Why don't I fit in with other autistic people?

[Ephraim Becker]

Why don't I fit in with other autistic people? Every camp I go to (all of them were special ed or special ed inclusive), everybody thinks me as retarded or stupid. Even the autistic people think that. All people look at is my immature behavior and think me as retarded, weird, and nasty. Those other autistic people get along with each other just fine. I'm very mad about this. Even after 2 years. They don't give me a chance to show everybody what i'm good at. Another thing that is weird is that some NTs are interested in me, but it doesn't make any sense at all. They don't have anything in common with me at all while a lot of special ed people have a lot of common interests that I have and are not interested in me at all. I can't take this anymore! This is too confusing and annoying. I want to make friends with people i'm comfortable with. What should I do?

Edit: A user on WrongPlanet, who's user profile displayed his age as 20 (same as mine) and gender as male (same as mine), typed something nasty in my thread on WrongPlanet. His post is at this link: How do I convince my 8 year old sister to remain cute? | Wrong Planet Autism Community Forum

 

[Alcyon]

Maybe the NTs are indicating that they think there is some common ground?

They might be right...

 

[Streetwise]

Why don't I fit in with other autistic people? Every camp I go to (all of them were special ed or special ed inclusive), everybody thinks me as retarded or stupid. Even the autistic people think that. All people look at is my immature behavior and think me as retarded, weird, and nasty. Those other autistic people get along with each other just fine. I'm very mad about this. Even after 2 years. They don't give me a chance to show everybody what i'm good at. Another thing that is weird is that some NTs are interested in me, but it doesn't make any sense at all. They don't have anything in common with me at all while a lot of special ed people have a lot of common interests that I have and are not interested in me at all. I can't take this anymore! This is too confusing and annoying. I want to make friends with people i'm comfortable with. What should I do?

Edit: A user on WrongPlanet, who's user profile displayed his age as 20 (same as mine) and gender as male (same as mine), typed something nasty in my thread on WrongPlanet. His post is at this link: How do I convince my 8 year old sister to remain cute? | Wrong Planet Autism Community Forum

Hello Ephraim its streetwise maybe your not introverted enough especially if you have the courage to introduce yourself
I had nt friends???
but the mental health disorder I have has killed that .
Just keep trying socialising is not instant success every time
Stopping

 

[Suzanne]

I think you will find it is because of your strange obsession with wanting your sister to stay young, so she can remain cute; the trouble is that is how peodophiles work; are sexually attracted to young children and so, people, whether they are aspies, auties or nts, will see the red flags go up.

In your aspie or autie brain, you cannot fathom why people are against you, since your "attraction" is a non sexual one; you just find her cute as heck and really do not want that to change.

I have had to learn that just because we have things on common, does not mean that best friends will occur, because it is what we have in common that is the key.

I do not fit in anywhere. I notice that people talk to me in other a stunted politeness or as though I was a child and it is obviously the aura we have causes one to react, which is upsetting, when you try your hardest to be accepted but are not.

You also have to learn to recognise who you can be open and honest to. I have tripped up so many times, but am finally appreciating that there are some things that are best left unsaid.

 

[Mr Allen]

I've spent most of my life around other disabled people including mentally handicapped, people in wheelchairs, people with Down's, all sorts, so I'm kind of used to it.

I do prefer hanging with able bodied people though, I tend to find disabled people don't have much conversation.

 

[Ephraim Becker]

I have had to learn that just because we have things on common, does not mean that best friends will occur, because it is what we have in common that is the key.

I know, but at least those other autistic people should be better friends with me than those NTs.

 

[Suzanne]

I know, but at least those other autistic people should be better friends with me than those NTs.

Not necessary, Ephraim Becker. I do know what you mean though, because in logic it should be like that, but we are all still individuals and thus have different personalities. Just like nts who do not all get on all the time.

 

[Caitie33]

I find that there are either people I'm comfortable around or not. If not I will not say a word, if I am I talk a lot. I think its part because I'm so starved for social interaction. Then I can hold a decent conversation for awhile, maybe even get to the point it starts to feel like someone is my friend, so I get more comfortable and say more. Then they ghost me. This happens with NTs as well as other people who I think are different like me. Like Suzanne said I am learning some things are better unsaid. I am learning to be more guarded. I am learning that to fit it you have to talk and act "normal", but not say too much. It is a hard balance for me but it is something I'm trying to be more aware of and work on. Especially after the last time I got burned telling someone who I thought was my friend too much and learning they are just a fake and a gossip.

 

[Judge]

I would think that for those of us on the spectrum that there's utterly no guarantee that we will "fit in" with any one particular group. Including our own kind.

That socialization itself remains a lifelong struggle that more often than not, doesn't cut us any breaks.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

What are you like around other people, do you tend to 'put your foot into it'? Or are you just very quiet?

During school I found the best approach was to try and play it smart in conversations. Follow the 'less is more' rule. Don't just throw in any old random crap that pops into your head. I found that I could actually make friends with people who are reputable and get along fairly well with acquaintances by the end of school even after some bad blunders at the start of the experience. I don't know if that helps.

The few times I've been in circles with other autistic people it has been quite hard to fit in, mainly because they don't know how to have a conversation and I'm only partly good at it myself. Sort of like having a dance partner, I can do the social dance all right as long as the other person is more or less capable of 'dancing' too, I can't be the leader or teach them to 'dance' with me. So I think I probably get on better with friendly allistic people really. Bit of a shame because I think autistic people have a lot to say and offer to a conversation, like a lot of people on this site. I would like to get better at talking to others who apparently share the same difficulties as myself, I don't know if that'll ever be possible though.

 

[Caitie33]

I think it is easier to talk to and relate to other people autistic people on this site because for one it is not face to face. Also we all already know we are all on the spectrum so thats out of the way and gives people some common ground to talk about. I have also noticed that it is easier to put words into writing than it is to talk face to face with someone. I've wondered myself what would happen if I tried to meet up and hang out with say someone from this site, would we have stuff to talk about and be as open as we are with the anonymity of the internet? I don't think "hey I'm aspie too!" would come up in a normal conversation but if that was already out of the bag it may be fun to hang out with other aspies. Or maybe it would just be a really awkward get together between a bunch of socially awkward people. I'm pretty sure my husband is on the spectrum as well and it may be the only reason we found and stuck with each other, but it doesn't make for an easy relationship.

 

[Full Steam]

It's not just a spectrum.problem, it's a general human problem.

My wife is NT and an introvert. She gets on well straight away with extroverts, but finds introverts difficult, as two introverts are often quiet and spend time trying to find their own place.

I'm an Aspie, but an extrovert. I like her in the conversation to pick up the small talk slack.

I have no problem talking to people at length, and I'm good at finding subjects of common interest to mini monologue about.

Part of the problem for autistics is the mistake belief that we have low social SKILLs.

Skills are learnt behaviours.

I seem to be missing some wiring that helps people understand automatically, to and fro rapport building.

Skills can be learned to cover for and in some cases improve over the norm.

I do sales for my business.

I have had to learn to build rapport, and other sales techniques which also help at BBQs.

People like people who are interested in them. Or at least who seem to be. Most NTs are self obsessed are only want to talk about themselves.

Good sales people appear interested by asking questions. It takes the spotlight of attention off you and keeps it on the other person.

People love this, as long as it's not too intense, and they can come away from a conversation thinking, what a nice chat, they had.

Most people are bad listeners. Get better at listening and people will love you for it.

Ask questions to find common ground, then talk about a shared interest. Try to break up your monologue with more questions.

 

[clearly]

I know this isn't an easy option and it can take a lifetime of experience to achieve, but I gave up trying to fit in years ago - I found it too exhausting trying to change my personality to fit in with others'.

Whether I am liked or not is of no consequence now. I have better things to do.

My dogs love and need me, that's enough for me. I know where I am with them which is liberating.

 

[WildCat]

Why don't I fit in with other autistic people? Every camp I go to (all of them were special ed or special ed inclusive), everybody thinks me as retarded or stupid. Even the autistic people think that. All people look at is my immature behavior and think me as retarded, weird, and nasty. Those other autistic people get along with each other just fine...

So what are these autistic people like, just out of curiosity? Seems kinda hypocritical of them to be saying that if their behaviors aren't exactly "normal"? Maybe not.

Speaking for myself, I've just about given up on trying to relate to others. Seems like surface impressions are what matters most to many people, never mind what lies beneath or anything. You might have better luck in trying to fit in however, so I say don't give up if you're still looking for friends. Plenty of people out there and plenty of time since you're still young.

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

Why don't I fit in with other autistic people? Every camp I go to (all of them were special ed or special ed inclusive), everybody thinks me as retarded or stupid. Even the autistic people think that. All people look at is my immature behavior and think me as retarded, weird, and nasty. Those other autistic people get along with each other just fine. I'm very mad about this. Even after 2 years. They don't give me a chance to show everybody what i'm good at. Another thing that is weird is that some NTs are interested in me, but it doesn't make any sense at all. They don't have anything in common with me at all while a lot of special ed people have a lot of common interests that I have and are not interested in me at all. I can't take this anymore! This is too confusing and annoying. I want to make friends with people i'm comfortable with. What should I do?

Edit: A user on WrongPlanet, who's user profile displayed his age as 20 (same as mine) and gender as male (same as mine), typed something nasty in my thread on WrongPlanet. His post is at this link: How do I convince my 8 year old sister to remain cute? | Wrong Planet Autism Community Forum

I don't have enough data to properly answer that. Also just because someone is the sane gender or agree as you doesn't mean they have things in common. I usually meet more males my age I get along with or females that are much older.

 

[When In Rome]

Hedgehog Instigator is such a great username!

 

[Judge]

"If you've seen one Aspie, then you've seen one Aspie."

ASD or autistic, we are not cookie-cutter images of one another. We not only have differing sets of traits and behaviors, but with different intensities (amplitudes) of them.

That the odds of having lot of things in common are probably poor even among our own kind. Compounded perhaps by certain limitations of being able to socialize with other humans in general. Which may diminish the thrill of finding things in common with one another, whatever one's neurology may entail.

I know that sounds bleak, but that's my Aspie bluntness chiming in.

 

[Ephraim Becker]

"If you've seen one Aspie, then you've seen one Aspie."

ASD or autistic, we are not cookie-cutter images of one another. We not only have differing sets of traits and behaviors, but with different intensities (amplitudes) of them.

That the odds of having lot of things in common are probably poor even among our own kind. Compounded perhaps by certain limitations of being able to socialize with other humans in general. Which may diminish the thrill of finding things in common with one another, whatever one's neurology may entail.

I know that sounds bleak, but that's my Aspie bluntness chiming in.

I'm talking about 3 aspies that get along and are friends with each other being mean to me.

 

[Judge]

I'm talking about 3 aspies that get along and are friends with each other being mean to me.

Exactly. There's no reason to conclude that just because they get along with each other, that they'll get along with you. Just as if I were to meet an Aspie and become romantically involved with them, that it would guarantee a successful and satisfying relationship.

There are no guarantees even if or when you perceive various commonalities with another person. Autism can be a condition that potentially leaves one profoundly alone at times. I wish I could tell you to the contrary, but it wouldn't be truthful.

That "chemistry" between people socially can remain a mystery regardless of their neurological profiles. Leaving some of us alone for extended periods of time.

 

[Nason]

I know, but at least those other autistic people should be better friends with me than those NTs.

Anyone could be friends with anyone. What will happen will happen. Seems like you are trying to force what should not be. Keep trying, but with different people.