Why do people use drugs?

[epath13]

I've just watched a program on the history channel, I believe, about drug use in US. How it was used in medicines and when people realized that certain drugs are addictive etc. Quite interesting actually. I personally think that people use drugs because they're not satisfied with their lives and can't find answers, that's it. Some people argue if government should legalize marijuana in US to fix the mess that previous drug laws has gotten the country into. Lots of people keep comparing US to the Netherlands. but will the same system work here?... I'm not sure. But then again maybe I'm wrong... One thing I'm quite sure of, Dutch folks are different from people here in US, so what works for them might not work for Americans....
It's not really a subject I'm extremely knowledgeable at but we live in the neighborhood where lots of people use and sell drugs. And I'm quite sure the reason people sell because, a lot will buy, a reason people buy because they don't think there's hope or alternative. Legal or illegal, it's still going to be the same.

 

[King_Oni]

As someone who did a fair share, I find it a no-brainer to reply here :lol:

Though, I must say, I never got addicted. I had quite some illegal substances around (just for me or friends, nothing like dealing or anything), and I could leave it untouched for weeks, months... (I don't say years, because, seriously, what's the use of having something around and not using it. I don't buy a bottle of soda to not consume it.). I used to do speed sometimes, did coke once... smoked some pot years ago, but that didn't interested me a bit. I hated being "slow" and "relaxed"... so yeah, the uppers did a lot more for me. I didn't use those drugs to boost confidence, I didn't use them out of sheer boredom, and I didn't use them because I was depressed. Though, I think it's safe to say, a friend of mine used it moreso because he got rather depressed.

So, why did I use it? I once did it because my back was killing me and I couldn't sleep or lie down. Walking did improve it a bit. So I took enough hits to stay up for 5 days straight. My backache was gone though. I looked for "advice" and that was pretty much "well, it should wear of in a few days". But with someone who likes to get his days "going" and not being in pain, I found it quite good. While I was on a high, I did the same stuff I used to, except more "intense" for lack of a better word. When I was at University, I did it sometimes, and studied 10+ hours straight for my exam, which I passed. Other times, my friend and I did it, and we just sat down, and had a conversation for 18 hours... without having a dull moment in between. I used to play videogames on drugs... so actually, why I did so? Because I thought, and still think, 24 hours a day is not enough. Even without drugs, I refrain from sleeping a lot (and sometimes I just don't sleep) because I have stuff to do... and I don't even have a job >.< so in a way, you're right with "I'm not satisfied with my life"... but with drugs I tend to expand that satisfaction unto a metaphysical realm. Also, senses are mostly more sensitive on drugs... I had the most awesome experiences with headphones on, a blindfold, drugs and music... that was pretty nice actually. Not to mention the entire deal that even stuff like tastebuds in your mouth are more sensitive and you have a broader scale of "taste". I can understand that people think this stuff is "bad"... and even more so if it's chemical and the entire discussion of "your body isn't supposed to be tested that way"... I usually oppose them with the entire "says who?" question. I for one enjoy extremes... though living with constant extremes dulls them down, so even I can say "usage if fine... until the drugs use you".

I should mention however, that even my closest friends back then did not have a clue whether I was high on speed or sober, because apparently my behaviour doesn't change that much. I got "complimented" some times, that when I was on drugs, that I actually acted more "human".

So, that's my experience a bit... now on to the program you're talking about, legalisation, and the comparison between the US and the Netherlands, and also... the entire human vs. addiction.

I think, legalisation would solve;
a. a lot of crime in regards to selling narcotics.
b. makes up for less "bad" drugs on the market, thus less people end up being hospitalized because of polluted drugs.
c. could be taxable, thus it even makes money.
d. would be more accepted, because it doesn't have the stigma of "illegal".

Against it would be;
a. there will probably be something else to be obtained "illegal"... perhaps a more potent drug, or just something totally different.
b. people could and would use it whenever they saw fit (more on that later)
c. people would be clearly against it, as means of "it's bad. period". But that's the same opposition alcohol has/gets, or smoking, or meat, or abortion, or...

If it would work for US people, as for Dutchies... I don't know. I think it's ridiculous to have some kind of witchhunt for someone who owns or smokes pot.

How are US vs. Dutch people different? Mentality?

As for addictions; that's the big problem here, I guess. Substance (ab)use, should have it's limits, to the extent that just like with alcohol people shouldn't drink past their own threshold. That might go wrong one time, but I think people are awfully thickheaded, stupid, ignorant... or just in a totally wrong societal/personal situation, where abuse is the answer. Rather then sending them to rehab, you're better off solving those problems. I mean... rehab is actually, just taking the problem here, and dropping it there. The problem still exists, and people will fall back into old habits if they can. I think, people who clean up after addictions, are the ones that did it out of boredom, and not those out of "problems".

I don't think, that the argument of DUI is valid here. People irresponsible enough to drive drunk, or under influence of drugs even, be it legal, or illegal, happens now, and I don't think it would happen any less. More... I don't know; I am inclined to say more though, because it would be available to everyone... but seriously, if someone really wanted to do drugs, one could obtain them.

A thing however, which is in against my own "legalisation" stance is; a drugrush doesn't always stop when you want to. If I have a job, come home at 6 and snort, swallow, smoke something... depending on the drug, I still might be kind trippy the next morning (even without sleep sometimes). That doesn't make up for good employees. But on the other hand, I am inclined to say... so actually, they're telling me what not to do in my spare time? I never had the urge to go drinking the night before and got up at 5 for work, but apparently the daytime schedule doesn't work that well for people who enjoy certain things. I think I can think of some other stuff that would make my functioning (or that of a friend) the next day at office pretty difficult, and it doesn't include any substances... really, really rough sex is one... but yeah, just an example.

People get addicted, because apparently, if something is fun, you enjoy doing that a lot. One could wonder, that, if drugs gives 3/4 of the people who use it, the sensation of fun, as opposed to "reality", isn't there something awfully wrong with either "reality" or with "their perception"?

I never blame a drug for being addictive, I blame people for not knowing when it's enough. On my own experience I reflected that, it wasn't the substance itself, but the "extremely sensitive senses" that made me want to go again. My mind, not my body wanted to. I had a, what I'd like to call "matrix-moment" (from that movie; in reference to the deal with Agent smith & Cypher, where he's eating the steak), my steak apparently tastes way better, and my sex is way better, in regards of "sensation and feeling"... but I also realized, perhaps I should make my steak differently, or have sex a different way... spice up my life; after all, spice is the variation of life... it's not "drug is the variation of life".

 

[BruceCM]

Well, in nice vague terms, people use drugs for all sorts of reasons! I'm not sure I'd equate 'addiction' to 'fun' or 'enjoy', exactly. Generally, I don't think making any drugs illegal has really worked very well, if at all. I think I'd go for legalzing them all & let people make up their own minds but, probably fortunately, I'm not in any position to do that. I'd certainly like it if dope was legal &, hopefully, cheaper, since I do smoke some of that, as it does help me relax & chill out. Alcohol is at least as dangerous & that's legal! Most people I know who smoked dope only found it helped them chill out, generally; those who got paranoid, etc, stopped taking it very quickly.
As for the 'there's something wrong with reality', you'd need something above & beyond most reality, like God, to discuss that. Otherwise, it'd have to be said to be our perceptions that may be 'wrong' but according to whose perceptions would that be judged? Very difficult to really discuss such stuff much! I'm up for trying to, if anybody wants.

 

[epath13]

@ King_Oni
I noticed that most of Dutch people tend to take rules and regulations more seriously than people in US, even if it might not appear that way but if you just compare...let's say people driving... or building regulations. It also appears to me that lots of people here base their decisions on emotions not logic. Emotions seem to have very high value here. I'm not saying Dutch people are not emotional but it's very different...
People believe in miracles, dreams, someone will bring them something on silver plate... not everyone of course but tremendous amount of people. It seems to me that Dutch people are just a little more down to earth. But I just base my opinion on personal experience.

 

[epath13]

Question to King_Oni. Just out of curiosity, do people actually hallucinate to the level of seeing a completely different world in front of them, or it's not that severe. Like for instance you're in a room but you're actually see yourself in the woods or something in my life I experience lots of weird stuff, due to temporal lobe issues or maybe it was a brain's normal response to certain meditation techniques, doesn't really matter, but it definitely wasn't like that

And @BruceCM
I've been returning to subject of perception again and again. At this point it seems to me that human beings somehow have trouble with complete perception of reality, because we can't just accept it, we have to explaint it, that's why there's always a struggle, that's why we're looking for something or someone to fill in the gap. I think the happiest people somehow have realized that acceptance doesn't equal understanding, but they can coexist parallel to each other... As for drugs, to me it's all quite simple. It's about an action and a risk of possible consequences, how much damage does it cause. In the end it's not really about opinions it's about facts. Even though somehow for many people opinions seem to be more important than facts...anyway, I believe the way we behave, think and make decisions is normal for current level of development of human race.

 

[Occasional_Demon]

I think a lot of the reason why people get addicted to drugs is a lack of awareness and education. A lot of anti-drug campaigns are in the vein of, "Drugs are bad, mmkay?" which doesn't really have much substance behind it.

I always look at places like the Netherlands, with the relaxed approach to cannabis, and it's like - it's not like the Netherlands is on the brink of collapse. I think people are much more blase about cannabis because they are informed about its effects and therefore can make informed, active choices about whether or not to partake, or how much. Whereas people who are less informed will keep on taking until they have taken so much that they fry their brains.

I think when you prohibit something, you increase its allure and also people don't know how to moderate their usage. Plus, a lot of drugs can give you pleasure.

Then again, I do believe that some drugs are dangerous enough that they should be removed, but I think it would be a lot more constructive to view the issue of drugs as a health concern, rather than as criminal.

 

[kasmanaft08]

The reason people do drugs is generally the same- you want to experience a new feeling. I think any further reasoning would depend on the drug. I personally have the opinion that anyone does it for any sort of 'intelligent' or semi-noble pupose is generally full of it. Just say you were curious if it helped or it seemed fun at the time. I think what you do with your own body is your business, you don't need to make up some long winded justification for other people.

I do agree with King_Oni's points on legalization. I don't think there's a perfect answer, honestly. But I'm happy he brought up whether or not it would work for the U.S.- a point people often miss when talking about alchohol or marijuana laws.

Here, signs say you have to look at least 16. Signs in the US will say question anyone who looks under 40. Once I turned 21, I started to understand why no one in Texas wanted 16-18 year olds to drink. But here, I never had that thought. The mix of dangers and what's seen as "normal" are different, I suppose.

As for marijuana, I can't imagine the maturity changing much in the U.S. if it were to be become legal. You have generations of one outlook towards it that can't be changed overnight. I get really annoyed with the argument that because it's legal here people handle it more maturely. I will straight up say, that is not the case. You get the same mix of immature and mature in both places. The only difference is that the mature ones are usually smarter about being quiet about it (or not doing it) where it's illegal, so it just seems that way. But people will still do drugs while being uninformed and people will still do drugs for shallow and naive reasons, like anywhere else. Just because the information may be there, doesn't mean people will take it. But alternatively, people often overlook the amount of people who are able to have mature outlooks and moderation with drugs in both places- people just pay attention to the people who don't. I think there's some bias there, honestly.

But I think legally, the government handles it much better here. There's no ridiculous fines or jail time for having a single joint, like there is in Texas. There's more options for rehab and safe places to be. I also constantly hear about how they want to bring about new regulations, taxes and banning here though. Mushrooms were somewhat recently made illegal from my understanding (although there's a weird loophole with magic truffles). But I doubt they would do that for marijuana [my theory is that it would hurt tourism, honestly lol].

 

[King_Oni]

Kas; While I can understand your opinion on anyone who does it for a "intelligent" or "semi-noble" purpose; I do think, that after the first time, it's less out of curiosity and more so out for more solid reasons. That is, if you use it with a goal in mind (which isn't solely gratification because you need your fix). The reason people justify doing drugs is acceptance I guess. I don't really care about it whenever someone tells me "you know, I do this and this sometimes". I'm usually more surprised if people claim "Me? No... I never did drugs and I never will". The only thing that comes to mind with a lot of people like that is "where's your sense of adventure" but still... I'm not wanting to judge anyone for not trying anything. It's always funny how some people try to come across as "crazy" and really "extreme" but they're actually quite conservative.

As to the entire alcohol debate... I've witnessed it again last saturday. Regardless of age, some people are just unbearable when they drank something. Well, obviously, I can't really speak for myself, as I don't witness myself after a couple of beers... but let's put it this way; in my life I have never gotten into a fight while I was intoxicated. Some people just have a low threshold, and are totally ignorant of it. I once spoke to some guy while he was sober and told him "man, as soon as you drink 2 beers, you're annoying". He replied with something like "yeah I know, but I like to drink a couple of beers at the bar". And that's what flies for most people if it comes to alcohol. "I like it sometimes" and in effect they're also saying "just put up with me". It makes me wonder how "egotistical" people apparently are... but that might be a maturity issue as well.

I do agree where you state that the people who apprently do something in moderation are usually overlooked and emphasis is on people who actually abuse it. It makes up for a bad social stigma, along with "drugs are illegal" of course. Besides the illegal issue, I find it difficult with people to argue on the "joy" drugs give, because they're biased. They're just "drugs are bad" but they don't have any valid reason why so. I'd ask those people "is there anything you like?" to which they reply "well, I like this and that". So, that releases dopamine and the whole package as well... what's wrong with having joy that way, or having joy this way. And it just goes down to "well, just because it's drugs, they're addictive and they're bad. Period". That to me, is no sensible argument. There's a lot that's bad for you, and there's a lot that's addictive. Heck... people can be treated for a sex addiction, and we don't outlaw that. People can have alcohol addictions and that's legal. There's so much stuff people can get addicted to, but as soon as you have something that "might be" addictive, and are actually means to go directly to the route of "fun", people think it's bad. Cause after all, stuff like speed (and even the more potent nephew Crystal meth) triggers a large dopamine rush. Dopamine is also released when you eat. Just in smaller amounts. It is however the reason why people feel somewhat "happy" when they're eating (or just after they had their food). I rather just forego the build-up and get straight to the point I guess. It's more efficient that way...

Speaking of efficient... I'll play the devil's advocate here about a funny discussion I had with a friend of mine. Earlier this year, when my friend still had a place of his own, I'd be hanging out there, sometimes for a few days. We both got short on cash (not as in poor-poor, but as in "let's see how to get by this month"). When we both used drugs, we'd actually spend less money a day on food, and the money used to obtain drugs was only a fraction of what we saved. So it was even a money saver. The 5 bucks we paid for the drugs, was enough for both of us, and for 5 bucks, we couldn't eat all day. Now... I am aware that not eating isn't healthy, but given we both had totally irregular lives (and also times when we ate), it made up for it quite a lot. I must say, however, that oddly enough I did not lose weight, lol. Not to mention, that we also used to work-out in his basement quite a lot.

Epath; Hallucinations might occur if you use hallucinogenic drugs, but none of what I did actually were those. I've heard stories of people who did though, both good and bad ones. I usually have quite a vivid imagination myself (not to mention my dreams sometimes, lol) so I doubt this would help me. What I could state is, that with speed and coke, your mind goes into overdrive. Thoughtprocesses flash by, and best of all, you "understand" it all. But at some point, there comes this moment where you kinda figured everything out and it's all downhill from there. I think you need mental challenges if you're doing uppers, or at least a good reason why to use em. Partying from friday afternoon to sunday evening sounds like a good reason to me, lol... but I'd strongly advocate against it, if you just intend to use uppers and sit on your couch doing nothing... that will really get you mental. That's where you start "seeing" and hearing stuff, but that's not hallucinating, that's moreso paranoia. Usually I was kinda bothered when after a party somewhere, I'd had to wait for my train for 2 hours... I really had to bring all kinds of stuff with me, ranging from books, notepads, my nintendo ds, mp3player and stuff like that. Just make sure you're busy.

About the entire deal with marijuana, the regulations and Holland... yeah, they're trying some stuff out, but it's more so in the border regions. I run into a lot of german, french and belgium people asking me where the nearest coffeeshop is. Apparently, they're intending to introduce a "card" system to keep all foreigners out from just coming in to buy some drugs. It's rediculous... because a. it shows how many people from abroad actually want to smoke pot. b. they're also putting a limit on the cards and promote is as a "club". Therefore, I likely don't own a card, and pretty much am treated like I'm from abroad. If I want to smoke a joint... even if it's just a single one in 5 years, I should be able to do so, and even moreso if it's a "legal" drug in this country. I feel it's something like WW2 where people with a yellow star on their jacket got treated different. Not to mention the social stigma one gets, if people notice you have "that card" in your pocket.

 

[CaramelCookie]

Some drugs are just really really fun... Not taking drugs is just not taking advantage of this life.

 

[King_Oni]

So, the last day or so I've been wondering on the drug thing. While I still take my stance in "drugs aren't as bad as they promote them to be" and it's a bit of the "if they'd legalize it, it would at least be clean(er)".

I've read a news article about a new drug... well, it isn't that new. It's a weird heroin bastard child called Krok. It's been around a few years now, and it's coming over from Russia. It's a drug which you have to inject and is more potent than Heroin. The "best" of it all, it can be cooked with regular household items and non-prescription drugs. The downside... it'll eat your tissue. You read that right... it litteraly eats your tissue up to exposing bone. People have had amputations because of it. That's where the name comes from.. it's derived from Krokodil (crocodile) as it leaves the users body maimed.

Now, I think we can agree that drugs, in any kind, if you "abuse" them, will leave damage. If you drink too much, you'll likely have problems with your liver and all. Smoking... heck, too much of anything actually.

But it bewilders me, that people that are really hooked on a drug, they actually know they're gonna die from this drug, or at least be visually scarred for life. It might be a lower class thing, but to some extent I just wonder if there isn't the "losing your arm over a few shots of heroin is quite absurd". It's a thing where experts claim it's a substitute for heroin but cheaper and easier available... thus apparently people are willing to go on a limb (pun intended) to get their fix, where I really think "oh man, this is getting really messed up". Governments aren't really doing anything about it.. and to some extent, what can they? Make every drug "prescription" so you can't have access to "raw materials"? If I have a headache, which isn't worth my GP's time, it's not viable to get that as prescription, but it's pills like that, which are ingredients in "contemporary" drugs. And even if they ban stuff... people got high from sniffing glue. We can't ban everything I guess... well, you could, but that, in my opinion isn't solving a problem. It's kinda chastising people. Making it legal should to some extent get some people who use and want to use it from now injecting toxins in their bodies, end up in clinics and waste time and money of good medical service, which is spent elsewhere for well.. "better" purpose.

I've read people on forums who are "well, if they're gonna die from it, it solves the problem itself". Until someone on a high causes accidents or does something which involves them in some way... then it's "we should solve this now!". Also, it seems that, cause this drug is cooked by stuff like Iodine, which apparently leaves a nasty smell in clothes (which have to be burned as you couldn't wash it out, or so I've heard) but also, if I cook this stuff in appartments, you could pretty much deem those "unhabitable" cause of the odors, not to mention that being exposed to that could leave nerve damage... even if you don't use it but live in such a.. well "smelly" place.

But yeah... it's something that crossed my mind the last day or so...

 

[epath13]

So, the last day or so I've been wondering on the drug thing. While I still take my stance in "drugs aren't as bad as they promote them to be" and it's a bit of the "if they'd legalize it, it would at least be clean(er)".

I've read a news article about a new drug... well, it isn't that new. It's a weird heroin bastard child called Krok. It's been around a few years now, and it's coming over from Russia. It's a drug which you have to inject and is more potent than Heroin. The "best" of it all, it can be cooked with regular household items and non-prescription drugs. The downside... it'll eat your tissue. You read that right... it litteraly eats your tissue up to exposing bone. People have had amputations because of it. That's where the name comes from.. it's derived from Krokodil (crocodile) as it leaves the users body maimed.

I think it's kinda funny. There's a story in Russia about a crocodile who walks on the streets and says that it will swallow you alive...I'm not sure what was the point, i don't remember the story but yeah... and I think some people are so desperate they quite possible have if not conscious but maybe subconscious death wish. I bet in my neighborhood lots of people have that. There's a man crying on the street "Devil get away from here in the name of Jesus". He is probably insane but maybe not. when I looked at him I saw sorrow. And all this in civilized country. And I think it is a very good symbol of general atmosphere in 1000s of neighborhoods like ours. Some people choose to suffer or not to care, some choose an illusion... I know for some people drugs is more or less harmless fun, but for many, if they realize it or not, an escape. Well I guess the escape just become a little more dangerous. Even though... I don't think people who use it will care.

 

[Kollide]

I heard of that Krokodil crud and have seen videos of users with their bones showing and big chunks of flesh easily being peeled off. Very horrible. Why aren't these heroin addicts just getting methadone (then again I only know a bit about this Krokodil stuff from what a friend told me, so I guess it could be being used in places where methadone's not legally/easily obtainable or they're too poor or something), but even let alone methadone you can get just get raw/dried poppy pods and either cook opium or, even easier (and something I used to do I'll admit and got very addicted to for many months) is just grind up the dry pods and make tea out of them or simply down big ammounts of the powder in drink. This gives a long, drawn out mild but definitely noticeable and noddy morphine feeling, it would certainly stop heroin addicts from getting sick anyway (although the best thing to do is try and get the heck off all opiates altogether of course, especially heroin, unless you're rich and getting high is top priority in your life, or if you're poor and getting high takes away the pains of the struggle... or if you just feel drugs are the only thing that can keep you living happily, which was/has been my problem for a long time)...

I've done all sorts, and whilst drugs have on the one hand inspired me to write songs and enjoy myself more than when sober, they have also kind of made it harder to stay clean and enjoy life without them. But like has been philosophised on here by other posters, drugs are a part of life really - anything that can be absorbed to make oneself happier and is there for the picking - even manmade drugs, seeing as you have to brew tea or cook pork to consume either - are the fruits of life and should be there for the picking by anyone who enters this time of existence. Your life is pre-planned with rules and bans on things you had no say on when you were old enough to have an opinion on it. Think about that. Or don't, just think about shiny horses or dinosaurs...

You know, the only time drugs became a real problem for me was when I took LSD. It basically triggered my OCD/mild tourettes (which turned into a full-blown OCD/tourettes/social phobia action thing over time), a thought process that I feared out of anxiety which gradually got worse and worse until it affected my daily life. This is when I started drinking every day instead of getting high every day (I smoked weed since I was about 15 daily, it was an ritualistic, obsessive habit).

A few months ago (around April/May sort of time), I overdosed by mistake on a legal benzodiazepene made in Russia. I thought this would be my way out of OCD/tic hell and was already addicted to and had a massive tolerance to opium poppy pods. I got knocked out and completely messed over for around two weeks (my mother thought I had a tumour or something), I could barely if at all walk, I slept mostly constantly, I knocked things over - I think I only left bed to go get water and lost a lot of weight in those two weeks. Also I have extreme amnesia about this time, as that's what the drug causes anyway (even in lower doses), so I learnt or things that I'd done came back to me after being told by my mother. Anyway, after I finally was able to get up and move, I realised I'd completely lost my OCD/tic problems - it had cured them whilst I was on the drug. I went to the doctor coincedentally at the exact same time my mother had gone to see the doctor about me - I basically must've heard my mother leave in the car, I rang the clinic and learnt she was waiting to have an appointment with him then), so I got my shoes on and walked as fast as I could to the surgery and pretty much barged into the appointment that had just begun as I got there, so I was able to explain everything I'd done to my mother and my doctor. I remember doing a hand signal with a thumbs-down sign and moving my arm up and down when explaining I'd done something really stupid, and my doctor went, "what's this?", as I must've been stuck in that motion well after explaining exactly what I'd done. So yeah, I was still very much out of it...

Anyway, soon after I was more aware and OK and able to get up and do things, I woke up one morning and instantly went, "xxxx! I PLAY GUITAR AND SING! I'M GONNA GO BUSK!", and so I did, and I made about ?40 that day would you believe. My social anxiety and tic had been completely relieved bcause of this drug and I got busking nearly every single day (whilst still dabbing the benzo powder I had). Even though I was out and about every day and temporarily cured doing well with myself compared with my reclusive anxious life-is-over state before this, I still couldn't really remember my days that much, and most of it is a blur. All I know is I just must've seemed eccentric and confident, and was able to show off and busk all the time (doing a few open-mic nights too after everyone thought I had just cracked out of my shell and I was ok again). But really I was a mess when performing indoors, falling off my stool, playing really roughly and messily - I don't really remember too much. Oh my god this is long, sorry -_- anyway, I coincedentally then found someone who sold and had vast quantities of valium, so I got to buying and consuming that stuff instead of the phenazepam as it didn't cause such bad amnesia, yet I was problem-free while on it. Every time I ran out of benzos though, I was back to my horrible anxious, OCD reclusive/alcoholic-to-go-out and/or relieve my problems self...

So after some time of gaining a super high tolerance to valium (I was able to take up to around 120mg of valium throughout a day and be OK/alive, I decided to go on a benzo reduction program/course. I'm still on it now, though recently since my tolerance has gone down I've been taking much more than I should after having gotten bored of sober life and not going out much anymore, and I was doing opiates again and lying to my mother and doctor saying I'd been clean off everything except for my reduction medication. Only on Tuesday I ran out of some Methadone which some guy persuaded me to buy (seeing as I couldn't keep getting away with buying cocodamol all the time), which I bought on Friday after taking a large amount of valium -_-. But yeah, it relieved my tic/OCD and social anxiety problem again, yet I still chose to buy green liquid hell. Luckily I got through the stuff as quickly as possible (this is not the first time I'd bought some of this stuff off this guy), so I shouldn't suffer such bad withdrawals if any at all, but I'm unlikely to feel very normal for a few weeks as long as I stay clean...

I really want to LIVE, but I can't when I seem to keep getting stuck in this low-confidence, repetitive anxiety-related action that prevents me from going out and just being a confident, happy me. What aggrivates and worries me though is the only thing that seems to really stop/lower this problem is benzodiazepenes and knowing that someone out there would date me if possible - or even just having a friend who I find really attractive both in personality and looks. The former seems to hold stronger though, but then without any motive or belief in myself ever having love/a relationship/being able to do what I strive in my heart to do, I don't think I'd do anything such as talk about it here or try to have relationships of any sort - I just slip back into taking drugs to keep my idle existence temporarily happy/high...

I really worry for my future. I want to travel, I want to work, but none of this means anything if I can't have some sort of a relationship/s which is special and works. So I don't know, I guess I'm going to have to just try hard to get completely clean whilst finding some passion to spend my time on. Maybe writing, like I am now? I think I should write a book, but I've not really even read many books... sigh... I don't know. Any thoughts would be appreciated, but I guess I just felt like adding to this thread.

So why do people use drugs? Well, I think I've explained why I use them, but I used to use them to have fun and fuel creating music/stuff when I was younger and more care-free. I still had problems though, and now I sadly can't even smoke a spliff without it likely causing me anxiety/paranoia. -_- I've written way too much I think.... I shall stop. The End.