Why does it have to be this hard?

[paloftoon]

Making acquaintances has become relatively easy.

People use the word "friend" so loosely.

We live in such a lonely world though. What do you do when you need to depend on someone? I guess you have to ask this person for this and that person for that. You try to thank them for what you can, but you also don't want people to step all over you too.

There's so much to compete with: appearances, intelligence, personality, race, single or married, economic status. I can understand a lot more when it comes to a romance, but for a friendship, it should not as hard as it has been. People are quick to assume and many don't want to even give you a chance. It doesn't even always have to be the popular ones per se.

I have had people tell me before that I need to see a psychologist, and I have tried this a few times here and there. It has just gotten to the point where I don't feel like someone like that will fill in this void I have. I psychologist is someone you can talk to about situations, but they can't be your friend or person you hang out with because it's still a professional relationship. When people say that, it feels like a "cop out" because it really implies that they just want to push you away "nicely" and that they don't want to hang with you.

I put myself in as many different groups as I can in which I have a common interest with that person. Sometimes I'll initiate contact. But I won't always be the one to keep initiating contact. I try to look for how to connect with people. I realize that I have to try to live a life where I connect with certain people differently with others, and that I may not be able to connect fully with one person or a few people per se. I realize that some people will only help when they feel like it even if I'm in a desperate situation where I ask for help and where I'm even willing to pay in some way to show my gratitude.

I try to keep a good balance of work and social. I feel I'm doing at least okay. I don't feel that happy, but I don't feel it's my fault that much if at all at this point either.

I'm glad I have family, but it would be helpful for more deeper connections. I'm asking for a lot, but I know it's not too much because the same type of respect and friendship would have to be earned from me too.

 

[Suzanne]

Because the world is dominated by nts that is why! Oh for anyone who reads this and thinks I am being unfair; please bare in mind that I am surrounded by nts and thus, do have a certain amount of authority on what it feels like to interact with them!

I agree that "friend" is thrown about too liberally. To me a friend is someone who knows you so well that what ever they say, is to benefit you or if mistakes are made, "if"? That they can easily be solved and get back on track; that it is a give and take and the same back; that you do not feel lonely because you know you can always pick up the phone to chat. Friendship is a two way situation but most often, abused and then, to us apsies, get very confusing.

I do have a real friend now and ironically, she is the age group that I have always run away from, even when I was their age ie she is to be 20 this year. She is a true friend and that is despite us only chatting on facebook. I have another friend and this one posed as a challenge to me, because she definitely proves her worth, but also proves quite the contrary too and I find that very difficult to handle. But what I discovered is when you put them first, they end up demanding to know how you feel.

I am terrible with strangers and even now, I find it most difficult to just go up to people or interrupt a conversation. Even on here on chat, I cannot just say something; but when someone says hi to me, I am ok.

I too am not alone, for I have my husband and he does try hard to work with me. But although he is kind of getting used to the idea that I am an aspie, it tends to be a loose I understand. So he uses it to try and "improve" me, but there is a different quality about me these days and I am able to counter argue a lot better, although I do go into surreal mode; for it feels so alien to actually initiate a "confrontation".

I am happy to not be quick to make friends now. It really is not a big issue for me. Spent simply years trying to understand the concept of friendship and now that I get it a bit, I realise that no one truly has friends and ironically, I believe we aspies understand more than nts half the time.

 

[Slithytoves]

People use the word "friend" so loosely. We live in such a lonely world though. What do you do when you need to depend on someone?

I've thought a lot about the many aspects of modern life that have eroded the meaning of "friend" and made finding real connections more difficult. I hear the same sort of laments from NTs and Aspies/Auties alike.

It's rough on us when we try to reach out to people for friendship and find ourselves the only ones putting in the effort, or when we need help but have no one to turn to. It's defeating. As busy as people are, and as many distractions as we have, it seems like the space for new friends is shrinking while the list of qualifications that would make someone appealing for friendship is expanding. The older we get, the harder it is to fit into new people's lives.

It sounds like you're being proactive; joining groups where you are more likely to share common interests with others. If that isn't working, maybe seeing a psychologist or counselor would help. Not because they could ever substitute for friendship, but because it seems you may be feeling so defeated or lonely that you might be giving off a vibe that discourages people. That happens. Or maybe you are missing some pieces of the socialization puzzle that you really need to be aware of. Talking things through with a counselor can help with both. They can help you reframe your self-image, review your social approach, and even role-play if you need help with scenarios. I won't waste your time with the usual list of "Dos and Don'ts" we see here all of the time. Ill just tell you you aren't alone in your loneliness, and that you can in fact find help to improve your chances of overcoming it.

I wish you the very best, paloftoon. From your posts, I've always thought you're a nice person to know.

Because the world is dominated by nts that is why! Oh for anyone who reads this and thinks I am being unfair; please bare in mind that I am surrounded by nts and thus, do have a certain amount of authority on what it feels like to interact with them!

I found this puzzling. We're all surrounded by NTs, first of all. Secondly, plenty of Aspies have successful friendships with NT people. I personally have several of long duration. The "world full of NTs" argument is a red herring and counterproductive in most cases, this one included. The issues here are about loneliness and the need for stronger connections with people. These are universal problems. Just listen to "Eleanor Rigby". Blaming the dominant majority certainly isn't the answer; it just alienates us further.

 

[SingaSong]

Making acquaintances has become relatively easy.

People use the word "friend" so loosely.

We live in such a lonely world though. What do you do when you need to depend on someone? I guess you have to ask this person for this and that person for that. You try to thank them for what you can, but you also don't want people to step all over you too.

There's so much to compete with: appearances, intelligence, personality, race, single or married, economic status. I can understand a lot more when it comes to a romance, but for a friendship, it should not as hard as it has been. People are quick to assume and many don't want to even give you a chance. It doesn't even always have to be the popular ones per se.

I have had people tell me before that I need to see a psychologist, and I have tried this a few times here and there. It has just gotten to the point where I don't feel like someone like that will fill in this void I have. I psychologist is someone you can talk to about situations, but they can't be your friend or person you hang out with because it's still a professional relationship. When people say that, it feels like a "cop out" because it really implies that they just want to push you away "nicely" and that they don't want to hang with you.

I put myself in as many different groups as I can in which I have a common interest with that person. Sometimes I'll initiate contact. But I won't always be the one to keep initiating contact. I try to look for how to connect with people. I realize that I have to try to live a life where I connect with certain people differently with others, and that I may not be able to connect fully with one person or a few people per se. I realize that some people will only help when they feel like it even if I'm in a desperate situation where I ask for help and where I'm even willing to pay in some way to show my gratitude.

I try to keep a good balance of work and social. I feel I'm doing at least okay. I don't feel that happy, but I don't feel it's my fault that much if at all at this point either.

I'm glad I have family, but it would be helpful for more deeper connections. I'm asking for a lot, but I know it's not too much because the same type of respect and friendship would have to be earned from me too.

I agree that for me acquaintance is quite easy but very quickly if there is anything personal I don't cope at all. I have no friends for even basic things like going to the cinema, if something bad happens. While my parents are alive this just about works, but I fear the time when they can't help me.
I too have joined groups (choirs and a book group are examples)and I tried to make friends. I really didn't know how. I don't know how to get past talking about the subject of the group. I might ask the other person about themselves, but I have never managed to get to a point of extending the relationship to a friendship outside of it. I want to be able to invite someone for a coffee or to the pub, but sonething inside me just stops me.

Recently I've joined these groups and not tried to make friends. This is because when I did I put a lot of pressure on myself to approach people. I didn't cope and I ended up feeling like a failure making friends. Also I did not enjoy the activity itselfbecauseI was worrying about the break or the end of the session when I pressured myself to try to be friendly.

 

[paloftoon]

. . .

It's rough on us when we try to reach out to people for friendship and find ourselves the only ones putting in the effort, or when we need help but have no one to turn to. It's defeating. As busy as people are, and as many distractions as we have, it seems like the space for new friends is shrinking while the list of qualifications that would make someone appealing for friendship is expanding. The older we get, the harder it is to fit into new people's lives.

It sounds like you're being proactive; joining groups where you are more likely to share common interests with others. If that isn't working, maybe seeing a psychologist or counselor would help. Not because they could ever substitute for friendship, but because it seems you may be feeling so defeated or lonely that you might be giving off a vibe that discourages people. That happens. Or maybe you are missing some pieces of the socialization puzzle that you really need to be aware of. Talking things through with a counselor can help with both. They can help you reframe your self-image, review your social approach, and even role-play if you need help with scenarios. I won't waste your time with the usual list of "Dos and Don'ts" we see here all of the time. Ill just tell you you aren't alone in your loneliness, and that you can in fact find help to improve your chances of overcoming it.

I wish you the very best, paloftoon. From your posts, I've always thought you're a nice person to know.
. ..

I have been to counselors on and off. That last time I was with one, he was good. It didn't help me though because I think I had matured a lot, and everything he was trying to suggest, I was definitely doing and then some.

On a slightly positive note, I've been having some complicated computer issues, and a nice realness to some people has been showing. I kind of get the sense that there are people who want to be too slow about warming up to me, even though people would be more likely to trust me with their million dollars than most people I know. . .

 

[paloftoon]

. . .

Recently I've joined these groups and not tried to make friends. This is because when I did I put a lot of pressure on myself to approach people. I didn't cope and I ended up feeling like a failure making friends. Also I did not enjoy the activity itself because I was worrying about the break or the end of the session when I pressured myself to try to be friendly.

Maybe after a year, make an invite to one person at a time, pick your favorite, preferably someone not to popular, and see if they are beat around the bush, if they trade contact information, etc. If they act dependable, then can slowly give them more of a chance. We also have to keep in mind that said person can be scatterbrained or unfocused too. I have a friend who is apparently scatterbrained, and the only reason he is still my friend is because there was a moment where he just got honest with me 1-1 and told me that he saw how I lived my life, and that it made his life much easier. Then he revealed to me how forgetful he can be and apologized for anything he may've done to hurt me or make me feel overly inconvenienced. I accepted his apology and thanked him for his honesty. I know not to depend on him if I don't have to, but I still enjoy his company even if it's last minute. It helps that he does initiate contact once in a great while or so too. . .