Worried about an aspie friend

[sparklet]

I’ve met this incredibly sweet and amazing guy online. It’s kind of pen-pal sort of a thing and we just clicked after first few letters.
I knew about his depression and anxiety problems from the very start. I went through similar things in my life before, so it was easy for us to talk honestly about these experiences.
What I didn’t know until a couple of weeks ago is that he has aspergers.
Honestly, I’m not sure if it would have made any difference if I knew that from the start. He’s an amazing friend and I really care about him.
He had a few relationships (romantic and not) in the past that ended really badly (as in he was mentally and physically abused). And I’ve been acting like a mother hen towards him. It’s silly and probably even unhealthy for both of us, but I just can’t help it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not acting like that because of his aspergers. It doesn’t really bother me at all, it’s just his past experiences that trigger those feelings.
What worries me is that the more I coddle him, the more he latches on me. And I guess that’s a natural reaction. But the amount of emails I get from him every day is steadily increasing. Is it likely that I’m becoming an obsession for him? If so, how can I help him to deal with it without encouraging it and making it any worse?
I can’t just stop caring about him and I can’t suddenly stop showing him that I do. I just don’t want to hurt him. It’s all so confusing… Am I just thinking too much and worrying for no reason?

 

[Ereth]

Considering the social difficulties that many Aspies have, I'm not surprised that he's turned to you. I can't tell whether he's obsessed or just lonely---but you did say that you have been "mothering" him. I think you could gently address this issue in your next correspondence. You don't have to stop caring about him at all, but you should be careful not to make yourself seem like the only outlet he has. You can give him advice and be his friend, but you can't take the place of a professional counselor, or his mother.

 

[MoCoffee]

You sound like a very caring person, and you are wise to see that his attachment to you could be a problem. Does he know about this site? It might help if he feels he has a community of people who can relate to him. It would be really sad if you get to the point where you feel you have to cut him out of your life.

 

[Judge]

I can’t just stop caring about him and I can’t suddenly stop showing him that I do. I just don’t want to hurt him. It’s all so confusing… Am I just thinking too much and worrying for no reason?

You sound positively charming! Someone who cares deeply, but has the sense to read in between the lines as well. No, you are not thinking too much. You're addressing a largely Aspie audience, and we are frequently accused of thinking too much about everything.

Obsessions revolving around things appear to be par for the course with us Aspies. However obsessions revolving around people I think can be problematic no matter what one's neurological condition may be.

Perhaps one thing you need to do is to define to him what you consider your relationship to honestly be with him at the present. Be definitive and decisive. After all, he's an Aspie, so don't beat around the bush. Of course I should probably point out that in your initial post you really haven't committed to saying what your relationship with him actually is, or more importantly might be. If being a pen-pal is as far as you ever intended this to go, you should probably focus on that.

If it has potential to go beyond that, then it gets more complicated. We can be very complex. We value friendship in an intense fashion. We also value our solitude. It can be very confusing, not only to Neurotypicals, but to ourselves...at least from my personal perspective.

 

[Spinning Compass]

One thing I have observed in Aspie-Neurotypical interactions is all too frequently the well-meaning Neurotypical tends to take on too much responsibility for the Aspie. I know that people try to parent me even though I am almost sixty years old. I do not need a parent, what I need is a friend. I don't need someone to do things for me, I need someone who will respect my independence and the need to do things for myself. I want the same thing as you do, I want people to respect my dignity, my right to define my life, my thoughts and my feelings, and not do these things for me. Instead of assuming, to ask.

Apart from neurological reasons why we obsess about things, I think we do so because we simply have not been encouraged to grow as people, to come out of our comfort zones, to think for ourselves. Instead of being abled, we are dis-abled. We are not taught the skills we need and it seems that we are either micromanaged or allowed to do our own thing without a word until a rift opens up between us and our Neurotypical friends, and we are caught blindsided because we literally never saw it coming.

How would you treat this friend if you did not know they were on the spectrum? Would you treat them any different? If so, how and why are you treating your Aspie friend differently, especially if they have not specifically asked to be treated differently. My rule of thumb, which I have had no success in getting through to people, is if you would not do that or say that to someone else who was doing or saying the same thing, then do not single me out. If my talking "loud" bothers you, don't tell me to "shh" yet say nothing to the guy in the next cubicle who can be heard all over the floor. If you aren't saying anything to him about his volume, but you are to me (and I am not half as loud--I think), do not say it to me. We Aspies are very sensitive when it comes to issues of fairness and I say rightly so, because we have been treated unfairly.

 

[sparklet]

Thank you guys! You helped me to understand quite a few things. I know that I need to tone down all that ‘mothering’, but it’s just what I do with everyone I care about.
And I guess I am treating him a bit differently, but it’s because of the depression, not aspergers. Not that it makes it any fairer.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

Aspies like black and white logic (At least I do). I get frustrated when people skirt around issues, its always painfully transparent, its not like they are fooling me. I know I would appreciate it a ton if a friend of mine just logically said, "Hey, I like you but I'm concerned about a.b. c. & d etc, etc... Logically talk to me. Aspies tend to be smart, and I'm sure he can see things from every angle already.

Also, you keep callin him your 'friend', but are you sure he doesn't have a romantic interest in you?It kind of sounds like he might. Dating an Aspie is definitely not all bad. You might be pleasantly surprised. Would a romantic relationship ever be a realistic option between you two? You should address that honestly and logically as well. There is a statistical chance that this fellow is not the most social guy in the world, so he might be funneling his attention towards you, in the hopes of you ultimately filling the place of his friend and girlfriend.


I dont know enough about either of you to give sound advice. This is just my opinion.

 

[Ste11aeres]

First of all, I wouldn't be too worried even if he is obsessed with you. We Aspies tend to obsess. I cannot help obsessing over something I am involved in. I can obsess over anything, and am always obsessed about something. It can be a real headache for me, but it is something I really and truly cannot help. I obsess over anyone I care about.

You can explicitly ask him if he feels obsessed about you, and maybe have a good discussion about it.
The word "obsessed" tends to put a bad feel in people's mouths, but in actuality, obsession doesn't necessarily cause harm. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.
Obsession is, for instance, a horrible problem in cases when the obsessing person is a bad person, (who might try to rape you for instance,
Potential Rapist Profile ) or a mediocre person (who might get drunk and then try to rape you How To Avoid Rape) Probably not the case here. Or if the obsessee is a bad person who would "take advantage" of the obsessed person or force them into an abusive relationship.

Again, probably not the case.That being said, it is understandable if you are uncomfortable with someone possible being obsessed with you. Please talk to him about it, explicitly and clearly. If the number or length of emails he is sending you bothers you, please tell him explicitly and clearly. Please explain the reasons for your discomfort as clearly as possible. Let him know that you don't dislike him, that dislike is not the reason for wanting fewer emails.

Remember, while some of us are very silent, some other Aspies, when they to speak and write, go on and on and on. Maybe he is like that.

Unlike the other posters, I wouldn't be too quick to look on this as a romantic relationship. At least not a real one. You guys have not met in person. And in my opinion, true romantic chemistry does not exist over the internet. Although a lonely person could still pin romantic hopes on an online friend.

I think you are probably worrying more than you need to.

P.S. There is one way in which you need to treat him differently because of his Aspergers. It is necessary to verbally say things and explain things, and to do so very clearly. If you don't know what he's thinking, go ahead and ask. And he can't mindread, so go ahead and tell him what you are thinking.
It sounds like you have a nice sweet friendship. I think you have a tendency towards anxiety, perhaps the "mothering" is actually caused by that, and this anxiety is causing you to worry more than necessary.

Good luck developing and deepening this friendship.