Why does nobody click with me

[Aaa111]

The issue is not even that I don't click with anyone. I try to make friends everywhere, talk to everyone, but everyone just tells me we do not click or that they do not vibe with me. And by everyone I mean literally EVERYONE. I had the same thing in elementary school, middle school, high school and even now in college. I talked to thousands of different people in my life and EVERYBODY either said we do not click or did not give any effort back (as in, did not start conversations with me, did not consider me their friend). What this resulted in is having basically zero friends all my life.
It truly sucks because I wish I could have fun in life with friends. It is so unfair that others have their amazing friend groups they can travel or party with meanwhile for me it is like I am destined to be alone forever. I did have small hope that it might be bc of my social skills but I found a super discouraging thread on another forums where people said "I have bad social skills but still lots of friends because I am easy to vibe with" or "you can have nice conversations but there will never be a friendship if you don't vibe" and it hurt me on the inside because it basically confirms my thoughts about me being destined to be with nobody.

 

[Cryptid]

Are you friendly? Are you interesting? Do you have a skill or talent that benefits other people?

 

[Aaa111]

1. Yes
2. No idea
3. Well I am good at studying so I guess?

 

[Cryptid]

1. That's a good place to start.
2. If no one is interested in a long-term relationship with you, then the answer is likely 'No'.
3. Studying does not benefit others. A (marketable) skill is something like baking, carpentry, et cetera. A (popular) talent is something like painting, acting, singing or playing an instrument.

 

[VictorR]

If it helps you feel less alone, I didn't make any friends right through my undergraduate studies, though I did have some acquaintances and was involved in a number of things on campus.

I think school is one of those places where depending on your personality, it can either be very easy or very hard to make friends and connections.

It was only at a longer term job where I started to know my coworkers well and vice versa that I started making some work friends whom I now know outside of work as well.

I've also made friends here and in other communities, often the same way - that after getting to know one another, we find we have things in common and are on similar or complementary wavelengths.

 

[Aaa111]

1. That's a good place to start.
2. If no one is interested in a long-term relationship with you, then the answer is likely 'No'.
3. Studying does not benefit others. A (marketable) skill is something like baking, carpentry, et cetera. A (popular) talent is something like painting, acting, singing or playing an instrument.

How does studying not benefit others? Considering we are in college and people often study together

 

[Cryptid]

If you are teaching what you study, then that is helpful; but if you are only studying in the same room together without sharing what you have learned, then it isn't.

Again, what marketable skills and/or popular talents do you have? The more, the better.

 

[Aspychata]

I have to agree with @VictorR , schools are so random. I never made friends in school. And l ran around a lot on anxiety, like my entire life was anxiety mixed with boredom. College, and the Uni was great because there wasn't social pressure.
Just because you didn't make friends doesn't make you unworthy, it just didn't happen. With friendship, you can't come on strong. That's really important. Please don't give up. Maybe develop some interests outside of studies, and you will meet people. Today's culture is very much glued to their phones, so l believe that sours people to feel motivated to make friends. Maybe don't take it so personally? Just a suggestion.

 

[Seladon]

It’s as painful hanging around with people with whom you don’t share a ‘click’ or connection, as it is not having anyone around at all. That ‘lonely in a crowd/group’ feeling is awful.

Looking back, that was my experience of school—despite being at the bottom of the social hierarchy, still I always had a gaggle of fellow misfit ‘friends’ around, but honestly I only ever felt connected to one or two of them, while the rest of us were just using each other a mutual bully-repelling human shields. Safety in numbers, I suppose. Very sad to reflect on that, and probably part of why I didn’t bother to make any friends in Uni or at my last jobs.

One can’t help but feel apathetic about friendship or ‘the click’ when stepping out of the Matrix to realise how few of these connections out in the world are meaningful, honest and reciprocal bonds of affinity, not just mutual using. Some people I know in my community openly admit to not really liking the people they ‘befriend’ or hang out with. No wonder everyone has trust issues?

 

[Aaa111]

I have to agree with @VictorR , schools are so random. I never made friends in school. And l ran around a lot on anxiety, like my entire life was anxiety mixed with boredom. College, and the Uni was great because there wasn't social pressure.
Just because you didn't make friends doesn't make you unworthy, it just didn't happen. With friendship, you can't come on strong. That's really important. Please don't give up. Maybe develop some interests outside of studies, and you will meet people. Today's culture is very much glued to their phones, so l believe that sours people to feel motivated to make friends. Maybe don't take it so personally? Just a suggestion.

So with classmates, there won't be any more chances now?

 

[VictorR]

Something I'd like to ask is are you truly you when you talk to and interact with others?

What I mean by this is are you trying to adapt to others when you're communicating with them? Sometimes masking and trying to fit in with others may work, but only to the extent that the mask comes off and then that leaves the other party confused because they now see two different versions of you - with the mask and when you're truly yourself. And if they had only liked the masked version of you, then there's a significant risk of things falling apart. The same also applies if someone wears multiple masks.

What you want in a friend is someone who appreciates you for who you naturally are. For those of us who are neurodivergent, this can be tougher. Many of us don't have many friends, but those we have, we're often close with.

I hope that you'll continue your search, and that in good time, that you find the connections you seek.

 

[Hypnalis]

How does studying not benefit others? Considering we are in college and people often study together

So with classmates, there won't be any more chances now?

An exercise for you: think about the context of this thread, and the likely effect those two statements have on people looking for ways to be helpful. Write a line or two about each statement from that perspective.

There isn't one correct answer, but I can give you an answer. But only you you make a serious attempt first (max 4 lines total - I'm not asking for an essay

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I'm sorry you've been having it tough on the friends front. I agree with @VictorR, school and college are special areas. In school, either it works or it doesn't. At college, I have found it way harder to make friends than at school where you spend all day together, including breaks and free periods. At college, it seemed like everyone already had their group from the beginning. It took me 6 years of uni to form 2 close relationships.

I found a super discouraging thread on another forums where people said "I have bad social skills but still lots of friends because I am easy to vibe with" or "you can have nice conversations but there will never be a friendship if you don't vibe"

I find these statements discouraging and, frankly, also not very thoughtful. Also, what does it even mean to "vibe"?
Maybe this: I found that with some people it feels a lot easier to spend time with and to talk. Usually, this resulted from a combination of shared interests, a similar way of communicating (getting really excited and monopolizing the conversation about these shared interests) and a certain similarity in social skills/conventions. I would say by that definition that I have friends whom I "vibe" with, some friends whom I "don't vibe" with, and also some acquaintances whom I "vibe" with but, for some reason or other, we're not friends (yet).
Now that I think about it, the people I "vibe" with, as described above, seem to be all to some extent neurodivergent. I haven't chosen them actively for this, but in retrospect, I guess I found it easier with them. But I have also met neurodivergent people whom I didn't get on with at all.
The friends I have whom I don't "vibe" with are still close to me, but the interaction with them feels somewhat more difficult, heavier and leaves me more drained than happy.

Maybe you could do something with that definition I have. An important aspect for me seems to be shared interests and a similar way of communicating and of acting during an interaction. Maybe you could start with that? Think what your interests are and see if you can meet people through that, and among those people look whether there are some who seem similar to you in their way of acting and communicating?

 

[Storm Hess]

One thing I learned the hard way was that I had to be interested (or try to pretend to be) in what the other person was saying or doing. From what I have gathered, it's all about ego stroke and giving the focal spotlight instead of receiving it. I do have a difficult time with this, which is probably why I do not have any friends. I can honestly say that it really doesn't bother me much.

 

[Xinyta]

One thing I learned the hard way was that I had to be interested (or try to pretend to be) in what the other person was saying or doing. From what I have gathered, it's all about ego stroke and giving the focal spotlight instead of receiving it. I do have a difficult time with this, which is probably why I do not have any friends. I can honestly say that it really doesn't bother me much.

Yes and no, in regards to the ego thing.

I will agree there is a level of that kinda thing. But yes. People are looking for caring and compassion, like anyone. There is helping feed thier ego on some level. But if that's all it is. That can turn into a one sided endeavor, if over done by a person or people, toward the target recipient.

Though reading what you said. It made me think about my Dad. He is the type that loves always getting his ego stroked. He's pretty well addicted to it, due to insecurities of his own.

 

[Seladon]

One thing I learned the hard way was that I had to be interested (or try to pretend to be) in what the other person was saying or doing. From what I have gathered, it's all about ego stroke and giving the focal spotlight instead of receiving it. I do have a difficult time with this, which is probably why I do not have any friends. I can honestly say that it really doesn't bother me much.

This ime is true of most people, especially personality-disordered or insecure allistics/non-autistics.

Some though find it suspicious and off-putting. I.e. if I suspect someone is gassing me up or sucking up to me or mirroring me, I become sceptical and withdraw, not enjoying or trusting their company and their perspective. Probably comes off being lovebombed in the past.

 

[Tom]

So with classmates, there won't be any more chances now?

I think that's a very good example of distorting a resonse and making a negative out of it. No that's not all all what was said and there were some good positive ideas for you.

But don't think this is rare. I've seen quite a few people over the years here and on other autism forums do it. So much so that I would guess something at work (ie defense mechanism, etc). But I don't know shrink stuff and hate trying to even spell 'Psychology' every single time, so am on shaky ground.

In these cases I just generalize and think, the person is not ready or perhaps not able to process and work with advice/suggestions.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Tom
You're right - this one doesn't need specialist training to recognize

 

[Aaa111]

I think that's a very good example of distorting a resonse and making a negative out of it. No that's not all all what was said and there were some good positive ideas for you.

But don't think this is rare. I've seen quite a few people over the years here and on other autism forums do it. So much so that I would guess something at work (ie defense mechanism, etc). But I don't know shrink stuff and hate trying to even spell 'Psychology' every single time, so am on shaky ground.

In these cases I just generalize and think, the person is not ready or perhaps not able to process and work with advice/suggestions.

@Tom
You're right - this one doesn't need specialist training to recognize

An exercise for you: think about the context of this thread, and the likely effect those two statements have on people looking for ways to be helpful. Write a line or two about each statement from that perspective.

There isn't one correct answer, but I can give you an answer. But only you you make a serious attempt first (max 4 lines total - I'm not asking for an essay

I did not want to make anyone who's trying to be helpful sad - I also did not intend to come off as closed. It might all be a result of being excluded all my life, now also possible trauma due to recently getting out of an abusive relationship. I do try to find professional help but it is almost impossible in my country - either you get someone dismissive or 2 years of waiting time

 

[Hypnalis]

We're talking about two things. Connected, but still two things.

The exercise was intended to get you to think about the effect your statements have on the audience.
The two I quoted are mildly "vibe-killing", but for slightly different reasons. You should do the exercise.

The one Tom mentioned is similar, but directed at everyone reading and replying to this thread.

Even if you have good reasons that incline you to use this style of communication, it's still your choice what you say.
The way to understand the possible effects of different topics and different styles of communication is to think about what your audience hears and how they're likely to react to what you say (or intend to say).

Note that I'm not promising this will actually solve any specific issues. But many Aspies need to improve in this general area, and it's not difficult to do so.
(being as good an the average NT takes time, but you can keep using the same techniques to improve continuously - sooner or later you'll "catch up"

Last point - I found some web sites that might be relevant later, but I think it's a bit too soon for that yet.