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Why did they do that? - understanding why folk do what they do

A

Alexej

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I was having a discussion with my wife yesterday about the difference between how she responds to conversation and how I do.

My wife will go over a conversation and try to understand what the motivation behind people's questions and what that says about them and what they are thinking. To her this is so natural and she does it all the time.

I, on the other hand, do not engage in the same questioning. I tend to take things as they come and what is - is. It does not occur to me to think back on why people have done things, I just don't ask the question at all.

I am told that this lack of curiosity may be an autistic trait. Does this match anyone else's experience.
 
I am most often the same. It is what it is. If I try to think about why they did what they did, I can easily tie myself in knots and still not know. I've posted a few threads revealing details of things that happen. It can help sometimes, but it's a lot of effort.

Letting it be makes more sense to me. I seem to know what I need to know when I need to know it anyway. Seems good enough.
 
Yes, I would say I'm not that curious too. Also questioning people's motives and intentions would only drain me and I prefer to let it go. I get told I'm too trusting sometimes.
 
Alexej said:
My wife will go over a conversation and try to understand what the motivation behind people's questions and what that says about them and what they are thinking. To her this is so natural and she does it all the time.
Click to expand...

Thats the NT way of conversate, so your wife is perfectly correct on that.

She is wrong in supossing you lack curiosity, what you (and me) lack is the brain circuits (or resources) to properly and naturally conversate in that way. Its a very autistic thing.

Many people here will relate. :)
 
I wish I lacked that kind of curiosity sometimes. If I catch on that I'm missing something or unsure on something then I can fixate on that. I am not able to puzzle out motivations and such very well by myself either, so if it's someone I know well enough, I'll ask very blunt questions to get my straightforward answers. When I'm unable to ask these, it can take a while to let go of the whole thing.
It's not a case of distrust though, I just don't do well with that feeling of uncertainty and find it hard to make safe assumptions on what's going on with any confidence.
 
Sounds a bit paranoid. "Why did they say that." Why did they do that".......

Now your going over a conversation, about going over a conversation....this thread makes my head hurt. I don't want to think about it...really

Just say no. TO overthinking.

I'm very un-curious in my thinking habits. When it pertains other people. 99% of the time that is. You've got to be very important, or done something very egregious, for me to even pay attention. Yeah, I think that's a true trait, as it speaks on insular nature of the condition.
 
Alexej said:
I am told that this lack of curiosity may be an autistic trait.
Click to expand...

We have to be specific,...because a "lack of curiosity" clearly is not an autistic trait,...as it is often curiosity and a "knowledge hunger" that IS an autistic trait. Specifically, within the context of social communication, there may be a lack of perspective taking, a lack of taking in all the communication information (eye contact, facial microexpressions, voice modulation, body language, etc.) and a general disinterest in communication, in general,...that may be more this issue.

That said, I've had people I have known and done things with, spent time with,...and we've just focused on what we were doing,...and never at any point discussed family, friends, politics,...whatever. My wife WILL ask me about these people and immediately want to know all those details,...and she is quite confused how and why I don't know them.

Part of this may be stereotypical male vs female relationships, as well. A comedian many years ago pointed out this difference. A man can spend hours fishing with another man and never say a word. A woman can spend hours with another woman and never stop talking. The wife asks the husband "What did you talk about?"" The husband replies "nothing",...and the wife thinks the husband is being deceptive. The husband asks the wife "What did you do?" The wife replies "nothing",...and the husband thinks the wife is being deceptive.

I've had workout partners in the gym,...known them for months before any such personal information was ever exchanged. We were working out,...that's it. Nothing more needed to be said.
 
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Lack of curiosity in other people POV, or internal representations. Not a lack of curiosity in arcane fields, subjects and interests. Two different things. Entirely.
 
Slim Jim said:
Sounds a bit paranoid. "Why did they say that." Why did they do that".......

Now your going over a conversation, about going over a conversation....this thread makes my head hurt. I don't want to think about it...really

Just say no. TO overthinking.

I'm very un-curious in my thinking habits. When it pertains other people. 99% of the time that is. You've got to be very important, or done something very egregious, for me to even pay attention. Yeah, I think that's a true trait, as it speaks on insular nature of the condition.
Click to expand...
"i am just being paranoid" Wish that was true. People do what they do because they enjoy me being in pain.
 
Maybe every once in a while, I imagine, in an unusual circumstance, but, generally, I can't imagine caring enough about a social interaction to do that.
 
Sometimes we are in the moment and fish for details. Sometimes l clearly have no interest in your details but l need to mask and act like l do so that people don't view my total disregard for most of the human race where l live as to abnormal.

We have a right to filter information dumps. Yes, to this, no to that. It's like a short story or a newspaper or a ticker strip you are constantly reading when you interact with strangers. Most of the info you are filing in the totally useless folder.

To me l am reading totally useless details, that's why a lot of us hate small talk and can't relate. We can just be with someone and not talk since talking isn't going to result in a serious outcome.
 
Aspychata said:
We have a right to filter information dumps. Yes, to this, no to that. It's like a short story or a newspaper or a ticker strip you are constantly reading when you interact with strangers. Most of the info you are filing in the totally useless folder.

To me l am reading totally useless details, that's why a lot of us hate small talk and can't relate. We can just be with someone and not talk since talking isn't going to result in a serious outcome.
Click to expand...

Yes I agree about ignoring a lot of the stuff that I hear, but the aspect of understanding why things happen is one that I am not yet fully at peace with. I know that my wife's reaction to so much of what happens is Why?. whereas for me it is "well that did that - OK move on". This may mean that I dont see things coming, and I have a couple of scars to prove that, but the reaction of asking why is just not there in me.


Thanks for the comments and discussion - appreciate it
 
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