Why would she?

[Gerald Wilgus]

I am a little disturbed. Discussing my most recent meltdown with my spouse, she told me that with her being my one and only she would understand if I was involved with other women.

I cannot do that. I really can not. I will not damage Susan’s trust in me as somebody who takes his commitments seriously. I see nothing but negatives that would bruise my soul.

I will not play around with another’s emotions and confidence. I do not want the responsibility of emotionally hurting somebody because it is that emotional closeness that makes intimacy rewarding (at least for me).

I will not misrepresent myself to be deceptive as I think that is the wrong thing to do when somebody is vulnerable enough to want intimacy. In my life I have seen, and have been mocked by manipulative guys for my lack of connection, and I never, ever, want to be like them.

I am dealing with the triggers from a time in my life when intimacy would have been positively impactful for me. I do not think that sex with other women at this time when I still find my spouse desirable would ever help me and could possibly leave me thinking less of myself. When I think of those troubling times in my life, I would rather like to think that the women I was afraid of approaching or who never noticed me were missing out on a relationship with a very considerate, attentive, and satisfying, lover. That is enough for me.

 

[Aspychata]

It could be as simple as her saying you have a higher drive than herself? She obviously cares but she doesn't wish you to be upset with her. This is simply a guess.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Sounds like she still has some insecurities herself. Emotional vs. logical thinking. There's nothing rational or logical about emotional thinking, so it's quite difficult to process any sort of meaning behind it. I might be inclined to just let that one go instead of trying to sort it out and causing further distress.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It could be as simple as her saying you have a higher drive than herself? She obviously cares but she doesn't wish you to be upset with her. This is simply a guess.

That's probably right. She has always been agreeable to our intimate times and I love her for that. It is her that my naughty thoughts turn towards, not some imaginary lover.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Sounds like she still has some insecurities herself. Emotional vs. logical thinking. There's nothing rational or logical about emotional thinking, so it's quite difficult to process any sort of meaning behind it. I might be inclined to just let that one go instead of trying to sort it out and causing further distress.

I do not think she is insecure. Yes, I will let that go and right now see that as her concern for me as she sees some of the distress I had gone through dealing with my sexuality at that time in life. Now to move on from that and refuse its power over me. For good or ill, the experiences made me the person that she fell in love with and who still values intimacy with her.

 

[Neri]

That's probably right. She has always been agreeable to our intimate times and I love her for that. It is her that my naughty thoughts turn towards, not some imaginary lover.

I am the same. I am only interested in my sweetheart. It is going on 14 years now and it's still him and only him that I want and am interested in.
My last relationship lasted 21 years and I was very unhappy, but, I had children so I stayed a very long time. I don't have children with my current partner, it's just the love and enjoyment of being together that keeps us together.

 

[wards]

Sometimes people can ‘fish’ for reactions and see what responses come. I’m not in anyway saying that is what happened with you but has happened with me in past relationships.

 

[Jumpinbare]

My wife made similar statements. Especially as her physical condition started declining. I was a 40 year old virgin when we married. Staying true wasn't a problem. I don't know what possessed her to think I would be interested in anyone else.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

NT's rend to think we think the way they think. I notice this wife my wife and her friend. her friend whose husband passed a year ago, who she suspects was one of us lied to her on many occasions. we talk and she finds out many of these were her own insecurities. lying is not our thing.

 

[Magna]

I am a little disturbed. Discussing my most recent meltdown with my spouse, she told me that with her being my one and only she would understand if I was involved with other women.

I cannot do that. I really can not. I will not damage Susan’s trust in me as somebody who takes his commitments seriously. I see nothing but negatives that would bruise my soul.

I will not play around with another’s emotions and confidence. I do not want the responsibility of emotionally hurting somebody because it is that emotional closeness that makes intimacy rewarding (at least for me).

I will not misrepresent myself to be deceptive as I think that is the wrong thing to do when somebody is vulnerable enough to want intimacy. In my life I have seen, and have been mocked by manipulative guys for my lack of connection, and I never, ever, want to be like them.

I am dealing with the triggers from a time in my life when intimacy would have been positively impactful for me. I do not think that sex with other women at this time when I still find my spouse desirable would ever help me and could possibly leave me thinking less of myself. When I think of those troubling times in my life, I would rather like to think that the women I was afraid of approaching or who never noticed me were missing out on a relationship with a very considerate, attentive, and satisfying, lover. That is enough for me.

I don't get the situation. Your wife is agreeable to being intimate with you but are you wanting intimacy with her more frequently and that's what's causing you stress?

 

[Judge]

It could be as simple as her saying you have a higher drive than herself? She obviously cares but she doesn't wish you to be upset with her. This is simply a guess.

A good guess perhaps, given the age factor.

Where having a healthy libido could be good news for one, but bad news for the other.

 

[Rodafina]

she would understand if I was involved with other women.

It sounds like she could use her own therapist to discuss this (if she doesn't already have one). I can only imagine that this is a painful place for her to be.

From what you've shared, it sounds like there is still a great deal of work to do to resolve issues from your past. Please keep working at it.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Gerald and I got into this a bit on another thread, women have sex drives they are not a paragon of virtue.
She thinks he is like other guys a walking sex drive, that has to be accommodated if she cannot do it someone else should.

 

[Aspychata]

Hey @Gerald Wilgus , l am going to take the opposite of what is being said. When people get together, there should be discussions of each other's expectations in a relationship. Why not? I would say, l would like and hope to have date nite (once a week, once a month). I hope you are comfortable handling (cooking, car repairs, grocery shopping). My eighteen year relationship, we didn't need this, we just fell into roles. I did mostly everything, he just concentrated on his job. It's nobody's fault, if expectations changed. It really gets down to is it a deal-breaker and to you need to rethink your relationship, or can you stay and continue on? Nobody is at fault, relationships change, needs change. She has been truthful in saying she isn't interested and she isn't going the extra mile to work on that component of your relationship. It really gets down to you, is this acceptable or a deal-breaker? Shouldn't be any judgment here.

 

[Neri]

I think it is a very loving gesture she was offering to allow him the opportunity to have sex with other women, because, in her mind, when Gerald expressed grief and pain over missing out on sex when he was a younger man, before they got together, that must mean he wants to experience sex with other women. It is an understandable jumping-to- conclusions situation.
I understand his feelings though. My shy Aspie partner also looks back and excruciates over how he missed so many sexual opportunities as a younger man. It is part of that later-development-that-autistic-people-can-go-through to realise and grieve missed opportunities. While my guy friend makes it very clear to me that he wants me and me alone, he has also expressed how he missed out a lot of sexual opportunities due to his autistic lack of social know-how and underconfidence, when he was younger. It is natural for her, as a loving partner, to want for you what she thinks you want, @Gerald Wilgus, it is her honourable female nature to extend grace, to offer you an opportunity she thinks you want, when you express how you missed out.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

When I was in hospital, I noticed my wife got into some weird debates with the doctors. How long is that piece of plastic going to be in my blader, Does he really need those prostrate drugs. Yes women have sex drives. they try to hide it in couched language, that's how they were socialized. Take away the opportunity to express it even in marriage look out She gave a couple of doctors an ear full when they tried to BS her with lame answers.

 

[Magna]

I think it is a very loving gesture she was offering to allow him the opportunity to have sex with other women, because, in her mind, when Gerald expressed grief and pain over missing out on sex when he was a younger man, before they got together, that must mean he wants to experience sex with other women. It is a understandable jumping to conclusion situation.
I understand his feelings though. My shy Aspie partner also looks back and excruciates over how he missed so many sexual opportunities as a younger man. It is part of that later-development-that-autistic-people-can-go-through to realise and grieve missed opportunities. While my guy friend makes it very clear to me that he wants me and me alone, he has also expressed how he missed out a lot of sexual opportunities due to his autistic lack of social know-how and underconfidence, when he was younger. It is natural for her, as a loving partner, to want for you what she thinks you want, @Gerald Wilgus, it is her honourable female nature to extend grace, to offer you an opportunity she thinks you want, when you express how you missed out.

This kind of scenario (feeling like one has "missed out" on sexual experiences) is never brought up along with "purity culture" movements in Christian faiths.

 

[Neri]

When I was in hospital, I noticed my wife got into some weird debates with the doctors. How long is that piece of plastic going to be in my blader, Does he really need those prostrate drugs. Yes women have sex drives. they try to hide it in couched language, that's how they were socialized. Take away the opportunity to express it even in marriage look out She gave a couple of doctors an ear full when they tried to BS her with lame answers.

Very true. Us females have a social conundrum in that if we are openly showing our sexual interest, we can incur judgement, very detrimental judgement, so we are expected to hide it. My poor partner was VERY confused, as a young man, because he was taught that "women don't like sex" so, being a very good guy, who has always had the purest intent, he would never pursue women, sexually, despite his own healthy male sex drive. He looks back and cringes over realising how many young women were expressing sexual interest in him, that he missed, by buying into this commonly projected fallacy.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Aspychata , @Neri , Thank you. I recognize the grace she is granting me, and I really am uninterested now. She has never denied me, no headaches, no weariness from kids, so no grist for comedians there. And, just her smiling at me when we make love melts my heart. I think that when I went down the rabbit hole of regret I was looking for external validation when right in front of me is validation of my desirability. Slowly I am getting my head straight.

We have had heart to heart discussions about expectations and she is accommodating to my desires (though now with both of us having recent oral surgery we are not at 100%) We share duties, like today she helped me install the induction cooktop for one that died (and the glass surface had me worried as we gingerly put it into the counter). Susan likes "Acts of Service" as her love language so I enjoy what I can do (and it is easy to seduce her, making breakfast for us in bed).

I know what I have missed, and I regret my cluelessness because I can think back to times where I could have made connection but was too frightened/anxious. My regret now is actually thinking that I may have unknowingly let some woman feel rejected. I am telling myself that because the only experiences I have known are with my spouse and have been so very erotic that I ascribe any "fantasy" sex as being very high quality. I am feeling good about myself and am solidly committed to our relationship and cannot imagine a better lover than her.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Very true. Us females have a social conundrum in that if we are openly showing our sexual interest, we can incur judgement, very detrimental judgement, so we are expected to hide it. My poor partner was VERY confused, as a young man, because he was taught that "women don't like sex" so, being a very good guy, who has always had the purest intent, he would never pursue women, sexually, despite his own healthy male sex drive. He looks back and cringes over realising how many young women were expressing sexual interest in him, that he missed, by buying into this commonly projected fallacy.

Just like the cognitive dissonance that I had. How is it that we internalize some pretty stupid messages. I think my first relationship failed when she wanted to move into intimacy and between my autism and the "women don't like sex" fallacy, I did not know how to move our relationship forward. My spouse certainly cured me of that! And even then, she had to be blunt to signal that she wanted me to ask her to make love. I can laugh about that now.