Why is my friend okay with eye contact?

[Jane Smith]

Hello all!

I have someone in my life who is aspie. He is one of many--most of my friends and family are on the spectrum to some degree.

He has very specific boundaries and social anxieties that I try and pay attention to and respect. One of the things he does is become silent and then watch me.

When this happens he'll makes eye contact. I'll make eye contact back, and we'll watch each other for 3-5 seconds. He seems completely content with this, and does it very often.

However, most of my friends hate eye contact, and from my understanding, most people on the spectrum don't like it either. It's not a "stare" either. He is definitely making intentional eye contact with me.

Why would he do this?

Even though I have a lot of friends who are aspie, I am not aspie. So, there are a lot of things he does that I don't fully understand.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Welcome here. Can't answer your question as I'm an NT, but will say I love your cat! You will likely get friendly responses here as this is a great place.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

As they say, if you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie. Some Aspies have so much built-up anxiety from a lifetime of awkward social situations that they lack the confidence to look you in the eye. Others might not have a problem with eye contact in-and-of-itself, but might not know how to properly apply it in a social situation, and in what doses. (Should I stare at you the entire conversation? Should I look up only occasionally, or look down only occasionally?) One trick I've learned is to alternate between looking at someone's left eye, right eye and mouth every few seconds. For whatever reason, maintaining that pattern works for me and makes my conversation partner more relaxed than if I started straight into their eyes the entire time.

 

[tree]

I can't say why your friend does that because
I'm not him. Why are you looking at him?
Maybe he's looking at you for similar reasons.

When's the last time you talked to him about it?

 

[onlything]

I used to do it to my best friend as a kid, though not very often. Can't really say. It's just... eyes, I guess. I like their colours and how they change from one into another. In other people I didn't like them staring back, so I didn't watch their eyes but I didn't mind that friend staring back.

It's the same nowadays with light play around. I can stare at different shadows, reflections in a glass, little crystals forming on windows on colder days. Just something I like looking at.

Of course, yours can have a different reason for that. It would be best to ask while assuring that you don't have anything against.

 

[Butterfly88]

For me I was diagnosed at a young age. Eye contact didn't come naturally to me, it was something I had to learn. I went to social skills group in first grade and that was one thing that helped me learn eye contact. Over the years I have managed to learn eye contact and now a lot of people tell me I don't seem autistic. I guess I've learned it well then. Maybe your friend is the same way.

 

[Mia]

Not all aspies are the same, some do the eye contact thing. Know when I met my boyfriend, he kept eye contact with me, as he was interested. Most of the time neither of us do that with other people.

 

[Jane Smith]

Oh my god these are all very helpful nice responses!

I actually have a crush on him. I enjoy looking at him because I enjoy his company. It didn't really occur to me that he might just be comfortable with me around.

I am scared to ask about this, though. He gets very very self conscious about this sort of thing, so if I mention the gaze, he'll stop doing it. Even if we're poking fun, he takes it hard.

He's got a lot of anxiety. So, we try and be pretty careful.

 

[Progster]

I actually have a crush on him. I enjoy looking at him because I enjoy his company. It didn't really occur to me that he might just be comfortable with me around.

If he's making eye contact with you, it probably means that he's comfortable with you - that's good. It's possible that the crush is mutual, and that he likes looking at you. I wouldn't mention to it, you are right, that would probably make him feel self-conscious and uncomfortable.

 

[Bolletje]

I'm an Aspie, and I'm fine with eye contact. It didn't come to me naturally, I used to avoid it mostly, but over the years I've learned to make eye contact. I don't stare either, I've learned enough that I don't seem to stand out for it anymore. Not saying I'm a natural at communication, but I'm very much okay with not standing out for the wrong reasons.