Why Being Autistic Doesn't Mean You Can't Achieve

[AGXStarseed]

(Not written by me)

Your child being autistic doesn’t mean you can’t have dreams - it’s about readjusting your expectations


Even before my son was born, I had made a handful of plans as to what he would be. He would be funny, smart, almost certainly be athletic and he would no doubt have a successful job.

The day we were delivered an autism diagnosis when he was aged three, those plans were wrenched away from me with just the mention of the one word.

Autistic.

He was non-verbal and still not toilet trained. How would he ever achieve anything? He was autistic. I plunged into a depression where I couldn’t see the tunnel, let alone the light at the end of it.

Autistic meant that you are unable to succeed. Life would be full of challenges that would be difficult to overcome. Who would love my son? How would he ever learn anything when he barely understood anything?

Although I knew that autism was a spectrum disorder, I hadn’t quite realised how wide that spectrum was. I had read about two very extremes, people who were non-verbal who had issues accessing the world around them and people who were high functioning who could articulate their difficulties but go on to form relationships and secured employment. Joseph appeared to fit in between those extremes, which in some respects made the future seemed so uncertain.

There wasn’t a lightbulb moment when those feelings changed; it was a gradual process. His communication developed and he eventually started using the toilet. He began hitting some milestones, albeit later than his peers but he hit them. I heard stories of people who were non-verbal who went on to be scholars with university degrees and I became hopeful. I was frightened of setting expectations too high but I decided that I would give him all of the opportunities he needed to succeed.

I realised that success is not necessarily measured through exam qualifications but through more subtle achievements. We have celebrated a successful shopping trip. We have high fived when he has walked out with confidence in front of the whole school and participated in a dance with the rest of his class. We have cried with joy when he has initiated a conversation and not just imitated spoken words.

I still don’t know whether he will find love within a relationship. I have no idea whether he will remain within a mainstream school environment or whether he will be capable of living independently. What I do know is, I will be able to look back and have no regrets about the opportunities I have provided. As a parent, my difficulty lies within trying to predict the future and knowing the end game, but nobody can know that.

Your child being autistic doesn’t mean you can’t have dreams, it’s about readjusting your expectations. We still set the bar high for Joseph and encourage him to reach for the top and he will always have the constant support along the way.

I believe in him and I believe in my ability to be the advocate he needs.

AUTHOR'S OWN IMAGE
The original version of this post first appeared on AutismAwareness.com.


Source: Why Being Autistic Doesn't Mean You Can't Achieve

 

[Jana Delaney]

(Not written by me)

Your child being autistic doesn’t mean you can’t have dreams - it’s about readjusting your expectations

MY RESPONSE:

Another day, another parent electing themselves as a mouthpiece for their autistic offspring. How rare.

Even before my son was born, I had made a handful of plans as to what he would be.

Oh. My God. She's one sentence in, and she's already said one of the most blatantly stupid, ignorant and narcissistic things any parent can say about their offspring. Wow. That bodes well.

He would be funny, smart, almost certainly be athletic and he would no doubt have a successful job.

Great. So you're deciding what you're child's identity will be before they're born? Gee, that's not psychological abuse at all.

The day we were delivered an autism diagnosis when he was aged three, those plans were wrenched away from me with just the mention of the one word.

Autistic.

And yet, with an open mind, you could have received the news with neutrality rather than half-baked, idiotic, tabloid-fodder judgments. Your misconceptions are your problem. I had a family member who couldn't believe I was autistic because I had been to University.

He was non-verbal and still not toilet trained. How would he ever achieve anything? He was autistic. I plunged into a depression where I couldn’t see the tunnel, let alone the light at the end of it. Autistic meant that you are unable to succeed.

Says who? Oh, wait... people like you. Oh, I see! You decide our fate for us and write us off before even giving us a chance! Oh, okay, now I get it.

Life would be full of challenges that would be difficult to overcome. Who would love my son? How would he ever learn anything when he barely understood anything?

Great, you're having doubts over who will love your own son? Wow, that's not puke-inducing at all. It's perfectly natural for people to view their own children as unlovable. Oh, and by the way, your assertion that he barely understands anything is garbage. I have uncovered a morass of research on the Internet telling me that there are many non-verbal autistic people who understand perfectly well everything going on around them, because they have conveyed as much in the written word, or through using technology. Stop making assumptions.

There wasn’t a lightbulb moment when those feelings changed; it was a gradual process. His communication developed and he eventually started using the toilet. He began hitting some milestones, albeit later than his peers but he hit them. I heard stories of people who were non-verbal who went on to be scholars with university degrees and I became hopeful. I was frightened of setting expectations too high but I decided that I would give him all of the opportunities he needed to succeed.

Comparing him to his peers, and placing YOUR expectations on him is abusive. Or am I being "too sensitive"? Oh, wait, no I'm not. He is not an extension of you.

I realised that success is not necessarily measured through exam qualifications but through more subtle achievements.

Actually it's measured through happiness, which he might have a fighting chance at if you stopped comparing him to so-called normal people and just let him be. And stopped speaking for him.

We have celebrated a successful shopping trip. We have high fived when he has walked out with confidence in front of the whole school and participated in a dance with the rest of his class. We have cried with joy when he has initiated a conversation and not just imitated spoken words.

He would have done those things anyway, and probably more, if you hadn't had such low expectations of him in your own mind. The problem with the way that many non-autistic people view autistic people is that, basically, they have zero understanding of autistic people, and so they just make a bunch of crap up, tell us that's how we are, and because you are the majority, it sticks. Society lowering our self-esteem along the way to rock-bottom levels will also be an added bonus when it comes to facilitating our brainwashing.

I still don’t know whether he will find love within a relationship. I have no idea whether he will remain within a mainstream school environment or whether he will be capable of living independently. What I do know is, I will be able to look back and have no regrets about the opportunities I have provided. As a parent, my difficulty lies within trying to predict the future and knowing the end game, but nobody can know that.

No, no, NO. Your job as a parent is NOT to predict the future it is to love your child unconditionally! Whether he 'finds love' is not your concern. It is not your business to micro-manage your offspring's life - I have seen this a million times before and it destroys lives.

Your child being autistic doesn’t mean you can’t have dreams, it’s about readjusting your expectations. We still set the bar high for Joseph and encourage him to reach for the top and he will always have the constant support along the way.

I believe in him and I believe in my ability to be the advocate he needs.

I am afraid I do not exercise the same level as faith that you do in your ability to advocate for your son, especially given your frequent talk of 'expectations'. It is not for you to decide where the 'bar' is. Just let him be, for God's sake. He is an autonomous, sovereign being, not a racehorse. Plus, readjusting your expectations sound very much to me like 'I will decide for my autistic (defective) offspring what they will or will not do with their life'. I have seen it before; parents of autistic people micro-managing, emasculating and infantilising their offspring so badly that they grow up to be utterly damaged, to the point that they can barely walk to the end of the room without someone interfering.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, LET THEM BE!