Why People With Asperger’s Look 'Rude And Creepy'...

[AGXStarseed]

(Not written by me)



I hate when people are rude. Especially to servers. If a guy is rude to a waiter I won’t go out with him again. Insensitivity like that is something people should be ashamed of.

Unless you have Asperger’s. If you have Asperger’s, you sometimes need a pass.


Because you can’t put your social skills on autopilot.


I’m not rude to waiters. But I am rude in everyday interactions, like when I’m ordering at Chipotle. I also respond in a short, clipped way most of the time when the barista at my favorite coffee shop tries to make small talk with me.

I feel like an entitled jerk when I do that. And I damn well know I look like one.

But I have off days. A lot of us do. On the off days everything is harder. It feels like we’re rationing our energy.

And I don’t think we can do much to change that.


There’s a good chance you aren’t friends with your neighbors. You want to be, but that requires being “on” all the time. Even when you leave the house or come home. Most people aren’t “on” at that point. Your not being “on” just looks worse.

I’m embarrassed when I see how some of my neighbors look at me. When I’m home, though, I just need to let go.

It’s not like we don’t know how to be polite. We do. Especially since people have spent the last 20+ years beating into our heads how rude we are. We know that good vibes from strangers can brighten our day and make our neighborhood a comfortable place.

But on some days those niceties just don’t flow very well.

We need to forgive ourselves for the days we can’t make it socially. Being polite is important. But our mental health is even more so.


SOURCE: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/not-robot/2015/10/why-people-with-aspergers-look-rude-and-creepy/

 

[Ylva]

I didn't mean to rate it funny, I just missed the Agree button.

My neighbors… when they fail to be nice to me, I can't even attempt to be nice to them. And I've decided to not go out of my way. There are exactly two who are consistently friendly, three if you count the three-year-old of one of them, and that's a short list of "people to be nice to". I try to be polite, but if someone is rude to me I'm not going to waste my time.

 

[Myway]

Interesting. I find it to be true about being rude and finding it hard to talk to those people again. I haven't spoken to my friend who said that she couldn't tell I had AS, mostly because I thought it to be rude and now am finding it hard to talk to her, but I have forgiven her. I just can't go through that again. Maybe I am different, but who cares? I think rude people with for the most part remain rude and they should not be spoken to.

 

[Ste11aeres]

There's a difference between being 1)deliberately rude by being a jerk deliberately treating people badly, and 2)being "rude" by being curt and direct or reclusive. The two are not the same.

 

[Myway]

There's a difference between being 1)deliberately rude by being a jerk deliberately treating people badly, and 2)being "rude" by being curt and direct or reclusive. The two are not the same.

I see what you are saying. So what do you call my situation? I am trying to figure that out.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I see what you are saying. So what do you call my situation? I am trying to figure that out.

I don't think it even falls under the domain of "rudeness". Rudeness has to do with one's manner and moment-to-moment actions during social situations. Your situation is not a question of rudeness-it's the breakdown of a relationship, which is something different.

 

[DC1346]

(Not written by me)
you can’t put your social skills on autopilot.

Hmmmm ... I'm not sure I agree with this. I don a persona when I go out into the world and I operate via scripts. How hard is it to say please or thank you if they're part of your scripts?

That's one thing which I do owe my parents. They beat the concept of manners into me and I was raised to say, please and thank you, yes sir and no ma'am. I am usually unfailingly polite because my parents would slap me if I wasn't.

In terms of small talk ... I have a limited repertoire of things to say that don't include hot button topics like religion or politics.

I have found it useful to change the subject when making small talk. Most people like to talk about themselves ... so if you ask a open ended question such as what's the best thing they like about their job, most people will happily talk your ear off and all you have to do after that is to nod and smile and to interject the occasional encouraging, ah-hah.

 

[Naturalist]

Hmmmm ... I'm not sure I agree with this. I don a persona when I go out into the world and I operate via scripts. How hard is it to say please or thank you if they're part of your scripts?

That's one thing which I do owe my parents. They beat the concept of manners into me and I was raised to say, please and thank you, yes sir and no ma'am. I am usually unfailingly polite because my parents would slap me if I wasn't.

In terms of small talk ... I have a limited repertoire of things to say that don't include hot button topics like religion or politics.

I have found it useful to change the subject when making small talk. Most people like to talk about themselves ... so if you ask a open ended question such as what's the best thing they like about their job, most people will happily talk your ear off and all you have to do after that is to nod and smile and to interject the occasional encouraging, ah-hah.

This is true for me, too. I learned a lot of manners by relentless reinforcement. Although, I will say that automatically adding the polite modifiers doesn't mean the other person will perceive that you are polite. And sometimes, I do lose my temper, because I am putting in so much effort that I get like a pressure cooker trying to hold in my frustration or stress and eventually it all breaks down. I think if I could re-train myself not to pressure myself so much to be incredibly polite, I might not be prone to the spectacularly rude explosions that don't come as frequently, but definitely do more damage. I am trying to do this by employing all the polite language without trying to affect a "nice, normal voice" at the same time. Sometimes, that is enough. Sometimes people think I am rude or wierd. But I am trying to learn to strike a balance between my own needs and the needs of others in society. Basically, if I go out in society, I know that there are certain requirements I must meet, as part of a social contract. But I shouldn't have to pretend to be someone I'm not in order to meet those requirements.