Why is living apart sometimes best for a marriage?

[Needingspace]

Without going into all my history here, this is a genuine request for help from AS and NT people alike. I am NT, and suggesting to my AS husband of decades that it would be beneficial to live separately for a while, talking on the phone or Skype most days, or messaging at least, spending quality time and holidays together, whilst not trying to cope with the everyday together. I'm not saying it needs to be permanent

 

[Gracey]

Without going into all my history here, this is a genuine request for help from AS and NT people alike. I am NT, and suggesting to my AS husband of decades that it would be beneficial to live separately for a while, talking on the phone or Skype most days, or messaging at least, spending quality time and holidays together, whilst not trying to cope with the everyday together. I'm not saying it needs to be permanent

Try it if you think it will benefit both of you

I personally have my own space or 'cave'. I can be in this for days if things aren't going well.
Firstly to get a break and spend sometime figuring things out and finding some sort of balance.
Secondly, no one else has to be in the same space as me whilst this is happening.
I admit I'm capable of 'going monster's if I'm mythered but need my space.

So I'm there, but apart from my husband. He gets space too.
If that makes any sense?

Works for us so far.

 

[Mr Allen]

Well they do say "absence makes the heart grow fonder"

Maybe if he's apart from you for a bit, he'll love you all the more when he comes back, and you might love him all the more for it as well

 

[Needingspace]

Thank you Gracey. I think it will benefit us both, but he's not convinced. I get the impression that it's often AS people that want to live separately and NT people that don't understand the need!

 

[Needingspace]

Yes Rich Allen, that's what I feel. And we do 'quality time' together well, including time to talk through issues (we sit side by side in the car so that body language and facial expressions don't cause a problem), so it makes sense to me to work on those aspects of the marriage that are strong, in the hopes that will have a positive effect on the rest of the relationship.

 

[Judge]

Many on the spectrum routinely require solitude as others do air to breathe. And to stretch this metaphor even further, some of us can hold our breath only so long.

So yes, time away from someone can be quite beneficial, and perhaps even take some stress off a relationship, providing it's a purely amicable arrangement for both partners at the outset. Though I suppose some take the vows and institution of marriage very specifically, where this may prove to be "an issue" of sorts.

It's just refreshing to me to see an NT "in the lead" so prepared to initiate such an arrangement.

Well done. Hope it works out for you, whatever you ultimately decide.

 

[Merete]

Have you asked him why he do not want that? For me, it would have been a big change. So even if that would been a good idea for both, I would still resist. Maybe if I just got used to the idea, I would suddenly be ready. My boyfriend helps me a lot on everyday tasks, so it would have been scary to think that he would not be there to help.

Maybe there is something you can do to help him get used to the idea? Or maybe you need to find some balance being apart when you are at home? We have a guest room- and that is my cave. I sleep there sometimes. We have also made rules - when we do things together and when we do things on our own. (And I am not allowed to bother him with anything when we do things apart). Or else he gets crazy. Because I can be a handfull. hehehehheheheh

- I don´t know your relationship, so I can only talk for me and my relationship

 

[Suzanne]

Because the notion is: the longer away, the more the heart yearns and also, a sense of realising that one has forgotten what their partner looks like and taken for granted and the hope that time away will bring back the spark.

Great in theory, and often works that way; but also what tends to happen more is realising that one is happier without the other; a sense of relief and finding that they prefer living alone and when that happens, there is very little chance for the couple to come back together.

My husband is an nt and I am the aspie and although, yes we have had some horrific times and our marriage is by no means remotely perfect ( as one can be), we are realistic enough to know that if we separated, we probably would not come back to each other again, but that does not mean we would be happy to see the other in a new relationship and plus, we are both christians and therefore, we work our issues out together.

 

[Needingspace]

Thank you Judge. I really appreciate your encouragement and recognition.

 

[Needingspace]

Thank you MereteFairy . Yes, once he works out in his mind what is 'right' and what is 'wrong' he sticks to it, so at the moment he's convinced that he believes in the institution of marriage, in a very traditional sense. But I'm taking things slowly and having gentle occasional conversations about it, and I'm hopeful he'll come round eventually. I know he relies on me heavily, but I have been helping him to be independent, and also to socialise, for a long time now, and I'm sure, if I remain available to him and give him some time every day, he'll feel braver and recognise this could be good for us both. We are quite separate in a way as it is. I sleep on the sofa, and we don't do much together. But he can be so difficult and aggressive, and also demanding, and he doesn't recognise this. It's so lovely that you can acknowledge that you 'can be a handful'. If he even understood that about himself, life could be easier. But because he's been on an anger management course, he believes he's changed, and doesn't understand how difficult life is for me. I've ended up with very low self esteem and depression, and just need some real space to be me. I feel very trapped and miserable. There have been just a few times when someone has noticed how difficult he is, several strangers on separate occasions, when they have felt they had to speak up and try to help me, and those moments have been rare gifts that have kept me going, or I would have crumbled years ago.
Sorry, I'm rambling! Thank you for encouraging me to give him time - it's good to have that confirmed.

 

[Needingspace]

Thank you Suzanne. 'we are realistic enough to know that if we separated, we probably would not come back to each other again, but that does not mean we would be happy to see the other in a new relationship and plus, we are both christians and therefore, we work our issues out together.' To be honest, I'm absolutely confident that neither of us would stray if we did this. He would continue to lean on me, and I would continue to support him. I'm a very caring person, and it would be alien to me to let him be lonely or unhappy. We try to work out our differences, which is what I'm trying to do now, but in a different way. The bible doesn't lay down what married life should look like, in terms of living together, just that we should be supportive, loving and caring. But he is only able to do that within the limitations of his character and autism, and that has been very damaging for me. I don't want to divorce him, just to nourish what is good in our relationship, without the bad destroying things completely. I'm giving him time, but I really can't go on like this for ever, without some hope that things might be different in the future. I know him very well, and I can see that this would work for him once he understood what was happening and settled into it.

 

[Fitzo]

There are many couples who find this the ideal arrangement. For me it would be perfect!
When I have mentioned this to some men in the past they have felt insecure with the idea, but if you don't have trust, what is the point of being together?
I think the day to day difficulties of life are often what put pressure on relationships. If you had alone time to recharge, you would be much happier when you did spend time together.
Aspies tend not to be comfortable with change though, so he may be resistant on that level as well as feeling insecure.
I wish you luck and hope you find a solution that works for both of you.

 

[WereBear]

We expanded into two apartments because of our business, but it has the side benefits of giving us space and creative studios.

 

[LucyPurrs]

In the interim can you negotiate some alone time for both of you on a regular basis? Maybe each of you also can agree to leave the house for say 3-4 hours a couple of times a week so the other can have the alone time and space to recharge?
Those hours out of the house could be spent doing errands, with friends, taking classes etc.

 

[Needingspace]

Thank you Fitzo . Yes, that's a good point about change. Hopefully the fact that I've started to talk about this way in advance of being able to put it into practice will help him come round to the idea. I'll bear insecurity in mind too, and give him plenty of reassurance. Thank you.

 

[Needingspace]

Thank you WereBear

 

[Needingspace]

Thank you LucyPurrs .

 

[Needingspace]

Thank you so much everyone. It's wonderful to talk to people that understand!

 

[jacinto]

Hi, I wanted to say that, for me at least, anything even remotely hinting at some kind of separation is terrifying if I'm with someone. A lot of us think in absolutes: it's either this way or it's that way. An aspie may not be able to conceive of being together, but separate. In fact, even having determined from the substance of your words that you sincerely care about him, I myself am unable to get my head around it.
If I were him, no matter what you said or what I said, in my heart I would I would view even the suggestion as heralding the end of the relationship. And that would kill me because it isn't every day that someone extraordinary enough to put up with me comes along.

 

[SusanLR]

I would love to have a relationship that I could feel close,
loving, and know you're there for each other.
It doesn't need to be marriage or living together,
just living near to each other and enjoying each other's
company.

That's why I never married or lived with anyone.
I don't like to feel totally alone, yet on the other hand
I don't enjoy the 24/7 either.
It feels too confining to always be aware that everything
I do involves keeping in mind how it will make someone else feel.
The freedom to just be is taken away.

Planning your daily routine then suddenly the other
says something like, "Let's go to Sam's Club for household goods. Ready?"
Blows my day and if I refuse it blows his.
It seems much more special to make time
to do things together or if you don't want to do something at the time, it doesn't seem so bad to say
no, maybe some other day like...?

I guess I just don't like to feel suffocated to deadlines
and commitments. And know someone is always there
to see everything you do or question it or suddenly think
you should do what they want spontaneously.
I never was comfortable with company staying in my house. Nor I staying as company in someone elses house.

Living together may be wonderful for some.
Maybe it's just one of those things I can't relate to
like so many other things that are common in life to others.
Seperate but apart would be wonderful for me.