Why can't people just say what they mean?

[normanm]

This is probably going to sound pathetic.

I just don't get all this hinting, like when people fish for compliments or try to lead a conversation.

If a woman wants you to ask her out, why doesn't she just do the asking? Instead of saying it would be really nice if.... and other such nonsense. :S

 

[nintendogurl1990]

This is probably going to sound pathetic.

I just don't get all this hinting, like when people fish for compliments or try to lead a conversation.

If a woman wants you to ask her out, why doesn't she just do the asking? Instead of saying it would be really nice if.... and other such nonsense. :S

Does the following situation count?

I've had people who would ignore me when I tried to talk to them, whether it's online or it's face-to-face. But I wouldn't know what's going on with them until they would either tell me politely that I was pushing too hard, or just snap and say something like they don't f**ing like me. I get so confused and ask myself, "What did I do wrong? I was just trying to be friendly." It's so frustrating because I still don't know when to stop trying to contact a person unless they tell me up front in the first place. THis happened to me TWICE. I really wish I knew any socal cues or signals so I know when to leave someone alone.

 

[Firnafth]

People dance around the bush when asking you something because they don't want you to say "no." It can be very painful for some people (like me) if they ask for something and the other person doesn't want to give it. So people inch towards the topic to assess how you feel about it, and if you seem willing they may go ahead.

Ultimately, I think people feel bad when rejected for some reason on another because they weren't able to get what they wanted. People manipulate (e.g. fishing around) to attempt to make it more likely that they will get what they want. It's basically a form of deception - although deception is common in all animals which communicate with each other because of conflicts of interest between the two communicating individuals.

 

[normanm]

Does the following situation count?

I've had people who would ignore me when I tried to talk to them, whether it's online or it's face-to-face. But I wouldn't know what's going on with them until they would either tell me politely that I was pushing too hard, or just snap and say something like they don't f**ing like me. I get so confused and ask myself, "What did I do wrong? I was just trying to be friendly." It's so frustrating because I still don't know when to stop trying to contact a person unless they tell me up front in the first place. THis happened to me TWICE. I really wish I knew any socal cues or signals so I know when to leave someone alone.

see that's just it I just don't get the cues and all that bull. I have difficulties knowing if people are joking or being sincere or nasty or whatever. Unless someone comes straight out and says exactly what's on their mind I just get confused, then I go and hide myself away.

 

[whale_bone]

 

[normanm]

Whale Bone that's very informative. Still slightly confusing though.

 

[aspirejohn]

Whale Bone that's very informative. Still slightly confusing though.

Yeah I had to watch it a couple of times lol. Very good though!

 

[katcha]

The truth is, they ARE saying exactly what they mean and you just don't see it! Remember, we're the ones with the disability, we're "blind" to such things.

 

[Mr. Jones]

Agreed!!! I myself have always been brutally honest and straightforward in how I socialize . Making subtle hints and cues about what a person wants is nonsense, it's almost like a childish game in my opinion :S.

Also it is the same with other issues. When I use a dating service, the websites advise you on how much to say, how to remain 'mysterious,' and all this other nonsense. It's nonsense! What happened to being yourself and a descent human being? I lay all my cards on the table - this is who I am, take me or leave me.

Bah! :S

 

[Mr. Jones]

I disagree that we are in the wrong - perhaps their method is just stupid . Maybe they should follow our example; I've always wondered what true honesty would do to our world…

 

[Socialskillsdan]

The reason why many people are indirect is because it helps reduce conflict and awkwardness. For instance, let's say a woman is interested in you. If she just asks you out and you turn her down, then she feels hurt and the conversation becomes very awkward. But if she hints at you that she is interested, then if you want to ask her out you can, but if you don't want to ask her out, you don't have to explicitly reject her. This avoids hurting her feelings and making the conversation grind to an awkward halt.

Or let's say you are doing a behavior that someone finds offensive. If they tell you "Hey, stop this behavior, I find it offensive", it might embarrass you in front of the other people there, or you might get offended back, or you might feel hurt or ashamed. But if they are able to hint at you to change your behavior in a subtle way, then you get to save face and the awkwardness is avoided.

A final reason is that having some ambiguity makes the interaction more fun. If a girl tells you "Please kiss me" and then you do, the kiss might be enjoyable but you are just doing what she asked, and that's not very exciting. If instead she subtly signals you to kiss her, then there is still much more ambiguity and suspense. Then when you finally do kiss her, it's more exciting.

Of course, this is a very frustrating system for folks with AS. But if you learn to pick up these subtle signals, you can find yourself having much better social interactions Remember these subtle signals are here for a reason and instead of opposing the system, try to work with it and make it work for you.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Allow me to put this bluntly; people are ninnies.
They're not going to say what they think because, as has been mentioned, they don't want to confront the reaction of the person, or even potential reaction.

 

[Mr. Jones]

Allow me to put this bluntly; people are ninnies.
They're not going to say what they think because, as has been mentioned, they don't want to confront the reaction of the person, or even potential reaction.

You're posts are delightful and they make me laugh .

Personally I have always been a straightforward, tell-it-how-it-is kind of person. I don't know if that is how all Aspies are; I just know what I am like. When I see a woman and I think she is attractive, I say it. No fluff and no social puzzles. I'm also known to express my inner thoughts verbally and without concern about who overhears it or how loud I said them. To be honest, I don't care who hears them.

Unlike others I don't think of this as "wrong" or anything that needs to be corrected or changed but simply how I am and the quirks of being around me

 

[HelloDizzy]

Thank you =)

I also am blunt, when I do talk. If someone says something ridiculous, they will probably know it within .2 seconds of it leaving their mouth.

 

[Arashi222]

People don't say what they mean because they think they are. Supposedly we're the ones that are strange because we need them to be more clear. We're the blind ones (heh that's how its been explained to me that its like my being visually impaired only socially, which I guess makes sense to a point). I try usually twice before I just break down and ask because I just can't tell, I think we try so hard to be 'normal' socially to a point. I don't know if someone is joking or if they are angry with me, I don't know I think its true its nonsense. Its total nonsense to try to expect everyone to understand when they say one thing and imply something else. When they do something and really mean something else. *shakes head*

 

[Alpaca]

For me the game is different. I don't mean to seem like I'm bragging or egotistical, but girls like me, for whatever reason. Some are way friendly with me, run up and hug me or whatever. Dating is different. I have no clue, what steps to take. If it was laid out the same way for everybody (A to B) I'd have no problem. But everybody is different and every young lady has her own perceptions of romance. And It doesn't help that they are usually intimidated by me (a lot of people are by the 6'4" 220lb, highly intelligent, good lookin guy who never smiles). Needless to say, the rumors of my snobbiness have fallowed me thru several states.

Lately, I've changed tactics. I tell girls that I might like, that I can't read nonsocial cues. That if a girl liked me, her hints would wash off me like water on a rain coat. I will update ya'll if it actually works.

 

[Dusty285]

The thinking processes of "Normals" run like an operating system in a computer and their OS's sync quickly and easily among and between each other. For a visual equivalent think of a flock of birds sweeping and swirling in perfect relation to each other. What is said by one person initiates the next step in the flow of thought and both or all go to that step and stage together, automatically. We on the Spectrum do not sync. Its that easy. Of course, that leaves us baffled because we do not understand the flow and the Normals are baffled and distressed because we do not react and respond appropriately.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I like that visual explanation. Quite accurate.

 

[Dusty285]

The video that Whale_Bone posted the link to is very good. I think, though, that it is intended mostly for Normals. A teaching tool for definitive explanation of normal social communication?

My own dating experience, back when, was that the girls who led the way in no uncertain terms did adequately well with me. We had good dates and there were several relationships that lasted for a little while. The girls who expected me to "sync" (previous post) did not do well; some very uncomfortable dates -- only once per girl of course; some girls who seemed to want to attach themselves to me (or to someone and I was there at the moment) gave up on me in ways that probably reflected bafflement and bewilderment. That is a two-way street, too. At the time I felt no way to establish adequate links of communication or emotional attachment. It might have helped if I had know about "Aspie'; although that was well before 'Aspie' was more than an academic concept in limited Ivory Tower circles.

I am an HFA, almost 'Normal' in much of my persona, and as seems to be common on the Spectrum, very smart, at least in some things. I read intensely as a child and picked up an immense vocabulary and excellent command of the language (English). Math never seemed especially difficult but it has always bored me to tears and like most Aspies I refused to get very involved in things I was not interested in. (If I need to determine something mathmatically, I will find a formula or work one out and do the needed math. Better, now that there is technology to use, a calculator that I can put the raw numbers into and press a button for the result. Why bother with anything else? If the math is beyond my abilities, so will the engineering and manufacturing needed be beyond my individual capabilities and I will buy something to do what is needed!) The point and probably common experience I have had is that many of the people in my life, some family (esp. In-Laws) and co-workers seemed to think I was so smart that I was concealing my mind behind a mask and following my own agenda and taking advantage of everyone when really I was in fact mostly a lost and confused soul. Sound familiar?

 

[Jewely]

I cannot read when people are being sarcastic. I take them literally. Unless there's an obvious tone of voice change or they laugh. So now that I know that (I was only diagnosed recently), I just ask them. I don't care what they think of me.