Work stress and contact issues?

[HapHSP]

NT female here trying to understand ASP bf. Does stress from work/other places outside of your relationship make anyone want to slow or stop communication? Does it make your ability to cognitively empathize more difficult?

 

[Naturalist]

When I am stressed, social interaction is the first thing I unable to manage. Even calling on the phone becomes difficult because I don't know how much the other person will talk, and it might be more than I can tolerate. Email can also feel daunting, I might wish to send a short email but don't know how to keep it from sounding abrupt or angry. I often misinterpret others more or sound annoyed if I am stressed. So I don't connect, even if I know I should, or want to, because it is safer to maintain a distance. This also gives me space to work on one problem at a time without distractions, which is the only way I can prevent overload.

I wish others understood that this isn't anything personal. My family has always seen my tendency to withdraw as insulting. Just now I went in my room to be alone for some quiet and can hear my mother outside, complaining that I am not spending enough time with everyone. She's saying I am in a **** mood and need to stop being rude to people. But I haven't said anything, just went to my room to be alone.

I know this doesn't help you to feel less neglected, but I really commend that you are trying to be understanding. Maybe you could send him a note like, "I know you are overloaded right now, but I want you to know I am here to help if you need me." Then maybe suggest an activity that is of interest to both of you, at a specific date in the future (maybe a week or two off, so he has time to plan and anticipate?).

 

[HapHSP]

Hi, thanks for the thoughtful reply. It's been tough communicating in he last month as his work life has become intense, and I've been pretty understanding as I know it's not easy for him to juggle focuses. To be honest, as a somewhat introverted person I understand the need for alone time (I face the same issue at my parents' house as you do, although I think I succumb to pressure to be social when I often feel an intense need not to be -- hard for me to say no I guess). I also respect anyone's need to live their lives a way that makes it possible for them to be healthy and happy. However, sometimes he goes no contact with me for days at a time -- typically when we are both out of town. This is tough for me as these times are often when I feel a bit more needy. I've tried to tell him this but I think it's hard for him to wrap his head around the concept of someone missing him, especially when he feels like he desperately needs to recharge himself.

I guess that's a follow-up question I have -- what are your experiences with time perception? You said reach out in a week or two, but for an NT this inconsistent communication or gaps can be a tough learning curve when I am used to reliable or consistent support and contact.
Also, what are your thoughts on being away from a S.O.? Do you ever feel you have a "out of sight, out of mind" mentality? Sometimes he seems surprised when I mention missing him, which makes me feel a bit like I am compartmentalized in his mind.

 

[Naturalist]

Hi, thanks for the thoughtful reply. It's been tough communicating in he last month as his work life has become intense, and I've been pretty understanding as I know it's not easy for him to juggle focuses. To be honest, as a somewhat introverted person I understand the need for alone time (I face the same issue at my parents' house as you do, although I think I succumb to pressure to be social when I often feel an intense need not to be -- hard for me to say no I guess). I also respect anyone's need to live their lives a way that makes it possible for them to be healthy and happy. However, sometimes he goes no contact with me for days at a time -- typically when we are both out of town. This is tough for me as these times are often when I feel a bit more needy. I've tried to tell him this but I think it's hard for him to wrap his head around the concept of someone missing him, especially when he feels like he desperately needs to recharge himself.

I guess that's a follow-up question I have -- what are your experiences with time perception? You said reach out in a week or two, but for an NT this inconsistent communication or gaps can be a tough learning curve when I am used to reliable or consistent support and contact.
Also, what are your thoughts on being away from a S.O.? Do you ever feel you have a "out of sight, out of mind" mentality? Sometimes he seems surprised when I mention missing him, which makes me feel a bit like I am compartmentalized in his mind.

I wouldn't wait a week or two to reach out--touch base with him now, but suggest to meet for time together at a specific date and time, a week or two from now. Giving him specifics instead of leaving the date and time open makes it easier to plan. And if he is stressed, asking to meet whenever it's convenient for him might actually add to his anxiety, if he doesn't know when will be convenient. I have a very hard time with the details of scheduling when stressed. Better yet, give him two choices--meet on this day at this time to do this activity, or that date at that time to do that activity. Not more than two choices though.

I can say I don't really find myself "missing " people. I am a vivid thinker: when I think about someone, I can visualize them, see their mannerisms, even "hear" their voice. So I don't always feel the need to have them right there, in person, in order to appreciate their presence in my life. But relationships go two ways and if spending time one on one on a very regular basis is necessary for you, the two of you will have to negotiate ways to make that happen in ways that aren't a drain on either party. Maybe have a "secret" way to connect on stressful days, such as sending an e-card or a brief text. Agree to the method ahead and set a time to connect each day so it becomes part of his routine. When my husband is out of town, I can easily lose track of time if I don't set a timer to call him at 8:00 each night.

 

[HapHSP]

I wouldn't wait a week or two to reach out--touch base with him now, but suggest to meet for time together at a specific date and time, a week or two from now. Giving him specifics instead of leaving the date and time open makes it easier to plan. And if he is stressed, asking to meet whenever it's convenient for him might actually add to his anxiety, if he doesn't know when will be convenient. I have a very hard time with the details of scheduling when stressed. Better yet, give him two choices--meet on this day at this time to do this activity, or that date at that time to do that activity. Not more than two choices though.

I can say I don't really find myself "missing " people. I am a vivid thinker: when I think about someone, I can visualize them, see their mannerisms, even "hear" their voice. So I don't always feel the need to have them right there, in person, in order to appreciate their presence in my life. But relationships go two ways and if spending time one on one on a very regular basis is necessary for you, the two of you will have to negotiate ways to make that happen in ways that aren't a drain on either party. Maybe have a "secret" way to connect on stressful days, such as sending an e-card or a brief text. Agree to the method ahead and set a time to connect each day so it becomes part of his routine. When my husband is out of town, I can easily lose track of time if I don't set a timer to call him at 8:00 each night.

Thanks for this. I think I can also visualize people as they are, but connecting with them "live," so to speak, is more fulfilling for me. Don't you ever wish you could see or hear from someone as they are today, not as they exist in your mind? I've been reading a lot about "mind blindness" and perhaps that concept explains why there isn't a need to see how someone else is living their life when you can't actually physically be near them, since the ability to emotionally empathize isn't present. Not sure though -- and i don't mean to offend if I have!

Your contact idea is useful in theory, however right now he has (I believe) turned his phone off. He is currently "off the grid" so I have no way of contacting him! It's ok in a way because I respect his need to disconnect and to feel present, but I wish he had warned me he would be doing this. He has forgotten to let me know he was going to go incommunicado before, and he profusely apologized after. However, that was only a few days long, and this has been over a week -- and I assumed he would have remembered this time. It's hard as an NT used to relationships with other NT's to not take this personally or see it as a signal that I don't mean very much to him. Do you ever need to completely disconnect when you are feeling overwhelmed by life? Do you grasp that NT's, by nature, do need contact here and there?

I'd like to do a secret way to connect, but he's been pretty good at it up until the work stress seemed to make him distant, and I don't want to suggest that he is doing something wrong, per se, if he is just super stressed. I don't know, it's hard to negotiate what I know I need when I also don't want to force him to be uncomfortable :/

I am also not sure if I made myself part of the stress by telling him honestly that I was sad we didn't have a chance to connect in person before he left town. He seemed confused as to why I would be sad. I suppose to cultural norm of seeing a partner before you part ways for a length of time may not be something that occurs to him? Do you ever find yourself not realizing such cultural norms? I want to understand him so that he and I can both feel emotionally safe. I'm very worried about pushing him away, however.

 

[Cerulean]

Communication is the first thing to go for me as well. It's one of the most unnecessary parts of life that can absolutely wait until I get my head back on straight. Anyone who knows me well knows that I'll sometimes go quiet but will pop back on the scene when I'm ready.

Don't you ever wish you could see or hear from someone as they are today, not as they exist in your mind?

This is intriguing, thank you, I will be thinking about this one!

I can say I don't really find myself "missing " people. I am a vivid thinker: when I think about someone, I can visualize them, see their mannerisms, even "hear" their voice. So I don't always feel the need to have them right there, in person, in order to appreciate their presence in my life.

I'm the same way, even people I love dearly I never feel like I'm missing. My boyfriend will say he misses me when I'm at work and I don't understand what that means. I mean I understand it logically but I'm rarely away for more than 8 hours and we text during the day. Whenever someone says they miss me I just say I missed them too because otherwise they think I'm a jerk.