Will my ex coming back after a dealbreaker?

[Pepper]

Hello, I am new here and about autism, but I am trying to learn more and get educated. If anything doesn’t make sense, I have no bad intention behind it, and please correct me. I also have no intention to attack my ex; he is a decent human being, but I'm at the stage where I've got a lot of confusion and I need opinions.

I am NT, and I just broke up with my autistic boyfriend after dating for 7 months. Our relationship started off in high school; I was in my last year of high school, and he is in a grade below (but we’re technically in a 2-year age gap). I knew him from school activities, and he was the one who came up to me, showed interest in me, and asked me out. He had told me that he has autism since the first date, and I've acknowledged that, and everything went great. On the second date, we confessed to each other about the attraction and that we were feeling something more than friends, and I don’t mind getting to know him romantically. We’ve been seeing each other before school and at break times, calling each other, and building the connection. A week later, he asked me to be his girlfriend and make it official. I hesitated at first because I thought it might be too soon, but I do feel like he is the right one, and my feeling is really strong, so I jumped in.

Our relationship continued to be very stable and easy-going, which I liked. We’re going on dates around 1-3 times a week depending on each other’s schedule and putting our responsibilities (school, jobs) first, supporting each other at school, sharing good times together, and relying on each other mentally and emotionally when we feel like we need to. He stated that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life, and we were talking about moving in, getting married, and even having pets together, which makes me think that I have finally found the love of my life and someone who has the same relationship goals as me.

The first conflict starts when I've noticed that sometimes he won't tell me what he has to go through, and he has always gone to one of his friends, and I'm always aware of it as the last person, which sucks because I do want to help him too. He is very attached to this friend, and I have told him a few times that I want him to tell me something about his life too because I am his partner and I am here to share the ups and downs with him. more than three times of confrontation—some progress but small changes. Because he is younger and I love him unconditionally, I've tried my best to stick with him, fix things, and learn together to make the relationship work.

I graduated a month ago, and a week after that, I had to go back to my home country for a holiday. My life is falling apart after graduation, and I have relied on him a lot. I had an argument with him the day before my flight, and it seems like it's been resolved. but he has been very distant since I came back to my home country. He mentioned that he has to go through seasonal depression and autism burnout, plus the tiredness from his shifts. I have tried asking him a few times if he could communicate with me by sending texts if he is doing okay, going to work or going back home safely, or even if he needs space as we are in the long distance right now and I want to stay connected. He had done it for a few days after I asked him, then disappeared for a whole day again. The first time we got to call, he said that he has to mask nearly the whole time when he is with me. I didn't understand the 'masking' at the time, and it‘s painful for me. I've tried to reach out and suggest ways for us to communicate and stay connected, to the point that I only asked him for one text a day, and just the same, the progress then disappeared. He was not communicating with me about how he felt at all.

The last time we called, he said that he feels like he is not enough for me and that he cannot fulfil my needs; he is not a big texter and bad at long distance (even though this is not the first time we are in long distance), and he should just let me go because I am NT and for me to find someone else who can fulfil my needs. I refused, as all I want is to fix and learn with him. Then he said he wanted to take a break, but there was no clarification or mutual agreement on taking a break at all. I reached out to him again, asking for clarification and telling him my wants for taking a break.

The next day, he sent me messages saying that he wanted to break up with me for various reasons. I have done something that is a dealbreaker to him, but the reason I did that is to express my feelings about what I have to suffer with right now and ask him to have some empathy for me as I also have to go through a lot. I felt like most of the reasons were lack of communication, which can be fixed by properly making time to communicate, so I begged him to communicate with me. What hurts me the most is that he said going into this relationship he felt pressured from the start, and I just don’t get why he has to bottle it up for 7 months until it explodes and why he ended things we’ve created together so easily. We are both now in the no-contact stage, and he has blocked me on every social media site.

This is a very detailed thread, but what do you guys think?
Will there be any chances that he might come back even though I did something that is a dealbreaker?

 

[Rodafina]

Based on what you shared here, it sounds like you have a pretty clear answer if you can accept the reality before you. Time for you to tend to your own needs and do what you need to do to heal and move on.

It will hurt.
It will be very sad.
It will be difficult.

It's time to gather your strength and accept the relationship is over.

 

[rse92]

It could be nothing related to autism but rather that he is just no longer in like with you. Seems he is giving you the "its not you, its me" treatment. Distance gave him the opportunity to express and act on feelings he may have been repressing for some time.

 

[Hypnalis]

It's impossible to figure out what really happened with him from your post.

Rodafina might be right, and it's over. But there might be a chance.

Here's two truths you might find it difficult to accept, but you'll have to accept and work with:
1. You don't understand him as well as you think.
2. It's usually very difficult for an NT to bridge that gap in understanding and learn to communicate well with an ND. Even with active help from the ND (the communication issue applies in both directions)

Your first decision is "how much effort are you prepared to put into this"?

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe take some distance, and see where you both are in a couple of months. Maybe he was infatuated then he backed off due to pressures of day to day. We struggle everyday, then we take serious downtime to reassess if everything is workable. And reset ourselves. Nothing is a linear line in our life. If he said it was a deal breaker, I don't think he has enough experience in the relationship dept. yet to determine that. Maybe you should find some more male friends.

 

[Pepper]

Based on what you shared here, it sounds like you have a pretty clear answer if you can accept the reality before you. Time for you to tend to your own needs and do what you need to do to heal and move on.

It will hurt.
It will be very sad.
It will be difficult.

It's time to gather your strength and accept the relationship is over.

Thank you so much, Rodafina. Everything is so hard for me right now.
He also wants me to move on and find someone else; he even mentioned that I would move on pretty easily, and a lot of people are lining up for me. I am now on my healing journey, but because it’s pretty recent and I love him unconditionally, I'll try to find a way to gather my strength back and love him at the same time.

 

[Neri]

A "deal breaker" is a trust breaker, so trust would need to be built if you were to have a future together. That means respecting his boundaries and probably, if you wanted to try mend things, learning a lot more about autism, although having said that we are all unique individuals and "If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person". Still, even asking him for texts was probably too much pressure. Who can tell the future?
Sorry things didn't work out, breakups suck. They are difficult and painful. I feel for you.

 

[Pepper]

It could be nothing related to autism but rather that he is just no longer in like with you. Seems he is giving you the "its not you, its me" treatment. Distance gave him the opportunity to express and act on feelings he may have been repressing for some time.

It hurts thinking about how long he might have been hiding these “pressured” feelings since the start, even though I was never the one who was interested in him first, nor was I the one who asked him out and planned the future. Some of the reasons (that I didn’t list on the post) also involve me being the issue (which, again, I think can be fixed by communication from both parties), so I think we've both messed it up, but the fact that he left me on read makes me think about why and how everything has to end like this.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am sorry you are going through this. I cannot say if he will accept you back into his life, even if you were to meet him face to face and you had a meaningful conversation.

Just for some perspective and context though for the future:
1. Autistic or not, many males would rather be respected than loved, quite literally. Respect is a high priority. Many males would rather be silent than discuss any difficulties they have with a partner because it puts them in a position of weakness and vulnerability.
2. Autistic or not, many males do not want to divulge their feelings to their female partners because their female partners will get upset and not be able to handle what was said, and then the male will end up apologizing for upsetting their partners. Many males will simply bury their feelings rather than express them for no other reason than keeping the peace. The risk, at some point, something will trigger him and he explodes. This is not good, but very common. If you truly want a male to express his feelings, be very aware that most of the time it is going to come out as anger and frustration, not sadness. The gates of Hell will open up. Most female partners will not be able to process any of it with a straight face and keep their composure.
3. Now for the autistic part. Many autistics have difficulties with "Theory of Mind", that is "putting themselves in another's shoes", perspective taking. Usually thoughts and actions are as a result of a rather impulsive, personal perspective. In other words, how it effects them, not the other person. Do not get it confused with narcissism or selfishness, as the motivating factors are quite different. He may only be able to understand his own perspective initially. This is where calm, logical, meaningful conversations can be helpful for him to understand.
4. Autistics will often feel things quite deeply, but also not be able to express those feelings appropriately. Raising one's voice out of frustration and anger can literally shut down the brain of an autistic, leaving us stammering and stuttering, not able to complete a sentence, and certainly will shut down any sort of meaningful conversation. There are calm, relaxed, logical conversations and then there are emotional arguments. Don't do the later.
5. Autism, amongst many other things, is one of the known "low dopamine" neurological conditions. Even if an autistic is not clinically depressed, per se, it is not uncommon for many of us to express ourselves with a "flattened affect". Then all it takes is some sort of emotionally-triggering negative event or someone putting us down or rejection, whatever, and than can put us into a rather deep depression or "funk" that can last for days or weeks. A depressed person has a very difficult time with logical reasoning and suddenly everything in their life is viewed in a negative manner. It's a horrible thing to go through for them and the people who are closest to them.

Most people have heard of autism, but have no clue as to the experience. We are quite literally "wired up" differently from a brain anatomy perspective, altered hormonal and neurotransmitter perspective, and it effects the GI tract, immune system, and neuro-motor functioning. It is a medical condition with secondary behavioral and intellectual processing traits. It's not just being "neurodiverse", it's significantly more than that. We experience our world in sometimes very different ways and it is quite difficult sometimes to adapt and fit into a neurotypical world, let alone have meaningful interpersonal relationships.

I hope this was useful in some way.

 

[kriss72]

When you say that you went back to your home country, does that imply that apart from the NT-Autism difference there is a cultural difference between you too? I have been in two relationships where we came from different cultures - it took the second one for me the understand what really happened in the first one...

I think there is some kind of communication issue as a deeper problem in the relationship you two had, whether you are from different cultures or not. - It's hard to say without knowing him, but I wouldn't worry about the "deal-breaker" comment in it self - it is more what went before it...

 

[Tom]

The age is an important factor I think. First women tend to mature earlier, and also, people on the spectrum later then NTs. I'm not putting us (ASD) down, it's just we tend to be on a shallower incline when it comes learning about relationships. And he's younger to begin with. I'm sure everyone's different but I didn't feel like I was beginning to understand until mid to later 20s.

Masking is very common, and I am not surprised he did so when initiating a relationship. Basically you are afraid of what the other would think if they saw the real (autisic) you. And it is exhausting.

It doesn't sound like you put any harsh pressure on him and were willing to work with it, which leaves me thinking it may be more then the autism. People change their feelings. It happens a lot and especially when young. It's quite baffling when someone says they love you and then a week later they don't. But it happens all the time. But when people break up they often try to do so in a way that limits hurt feelings so will come up with various reasons and rationales 'It's not you, it's me' sort of thing. Hear the words but pay attention most to actions. He's moving away from you. There's no special trick to get an Aspie back. Let it go.

 

[Judge]

Very sad to hear. I can't help but wonder had you not returned to your home country that the relationship might have still be intact, yet for only so long. That his being separated from you for a time allowed him to temporarily embrace solitude without any masking, which is something we must have periodically. It's quite possible that he needed to be apart from you more than you knew. A place I've been in myself years ago.

And when we don't get that solitude, that it can strain a relationship to a breaking point, even when there are no perceivable signs that it could suddenly happen. That would be my guess at least. Especially if he was particularly fatigued. Not really grasping that the last thing to do is to make such big decisions in a state of exhaustion.

However his use of the term "dealbreaker" would be of great concern to me. That's a very strong term to define the end of any relationship. Even more so if he came to the conclusion that he could not sustain an intimate relationship with someone who is not on the spectrum of autism. When the possibility of solitude may be distinctly preferable to loneliness. Assuming of course based on your post that this lies at the crux of the matter and why he broke up with you. I'm afraid from my point of view that kind of reasoning would leave very little room for the possibility of reconciliation.

Have to agree with the others. Let it go. As an autistic person, I can only say that it's a constant struggle attempting to balance solitude and socialization, and how it measures up against loneliness.

 

[Thinx]

It does sound like he finds it hard to sustain the relationship in your absence, which I certainly do find is an issue for me as an autiein relationshipto friends, colleagues or partners. Also, you then wanted support aswell, but he doesn't have that for you. A relationship with him would likely be more about you and he both being independent, and it sounds like you wanted something different due to how you are feeling about things.

What are the problems you are up against, apart from the relationship issue? Getting a grip on those and achieving your independence maybe the most relevant area for you to look into, ready for your next relationship.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Pepper

I replied earlier, but based on the assumption that you were actively trying to get back together.

Now I'm not so sure that was correct, so here's another perspective. It's very brief. I could expand it, but if your goal is to disengage quickly and cleanly as possible, an ND assessment of what might have happened isn't necessarily what you want.

So, assuming you've decided it's over, but still given the two facts I included above (these aren't dependent on you or your ex):

* He's very unlikely to try to negotiate a return to your previous relationship. What I wrote above assumed you wanted to do this, and were prepared to take the initiative.
* It's very likely his interest was 100% genuine from the beginning
* Assuming his friend is another ND guy, your ex was probably working on the relationship - specifically on the ND/NT communication issues.
* Masking takes considerable mental effort. "I have to mask nearly the whole time I'm with you" may well have been intended to convey the same thing as my text in italics above.

NB: If I was to "slice and dice" your first post, and you filled in the gaps (e.g. the interactions before and after your trip home) I might be able to add more to that list, but I suggest that (at least with my new contextual assumption) extra details won't actually be useful for you.