in denial. They accept it, but they believe it isn't as hindering as it actually is. They don't see it as as big of a problem as it actually is. They think they know everything about it and that it's not as bad as it actually is. And my dad KEEPS comparing my Asperger traits to things that he used to do in his early life, but he doesn't understand you can't freaking compare that. He doesn't have the condition, and my problems are far worse than any of his "similar" past behaviours. He thinks I'm going through just what he did, and that it isn't as serious as it actually is.

God my parents annoy me.

Please don't think it's your fault, it's not.

I never did. In fact I think the opposite. I'm not one of those people who are always hard on themselves. I'm the opposite, and I don't know where you got that interpretation from.

 

[total-recoil]

Point taken, although I should point out some martial arts styles were developed by monks and were non aggressive and not requiring physical strength. There were soft and hard styles originating from the South or North of China. Also the teachers always stressed to avoid conflict and only to use defence as a last resort. Many of these arts embody a philosophical code, usually Zen Buddhism with teachings about our place in nature. Still, I do hope things improve for you and I understand how it feels to be in such a situation.

I could never do the bodybuilding and weight lifting you do, my IBS condition prevents me. I get full too quickly and can't eat very much, so I'm skinny, therefore I'm weak, therefore it makes me dizzy and out of breath just putting a bag on or going upstairs, and even just standing up.

I could never do martial arts classes either. Firstly I wou'dnt like it anyway because martial arts isn't for me, for the reason explained above, but also because I'm not a fighting type of person. I'm not a "defend and stand strong" pesron, I'm more a "go away and be alone depressed" person. But also due to social anxiety, I won't know what the people are like, and I'd become very anxious being forced to be around new people. That's what's happened many times before in similar situations before in my life.

 

[Arashi222]

It seems like your having a really hard time right now. I really hope that the doctors you are seeing can help with some of the symptoms, help with coping skills when things start to feel like they are getting out of hand. Total-Recall is right though. There are many forms of martial arts including something called tai chi that is a soft style that is all about energy and stresses not doing more than you can do. Its a great way to get limited excersie while building up your physical strength.

I know you are angry with your parents for not understanding. But look at it from their view your their child. You're having issues and they really are at a loss to help you so they try to manage as best they can and say things that maybe they shouldn't. (its not an excuse for their behavior) But talk to your doctors, bring your parents into the discussion. It might help to have a facilitator to help you talk to them about how bad you feel things are and how bad they see things.

 

[Tarragon]

They aren't in denial. They accept it, but they believe it isn't as hindering as it actually is. They don't see it as as big of a problem as it actually is. They think they know everything about it and that it's not as bad as it actually is. And my dad KEEPS comparing my Asperger traits to things that he used to do in his early life, but he doesn't understand you can't freaking compare that. He doesn't have the condition, and my problems are far worse than any of his "similar" past behaviours. He thinks I'm going through just what he did, and that it isn't as serious as it actually is.

God my parents annoy me.



I never did. In fact I think the opposite. I'm not one of those people who are always hard on themselves. I'm the opposite, and I don't know where you got that interpretation from.

Hmmm, I've just reread your post and seen that I have missed the "emotional content" and tone of what your saying (no surprises there!!)

Well, maybe you're the other end of this and feeling confrontational and angry, which I'm picking up from the "don't know where you for that interpretation from". I'm wondering how old you are, and whether hormones are clouding the issue somewhat

It does seek that you are very sure of yourself and frustrated/annoyed at your parents. I hope you can sort it out, and I'm sure there are people here on Aspie Central who you can talk to, even if I've missed the mark somewhat....