Where do we go from here....

[Ocarina]

I'm AS female (late diagnosed), mid 40s with children, a stable professional job, a full and satisfying life in many ways. I've been in a relationship for the past 5 years with and AS man - he's not the father of my children - we met after I divorced.

Married life with lots of tiny children was too much for me, I shoehorned myself into what I thought a good wife should be and eventually I completely burnt out. Nowadays I have the children 4 days a week and every other weekend which gives me some space, I have a good relationship with my ex and have made a life that works for me in many ways: I'm a scientist (medical professional) part time, an artist the rest of the time and squeeze in my passions for surfing and running somewhere around the edges.

My AS partner is in many ways perfect for me - we give each other plenty of room to breath, he's gentle, doesn't like conflict (neither of us do) and we've both grown alot in this relationship. I have struggled all along because I don't feel that I'm a priority to him - he pretty much does his own thing, asks to see me at the last minute, works obsessively, he's never told me he loves me and I have felt a constant tiny trip of "neglect" (his word not mine" right from the word go. We split up last year for this reason and then ended up back together after 6 months, with him vowing to do better - and for a little while things were different but it slipped back and despite my asking for him to text/ contact every few days, make plans in advance so i can plan my life, there was no change.

He has been under some stress recently - with his daughter (from a "fling" 12 years ago) unhappy and her mother seeking maintenance money etc. He didn't discuss this but instead became more and more distant over a period of months - fast forward to mid January. We went away together - as a birthday holiday, he spent the entire 5 days working on his laptop - usually in the supermarket carpark because where we were staying had no wifi. I finally found myself sitting with him in an amazing restaurant feeling sad - and trying as always to cheer him up. In the midst of this, I have had traumas with a drug taking teenage son, another (ASD) son at University having panic attacks, a change of job and an imminent house move. He hadn't asked about me - or how I was etc for at least 6 months and to be honest I've been feeling more and more unhappy. I've tried asking for more time together (only a weekday meet for a walk or something) but zilch..... Life is 1000% all about him and his needs and there just doesn't seem to be any room for me here.

I know lots of this is ASD related - I also know that I am not needy or unreasonable.

I ended up telling him pretty much exactly what I wrote above - that I felt there was no room for me in the relationship, that he had no time for anyone except himself and that I didn't know what to do. His answer was "I want whatever you want".

So - is this time to give up? I've shouldered this one alone for a while and have reached the end of the line and feel like either he takes some of the slack or we're done. Am I being unreasonable?

I know he still wants to see me.

I blame myself to some extent for allowing the resentment to build - but any conflict of any sort sends him running to the hills and communicating even less, so I've learnt - to my detriment, to bury all my needs and soldier on as though everything is fine.

 

[FreeDiver]

I just simply avoid relationships altogether. ASD and relationships are a recipe for disaster, although some can make it work, it's rare to see.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Ill reply to this even though i know its a difficult situation and theres a good chance i cant help.
want whatever you want sounds like something I might have said.
For me :
There's a good chance he doesn't understand. Personally,when my wife gets annoyed with me, it does filter through - but I do tend to forget.

So she has a hard time getting through and if she hurts me I shut down .
I end up writing her emails to try and convey how I feel.

It seems he does change for a while then forgets again. Like me but I hope I'm improving

Thought of counselling but a normal counsellor may not work. These guys below sort of offer advice.

https://www.aspergerexperts.com/plus/

There is also the issue of you planning things round him a little too much, which you may not want to continue in a new relationship.

So,maybe like in an aeroplane you need to put on you own oxygen mask first.

Other people may have other ideas.

Maybe plan things to do to tell him and if he asks for your time at the last minute have other plans, will it have an affect though?
It just might be too much of an effort to get through but to give him a chance do you need to do anything different first?

Sorry if I'm no help, I try to keep to the light and ridiculous stuff.

 

[Ocarina]

Ill reply to this even though i know its a difficult situation and theres a good chance i cant help.
want whatever you want sounds like something I might have said.
For me :
There's a good chance he doesn't understand. Personally,when my wife gets annoyed with me, it does filter through - but I do tend to forget.

So she has a hard time getting through and if she hurts me I shut down .
I end up writing her emails to try and convey how I feel.

It seems he does change for a while then forgets again. Like me but I hope I'm improving

Thought of counselling but a normal counsellor may not work. These guys below sort of offer advice.

AE+ — Asperger Experts

There is also the issue of you planning things round him a little too much, which you may not want to continue in a new relationship.

So,maybe like in an aeroplane you need to put on you own oxygen mask first.

Other people may have other ideas.

Maybe plan things to do to tell him and if he asks for your time at the last minute have other plans, will it have an affect though?
It just might be too much of an effort to get through but to give him a chance do you need to do anything different first?

Sorry if I'm no help, I try to keep to the light and ridiculous stuff.

Thank you - it absolutely is a help and I know that you're right that if things are to change I need to do things differently. I've neglected myself a bit recently (just life to be honest - lots of change, not enough time to recharge) and that affects my own ability to give. At the moment I've asked him to sort out his own issues first otherwise I feel as though I'm looking after yet another child.

I have suggested counselling in the past - but his answer was "I can't see how that would help" so I left it at that - however might be worth another last ditch suggestion. Part of the problem is that the whole thing suits him perfectly - I'm easy to be around, he finds me interesting and attractive and what more could he ask for? All his other relationships (before diagnosis) were typically brief and ended by the woman who felt neglected. He thought all women were mad and demanding.

I appreciate your posting.

 

[Ocarina]

I just simply avoid relationships altogether. ASD and relationships are a recipe for disaster, although some can make it work, it's rare to see.

Sometimes I feel this way too - easier not to even go there, although if two people love each other, how can it be that difficult? (That's what I used to think anyway).

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Part of the problem is not being able to see things from another's perspective.
One can have the illusion that they are good at it - like me - then I realised that I wasn't in the slightest.

Phrase it all as your problem and ask for his help maybe - maybe that may get him through the door.
'Can you help?'
It's something I going to try doing in my own life as I do need small amounts of help in lots of different ways, like everybody I guess.

If he's like me though, he'll probably be able to naturally wind up the counsellor!

 

[Ocarina]

Part of the problem is not being able to see things from another's perspective.
One can have the illusion that they are good at it - like me - then I realised that I wasn't in the slightest.

Phrase it all as your problem and ask for his help maybe - maybe that may get him through the door.
'Can you help?'
It's something I going to try doing in my own life as I do need small amounts of help in lots of different ways, like everybody I guess.

If he's like me though, he'll probably be able to naturally wind up the counsellor!

Yes - it's almost funny - he thinks his perspective is reality.... and that he's really really good at it since his own views are so firmly held.

There is someone reasonably local and very experienced in ASD who offers counselling - I can remember reading some Tony Attwood relationship advice that listed things that were needed to make ASD relationships work:

Mutual commitment to give it a go
A diagnosis
Outside support - counsellor or whatever

I can't manage it all on my own any more, since I end up feeling either like the bad guy in the face of his extreme passivity, or just completely ignoring what I need.

 

[OkRad]

When you said that he runs from confrontation. I find that when I dated an Aspie once. Even the words, "Can I ask you a question?" had him so nervous he would often meltdown and yell.

I kinda feel like Freediver now. It is so hard and I am so sensitive. I find it unfathomable that I could ever be loved. I was in a relationship with an NT once and it was good but he beat me up a lot because of my autism . He got so mad at it!!! Still, I am sad to say that was the best relationship I ever had. He was so dedicated and kind when he was not crackikng my head on the sidewalk. But he did take a lot.

He was NOT just hte bad guy because he dealt with the autism for a long time and I have to hand it to him. It was noble because at the time, neither knew I had it. He is married with kids, so he is not a bad man.

 

[Ocarina]

Thanks OKRad - it's so good to hear the other sides of these stories. When you're with someone who's so downright frustrating at times, it's hard to remember that he's not doing it on purpose. Conversely I know that I have been hideously complex to be in a relationship with in the past - I also know that I've usually put all my needs on the back burner just to fit in and keep things going and I really don't want to do that again. Not sure if that's an AS trait or if it's just me....

Relationships in their very nature bring expectation - and although I try my hardest not to create that vibe, it simply seems to come with the territory.

I'd love it most of all if my AS partner would consider seeing a counsellor - at least then we'd have a neutral body in all of this as a guide. I know I tend to feel I'm pretty detached and aware but as with all of us, I'm now beginning to suspect I'm not as good as seeing from another's perspective as I once thought!