Why I don't having many friends

[RubenX]

Friends always have needs

My first issue with friends is how needy they are. All my partners have been very social NTs with lots of friends. Not a day ever goes by without a friend calling for a favor. Somebody always needs a ride, somebody always needs to talk, somebody always has an emergency. They can handle it. They even enjoy it. To me it seems like having a 2nd job. Taking care of so many people. The usual NT reasoning is "if I ever need somebody, my friends will be there". That doesn't work for me because I rarely need somebody for anything. And when I do need some help, it's so complicated that no friend knows what to do.

Friends are supposed to be priorities

That's another issue. You are supposed to answer the phone when they call and/or return their calls as quickly as possible. Most get mad if you don't do so. I have a problem with that. I often spend months without even bothering to check my email. I say, if it's an emergency, come down here and knock my door. But in NT world, that's rude.

I can't tell who's abusing the friendship

There are friends who abuse the friendship, asking for help all the time when they don't really need any help. Being an Aspie, I can't tell them apart. I hate being taken for a fool.

 

[Soup]

I find that, as a wife & parent with a household to manage, I'd have little time to devote to a friendship even if I desired one.

I find that, from memories of being much younger, the complex social dynamics of being in a friendship circle of women were just too complicated. So long as everyone in the group is getting along fine, all is well. If 1 member feels angry, resentful, jealous or feels slighted in some manner by some other member, it makes getting together awkward for everyone. People feel compelled to take sides. Sometimes, the group gangs up & casts someone out.

In order to be in a friendship with someone or some group, there often has to be the illusion of absolute equality or homogeneity between the friends. If one friend has more money & can afford to travel a lot, s/he may have to not ever discuss it out of peril of being accused of snobbery or showing off whereas the person was merely being truthful & sharing their life experiences.

Friendship groups of women at least (I've never been part of a male who get together to bowl, watch sports, go fishing or golfing etc.) are hypocritical entities. Women, despite the thin veneer of camaraderie they are often bitterly jealous of one another & watching for offences. If you're slim, the heavier friends will quietly (& sometimes in a pseudo-friendly passive aggressive way) make snide comments. HOWEVER...the slimmer friends can never ever comment about the heavier ones or about slimness!

There's a dynamic of 'negativity' & griping. Groups of friends can get together for some activity like shopping or just hanging out at a friend's house. Much of the conversation will be about what is going wrong in their lives: the tanked economy, the high cost of living, being broke or struggling, how the husband does this or that, how tired they are, how the boss is a_____... HOWEVER, if one member begins happily mentioning things that are going well in their life, they're an insensitive braggart.

Members of these groups seem to anxious all the time over fitting in, truly being 'accepted' by 'the others'. If everyone shares this concern, who indeed are these others? Friendship groups seem to dress very much alike & have a similar look to them. I don't want to go out on a clone search to rustle up a group of people who resemble me in attitudes, dress style, social class, interests, etc. I have mirrors so I could stare at my reflection all day without involving others! Seems kind of pointless.

 

[RubenX]

Re: Why I don't like having many friends

Growing up with 6 sisters, I've seen this jealousy dynamics that Soup mentioned. I seems many women try to balance it out by having multiple friendship groups for different activities. Each group with a specific purpose. Then each purpose gets discussed in it's very specific group. For example, co-worker friends are for going to lunch with, party friends are for going to the club with, shopping friends are for going shopping with. Groups shall not be mixed. You shall not go shopping with somebody from the co-workers group who might or might not have the same purchasing power. It's very a complicated dynamics, with lots of rules.

Being a male, I could say this jealousy dynamics is also present among men, but with different sets of rules and intensities. For example, lets say two men have the same purchasing power. One chooses to buy an expensive car and a cheap computer while the other drops a few grand on computer equipment and buys a used car. One could be regarded as "dumb" for buying a lesser car, or as "nerd" for expending "too much" on a computer.

Among men, there's also the alpha male thing. There's always this one guy you are better off not telling anything because his general response is "Why you did that? You should have talked to *me* first. I could have told you where-to-go/what-to-do and it would have been cheaper/faster/better". You shall never expose the mistakes of the group's alpha-male or you will get thrown out of the group. And if you ever discover a cheaper/faster/better way, the alpha-guy always say "I knew that" and belittles your discovery.

The one thing that male & female groups have in common is the general verdict of "You did it wrong, it's your fault", when something bad happens because I miss social cues. Not knowing I was an Aspie, I struggled with this responses for years. "How come it's my fault if I don't even know what I did wrong?" I thought. But somehow "you should have known" was the answer. This leads to further isolation because why should I spend time in developing friendships if every time I need support or guidance they say "it's my fault" and "I should have known"?.

Now that I know I'm an Aspie, I get less depressed about this things. Now I know I can't be at fault for not seeing what I can not see. Now it's a matter of learning how to explain this upfront to potential new friends.

 

[Soup]

Re: Why I don't like having many friends

...And...just because you're the Aspie & they say you're at fault & you should've known (shame on you for not being psychic!) it doesn't mean that you were at fault at all or that something wrong even happened! It took me a long time to sort through the 'you should've known' thing. I saw too many girls say this to baffled boyfriends, & women say it about husbands. Sometimes all it really means is that the person knows damned well that s/he should've SAID something to you in the 1st place but either forgot or failed to communicate some critical information to you. Rather than admit s/he screwed up, the person resorts to a pre-emptive blame strategy. This is similar to a get them before they get you strategy <---but this last one is usually driven by fear & paranoia whereas the other is driven by embarrassment & the desire to wriggle out of a tight spot.

As for the Alpha male thing, I've seen it used by loud-mouthy guys to impress or get girls. The display of confidence (often masking great insecurity) & bravado reminds me of flashy mating ritual behaviours engaged in by male birds!!! Some human women are actually fooled by these shows into thinking the guy is a good catch. They are shocked to find themselves with a garden variety arrogant jerk (often broke & dumb as a bucket of rocks!)

 

[Arashi222]

Re: Why I don't like having many friends

I have been thinking about this thread for awhile as it usually takes me time to process things and I often wait. I think the reason I don't have a lot of friends is yah a lot to do with my AS but my general quirks are hard on people. I want to be friends with people. I want to have that connection and for some people I do eventually get that connection but I think in my case people loose patience with me. I get overwhelmed by my emotions and others people's emotions and I don't understand them or I don't as I used to say to my ex-friend I don't downshift that fast. When I get upset sometimes it may take me days to realize how really truly upset I am about something and then to move past it if I can.

Now according to other people why I don't have a lot of friends is because I am weird, and childlike and can't read people's minds and emotions in the same way. I don't know if someone is pissed so unless I ask or know them really well I just don't get it so I can't have friends. But I do have a couple of close friends and it works because they honestly care how I am and I honestly care about them and they accept that there are things I can't do. While most people I try to just force me into a mold I don't fit and I can't handle. I also think that sometimes I trust too soon and that causes issues with how many friends I have because it burns me.

I hope that answers the question.