Who is in the wrong?

[queenofthedragonflies]

Hi. I'm a 18 year old female Aspie, dating a 19 year old guy with ASD. We've been dating for over a year and things are, for the most part, fantastic. Of course we fight, as all couples do, but they always get resolved. However, I'm having an issue and I'm wondering if someone can advise me what to do.

Over the weekend, my boyfriend went on a trip away by himself for a night and a day, related to his hobby. He was really excited for it and I was excited for him too. I waved him off at the train station and all was well. We talked during the night and then throughout the next day. I even arranged a lift to come meet him on his way home at the train station.

However, once he arrived at the train station, he proceeded to sneak out the door and avoid me. I received a phone call from my dad (my lift) saying he was outside the train station while I was still inside, waiting for him. Note of importance - my boyfriend has done this before in other places (snuck off). But I just thought this time he might not have seen me so I went to meet him and he proceeded to lie to my face that he didn't know I was coming to meet him even though I told him. Figuring he was just sleep deprived (he only had 2 hours sleep that night and he was like a zombie), I said goodbye to him and that I'd see him later. I then texted him 'Bye, I love you' as per usual while I walked back to my dad's car.

While on the way home, I then received a number of texts stating that he didn't want me to come meet him and he thought he had made it obvious. He hadn't. I then went through my previous texts in case I was being silly and saw one previous text where he said there was no point going to the book store in the train station and that was it. He didn't argue any further. Of course, I know this could just be my Asperger's making it hard to interpret what he was trying to convey too.

When I said this, he replied with 'Either way, I didn't want you there' and then continued to barrage me with texts illustrating his point. I admit I didn't answer to these because I didn't want to cry. I know I have been known to do that in the past which he brings up regularly (not check my phone in an argument because sometimes it upsets me too much).

He then contacted me through our way of IMing online and said if I didn't reply to his texts, it would be as good as breaking us up and it would be my fault. So of course I replied. We then had a conversation where I pointed out his attitude I felt he had and I asked him repeatedly to please go to bed as I felt most of it was due to the sleep deprivation (I've seen him sleep deprived before).

We then continued to have a conversation of whether or not I should see him or whether he should go to bed, I urging the latter, until I fell asleep accidentally in the middle of our conversation.

When I woke up this morning at 3am (Ireland time), I noticed a lot of texts, stating that I had ruined his time on the trip by not leaving him alone constantly messaging him and by ruining 'his high' of the trip by meeting him at the station. But he never told me to leave him alone, in fact he encouraged me to text him and message him.

So am I in the wrong or is he? Please note we are normally very happy and this is the longest we have ever fought. It really is out of the blue and I am fully prepared that this information may be biased from my side but this is everything I can give.

I am not at all considering breaking up just wondering how I can resolve this issue. So far I have ignored all his texts and calls today (childish I know) because I am so angry.

 

[Bolletje]

I don’t think anyone is in the wrong, I just think you are both immature and you need to work on communicating your needs clearly instead of acting childish and acting out.

 

[queenofthedragonflies]

Thank you, Bolletje. I agree, we do need to communicate our needs more clearly.

 

[Bolletje]

It might also help to wait until things have quieted down and try to explain to your boyfriend why you feel hurt. Try to phrase it constructively though, so don’t say things like
“you always do X!”
Instead opt for “when you do X, it makes me feel like Y.”
Try to think of solutions to prevent situations like this. And make a resolution to be explicit about what you do and don’t want, since hints don’t seem to be working.
He doesn’t like being picked up? He’ll have to use his words to say so.
He feels like you’re sending too many messages while he’s on his trip? He’ll have to use his words to say so. Et cetera.

 

[Juliettaa]

It doesn't sound like a particularly healthy 'adult' relationship. Perhaps that's partly due to age/immaturity. Communication from both parties isn't the best.

Rather than ignore the texts as you stated you're currently doing (and that you're aware that this is childish), send one text saying that you're taking time to calm down, that you'll be in touch soon, then turn your phone off for the evening.

 

[queenofthedragonflies]

Thank you! That is very helpful. I've tried being explicit before but looking back, maybe I wasn't being explicit enough? Maybe I framed it too politely and now I think I know I need to do it in a nice but firm way.
I will also tell him to be more explicit with me in the future - I think the mixed signals going on can definitely be improved. Sometimes I just need the obvious being told to me.
He just sent me a text asking me if I was breaking up with him (which I denied) and I said we'll talk properly when I am calm. I think that is best to prevent an explosion from happening.

 

[queenofthedragonflies]

Julietta, just saw your message. I agree with the age factor, however upon the immaturity issue:

Am I acting immature? Yes, I agree. Am I mature in real life? Yes. I completely agree I am acting childish now and it is annoying me too. However I am a just turned 18 year old woman who has been in a relationship for over a year. I'd say it is for the most part very healthy compared to my friends' relationship. We rarely fight, see each other every day and I love him to bits. He is the person who makes me laugh the most and truly the happiest.

Can it be considered unhealthy from one post on the internet? I don't know. Then again can relationships be judged to be healthy from one post on the internet? All I can say is:

Am I loved? Yes
Am I happy? Yes
Am I cherished? Yes

I agree that communication isn't best. I hope to work on it in future.

I have sent him a text as seen in my last post and I'm hoping to mend walls now.

Thank you for your comment.

 

[Juliettaa]

Hi. I'm a 18 year old female Aspie, dating a 19 year old guy with ASD. We've been dating for over a year and things are, for the most part, fantastic. Of course we fight, as all couples do, but they always get resolved. However, I'm having an issue and I'm wondering if someone can advise me what to do.

Over the weekend, my boyfriend went on a trip away by himself for a night and a day, related to his hobby. He was really excited for it and I was excited for him too. I waved him off at the train station and all was well. We talked during the night and then throughout the next day. I even arranged a lift to come meet him on his way home at the train station.

However, once he arrived at the train station, he proceeded to sneak out the door and avoid me. I received a phone call from my dad (my lift) saying he was outside the train station while I was still inside, waiting for him. Note of importance - my boyfriend has done this before in other places (snuck off). But I just thought this time he might not have seen me so I went to meet him and he proceeded to lie to my face that he didn't know I was coming to meet him even though I told him. Figuring he was just sleep deprived (he only had 2 hours sleep that night and he was like a zombie), I said goodbye to him and that I'd see him later. I then texted him 'Bye, I love you' as per usual while I walked back to my dad's car.

While on the way home, I then received a number of texts stating that he didn't want me to come meet him and he thought he had made it obvious. He hadn't. I then went through my previous texts in case I was being silly and saw one previous text where he said there was no point going to the book store in the train station and that was it. He didn't argue any further. Of course, I know this could just be my Asperger's making it hard to interpret what he was trying to convey too.

When I said this, he replied with 'Either way, I didn't want you there' and then continued to barrage me with texts illustrating his point. I admit I didn't answer to these because I didn't want to cry. I know I have been known to do that in the past which he brings up regularly (not check my phone in an argument because sometimes it upsets me too much).

He then contacted me through our way of IMing online and said if I didn't reply to his texts, it would be as good as breaking us up and it would be my fault. So of course I replied. We then had a conversation where I pointed out his attitude I felt he had and I asked him repeatedly to please go to bed as I felt most of it was due to the sleep deprivation (I've seen him sleep deprived before).

We then continued to have a conversation of whether or not I should see him or whether he should go to bed, I urging the latter, until I fell asleep accidentally in the middle of our conversation.

When I woke up this morning at 3am (Ireland time), I noticed a lot of texts, stating that I had ruined his time on the trip by not leaving him alone constantly messaging him and by ruining 'his high' of the trip by meeting him at the station. But he never told me to leave him alone, in fact he encouraged me to text him and message him.

So am I in the wrong or is he? Please note we are normally very happy and this is the longest we have ever fought. It really is out of the blue and I am fully prepared that this information may be biased from my side but this is everything I can give.

I am not at all considering breaking up just wondering how I can resolve this issue. So far I have ignored all his texts and calls today (childish I know) because I am so angry.

Based on the bold comments above, I don't see a healthy adult relationship. All I had to go on is your post. Nothing more. If you say it's healthy, I stand corrected.

Am I loved? Yes
Am I happy? Yes
Am I cherished? Yes

Your first post doesn't evidence that (in my opinion), but again, if you say that's how you feel, I stand corrected.

That's the internet for you; people base their posts on how they interpret things. We're not all going to see it your way or the same way others may interpret a situation.

 

[queenofthedragonflies]

I appreciate your viewpoint. I guess if we all held the same viewpoints, the world would be boring.

The situation outlined really did come out of the blue (in my opinion). We were joke texting each other all the way throughout his journey home. He seemed happy and normal.

The previous time he ran off was at a school graduation where he felt overwhelmed and did not know how to express it to me or his mother. Looking back, I guess he felt overwhelmed last night too and did not know how to express it to me in words (he had a childhood speech delay which still affects him).

I don't appreciate the lying or his attitude to me. Then again I guess he doesn't appreciate my ignoring his calls and texts.

We're young adults. We're constantly learning and evolving. I'm going to take from this situation that he was overwhelmed, didn't know how to communicate and that I didn't help by ignoring him nor by adding fuel to the fire.

 

[Tom]

In my opinion he is acting like a jerk too often and is suggesting breaking up. I'd take him up on his offer and never look back. It has been my observation what starts bad ends bad. I don't remember having a argument with my wife till several years in. I know this may come accross as too severe but I never saw any purpose or necessity of being treated badly.

 

[queenofthedragonflies]

Thanks Tom,

To give you more background without being too outing: My boyfriend has been my close friend for several years and we became even closer before we started dating. We are very very close. I am also his only friend. Therefore, there is no-one else to talk to on his side whereas I have a few close friends.

We have talked and he has said he sent me those messages deliberately in order to try and provoke a response. I have illustrated how unacceptable this is. He agrees and I agree I was wrong to ignore his messages and calls. We are both sorry.

It is great that you and your wife didn't have an argument until several years in. My boyfriend and I have had very little arguments and they have been generally silly and over within 3-4 hours. This is out of the blue.

He might seem like he is 'acting as a jerk' in this instance and I agree he comes off that way but he truly is amazing. It would be silly of me not to claim culpability in this argument too.

Obviously, if we can both work on this relationship together, to make it stronger (when it is already strong - barring this out of the blue incident of course) and to make communication much more open and stable - that would be the ideal and at this moment in the time, this is what we are both looking forward to.

The thing about breaking up is he doesn't want to break up but like a lot of people with ASD he has been scorned in the past by others and (we are in our first relationship) he is afraid to open up to people. He thinks every little thing will break us up and he has no positive role models in his life for a healthy relationship whereas I have my parents (an Aspie/NT healthy relationship) to aid me.

 

[Tom]

The thing about breaking up is he doesn't want to break up but like a lot of people with ASD he has been scorned in the past by others and (we are in our first relationship) he is afraid to open up to people. He thinks every little thing will break us up and he has no positive role models in his life for a healthy relationship whereas I have my parents (an Aspie/NT healthy relationship) to aid me.

Fair enough. But you must still be firm. Tolerating or just forgiving bad behavior only prolongs or even worsens it. Too many people somehow end up in relationships where being treated badly is the norm. It is not. You are willing to work with him. Cool. But many if not most teacher and medical professionals have trouble working these things out. Not because they are stupid, but because it is really very hard and progress is slow. Any relationship can be tricky. Yours starts triply so. Bad behavior should have consequences and your continued support should require that he is trying and making some progress towards improvements. Do not let this turn into him training you how to be his doormat and whipping boy.

 

[queenofthedragonflies]

I agree. I have made it clear (as in the past) that I am not his doormat or his emotional punching bag but his girlfriend and a person with feelings and therefore they must be considered in the equation also as well as his own. Often we can both be stubborn and tempers can flare. We need to both be the better person and grow and have a better command over our emotions.

 

[Mia]

Over a long time together we've worked out how to be clear and tell one other exactly what we want. It takes time to work on this kind of communication. Being clear and concise is something that requires some practice. I don't always know exactly what I want or desire at any given moment when asked, it requires time for me to think.

Society places social barriers to truth and clarity in communication. And in its roundabout manner, creates confusion. I think of it as a secret code to obfuscation. I've found over time, that my husband doesn't like to talk or communicate after any kind of sortie from the public world and neither do I. We often need time to ourselves and communicate later when were over the initial onslaught of noise and people.

 

[queenofthedragonflies]

Thanks Mia,

Update: My boyfriend and I are completely all good. We're agreed to work on our communication and already it seems to be working out great and reducing confusion. A few incidents today where normally we would have ended up baffled at each other due to miscommunication have quickly been resolved due to clear communication. A clear win!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, you really helped me out.

 

[Bella Pines]

No one is in the wrong. In a normal, non abusive relationship, there is no right and wrong there are simply two perspectives. Both of you will be right from your own perspective.

It's a learning and a communication problem.

He needs to learn to soften his responses, saying things like "I don't want you.." and "you've ruined my.." is not acceptable and as he gets older I hope he would replace these phrases with something like "I do want you but in this case I would rather be alone" and "my inability to communicate has ruined my.."

You need to learn to not be so needy and sensitive. Firstly, he is just about an adult and so his sleeping patterns are his own. If he wants a lift, he can ask for one or arrange one. And his actions are what they are. So rather than overthink his every move and scroll back through texts, accept the situation for what is is and chill a bit!

 

[AO1501]

Thanks Mia,

Update: My boyfriend and I are completely all good. We're agreed to work on our communication and already it seems to be working out great and reducing confusion. A few incidents today where normally we would have ended up baffled at each other due to miscommunication have quickly been resolved due to clear communication. A clear win!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, you really helped me out.

Just remember a few basic principles: Say exactly what you mean, don't leave him to work out what you want him to know, because most Aspies can't do that. They, we, generally take things very literally. Likewise, listen to what he says, because more than likely, what he says is exactly what he means.

If you don't understand something he says or does, ask him to explain. Likewise, encourage him to do the same if he doesn't understand something you say or do.

Don't push him, by which I mean if he seems not able or prepared to talk about something, don't push him to. He may not be able to explain or express something, and need to process it first, or he may not be prepared to because it is something internal to him. Either way, just say it's ok, and he can come back to it later if he wants.

While Aspies are typically very logical and rational, bear in mind hat at his age, he may not make a whole lot of sense to himself sometimes. You are likely to have a little more maturity, so sometimes you will have to shoulder responsibility for the emotional lead.

Try and remember that he is likely to have a pretty simple 'binary', black and white thought process without all the shades of grey others have, so if you're trying to communicate over an issue, try to aim at definite and identifiable things where he will be able to process a binary type of response.

 

[Rich Gray]

I find it odd that people expect one to return texts right then and there. I see it as a note that you can reply to when you get around to it (unless it on a subject that called for an immediate response).

My wife went on a trip with her friends and she was upset at the number of times I texted her asking her questions about where the kids this or that was located. Most of the time I did not expect her to reply then, and there . . . it was just a list of things I wanted an answer to when she got around to it.

Perhaps let him know that while on a hobby vacation that it is okay to reply to the texts at night, or something. Think of it like a note left on his pillow or something.

-----

You two need to come up with a list of procedures for what to do in different situations:
* What to do when either of you need alone time to settle down.
* How often it is okay to text, message or call each other on a vacation such as this.

-----

You could likely benefit from setting up expectations, rules, and procedures on how to handle different situations. Perhaps get a book about how to set up rules for relationships, or for roommates? There likely are some good ideas in there.

My wife and I have lots of agreements set up.
* When getting married the pastor thought that we cheated on our relationship test. These texts have questions in there like "is it okay to have sexual relationships with others?" or "how will you split the chores?"
* We have a two store limit rule. So if we are out and have visited two stores/locations, then one of us can say "I have reached my two store limit" and then we go home.

 

[Frostee]

He doesn't sound too sympathetic to your side of things! Very Self Absorbed! Not really sure what you should do, as I think it was rude of him to ditch you at the last moment.