Which parent should attend assessment for child?

[doragirl]

My son has two assessment appointments coming up very soon. I told my husband about them and he is convinced that our four year old son will perform better at the assessments if I am not there, which I do not agree with.

My husband, while a good father, is not involved with my son's daily needs as I am. I look after everything my son needs including getting him ready for the day, all meals, to and from school and all health/therapy appointments. My husband has never taken my son to school, been to his speech therapy or assisted with his occupational therapy. My husband has not participated in the scheduling of any appointments/assessments, nor completed any of the mountains of paperwork that I have had to do to get my son the support he needs. I am intimately familiar with his challenges and progress since birth.

I am trying not to take this personal and o stay objective on what would really benefit my son in the assessment, but I can admit that my husband's suggestion that I do not attend has be rattled and very upset. I don't believe that my son would do better without me there. He does very well at his therapy appointments with me there (at least three times per week). I think because my son is so close to me and I understand his needs better than anyone, he feels safe with me to fully express himself at times. Sometimes he will be frustrated or upset, but this is rare and I can help him manage it quickly. Honestly, this does not happen often, but maybe that is all my husband is thinking about.

My son is tightly bonded to me. He does love his dad and is good with him, but my son is always asking for me.

I think my husband is scared of getting a diagnosis and I am worried he will blame me if I am in attendance at the assessments. I know that is absolutely ridiculous, but I am not going to be able to rationalize that to him.

I guess I am just hoping for some reassurance (or even suggestion that I should be absent from the assessment) as it seems this is going to be a hill to die on between my husband and I... I am feeling very torn but want to do the best for my son.

Please help.

 

[Outdated]

I have no idea about what's involved with assessment of a child but your post reminded me of my childhood family doctor. I was only about 8 years old when he asked me to go home and then come back without my mother because every time he asked me a question she'd butt in and answer for me.

 

[doragirl]

Yikes, that was a bit of a gut punch. I don't answer for my son when he is asked questions.

My son is severely speech delayed, suspected apraxia of speech. My husband knows nothing about his speech diagnosis. Sometimes I have to interpret for my son. My husband can't do that.

The first assessment from what I understand is similar to the ADOS (play based, done by SLP). I am very familiar with SLP therapy and how to be present but not involved/leading/guiding the session. I clarified with the assessor what the expectations are of me as a parent in the room. We have been waiting over two years for this. I need to make sure my son has the best chance.

I guess it is just so hard for me too because my husband has shown zero interest in any of my son's health issues, or even when I was pregnant with our son and now he says he needs to take over. To me it seems like he needs to be in control because he needs to influence the outcome. He thinks I will negatively influence the outcome.

 

[1ForAll]

The caregiver that knows your child the best in terms of needs, abilities, behaviors and limitations should be the one going to the assessment with the child, and the one that assists the child most with everyday things. The evaluator may have specific questions for that parent that only that parent may know details on, and that parent can relay things the child does or does not do, or has difficulties with, that concerns you. So, in my opinion, if you want the most likely accurate and complete assessment you should go, in absence of any more compelling information that would support the father going. In my case, I, as our two sons' father, go to all medical appointments, because of the mentioned above, and as I am very calm and controlled under stress and can my point out things and replies with relevance and easily.

 

[Duna]

Why don't the 2 of you go together?

 

[doragirl]

Why don't the 2 of you go together?

I suggested that but was told by my husband that I would make things worse if I was there and that it was not in our son's best interest. He said "I knew you couldn't step aside...that's horrible." He says it is not about me. He doesn't want me to be there.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

My son has two assessment appointments coming up very soon. I told my husband about them and he is convinced that our four year old son will perform better at the assessments if I am not there, which I do not agree with.

My husband, while a good father, is not involved with my son's daily needs as I am. I look after everything my son needs including getting him ready for the day, all meals, to and from school and all health/therapy appointments. My husband has never taken my son to school, been to his speech therapy or assisted with his occupational therapy. My husband has not participated in the scheduling of any appointments/assessments, nor completed any of the mountains of paperwork that I have had to do to get my son the support he needs. I am intimately familiar with his challenges and progress since birth.

I am trying not to take this personal and o stay objective on what would really benefit my son in the assessment, but I can admit that my husband's suggestion that I do not attend has be rattled and very upset. I don't believe that my son would do better without me there. He does very well at his therapy appointments with me there (at least three times per week). I think because my son is so close to me and I understand his needs better than anyone, he feels safe with me to fully express himself at times. Sometimes he will be frustrated or upset, but this is rare and I can help him manage it quickly. Honestly, this does not happen often, but maybe that is all my husband is thinking about.

My son is tightly bonded to me. He does love his dad and is good with him, but my son is always asking for me.

I think my husband is scared of getting a diagnosis and I am worried he will blame me if I am in attendance at the assessments. I know that is absolutely ridiculous, but I am not going to be able to rationalize that to him.

I guess I am just hoping for some reassurance (or even suggestion that I should be absent from the assessment) as it seems this is going to be a hill to die on between my husband and I... I am feeling very torn but want to do the best for my son.

Please help.

The main problem I see is not "should I go with my child to the evaluation or not?", but rather "how can I get my husband to listen to me?". In this specific instance, I would send an abridged version of your message to the assessor and ask him for a response you can then show your husband. This serves two purposes.​

1. Your husband doesn't seem to listen to you, but he might listen to someone else, especially if they are some sort of doctor
2. It creates an expectation ahead of time that you'll do as is suggested, since arguing or doing otherwise would be a faux pas. This "resolves the argument" in either direction so at least you don't need to worry or argue about it for longer. The assessor would be a "referee" of sort, even if they don't know it.

Most of the commenters here ultimately won't know exactly how assessment is done in your region, nor do we know the specifics of the family circumstance (besides what you present) and so can't tell you what's the right choice, the same way the assessor can. Even if they would, I don't see why that would change your husband's mind. However, I really do think that the communication issue between you and your husband should be resolved, even if some painful conversations need to take place. Task imbalance and frustration setting in will not only affect you (and thus the care you/your husband can give your child) but also the child itself. This is not meant as criticism, it's just something I observe. I wish you and your family all the best.​

 

[doragirl]

The main problem I see is not "should I go with my child to the evaluation or not?", but rather "how can I get my husband to listen to me?". In this specific instance, I would send an abridged version of your message to the assessor and ask him for a response you can then show your husband. This serves two purposes.​

1. Your husband doesn't seem to listen to you, but he might listen to someone else, especially if they are some sort of doctor
2. It creates an expectation ahead of time that you'll do as is suggested, since arguing or doing otherwise would be a faux pas. This "resolves the argument" in either direction so at least you don't need to worry or argue about it for longer. The assessor would be a "referee" of sort, even if they don't know it.

Most of the commenters here ultimately won't know exactly how assessment is done in your region, nor do we know the specifics of the family circumstance (besides what you present) and so can't tell you what's the right choice, the same way the assessor can. Even if they would, I don't see why that would change your husband's mind. However, I really do think that the communication issue between you and your husband should be resolved, even if some painful conversations need to take place. Task imbalance and frustration setting in will not only affect you (and thus the care you/your husband can give your child) but also the child itself. This is not meant as criticism, it's just something I observe. I wish you and your family all the best.​

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. You are right. My husband doesn't listen to me. When I replied simply with "I don't agree" to his suggestion of me not attending, he got very angry with me and told me I was being selfish. I'll spare you the details but I am feeling really alone due to his behaviour and stonewalling.

I did email the assessor to ask if there was a preference as to which parent should attend. He said simply "no, no preference." so that doesn't really help me much. I thought I had seen something in the information that spoke to the parent who is the primary carer attending, but seems I have made that up in my mind as I can't seem to find it anyway.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I did email the assessor to ask if there was a preference as to which parent should attend. He said simply "no, no preference." so that doesn't really help me much.

Well, did you give him any further information? If not, he probably just thought that it doesn't matter whether the mother or father comes with the child and assumed you both take as active on a part in raising him. That's why I suggested sending an abridged version of what you wrote here (maybe talk less about your frustrations, but make it clear that you are much more involved with your son than your husband).

I am sorry to hear about the frustrations you are dealing with in regards to your husband. The only advice I can really give is to take it seriously, don't allow him to dismiss you/talk over you and talk about your frustrations with someone else (maybe a friend?) so you aren't carrying it by your lonesome and can get a different perspective. Just know that I support your right to speak your mind, as I can't stand it when people are dismissed or ignored. I suspect that if the communication issue is resolved, it will also lead to improvements in other parts of the relationship like task allocation and caring for your son.

 

[Rodafina]

Hi @doragirl,

Just based on what you’ve shared here, I totally agree with the above posts that this is really a problem between you and your husband, and the lack of respect that he is showing you as your child’s mother.

What does it mean to perform well in an assessment? If I am understanding correctly, an assessment is a time for a professional to evaluate your son’s authentic behavior and determine what it means and what can be done to help. It is not something where you can perform well or badly - your child is meant to be given tasks, and hopefully he will react in ways that are typical for him so that the assessment can be authentic.

Let me highlight a few things that seem a bit concerning here. And remember that any friction or tension between you and your husband will absolutely trickle down toward your son, and anyone with processing issues, like me, can have a hard time interpreting what all this means.

I told my husband about them and he is convinced that our four year old son will perform better at the assessments if I am not there

Again, “perform better“ doesn’t make a lot of sense here for an assessment. He is not really performing. He should just be his authentic self with all of his problems on display.

I think my husband is scared of getting a diagnosis and I am worried he will blame me if I am in attendance at the assessments.

It’s great that you noticed this and articulate it, though definitely an unfortunate position for your husband. Fear of a diagnosis will not really help your son - and there is no room for blame when it comes to autism or other health issues that need assessment. This is not a time for blaming. This is a time for understanding.

To me it seems like he needs to be in control because he needs to influence the outcome. He thinks I will negatively influence the outcome.

The outcome should be an honest assessment of how your son behaves and what can be done to help your family. There should be no influence on the assessment outside of the process between your child and the assessor and whatever happens in that room.

He said "I knew you couldn't step aside...that's horrible." He says it is not about me. He doesn't want me to be there.

In my head, this is a huge red flag for someone who is acting immature and putting his needs and desires and fears before that of his family. This should not be about you and your husband and whatever issues you have. He needs to set aside whatever feelings are causing this odd and hurtful behavior and focus on what is really best for your son. it is about all of you. You are a family and you’re taking care of your son together.

You are right. My husband doesn't listen to me.

he got very angry with me and told me I was being selfish

All right, I know I won’t be entirely objective here because I do only have your side of the story, but it sounds like your husband is acting weak and insecure and stonewalling is a sign of these things. Based on what you have shared, he is not treating you well, and I can only wonder how he treats your son.

I think Outdated’s point is right and it is very important for parents of children to be able to step back and not answer for them and let an assessment play out as it should. Nevertheless, this sounds like a case where you could choose to stand up for yourself and your son here. If you can, be assertive and insist that you are there for the assessment. Think about what will happen if you are not there and all the wonder that you will have. You will never be able to trust the assessment if you have to only rely on your husband’s perspective here.

The counselor that you emailed had no idea of this history and so their answer does not really apply. You should be with your son, although your husband should probably be there too.

 

[Au Naturel]

My son has two assessment appointments coming up very soon. I told my husband about them and he is convinced that our four year old son will perform better at the assessments if I am not there, which I do not agree with.

My husband, while a good father, is not involved with my son's daily needs as I am. I look after everything my son needs including getting him ready for the day, all meals, to and from school and all health/therapy appointments. My husband has never taken my son to school, been to his speech therapy or assisted with his occupational therapy. My husband has not participated in the scheduling of any appointments/assessments, nor completed any of the mountains of paperwork that I have had to do to get my son the support he needs. I am intimately familiar with his challenges and progress since birth.

I am trying not to take this personal and o stay objective on what would really benefit my son in the assessment, but I can admit that my husband's suggestion that I do not attend has be rattled and very upset. I don't believe that my son would do better without me there. He does very well at his therapy appointments with me there (at least three times per week). I think because my son is so close to me and I understand his needs better than anyone, he feels safe with me to fully express himself at times. Sometimes he will be frustrated or upset, but this is rare and I can help him manage it quickly. Honestly, this does not happen often, but maybe that is all my husband is thinking about.

My son is tightly bonded to me. He does love his dad and is good with him, but my son is always asking for me.

I think my husband is scared of getting a diagnosis and I am worried he will blame me if I am in attendance at the assessments. I know that is absolutely ridiculous, but I am not going to be able to rationalize that to him.

I guess I am just hoping for some reassurance (or even suggestion that I should be absent from the assessment) as it seems this is going to be a hill to die on between my husband and I... I am feeling very torn but want to do the best for my son.

Please help.

Why is he supposed to perform "better?" For a proper assessment, he needs to perform exactly as he is.

Though I am not sure how there would be a difference. A proper assessment should not be dependent on which parent brought him.

 

[doragirl]

Thank you so much for all of the love in this thread. There are some really good points here that have validated a lot of what I am feeling. Thank you for that.

Several folks pointed out that the performance or lack thereof on the assessment was silly. I agree, though I don't think my husband will understand that point. He actually has no idea what the assessment is like. He never asked.

Yes, clearly, my husband and I do not communicate well. I will be trying to work on this.

Again, thank you for the support. It has made a very hard time for me a little softer with the kindness of strangers.

 

[1ForAll]

Why is he supposed to perform "better?" For a proper assessment, he needs to perform exactly as he is.

Though I am not sure how there would be a difference. A proper assessment should not be dependent on which parent brought him.

I disagree about the last statement though. More complete assessments are not just based on observations and testing, but caregiver input. A doctor will only be able to evaluate in that setting, and they do not know the child as well as that very vigilant parent, in terms of what their child does, does not do, does more or less of, does in different ways, does at different pace, initiates or fails to complete, etc. Also, not always will all traits and behaviors show up or as much in that one setting, and in such a limited time, if that child is acting differently or not himself there because of some factor. The doctor will not know how the child may act in different locations or under different stressors, unless the parent gives their insights and knowledge there.

Thus, asking the main caregiver who knows the child and their issues well is important, not only in the medical setting, as many doctors that saw our children seemed clueless what certain actions, behaviors, non-verbal communication and utterances our children did meant, partly likely because they did not have much context surrounding that and enough experiences observing that child there. Thus, parental input of child actions, inactions, limitations, behaviors and anxieties at different locations too is needed, to be more complete and to make sense of some things happening or not happening at the medical office. Otherwise, the doctor I would see as less than thorough, making assumptions perhaps prematurely.

We cannot thus overlook a main component to the examination-which is parental input from the most knowledgeable parent who knows the child, given before, at that exam time, or right after the exam before report is filed. For instance, if that more aware or more knowledgeable parent knows the child acts more upset for new persons and places, refusing more to cooperate then for the testing, or acts more upset at certain touch, sound, lighting, etc--different than that which was present at the medical setting, this could give that examiner needed extra information, to know how to verify things more that parent said or to not make that doctor too hasty in his medical opinions. The difference between involving the right parent or not, including with the right testing and person doing the analysis, could mean the difference between the child given a diagnosis, much less being given the right diagnosis or not

As well, I recommend the parent create a video of any child signs and symptoms that may not otherwise show up at the examination, like spinning things, tip toe walking, any odd movements or mannerisms, very picky eating, any shown atypical or obsessive interests, repetitive action, or doing things in orderly, detailed or unique ways, to name a few. Assume all doctors do not know your child or much about Autism, in terms of how their limitations, behaviors, core components show up for them, as each child will be different there, and as masking can occur, too. It thus is important for the doctor to know the child's baseline personality and behaviors in all settings, and not just how they act under duress or when sensory issues are present. And they'd need to know about childhood delays, which milestones were and were not met too. Parents thus should consider being proactive if they feel the doctor or examiner is dismissing their concerns, or if they seem in no hurry to explain things or be comprehensive for testing. And, so of course, the parent chosen can influence things, for better or worse.

 

[Rodafina]

I disagree about the last statement though. More complete assessments are not just based on observations and testing, but caregiver input. A doctor will only be able to evaluate in that setting, and they do not know the child as well as that very vigilant parent, in terms of what their child does, does not do, does more or less of, does in different ways, does at different pace, initiates or fails to complete, etc. Also, not always will all traits and behaviors show up or as much in that one setting, and in such a limited time, if that child is acting differently or not himself there because of some factor. The doctor will not know how the child may act in different locations or under different stressors, unless the parent gives their insights and knowledge there.

Thus, asking the main caregiver who knows the child and their issues well is important, not only in the medical setting, as many doctors that saw our children seemed clueless what certain actions, behaviors, non-verbal communication and utterances our children did meant, partly likely because they did not have much context surrounding that and enough experiences observing that child there. Thus, parental input of child actions, inactions, limitations, behaviors and anxieties at different locations too is needed, to be more complete and to make sense of some things happening or not happening at the medical office. Otherwise, the doctor I would see as less than thorough, making assumptions perhaps prematurely.

We cannot thus overlook a main component to the examination-which is parental input from the most knowledgeable parent who knows the child, given before, at that exam time, or right after the exam before report is filed. For instance, if that more aware or more knowledgeable parent knows the child acts more upset for new persons and places, refusing more to cooperate then for the testing, or acts more upset at certain touch, sound, lighting, etc--different than that which was present at the medical setting, this could give that examiner needed extra information, to know how to verify things more that parent said or to not make that doctor too hasty in his medical opinions. The difference between involving the right parent or not, including with the right testing and person doing the analysis, could mean the difference between the child given a diagnosis, much less being given the right diagnosis or not

As well, I recommend the parent create a video of any child signs and symptoms that may not otherwise show up at the examination, like spinning things, tip toe walking, any odd movements or mannerisms, very picky eating, any shown atypical or obsessive interests, repetitive action, or doing things in orderly, detailed or unique ways, to name a few. Assume all doctors do not know your child or much about Autism, in terms of how their limitations, behaviors, core components show up for them, as each child will be different there, and as masking can occur, too. It thus is important for the doctor to know the child's baseline personality and behaviors in all settings, and not just how they act under duress or when sensory issues are present. And they'd need to know about childhood delays, which milestones were and were not met too. Parents thus should consider being proactive if they feel the doctor or examiner is dismissing their concerns, or if they seem in no hurry to explain things or be comprehensive for testing. And, so of course, the parent chosen can influence things, for better or worse.

Nothing to add, just wanted to say that this is really sound advice.

 

[Au Naturel]

I disagree about the last statement though. More complete assessments are not just based on observations and testing, but caregiver input. A doctor will only be able to evaluate in that setting, and they do not know the child as well as that very vigilant parent, in terms of what their child does, does not do, does more or less of, does in different ways, does at different pace, initiates or fails to complete, etc. Also, not always will all traits and behaviors show up or as much in that one setting, and in such a limited time, if that child is acting differently or not himself there because of some factor. The doctor will not know how the child may act in different locations or under different stressors, unless the parent gives their insights and knowledge there.

Thus, asking the main caregiver who knows the child and their issues well is important, not only in the medical setting, as many doctors that saw our children seemed clueless what certain actions, behaviors, non-verbal communication and utterances our children did meant, partly likely because they did not have much context surrounding that and enough experiences observing that child there. Thus, parental input of child actions, inactions, limitations, behaviors and anxieties at different locations too is needed, to be more complete and to make sense of some things happening or not happening at the medical office. Otherwise, the doctor I would see as less than thorough, making assumptions perhaps prematurely.

We cannot thus overlook a main component to the examination-which is parental input from the most knowledgeable parent who knows the child, given before, at that exam time, or right after the exam before report is filed. For instance, if that more aware or more knowledgeable parent knows the child acts more upset for new persons and places, refusing more to cooperate then for the testing, or acts more upset at certain touch, sound, lighting, etc--different than that which was present at the medical setting, this could give that examiner needed extra information, to know how to verify things more that parent said or to not make that doctor too hasty in his medical opinions. The difference between involving the right parent or not, including with the right testing and person doing the analysis, could mean the difference between the child given a diagnosis, much less being given the right diagnosis or not

As well, I recommend the parent create a video of any child signs and symptoms that may not otherwise show up at the examination, like spinning things, tip toe walking, any odd movements or mannerisms, very picky eating, any shown atypical or obsessive interests, repetitive action, or doing things in orderly, detailed or unique ways, to name a few. Assume all doctors do not know your child or much about Autism, in terms of how their limitations, behaviors, core components show up for them, as each child will be different there, and as masking can occur, too. It thus is important for the doctor to know the child's baseline personality and behaviors in all settings, and not just how they act under duress or when sensory issues are present. And they'd need to know about childhood delays, which milestones were and were not met too. Parents thus should consider being proactive if they feel the doctor or examiner is dismissing their concerns, or if they seem in no hurry to explain things or be comprehensive for testing. And, so of course, the parent chosen can influence things, for better or worse.

I have worked in public schools with autistic children. Parents often want a particular result. They are not neutral observers. Usually a negative diagnosis for whatever is being examined for because a positive diagnosis reflects badly on them. Or because they are afraid of what a positive diagnosis would mean for the child. Sometimes they want a positive result because they want special treatment for their child whether they are autistic or not. Or maybe the diagnosis or lack thereof becomes a tool to be used in a conflicted marriage. (It's all your fault!) Parents are unreliable sources of information.

Since the examiner cannot assess the parent's assessment's accuracy, the primary information source has to be a standardized interview with the child without the parent present. The very presence of the parent will change the responses. If the examiner genuinely wants to reach a valid conclusion parental input is, at best, supplemental.

 

[VictorR]

I have worked in public schools with autistic children. Parents often want a particular result. They are not neutral observers. Usually a negative diagnosis for whatever is being examined for because a positive diagnosis reflects badly on them. Or because they are afraid of what a positive diagnosis would mean for the child. Sometimes they want a positive result because they want special treatment for their child whether they are autistic or not. Or maybe the diagnosis or lack thereof becomes a tool to be used in a conflicted marriage. (It's all your fault!) Parents are unreliable sources of information.

Since the examiner cannot assess the parent's assessment's accuracy, the primary information source has to be a standardized interview with the child without the parent present. The very presence of the parent will change the responses. If the examiner genuinely wants to reach a valid conclusion parental input is, at best, supplemental.

I'm not familiar with child diagnosis, but is there a middle ground perhaps? (e.g. practioner interacts with child alone (maybe with parents in another room with a one-way window who might be able to take and share notes), practioner interacts with child with parents/caregivers, interview with caregivers, and review of caregiver notes and/or videos?)

 

[TheName]

I'm sorry to sound ignorant. I only read the question. I haven't read further.
My answer is both.
Thanks

 

[Au Naturel]

I'm not familiar with child diagnosis, but is there a middle ground perhaps? (e.g. practioner interacts with child alone (maybe with parents in another room with a one-way window who might be able to take and share notes), practioner interacts with child with parents/caregivers, interview with caregivers, and review of caregiver notes and/or videos?)

The way it happened in our school system was someone would come to watch the child's behavior in a classroom setting. Then a judgment call is made as to whether the child has enough difficulty that further action is needed. It is almost never that a parent comes to the school with their concerns. It is usually a teacher who initiates. The parents get called in once a classroom issue is confirmed. And then they insist their child couldn't possibly have an issue.

One girl broke my heart. She was in 5th grade and in the special class. I don't know what the parent's trip was, but they pulled her from public school and sent her off to a private school with a high degree of regimentation and very strict discipline. A school for "problem children" and not something specializing in autism. I imagine they didn't believe high-function autism was a thing and wrote it up to her moral shortcomings. Or maybe they believe that HFA was a thing but that it could be cured in some way.

 

[Crossbreed]

My (cynical) guess is that your husband's assessment of your son differs from yours and he doesn't want yours entered into the record. (I hope that I am wrong.)

 

[1ForAll]

The way it happened in our school system was someone would come to watch the child's behavior in a classroom setting. Then a judgment call is made as to whether the child has enough difficulty that further action is needed. It is almost never that a parent comes to the school with their concerns. It is usually a teacher who initiates. The parents get called in once a classroom issue is confirmed. And then they insist their child couldn't possibly have an issue.

One girl broke my heart. She was in 5th grade and in the special class. I don't know what the parent's trip was, but they pulled her from public school and sent her off to a private school with a high degree of regimentation and very strict discipline. A school for "problem children" and not something specializing in autism. I imagine they didn't believe high-function autism was a thing and wrote it up to her moral shortcomings. Or maybe they believe that HFA was a thing but that it could be cured in some way.

While this may be true for those parents that cannot admit difficulties with their child, or who are too busy or not vigilant enough to notice issues with their child, for every one of those parents there likely is at least one who will be hyperaware of issues in their child/children and who are heavily into details and wanting the best for their children, to increase their child's functioning and happiness as best as possible, and yes, to decrease the stress on they the parents themselves too and the conflicts in the family because of those issues.

Let's not think of school systems and medical persons as always being totally concerned with doing what is best for the child/children either and as the masses may be the focus more. They themselves are not always neutral parties. They try to follow their protocols and rules, yes, but those are not necessarily geared for every unique situation. As well, those systems/people in it will almost never admit when their wrongs occur, but focus on only the benefits of their practices, policies, procedures and treatments, hiding the harms or possible harms.

So, the truth is usually somewhere in the middle for most cases, as each side views things differently, has different expectations, rules, needs, abilities, insights, concerns, and so forth. In my case, I weigh all sides to things. I never assume anything. I look if that person/entity seems balanced in their position for important issues regardless if it is from a professional or parent, as I want the full truth---great, good, neutral, bad, and very poor-- for me to be able to make an informed decision. For instance, don't just tell me of the benefits of public schooling and of treatments.

As well, if I ever seem one sided in life, I want to hear pushback on me, if I am saying or doing something wrong there--to learn and grow- as I instinctively will push back on others if I feel they are creating some fictional or biased narrative. This is how I wish all persons were--objective. Unfortunately, many people these days may have fragile egos, or want or fear lawsuits too much, or their insecurities are such it is instinct to be always right. Whether that is also sometimes low self-esteem related, distorted thinking, some victim mentality, need for power, money or fame, some competition, some genetic issue, who knows.

I just know I learn and trust others when I see transparency and details, and when I see others being more balanced and objective. Partiality causes division, hate, mistrust, less effort at being their best, and finger pointing. There are a few posters here I see as very thorough. They have the ability to take the opposing position, for almost every issue, if that other that they were talking to seemed one-sided. The relevance to all that I said here is that professionals and parents need to stop being in competition. Focus on cleaning up your own acts, for the best of all, and have less focus on yourselves and system preservation. Many things can be bettered if we can owe up to how we ourselves and the system are contributing to the difficulties seen. Be fair there.