Where Do I Fit In

[Raggamuffin]

The office where work is getting rid of the one person that I related to. He's been off long term due to illness; so I understand their reasoning. It's tough; I don't have anyone I feel close to anymore. In previous jobs there was at least one person I grew fond of and masked less around. This helped me have a more enjoyable time in the office, which in turn helped break up the monotony of the job.

At this job; day in day out I witness conversations and jokes which I can't relate to. After a short time I feel angry or distressed, and so I wear my headphones throughout most of the day. Trudging through never ending and mundane work. I feel segregated, and its challenging. Each day I wake up feeling forlorn and end the day feeling exhausted, fed up and deflated.

Outside of work I have a couple of friends online who I speak to several times a week. There's this forum and a few Discord groups. I call my parents a few times each week but they tend to talk at me, rather than to me. After a call with my parents I tend to feel a lot worse.

They reel off updates of all their friends and family members and what they're accomplishing. When they ask if I have "any news" they often answer that question themselves by saying "I don't suppose you do" or "I can't imagine there's anything new with you."

I assumed things might be easier face to face, and I met them about 2 weeks ago. Again, they just talked at me nonstop and I barely got a word in. I tend to feel very anxious when I go back to my old house. Usually I have intense dizziness or other stress related symptoms. With sobriety I'm also a lot more self-aware of my stims, and I was extremely restless being sat in front of them. Masking constantly in front of my own parents feels like a sorry state of affairs.

I had been quite open with them a few weeks back about being on a waiting list ADHD and Autism assessment. The next time I called, they reeled off all the issues I'd brought up and began to trivialise them. It was difficult to hear - especially as I'm dying to open up to them more, and I think I ring them each time hoping I can let out even a snippet of what's going on in my head. At the same time, I know they can't relate and I don't want to be a burden.

So I let them relentlessly talk at me. I reply "yes" probably 50+ times in an hour phone call, whilst they talk and talk. Often I'm close to tears by the end of the call. I just feel so full inside, and there's no outlet that is working. The ironic thing is that my parents often say it's important in life to never be a "yes man." Yet they don't see that a "yes man" is all their son seems to be able to manage in conversations with his own parents.

Asides from my partner, my parents and my online activities I feel quite alone. A common theme throughout my life is close friends have moved abroad. Now those closest to me live furthest away. It's been years now since I had a close friend in real life, not just those who are online.

It's hard to know what to do, as I find socialising draining and usually feel put off by it. Whilst socialising I'm often very quiet and by the end of it, I long for peace and quiet. I need prolonged periods of time to myself, I suppose I always had people in workplaces who brightened up my day - but I haven't had that in 7 months now, and it shows. My mood has plummeted.

Whilst alone time is nice - I'm feeling increasingly lonely. I keep busy and do my best to keep my spirits up, but it's hard when you feel quite secluded. Of course, a lot of this is by choice. But at the same time, even when I am making an effort, I don't feel like I fit in. At best, the good times feel like a distraction from the predominantly somber mood that persists.

It doesn't really help that long term depression has gradually eroded enjoyment from most past times I have. So I keep on trying - but at this point I don't think there will be a miraculous change. Of course, assuming that probably doesn't help matters. A lot of stereotypical things you apparently shouldn't say to someone with depression are what I tell myself every single day. I beat myself up about being weak, incapable, weird and defective.

I guess I can be my own worst enemy at times. It's tricky with depression, I want to open up and yet I know when I do, it drags everyone else down with me. I'm utterly exhausted at this point. I don't think I'd ever give up, as I'm not brave enough to ever follow through with my darker contemplations.

It just feels selfish at this point to continue being sad.

Ed

 

[Els]

I can't really help because I feel my loneliness a chance; after years of struggling to socialize I stopped and it's enjoyable. Yet, I felt how you feel quiet often before, isolement started in my childhood. Although I don't think I can say something clever about this situation - I used to suffer from loneliness a lot as well, I just wanted to reply for support .

I have a comment though, it's about :
"They reel off updates of all their friends and family members and what they're accomplishing. When they ask if I have "any news" they often answer that question themselves by saying "I don't suppose you do" or "I can't imagine there's anything new with you.""
I think you must avoid comparing yourself to others in this area. I used to. See them being hyperactive compared to me, and was really suffering of "what is wrong with me that I don't have such interests and fascinating life and am not going forward". I don't care if my life fascinates others anymore. It fascinates me. Often, when I'm asked about my news, I reply that I read a book about X subject and I really liked it and a bit of blablabla, either it's because I'm really enthousiast about this new discovery and want to share, either it's just to see if the other person wants to reply and talk about this subject. Or I tell them about something I learned. It's something new for me and something new in my life that I've done that. Maybe it's not the "correct" answer but I try to give a potential subject of discussion, if the other one is interested normally it works. Yes, I didn't talk about MY news personally, but there was nothing to say, so I'm like, let's talk about something new that was actually interesting and exciting for me. I used to make too much monologues, now I cut and take care if there's a reception or not (only if I'm really enthousiast I struggle to cut myself); but honestly... I don't care anymore what people think of my boring life. I'm not bored personally. I'm interested and I do a lot of enjoyable stuffs on my own.
I don't know if this helps about the point you mentionned.

I went to the city center yesterday, saw old friends taking a beer. They were nice and I love them, but it's been a struggle to follow the group. So I don't anymore, it's been a while.
Well, when seeing them, I just thought, straight "I can't believe I lost so much time at the cafe trying to do that. So much time wasted".
It doesn't suit me. Too much investment recquiered for things that don't even feel agreeable. End of story. Moving on.

 

[menander]

Can you really lean into your partner and let them help your thoughts to go into a different direction? You are really lucky to have a partner. If you fit in with a few people who love you, who else do you need? The people at work probably do not matter to you any more than you matter to them. You matter to the people who matter to you.

 

[Els]

Honestly when I was feeling lonely even being in a relationship didn't change that. I could spend one full week talking EXCLUSIVELY to my ex because there was no one else. I remember one day I told him that while crying because feeling I didn't fit anywhere. He couldn't get it, he had a social life on his own........ which made me feel even more lonely. Even with a partner periods of loneliness can be difficult...

 

[Mia]

I feel segregated, and its challenging. Each day I wake up feeling forlorn and end the day feeling exhausted, fed up and deflated.

You are segregating yourself, it's intentional on your part. An 'otherness' that you should accept as being who you are. Realistically, you could join in and become part of the whole office culture, but you choose not to. You would have to mask much more, and likely be bored to death by the trials and tribulations and interests of others. You might feign interest, although it would be superficial, so it's probably much better to accept that you are not interested in the current people you work with. I think acceptance is the key here. I've worked in places where I had a friend or two, and other places where I knew no one.

They reel off updates of all their friends and family members and what they're accomplishing. When they ask if I have "any news" they often answer that question themselves by saying "I don't suppose you do" or "I can't imagine there's anything new with you."
I assumed things might be easier face to face, and I met them about 2 weeks ago. Again, they just talked at me nonstop and I barely got a word in. I tend to feel very anxious when I go back to my old house. Usually I have intense dizziness or other stress related symptoms.

It is slightly better one on one, each person at a time. Where you usually talk on a much more personal level. My parents used to say something similar, likely because I never related anything happening in my life to them. They were practical people, very much 'down to earth' in many ways. Yet your parents likely would listen if you chose to tell them things that are of concern to you. They might not understand depression, or autism or adhd, thinking that their own child couldn't possibly be anything but perfect, as it likely reflects something about them that they don't want to consider. The last few times I returned to my family home when my parents were there, I felt as if I'd returned to childhood, powerless and dependent.

It just feels selfish at this point to continue being sad.

There's nothing that's selfish about depression. It's not something that you can control and it comes and goes. Many people are subject to it, through no fault of our own.

 

[Rasputin]

The office where work is getting rid of the one person that I related to. He's been off long term due to illness; so I understand their reasoning. It's tough; I don't have anyone I feel close to anymore. In previous jobs there was at least one person I grew fond of and masked less around. This helped me have a more enjoyable time in the office, which in turn helped break up the monotony of the job.

At this job; day in day out I witness conversations and jokes which I can't relate to. After a short time I feel angry or distressed, and so I wear my headphones throughout most of the day. Trudging through never ending and mundane work. I feel segregated, and its challenging. Each day I wake up feeling forlorn and end the day feeling exhausted, fed up and deflated.

Outside of work I have a couple of friends online who I speak to several times a week. There's this forum and a few Discord groups. I call my parents a few times each week but they tend to talk at me, rather than to me. After a call with my parents I tend to feel a lot worse.

They reel off updates of all their friends and family members and what they're accomplishing. When they ask if I have "any news" they often answer that question themselves by saying "I don't suppose you do" or "I can't imagine there's anything new with you."

I assumed things might be easier face to face, and I met them about 2 weeks ago. Again, they just talked at me nonstop and I barely got a word in. I tend to feel very anxious when I go back to my old house. Usually I have intense dizziness or other stress related symptoms. With sobriety I'm also a lot more self-aware of my stims, and I was extremely restless being sat in front of them. Masking constantly in front of my own parents feels like a sorry state of affairs.

I had been quite open with them a few weeks back about being on a waiting list ADHD and Autism assessment. The next time I called, they reeled off all the issues I'd brought up and began to trivialise them. It was difficult to hear - especially as I'm dying to open up to them more, and I think I ring them each time hoping I can let out even a snippet of what's going on in my head. At the same time, I know they can't relate and I don't want to be a burden.

So I let them relentlessly talk at me. I reply "yes" probably 50+ times in an hour phone call, whilst they talk and talk. Often I'm close to tears by the end of the call. I just feel so full inside, and there's no outlet that is working. The ironic thing is that my parents often say it's important in life to never be a "yes man." Yet they don't see that a "yes man" is all their son seems to be able to manage in conversations with his own parents.

Asides from my partner, my parents and my online activities I feel quite alone. A common theme throughout my life is close friends have moved abroad. Now those closest to me live furthest away. It's been years now since I had a close friend in real life, not just those who are online.

It's hard to know what to do, as I find socialising draining and usually feel put off by it. Whilst socialising I'm often very quiet and by the end of it, I long for peace and quiet. I need prolonged periods of time to myself, I suppose I always had people in workplaces who brightened up my day - but I haven't had that in 7 months now, and it shows. My mood has plummeted.

Whilst alone time is nice - I'm feeling increasingly lonely. I keep busy and do my best to keep my spirits up, but it's hard when you feel quite secluded. Of course, a lot of this is by choice. But at the same time, even when I am making an effort, I don't feel like I fit in. At best, the good times feel like a distraction from the predominantly somber mood that persists.

It doesn't really help that long term depression has gradually eroded enjoyment from most past times I have. So I keep on trying - but at this point I don't think there will be a miraculous change. Of course, assuming that probably doesn't help matters. A lot of stereotypical things you apparently shouldn't say to someone with depression are what I tell myself every single day. I beat myself up about being weak, incapable, weird and defective.

I guess I can be my own worst enemy at times. It's tricky with depression, I want to open up and yet I know when I do, it drags everyone else down with me. I'm utterly exhausted at this point. I don't think I'd ever give up, as I'm not brave enough to ever follow through with my darker contemplations.

It just feels selfish at this point to continue being sad.

Ed

It sounds to me like they are mocking you. If it were me, I would stop trying to be sociable as you can not trust them.

I have a similar dynamic at work, except that everyone who worked in my area was downsized before Covid 19. I have a skill set that is not otherwise available in my area, and I do a good job. Outside of work hours, I do my own thing without giving a thought to work. As long as I provide the level of support desired at work, no one bothers me. I have 2-3 good friends that I talk with online, and one friend who is equally eccentric that I do things with. I just don't dwell on the negative, and don't have a lot of depression. Do other people think I am weird? Yeah they probably do, but I do not care. In the grand scheme of things, I could not care less what people think of me.

In my opinion, you have to control your thoughts.

 

[Major Tom]

You seem to fit right in here man. I'm sorry to hear your friend got sacked. I also know what it's like to not feel like your fitting in very well, as I live in a foreign county etc.etc.

Keep your chin up, but don't hit your head!

 

[Els]

Also, I don't know if that can help you but it's an observation I have on my own behaviour restrospectively - behaviour which didn't actually changed other than in appearance.
When I was a kid at school I felt this deep loneliness only in the playgroud. In class I was doing mostly okay, I was on my own, focusing on the exercises we were given, I wasn't interested all the time but I was very focused. All the other stuffs going on in the classroom... I have almost no memory about because I payed litterally no attention to that, I just remember it was too noisy. I can't remember many, many, many people I was in class with because really, I didn't relate. It wasn't a conscious action, that's just what I was doing and not doing spontaneously. Anyway. I was feeling mostly fine when I had something interesting or at least challenging to focus on. As soon as I was in the playground, it was a nightmare. I had no interesting thing to be doing. I remember I was counting all the parts of the pavement, playing with my shadow, walking in circles, trying to say hello to others, not relating to any of their concerns, leaving, circling again. Everyday. For many hours. I was under stimulated. I had no interest being there. I as seeing others doing stuffs I didn't understand the point at all. THAT made me feel lonely. I didn't feel lonely in the classroom because I had stuffs to do and that weren't all the time interesting but at least challenging or stimulating. I NEVER felt lonely at home during my childhood. I had activities - even repetitive - that I liked to be doing. It those moments, I didn't compare myself to others because they weren't there. I could play inside calm with my toys, my costumes, read the same book over and over, cuddle the cat. I was feeling really fine. I didn't feel lonely, at all, ever. It wasn't crossing my mind. I had no idea I was alone because I wasn't in situations in which alone/not alone was relevant or obvious. I was stimulated and invested in things I enjoyed and were MEANINGFUL to me. As soon as I was in the playground with all the movements, noise, no meaningful things to be doing, looking at others and seeing that there was obviously a huge difference, seeing myself being alone while they weren't, omg, there, I was feeling so lonely and depressed. Like a hamster in a cage with no toys and completely understimulated, AND in a stressful environment. There was just NOTHING I liked and that was meaningful in any way there. I just liked cards collections and there was a school supervisor who I guess had pity of me and was stopping to tell me tales and stories and give me figurines and things to see - that helped, but other than that, I was so isolated it was honestly creepy. Being understimulated about things that were interesting for me played a big role in feeling lonely. I don't know if it's caused by boredom but being unable to recognize boredom because of alexithymia and therefore going in circles without realizing "what is it that I actually need?". For me, being understimulated or too stimulated by things I'm not into (or which are disagreeable) is causing me to just... turn, and turn, and circle like a depressed hamster in a cage in the back of a noisy shop. Of course I get depressed and can't stop looking for this situation to stop.

I didn't change. I tried socializing but honestly it didn't change. I enjoy having meaningful relationships, I have some, hopefully. I need to be doing stuffs that are meaningful, pleasurable, and interesting to invest myself in for my mental health. Otherwise, I quickly feel as depressed and lonely than in my childhood. Also being in the middle of other people while not having anything you actually like to invest your focus and attention on really can increase the feeling of not fitting in and of loneliness because that's all you're seeing and you get completely cut from what's meaningful FOR YOU. So you're confronted to the gap there might be and..... it's a bad feeling, I honestly get that, isolation was really difficult for me as well.
I changed now that I realized my loneliness is a chance for me. It's a chance to lower my stress levels and a chance to be focused on what's meaningful and actually pleasurable for me.
Is there any possibility that you can make your work's environment a bit more friendly for you even if it's not related to sociality?

I don't know if that may help as well.

 

[Raggamuffin]

@Els - Thank you for the replies. I found the struggle with socialising felt a little easier as I got older, but I still avoid small talk and conversations that are of no relevance or interest to me. Isolation was a similar childhood experience for me. My parents did their own thing in their free time, and while my brother is on the spectrum too, he was very private - so I spent most of my time growing up on my own. As I went to school 15 miles from where I lived, I saw friends from school a couple of times a year on school holidays. So, I've been used to my own company - I think my best and worst moments are spent on my own.

I think the main issue around achievements with my parents is that they remain convinced that art isn't a career friendly subject. As such they approach any update, I might have in that regard with a lack of enthusiasm for the most part. When talking to my parents, even when I do get to share a bit about what is new or thoughts and feelings, it feels like my folks’ direct things back towards what they want to talk about rather promptly.

My partner is quite social, and she invites me to get togethers etc, but I usually say no. We often have events at our house and whilst I am in attendance, I tend not to be able to relate to all these people. My partner has worked at 2 places since we moved to town and she knows probably 40+ people. Whilst I know a few of her friends, no close bonds have been made. They seem nice enough, but nobody stands out as "my type."

The conversations every time they meet are the same - they always talk about work. I can't relate to people talking about working in a pub or a kitchen. It's nonstop. So, I sit in silence, listening, stimming - trying to appear like there's some level of interest in my expression. It's strange, that I tend to prefer a social situation at my house, and yet, this needs to be 1 to 1. Big groups tend to make me mute. Whilst I can contribute now and then, my version of small talk is to make a joke. There's also a somewhat unnerving feeling when people visit - the lack of privacy in my own home. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Also, we have an indoor cat we have to shut upstairs. I worry for her, and I suppose having a house full of people presents too many variables, which overwhelms my head.


@Meander "Can you really lean into your partner and let them help your thoughts to go into a different direction? You are really lucky to have a partner. If you fit in with a few people who love you, who else do you need?"

I know I have it better than a lot of people, which is another reason why depression feels selfish. I suppose the issue I have is that I can't relate to nearly everyone I meet, so I feel lonely. Whilst I have my partner, my other close friends are online. I've never met any of them - whilst online conversations have their merit, they are also lacking. My career isn't one I enjoy, so I'm around people who don't inspire me. Hopefully with trying to push more with my art, I could get to a point where I am around more creative types. They tend to be more on my level. Whereas at work I'm surrounded by people in similar positions - in jobs they have no passion for, and especially the older people - they're bitter and very verbal about it. All day long hearing a few toxic types venting all day long. It's not a nice atmosphere. The happiest people I see in these office jobs I worked is the owner - because they are their own boss and they're successful.


@Els - I find I'm open to a point with my partner, but there isn't the level of understanding I get compared to talking to people online. My partner obviously does care but can only relate to a certain point. Often her advice is blunt, or again - my problems are trivialised. Also, my predicament around depression, wanting a career in art but struggling to even get a sale - it's all things that I must work out for myself. Of course, people can offer advice, and support - but no amount of positive or good advice seems to get through to me at the best of times. Change must come from within and if I don't push myself to succeed, nobody can really pick me up and push for me.


@Mia - The problem I find with being myself in office jobs, is I get told off when I am true to myself. It's happened in every job. Supervisors, managers, even the director in my last job told me to stop being distracting, or loud, or unprofessional etc. I think they saw me enjoying myself, but being extremely hyperactive, playful and loud in the process. The assumption is of course - I'm not working, or I'm preventing others from working. And yet, in every job I've worked, the amount of work I produce is above and beyond anyone else on my team.

So, whilst I do crave to be myself more, I see how management reacts. I also witness how people react when they seem me stimming when I think I have a moment to myself. Things immediately feel awkward, or I see them laughing and it feels wrong. So, I keep on masking - and I hate it. So not only is the job off-putting, and the people - but how I have to mask all day just to get by as well. None of it is a good fit.

I do try and share more with my parents, but I know they are also worriers. When I've divulged aspects of depression and other issues, they seem to become overwhelmed. I don't want to drag them down with me. My last therapist and I dug deep into my upbringing. Realising that the only times I received hugs and comfort from my parents was when I was distressed emotionally. Other than that - they did their own thing all the time. Like what you said - very practical people. They also don't hold much stock in autism. They were outraged when a boy in my class who clearly was on the spectrum received a diagnosis. Since they have a habit of repeating the same stories time and again - they often would say "That's just ridiculous. He doesn't have Autism. Robert is just Robert."


@Rasputin - I find I do a good job, and also I go above and beyond. I notice even common courtesy and politeness is lacking in the office. People, including management ignoring social distancing, and even ignoring temperature checks before coming into work. People leave the kitchen in a mess, nobody refills the kettle, or they leave dregs of milk in a bottle. Nobody washes up after themselves or washes out bottles or recycles.

I find myself tidying up after so many people, digging stuff out of the bin to wash and recycle. Going the extra mile instinctively without the need for praise. Some people do tidy up - but then send scathing global office emails about what they just had to do for other people. Martyrs

Does your job satisfy you? Mine never have, and I think this is a big part of the problem. I feel stressed out, in a room full of people I can't relate to, and I end each day feeling mentally and physically worn out. So, I guess I get stuck in negative loops and that too is exhausting.

"In my opinion, you have to control your thoughts."

I do try, and when I notice myself going down the rabbit hole I try and keep busy, to feel productive and worthwhile. Still feels like it's plastering over cracks though. The issues remain and they're deep down and unsettling.


@Major Tom - Thank you for that. At times I feel like I fit in well, other times I read people's stories and articles and struggle to relate. But then I start turning that in on myself and blaming myself. I guess, like anything in life, I've dedicated that much time to negativity and depression - that I've become very skilled at it. Not exactly a skillset for a satisfying life.

"Keep your chin up, but don't hit your head!"

There's 1 door at work that catches me off guard, and it has sharp edges. It's the front door as well, and I seem to only hit it on my way out. Leaving the building I'm happy - so I walk tall; and then hurt myself. When I walk into the building, I'm not happy, so I instinctively slouch.


@Els - I found interest in lessons at school was based around the teacher. If they weren't engaging, then I wasn't listening. This was more apparent as I got older and depression was beginning. I found my patience for personalities I wasn't keen on was increasingly shorter. Case and point - in college history lessons we studied WW2. As grim and depressing as it is - I'm fascinated with this era of history. The teacher was a wearisome and I dropped out of history within a year.

I was lucky in that I formed close connections with a few people over the years at school. I went to the same, small private school for 11 years. I had to become accustomed to loss - as people would come and go. 3 of my best friends at that school left and moved abroad. The more people I lost, the more introvert I became. When puberty hit and depression began to take a foothold, I was at a point similar to my current job - I felt close to nobody and was extremely reclusive. It was also a challenge with bullying at school, and unfortunately 2 of the boys in my class were also long-term students at that school and tormented me throughout.

I agree, I must feel productive otherwise my mental health goes downhill. After a day in the office it's hard to muster any enthusiasm. I try, but creative projects don't feel like they can be forced. Whilst I enjoy drawing and digital art - if I force myself when I'm not in the mood, nothing ever comes of it. I'm back staffing regularly though, so it helps. I'm also gaming less in recent months - which helps too.

"Is there any possibility that you can make your work's environment a bit more friendly for you?"

Not sure, it depends more on the people. There's a fair few toxic people there who are vocal and bring down the atmosphere. But they're not reprimanded for it. So, I can't see anything coming of it. They're letting me use headphones, so that helps reduce stress and improve focus and productivity.

Ed

 

[Els]

Although I might be wrong I think it's easier to live from art now with internet (?). I'm trying my chances as well, still struggling with digital. Hope we'll both end up living from what we like.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I posted a lot in recent months on FB. No sales though. The figures were difficult: thousands of views, maybe 1 in 20 liked and maybe 1 in 1000 views on FB led to someone visiting my website.

No sales. So I'm trying the more traditional approach of trying galleries for exhibitions. I'm not a fan of most popular internet culture and trends. I know I could adapt to make myself more popular - but I don't want to change myself to cater to others. I do enough of that at work and it doesn't make me happy.

Ed

 

[Major Tom]

I posted a lot in recent months on FB. No sales though. The figures were difficult: thousands of views, maybe 1 in 20 liked and maybe 1 in 1000 views on FB led to someone visiting my website.

No sales. So I'm trying the more traditional approach of trying galleries for exhibitions. I'm not a fan of most popular internet culture and trends. I know I could adapt to make myself more popular - but I don't want to change myself to cater to others. I do enough of that at work and it doesn't make me happy.

Ed

If I weren't strapped for cash I'd surely buy some of your art. It is awesome. I'm following you there and love seeing all the creativity on multiple levels and formats. Camera, painting, drawings. You are very talented.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Thank you for that - it means a lot. I'm going to hit up art galleries next month. Get one of my 3 piece suits on, look good etc - then present my portfolio to as many places as possible. I need to get my foot in the door in more places so that I can get more recognition.

Ed

 

[Rasputin]

@Els - Thank you for the replies. I found the struggle with socialising felt a little easier as I got older, but I still avoid small talk and conversations that are of no relevance or interest to me. Isolation was a similar childhood experience for me. My parents did their own thing in their free time, and while my brother is on the spectrum too, he was very private - so I spent most of my time growing up on my own. As I went to school 15 miles from where I lived, I saw friends from school a couple of times a year on school holidays. So, I've been used to my own company - I think my best and worst moments are spent on my own.

I think the main issue around achievements with my parents is that they remain convinced that art isn't a career friendly subject. As such they approach any update, I might have in that regard with a lack of enthusiasm for the most part. When talking to my parents, even when I do get to share a bit about what is new or thoughts and feelings, it feels like my folks’ direct things back towards what they want to talk about rather promptly.

My partner is quite social, and she invites me to get togethers etc, but I usually say no. We often have events at our house and whilst I am in attendance, I tend not to be able to relate to all these people. My partner has worked at 2 places since we moved to town and she knows probably 40+ people. Whilst I know a few of her friends, no close bonds have been made. They seem nice enough, but nobody stands out as "my type."

The conversations every time they meet are the same - they always talk about work. I can't relate to people talking about working in a pub or a kitchen. It's nonstop. So, I sit in silence, listening, stimming - trying to appear like there's some level of interest in my expression. It's strange, that I tend to prefer a social situation at my house, and yet, this needs to be 1 to 1. Big groups tend to make me mute. Whilst I can contribute now and then, my version of small talk is to make a joke. There's also a somewhat unnerving feeling when people visit - the lack of privacy in my own home. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Also, we have an indoor cat we have to shut upstairs. I worry for her, and I suppose having a house full of people presents too many variables, which overwhelms my head.


@Meander "Can you really lean into your partner and let them help your thoughts to go into a different direction? You are really lucky to have a partner. If you fit in with a few people who love you, who else do you need?"

I know I have it better than a lot of people, which is another reason why depression feels selfish. I suppose the issue I have is that I can't relate to nearly everyone I meet, so I feel lonely. Whilst I have my partner, my other close friends are online. I've never met any of them - whilst online conversations have their merit, they are also lacking. My career isn't one I enjoy, so I'm around people who don't inspire me. Hopefully with trying to push more with my art, I could get to a point where I am around more creative types. They tend to be more on my level. Whereas at work I'm surrounded by people in similar positions - in jobs they have no passion for, and especially the older people - they're bitter and very verbal about it. All day long hearing a few toxic types venting all day long. It's not a nice atmosphere. The happiest people I see in these office jobs I worked is the owner - because they are their own boss and they're successful.


@Els - I find I'm open to a point with my partner, but there isn't the level of understanding I get compared to talking to people online. My partner obviously does care but can only relate to a certain point. Often her advice is blunt, or again - my problems are trivialised. Also, my predicament around depression, wanting a career in art but struggling to even get a sale - it's all things that I must work out for myself. Of course, people can offer advice, and support - but no amount of positive or good advice seems to get through to me at the best of times. Change must come from within and if I don't push myself to succeed, nobody can really pick me up and push for me.


@Mia - The problem I find with being myself in office jobs, is I get told off when I am true to myself. It's happened in every job. Supervisors, managers, even the director in my last job told me to stop being distracting, or loud, or unprofessional etc. I think they saw me enjoying myself, but being extremely hyperactive, playful and loud in the process. The assumption is of course - I'm not working, or I'm preventing others from working. And yet, in every job I've worked, the amount of work I produce is above and beyond anyone else on my team.

So, whilst I do crave to be myself more, I see how management reacts. I also witness how people react when they seem me stimming when I think I have a moment to myself. Things immediately feel awkward, or I see them laughing and it feels wrong. So, I keep on masking - and I hate it. So not only is the job off-putting, and the people - but how I have to mask all day just to get by as well. None of it is a good fit.

I do try and share more with my parents, but I know they are also worriers. When I've divulged aspects of depression and other issues, they seem to become overwhelmed. I don't want to drag them down with me. My last therapist and I dug deep into my upbringing. Realising that the only times I received hugs and comfort from my parents was when I was distressed emotionally. Other than that - they did their own thing all the time. Like what you said - very practical people. They also don't hold much stock in autism. They were outraged when a boy in my class who clearly was on the spectrum received a diagnosis. Since they have a habit of repeating the same stories time and again - they often would say "That's just ridiculous. He doesn't have Autism. Robert is just Robert."


@Rasputin - I find I do a good job, and also I go above and beyond. I notice even common courtesy and politeness is lacking in the office. People, including management ignoring social distancing, and even ignoring temperature checks before coming into work. People leave the kitchen in a mess, nobody refills the kettle, or they leave dregs of milk in a bottle. Nobody washes up after themselves or washes out bottles or recycles.

I find myself tidying up after so many people, digging stuff out of the bin to wash and recycle. Going the extra mile instinctively without the need for praise. Some people do tidy up - but then send scathing global office emails about what they just had to do for other people. Martyrs

Does your job satisfy you? Mine never have, and I think this is a big part of the problem. I feel stressed out, in a room full of people I can't relate to, and I end each day feeling mentally and physically worn out. So, I guess I get stuck in negative loops and that too is exhausting.

"In my opinion, you have to control your thoughts."

I do try, and when I notice myself going down the rabbit hole I try and keep busy, to feel productive and worthwhile. Still feels like it's plastering over cracks though. The issues remain and they're deep down and unsettling.

Ed

During most of my career, I was not satisfied by my work. And I let that cause negative thinking and depression consume me emotionally. In my last job which I held almost seven years, a toxic work environment led to my having a melt down on the job. As if that were not bad enough, I was formally disciplined by HR for "contributing to a hostile work environment". The two instigators filed false grievances, which were not even investigated by HR. That was the low point in my career, seven years ago.

I left that job and accepted a job offer that was less than I was hoping for. I have never been able to rise above the analyst level no matter how exceptional my job performance, so I have accepted that this is just the best I can do. However, I also realize that past age 60 I am lucky to have a job at all. So I have focused on doing the best job I can and not worrying about fitting in socially with people I work with. I have not allowed negative thoughts to affect my mood as they have in the past. So part of the solution, I feel is accepting yourself as you are and not caring about acceptance from others.

I have been where you are at, so I do understand where you are coming from. My earlier comments were with respect to changes I have made. Hopefully my sharing my experience is helpful in coping with your issues.