WHY do I always do this???

[Pats]

I spent weeks planning a little baby shower for my daughter. Well, it was a small sprinkle but we changed it to flurry because we went with a winter theme. I filled thank you bags with a cute mask and hand sanitizer, hot cocoa mix and candy cane and chocolate kisses and peppermint chapstick. The shower was outside so there could be social distancing and had cute little winter face masks I made hanging in a bag at the entrance so everyone would have one. The weather was perfect. The food was good and my hot chocolate bar was a hit. Crock pot with hot cocoa and cups filled with chocolate chips, confetti chips, mini marshmallows, peppermint sticks and a can of whipped cream. It was a small group and they all have a sense of humor, and I'm only okay in a group that laughs because the only way I can communicate in a groups is by being funny and making people laugh. (Otherwise I'm sinking into a chair trying to hide). Everyone was laughing and having a good time. I had requests for recipes and compliments on everything. It could not have gone better. Oh I even brought soft fuzzy snowballs for the kids to have a snowball fight (and they, along with some of the adults, had fun with that.)
BUT, I still go home and stress out over what did I forget What did I do wrong or say wrong? Did I cross anyone's boundaries while trying to be funny? Why didn't I or why did I stuff going through my head. I did ask my daughter if I crossed any lines - because I know when people are laughing at my stories I don't always know when to quit. She said everything was good and that I didn't do anything she seen as wrong. It helps but doesn't do away with the anxiety. The shower was Sunday and I spent Monday and Tuesday recovering and stressing.

It feels good to laugh and make other people laugh, but I do wish I could communicate other ways, too. Like my daughter's mother in law and grandmother in law were there. Usually I'm at their house when I see them and uncomfortable and doing my hiding out and freezing somewhere and quiet. So they probably wondered what I was on Sunday because they don't see that side of me. Yep, they probably wonder what I had taken that day.

 

[SDRSpark]

I'm the same way...I don't have any advice but you're definitely not the only one. I'll zero in on the one thing I said that was wrong or questionable and I won't be able to let it go.

 

[Nervous Rex]

No, I do that, too. I'm a perfectionist. This isn't the good type, where you try to play a concert perfectly, or something like that. This is the type where you obsess over every mistake and never forget it.

It seems to be common on this forum, so I'm guessing it's common among autistics. A big question in my mind is whether autistics are naturally perfectionists, or whether it's a learned behavior, from being socially smacked down so many times.

A few things help me:

1) Knowing no one is paying as close attention to my behavior as I am.

2) Knowing that no one else knew the event I planned - they only saw the event I put on. So, they don't see the things I wanted to do but couldn't pull off - only I am judging myself by that. (You can replace "Event" with "performance", "joke", "speech", etc.)

3) Remembering that everyone is human. No one is perfect. The more accepting and forgiving I deliberately try to be toward others, the more I am naturally accepting and forgiving of myself.

4) Rephrasing the experience from a mistake to a lesson learned. This Saturday, I chained too many Christmas lights up in a row and blew out the fuse in the first strand. My son and I had to restring a lot of lights to fix it. Instead of, "Well, we're idiots", I told my wife, in front of my son, "We had to do it twice, but we learned something." - I'm trying to teach my children to view mistakes as learning experiences, to move on and to try to do better next time. At the same time, I think I'm trying to learn it myself.

 

[Judge]

A big question in my mind is whether autistics are naturally perfectionist, or whether it's a learned behavior, from being socially smacked down so many times.

Good point. Naturally perfectionist? Indeed, particularly is one is pathologically driven towards perfection.

Though I recognize the arguments for and against whether perfectionism is distinctly different (or similar) to manifestations of OCD. Something I was formally diagnosed with in 1982.

For myself, I consider my own manifestations of perfectionism to be debilitating more often than not. That in the long run, it just plain wears me down. Always has, and always will.

In my thirties I considered it an asset. In my sixties...not so much.

 

[Thinx]

It sounds like a really great event, so kind and thoughtful of you to go to all that trouble, and wow the skills you have!

I seem not to have this issue, possibly due to some level of dyspraxia and or general incompetence making me never a candidate to do anything to so high a standard. I also do seem to be a bit laid back, and not anxious. But I am definitely as avoidant of social events as you, or more so, I would help but I wouldn't organise something. Awesome!

 

[Au Naturel]

A lifetime of not knowing how to fit in can do that to you. Not being able to trust what you see and hear because you realize there are layers to interactions you can't perceive.

We tend to look at ourselves thru other people's eyes. But we're interpreting what we see with our own insecurities and fears. Of course, we know exactly where the flaws are plus we imagine flaws where they don't exist so we stare at them. The fact is the other people at the event don't focus on us nor are they looking for flaws. They are just having fun. Anyone focusing on flaws is a bad apple.

I have a little FTW demon that kicks in when my stress gets high enough. If it did not I could not remain functional in such situations. I don't know if I learned it or if it came naturally. It doesn't really matter if I'm not perfect. I tried to make things pleasant. Helpful suggestions are always welcome but as long as I made a good faith effort, anyone who picks on the shortcomings rather than appreciating the effort is not worth the powder. F 'em.

​

It is an incredibly liberating feeling to stop caring about people who ought not to matter and to only focus on those who are helpful.

 

[halfasped]

Your menu and planning...you lost me at hot chocolate bar! I'd have never made it more than a few inches from the food table, lol.

What sucks about not reading body language, is we get no ongoing feedback, tiny hints as if guests were holding up those cards with numbers on them in the Olympics. When we begin to go wrong the person could swap their 10 to a 5 and boom, we'd know where it went wrong, go for a solid 8 and end there.

So as usual my brain makes everything an analogy, no wonder you're stressed, you're the only one that doesn't see your 'score' during the party then have to guess what it was after.

This is why I hang out with the dog, or cat, etc...

The few parties i've thrown, i make sure all the food, plates, cups, drinks, are ready...try to think of my job as provider of components of fun but it is the job of the group to do the social heavy lifting, in no way do i have to lead. Just support. Oh gosh runnin low on those wee hot dogs, gettin some more! Maybe cut down your job responsibilities...cook, supplies, ask ppl who are laughing how they're doing or if they need anything....safe stuff.

Chances are if people liked the food, chances of everyone having a great time improves a whole lot. Sounded delicious...i mean wonderful, lol.

 

[SusanLR]

A lifetime of those inner insecurities.
I avoid gatherings and I would never organize one on my own.

Sounds like you did great and everyone enjoyed themselves.
But, a life time of feeling different or like you don't fit in can make us a prisoner of our own minds.
That is very hard to delete completely. It is for me anyway.

 

[zozie]

I can really relate to being all laughing and joking in front of people you are more accustomed to hiding around. I'm only a few months into dropping the act, and I've noticed that people are confused and concerned and want to know what's wrong and why I'm different. Sometimes I slip back into the mask and people relax, and it would be very tempting to stay there, were it not for the inevitable crash that always comes later.

But I think it's amazing that you planned a party and things were so organized and that people came. I don't really have anything especially wise and helpful to add, just that I perseverate over interactions, too. At first, I'm confused about them, but eventually I make a decision about what the interactions mean.

Because even an interpretation of body language that reflects poorly on me is more comfortable than forever not understanding.

 

[Pats]

You know, you guys helped me realize why I do this and, by golly, you are so right!