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Why is she always so upset with me?? :/

CBrown1299

CBrown1299

Active Member
(I am AS, she is NT.)


I often find myself getting into frequent arguments with my girlfriend, usually for what seems like no reason at all..

There are a lot of pretty obvious gaps in the flow of communication, but I haven't got a ****ing clue how to remedy all the constant misreads and the disconnects between the two of us.....

-Did I say something wrong?
-Did I miss something SHE said?
-Why is she suddenly so angry??
-How did the conversation change so radically without warning??

(and it usually leads me to think)
--Where did I go wrong?
--What have I done?
--Why am I so stupid??...
 
It may be that you're not aware of whatever's making her upset. But that doesn't make you stupid. If you're unsure of what you might have missed or misread, ask. That's what I do with my boyfriend. (I'm the one with ASD, and he's not.)
 
Ask here to be more direct. Tell her if she isn't direct with you, you won't know what the issue is. Just be nice, unlike what I would do and tell her something a long the lines of "Well if you don't tell me, I can't do anything about it, so that's your fault." Just don't tell her that, she might get mad lol.
 
CBrown1299 said:
Yeah, she would probably not take too kindly to that..
Click to expand...
You'd be surprised. I tell people straight away, "I'm an Aspie, I have Asperger Syndrome, you'll have to be straight up with me, because I don't even comprehend your way of 'flirting'... so I may accidentally flirt with you as well."
 
CBrown1299 said:
(I am AS, she is NT.)


I often find myself getting into frequent arguments with my girlfriend, usually for what seems like no reason at all..

There are a lot of pretty obvious gaps in the flow of communication, but I haven't got a ****ing clue how to remedy all the constant misreads and the disconnects between the two of us.....

-Did I say something wrong?
-Did I miss something SHE said?
-Why is she suddenly so angry??
-How did the conversation change so radically without warning??

(and it usually leads me to think)
--Where did I go wrong?
--What have I done?
--Why am I so stupid??...
Click to expand...
Hmmm, this sounds familiar. Labels make us easy targets for our partners. If you tell her its the Aspergers, she'll say your hiding behind your condition. If you have debate around issues, she'll tell you, that your Aspergers makes you blind to them. That's how it's been for me anyway. She wants me to take ownership of my Aspergers, but I'm not allowed to use it as an excuse for poor behaviour. Sound familiar?
 
Turk said:
Hmmm, this sounds familiar. Labels make us easy targets for our partners. If you tell her its the Aspergers, she'll say your hiding behind your condition. If you have debate around issues, she'll tell you, that your Aspergers makes you blind to them. That's how it's been for me anyway. She wants me to take ownership of my Aspergers, but I'm not allowed to use it as an excuse for poor behaviour. Sound familiar?
Click to expand...
Why don't you leave her then if she's that mean?
 
Shiznown said:
Why don't you leave her then if she's that mean?
Click to expand...
It's complicated, but in short, I have a ridiculous sense of obligation to my family. The relationship is consuming me, but I can't disconnect from my obligation to them.
 
Turk said:
It's complicated, but in short, I have a ridiculous sense of obligation to my family. The relationship is consuming me, but I can't disconnect from my obligation to them.
Click to expand...
Sometimes you just have to be a rebel for your own
 
Shiznown said:
What does being in a relationship have to do with ones family?
Click to expand...
He's married. So separating would probably mean being separated from his kid(s). (Sorry Turk, I forgot whether you have one or many kids). A very painful thing both for a dad and for the kids.
 
For the one with children: You'd be surprised at how many adults express relief of their parents splitting up because it didn't work between them. Kids do notice tension between parents. And if there are open hostility between them, that's even worse.

I also have some difficulty seeing how you can have any positive, spare energy for your children if you are constantly having a cloud of negativity above you that is the uncompromising and non-understanding partner.

How the parents treat each other is an example for the children. They observe how the mother treats the father and vice versa. They can take after attitudes from them. If you are often run over by their mother, then worst case they come to think that's okay. Do they hear her when she talks about Asperger? Will your children grow up to think the condition is negligible as well?

Now, perhaps your relationship hasn't reached such a bad point as illustrated here, but they are thoughts to consider if things can't be fixed.

It probably depends on the laws in your countries as well. Here the care would be split between parents, so both still gets to see their children a lot after the break up. But perhaps it's not so where you live.

Hope stuff works out for you
 
Ok just to clear a few things up. My son is 18, so not really a child anymore, however he does have Aspergers like his old man. He does have some ignorance to the world, which is why I'm obligated to be there for him. Obligation is probably not the right word. I do it because he is my son.I take my role as a father very seriously and the energy you speak of, is always there for him, no matter how much of the world has consumed me. He is the reason I'm still here, and no matter how bad things are, he will always get a smile and a hug. You see he wouldn't just lose a father, he would lose his best friend.
 
Anyway, I don't think anyone here is telling Turk anything he doesn't already know. He (you, if you are Turk) is no doubt already aware of his options, has a better understanding than us of both the good and the bad things about his situation, and didn't actually ask us for advice about it.
 
NT girl who's had the reverse issue with her boyfriend...

I realize with some people with AS you need to just be straight forward and honest and I always made an effort to. He could sense when I was upset, heck, he thought I was upset when I wasn't upset, but then when I was upset and I did try to talk about it he'd get defensive and assume I was trying to argue with him. I simply couldn't win.

Talk to her and tell her she needs to be straight forward and honest with you or else you will never be able to know how she's feeling. And if she is the type of girl who will follow through on this for the love of god please just trust her and try to not be a mind reader if you know you suck at reading people. My boyfriend tried this and it just hurt our relationship.
 
CBrown1299 said:
(I am AS, she is NT.)


I often find myself getting into frequent arguments with my girlfriend, usually for what seems like no reason at all..

There are a lot of pretty obvious gaps in the flow of communication, but I haven't got a ****ing clue how to remedy all the constant misreads and the disconnects between the two of us.....

-Did I say something wrong?
-Did I miss something SHE said?
-Why is she suddenly so angry??
-How did the conversation change so radically without warning??

(and it usually leads me to think)
--Where did I go wrong?
--What have I done?
--Why am I so stupid??...
Click to expand...

You are not alone here my friend. Even NT males get grief off their women. The best thing to do if it's something silly and trivial, just concede or try to find a compromise. My ex used to give me grief for the slightest wee thing. One example, she broke her make up then blamed me! Miffed maybe but let it slide. It's just the way some women are.
 
Jambo_nick said:
You are not alone here my friend. Even NT males get grief off their women. The best thing to do if it's something silly and trivial, just concede or try to find a compromise. My ex used to give me grief for the slightest wee thing. One example, she broke her make up then blamed me! Miffed maybe but let it slide. It's just the way some women are.
Click to expand...

I agree here. I know for me there will be times when I'm upset, bummed, frustrated, any sort of negative emotion and it'll show but honestly I just want to get over it, I know I will, and I know that if my boyfriend coaxes it out of me things may go downhill from there. If I feel it is truly worth bringing up I will. And even then there is nothing wrong with getting upset at your significant other, it's human emotions and human relationships and it's going to happen, just as long as it doesn't last for more than a few hours and it's not a daily or weekly thing.

I really wish my boyfriend had learned to not sweat the small stuff. He and I never even really had fights, just a few disagreements and misunderstandings from my own perspective. Heck, I didn't even remember most of them, but he would hold onto them and when the next one came around he'd remind me of them with some exaggeration (such as claiming I sent him a 3 paragraph text telling him why I was mad at him over a particular thing when it wasn't even a single paragraph and I wasn't mad at him).
 
Kapwned said:
I agree here. I know for me there will be times when I'm upset, bummed, frustrated, any sort of negative emotion and it'll show but honestly I just want to get over it, I know I will, and I know that if my boyfriend coaxes it out of me things may go downhill from there. If I feel it is truly worth bringing up I will. And even then there is nothing wrong with getting upset at your significant other, it's human emotions and human relationships and it's going to happen, just as long as it doesn't last for more than a few hours and it's not a daily or weekly thing.

I really wish my boyfriend had learned to not sweat the small stuff. He and I never even really had fights, just a few disagreements and misunderstandings from my own perspective. Heck, I didn't even remember most of them, but he would hold onto them and when the next one came around he'd remind me of them with some exaggeration (such as claiming I sent him a 3 paragraph text telling him why I was mad at him over a particular thing when it wasn't even a single paragraph and I wasn't mad at him).
Click to expand...

I do feel for you. I can imagine it must wear you down at times. :( I have AS myself and I'd hate to think i would make my gf feel like that. My mum drummed into me the importance of listening to the extent I enjoy listening to people. Getting me in mainstream school was also key. As far as the small things go, I'll have a bash at explaining this, your bf takes to heart what you say when you're angry which can devastate him on the inside. In order to hide the insecurity he will lash out at the person who caused the hurt. If he is able to laugh at himself more and not 'make mountains out of molehills' (make really small problems huge problems) then he will go along way to cutting out this behaviour. From my experience I would say anxiety is the biggest problem and I believe it's the root cause of the majority of the downsides, at least from my point of view. Anyway, maybe starting to ramble a bit so I'll wrap this up but If you have any questions at all I'd be more than happy to answer them. :)
 
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