Who Initiates Social Contact?

[Spinning Compass]

Who initiates social contact? Do you find yourself being the one that has to reach out to others if you want social contact, for example, calling or texting people? Or is it a 50-50 basis, with you initiating contact with your friends half of the time and the other half of the time they are the ones contacting you?

I just wondered because looking back over my life it seems that if I want social contact I have to go out and get it (join groups, make calls) but the reverse is not true, that I almost never get anyone spontaneously calling me to see how I am or what I am doing. 90% of my incoming phone calls are from telemarketers of one kind or another. Which means that unless I am happy being a recluse I have to get off my duff; however I cannot expect others to go out of their way for me. I know a lot of people who say they are my friends and they say that they like me but I just wonder if I disappeared if anyone would go looking. I had a cousin who did just that 30 years ago and as far as I know nobody ever bothered to find out what happened, they just wrote it off as well, she wasn't getting along with her mother and that was her choice.

One of my neighbors who is an ex-cop told me once that I was the kind of person that he would find after they had been lying dead for a couple of weeks. Boy that really made my day.

Does anyone else feel that way about life?

 

[2010Dolby]

I never initiate contact first. Ever. I have a terrible habit of thinking, "If I text them first I look needy. If they really want to talk they'll text/call me first" Its a screwed up way to think but I geuss it does avoid me looking needy or lonely. The negative is obviously that I miss out on a lot of parties and stuff.

Although I did break that trend yesterday. At the warehouse were I work the only person whos even close to my age is the owners grandson (hes 18 Im 19) and we have a lot of stuff in common. Same music, we both love GM cars and trucks, we're good at industrial construction. But the strongest social catalyst between us is we drink more than fish. So the last few days we've had a thing going on we're we text the other one if we find anyone to buy us beer. Saturday and Sunday he was looking for some beer all day for me, yesterday I found some beer for us so I text him first.

Not the most legal way to build a friendship, but one of the most effective ways to get it done.

 

[King_Oni]

It's about 50/50 here...

Pretty much all my friends are on the spectrum somehow (or borderlining it). So usually we'll only text each other if we really need something and not just "hang around" for the sake of hanging around and maintaining contact.

Quite often I go for a walk at night with a friend of mine who lives around the corner... but it's really a 50/50 thing to see who texts who in regards to "hey... you awake? Wanna go out for a walk?". Most of the time we'll find something the geek out over. And we both don't feel weird for just going for an hour walk and then both going seperate ways and going home again. But he's the same guy who I can usually text and ask if he wants to go out clubbing for a while for instance. So he's a bit of an... well.. activity partner, for lack of a better word.

And with other people it's even more of the "I'll only text, mail, call you, when I really need something" and I am, just as well as they are, cool with not having that social contract of maintaining contact to keep in touch. I don't feel bad or weird for talking to a friend once every 3 months, it's less of a burden to hang out just for the sake of it.

And now thinking of it... I don't think I can't complain that much about being an aspie, lol... if I weren't, I'd probably have a harder time making "new" friends.

 

[Gomendosi]

People often mistake me for rude for this very reason, and one other.
I have an out of sight, out of mind policy filed in my brain under the heading of ?everybody except people in my neighborhood?.
If a person lives a distance away and/ or I don?t see them nearly every day for whatever reason, then I simply don?t think of them often enough to warrant a call, if they want me they know where I am otherwise I am certain I will see them again.
This of course does not apply to family in the immediate area but, family in other states and even out of town, have disowned me for lack of contact.
You?re my family; I don?t actually have a need to talk to you every day!
Neither does it apply to new friendships, crushes or people in shops I frequent, those people I say hello to and chat with quiet regularly, until they discover I am a massive pain in the butt :cute:

The other reason is that if I haven?t seen somebody for a while I can very easily walk straight past them while looking them in the face and still not recognize them, it is because the memory of their face has been replaced with those of people I do see more often, this happens also if I am really intent on doing something somewhere, as then I am oblivious because my mind is not in the filing cabinet where I keep the pictures of the faces I know!

 

[Arashi222]

Hum well for me it is 50/50.

I think I tend to initiate more social contact in a context of knowing people are in said social condition for a reason (ie doll meets, work). But if I am in a situation where that is not the case that there is no common topic/goal etc... then I tend to be shy, intimated and tend to not initiate contact with anyone or keep conversations going (as that is hard enough anyway). Example: my bus driver to work is sweet and nice but he likes to talk which is fine, he talks for both of us I just nod along and when I don't know what to say he prompts me (he had grandson that had Cerebral Palsy) so he is pretty patient with me. But I don't know when to say things to him or not. I am getting better but I don't start the conversations I tend to huddle into a corner with my music and wait.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I like that remark about "my mind is not a filing cabinet." I have the same problem for the same reason. I run into people that I haven't seen in a while and they expect me to remember them. Well, it depends on how well your memory is burned into my memory banks. If you are someone that I haven't had a sustained relationship with, meaning I've seen you here and there and maybe even had a few conversations with. but no long-term everyday friendship then yes I might have a bit of trouble remembering who you are. Especially because I memorize people in context and if you are no longer in that context it can take me a while to figure out who you are and where you fit in. For some reason people have trouble understanding that and expect that you do recognize them right off.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I only initiate when I call my dad once a day. Otherwise, never.

 

[NeverEnder]

I generally do not initiate contact unless there is a good reason to do so, hence, being friendless.

In work/office situations I may be more apt to be open to it considering the need for teamwork on a job at times, but still even in those scenarios, I am shy, quiet and do not make much of a proactive effort.

 

[Flinty]

I used to always be the initiator. Then, at some point, I said screw it. If they want to hang with me, they can initiate it.

Thus it's been a year-and-a-half since I socialized, really. :|

 

[Christian T]

People often mistake me for rude for this very reason... this happens also if I am really intent on doing something somewhere, as then I am oblivious because my mind is not in the filing cabinet where I keep the pictures of the faces I know!

I get that too, not so much being perceived as rude but more of a rude shock when someone suddenly says hello to me when I'm intensely focused on a task. It's a curious phenomenon.

 

[Christian T]

my bus driver to work is sweet and nice but he likes to talk which is fine, he talks for both of us I just nod along and when I don't know what to say he prompts me (he had grandson that had Cerebral Palsy) so he is pretty patient with me. But I don't know when to say things to him or not.

I also let the other person control the conversation because I'm not always sure what they can handle. I usually like to talk about some pretty obscure or heavy things, and it's hard to know what's appropriate, especially with older people.

 

[Christian T]

I like that remark about "my mind is not a filing cabinet." I have the same problem for the same reason. I run into people that I haven't seen in a while and they expect me to remember them. Well, it depends on how well your memory is burned into my memory banks. If you are someone that I haven't had a sustained relationship with, meaning I've seen you here and there and maybe even had a few conversations with. but no long-term everyday friendship then yes I might have a bit of trouble remembering who you are. Especially because I memorize people in context and if you are no longer in that context it can take me a while to figure out who you are and where you fit in. For some reason people have trouble understanding that and expect that you do recognize them right off.

What I hate about those encounters is:

1. when you're not sure if it's the person you think, and neither are they - excruciatingly awkward

or

2. because I'm 17, I get all of those elderly female friends of my parents who behave familiarly with me, even though we've had no contact at all since I was 2 - also very awkward

 

[Christian T]

Who initiates social contact? Do you find yourself being the one that has to reach out to others if you want social contact, for example, calling or texting people? Or is it a 50-50 basis, with you initiating contact with your friends half of the time and the other half of the time they are the ones contacting you?

I just wondered because looking back over my life it seems that if I want social contact I have to go out and get it (join groups, make calls) but the reverse is not true, that I almost never get anyone spontaneously calling me to see how I am or what I am doing. 90% of my incoming phone calls are from telemarketers of one kind or another. Which means that unless I am happy being a recluse I have to get off my duff; however I cannot expect others to go out of their way for me. I know a lot of people who say they are my friends and they say that they like me but I just wonder if I disappeared if anyone would go looking. I had a cousin who did just that 30 years ago and as far as I know nobody ever bothered to find out what happened, they just wrote it off as well, she wasn't getting along with her mother and that was her choice.

One of my neighbors who is an ex-cop told me once that I was the kind of person that he would find after they had been lying dead for a couple of weeks. Boy that really made my day.

Does anyone else feel that way about life?

I think people would notice if I disappeared at school, but certainly not if I never contacted them during the holidays. If I didn't make the effort, I'd never see any of my friends at all, except for my incredible aspie soul mate, but that's different.

I'm glad I found this thread, because I was about to post one myself just like it, so it good to see that at least Spinning Compass can relate to me on this.

 

[Droopy]

I would say that around 80% of my social contact comes from my initiation. Despite everyone knowing that I am nearly always available and up for going outside to do something social, I rarely get contacted.

 

[Csutelan]

I seldom initiate social contact. My wife usually plans any social events that include others. I then plan how much I will have to drink so I can effectively interact with people. I used to be more proactive but as I have gotten older I seem to care less and less. I know that my tendency towards isolation is a bad example for my children but I find it so difficult to be with other people that I have very little motivation to do anything. I really don't know what to do most of the time. I must be very boring for my family...I just sit around and look at old books all the time.

 

[balder]

I used to always be the initiator. Then, at some point, I said screw it. If they want to hang with me, they can initiate it.

That's me.
I used to initiate a lot of contacts, till I get sick of always being the one who did that. Then I just stopped. Now I guess I'm more alone, but more unperturbed as well.

 

[Cerulean]

I used to always be the initiator. Then, at some point, I said screw it. If they want to hang with me, they can initiate it.

Thus it's been a year-and-a-half since I socialized, really. :|

I'm afraid if I stopped initiating then this would happen, and I'd rather it not. Therefore I'm usually the initiator.

 

[fjord]

At this stage, I've mostly given up on people. I don't have the energy to put effort into relationships when experience tells me it probably won't pay off. I rarely contact anyone, even close family members. And I usually ignore the phone, ha. But maybe that will change when I'm out of this current slump. I've had some really good friendships in the past, and still have contact with people on Facebook. Does anyone here else do Facebook?

 

[Megan]

I never initiate contact in order to make social plans. I usually only reach out to people if I have something specific to say to them. I actually messaged someone for no reason yesterday to say "Hi", but it was only because I was under the influence. Oh, and if I know somebody never initiates contact with people but wants to socialize, I will initiate contact.

 

[Dara]

I chose 50-50.
I often contact my friends when I want to talk or hang out with them.
I usually don't contact people I don't know well, even if I would like to see them.