Would love to understand my boyfriend better

[Penelopepitstop]

I have been dating my boyfriend 16 months now and as time has passed, I have realised I am deeply in love with him. But I have also noticed over time that things didn't add up. On the one hand, he insured me on his beloved Range Rover which demonstrated that he saw me in his future but on the other hand, there is no sign of me meeting his 5 year son from his failed marriage despite being fully integrated in my life and my children. From some tiny little thing he said in the car a few months ago, I started looking at Aspergers websites and can't believe how many boxes he ticked. I ended up writing him a letter that I thought he may be an aspie and my reasons for believing this and he wholeheartedly agreed with me although has never been diagnosed. Despite all I read on the internet about Aspie/NT relationships, my heart will not allow me to walk away (like his wife and previous girlfriends before that) and only feel more determined to see if we can be one of the successful stories .

After some gentle coaxing, he explained how he has different boxes in his mind for each of me, his son, work and his wife (from whom he has been separated for 3 years now) and he is finding it difficult to merge the boxes. It explains a lot about why he still interacts with is wife (he can't see the point of a divorce) on a daily basis sending morning and good night texts; something which as a NT, I find slightly inappropriate but am willing to overcome as he has confirmed to me that they have been separated far too long to rekindle any kind of romantic relationship.

I suppose what I am seeking assistance with is trying to help my boyfriend see that there is a lot that can be gained from merging the boxes - I can help him with his son - I have a great house, great children and a good income and would love nothing more than to see my boyfriend there with his son, all of us enjoying time together and going on adventures, being the blended family I so crave with him after the collapse of my own marriage. At the moment, he spends every other weekend in solitude with his son and I can't help think that it would be good for the son too.

I dearly love the man and the last thing I would want to do is to leave him but wonder whether he will ever truly find the ability to merge my box and his son's box. At the end of the day, I would love to have a happy family with us all being able to do stuff together such as going on vacation. At the moment, we are serious but it seems only when he's not with his son. Any positive tips or comments that could help him to let me in to his son's box would be greatly appreciated

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

suppose what I am seeking assistance with is trying to help my boyfriend see that there is a lot that can be gained from merging the boxes

A thought experiment : what if everything was okay the way it is now?
What are the advantages of the non blend from your boyfriends perspective?

It is your desire for the blend. Do you have to have your way on it?

It may happen over time anyway, is there a hurry?

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Hi. Welcome to the forum. I think it is commendable you are even giving a still married Aspie guy a chance, as many persons would run faster than a Cheetah once they learned that.

I am unsure if the separate boxes for each person is mostly because of his Aspergers, as that would not be unusual to do, in terms of organizing or wanting things separate to keep some emotional distance, or be because of compartmentalizing, or because of necessity?

Regarding the latter, I mean, the marriage has not officially legally ended, and not in his mind either or there would be steps proceeding there, so how could he act more like a family to you with his son, until that was the case?

Even if he had that ability to join those mental boxes one day and see you, him and his son as a family together, I am sure his wife could have other plans, unless you got along with her and she saw that unity of you all as a good thing and without any jealousy.

I am not sure why she does not want to divorce, if she does not have desires of a future with him. What is she getting out of that? Is she waiting until Mr right comes along? Does she still want some form of control over him?

I am unsure of the legality issues too, if there is no official divorce, nor am I sure if it is was a legal separation, so that could be causing that awkwardness and anxiety, too. Personally, I would have concerns by what I see, as it would not be good to be treated as an outsider in those ways, if you are making many of the efforts.

Maybe ask him directly how he envisions you and him in the future, just as great friends, romantic partners, or a couple united through marriage, if he knows that yet. And if applicable, ask why he does not feel comfortable with divorce, and with him having you meet his son?

And ask him if he could envision one day just a life with you forever, or just as some temporary thing? Depending upon his answers, act accordingly. It is great that his wife and he seems to be acting civil to each other and on some good terms, for the sake of the child, but that definitely complicates things, in knowing how to proceed.

 

[OkRad]

Aspies are still people. The fact that he is still married and you are in the picture does not bode well. He has you and her and everything else. Why should he make a move. I hate to thrown cold water on the whole thing, but personally, I would never date an openly married man. Ever. The chances of you being the new wife are very slim.

 

[Bolletje]

I have to agree with @OkRad and @Dadwith2Autisticsons on the whole married thing. I'm all for non-traditional relationships when all parties are on the same page and all parties are happy with the arrangement. I get the feeling you are not, however. How do you feel about his wife still being in the picture? And has he explained why he doesn't see the point of a divorce? His need to compartmentalize aspects of his life may very well be an Aspie thing, but that doesn't give him a free pass to have his cake and eat it too.

It might be a good time to sit down together and talk about what both of you want from the future in terms of living arrangements, your relationship, and stuff. Be honest and figure out if you both want the same thing, and if not, if both of you can make acceptable compromises to keep things working together. If he wants to keep his son in the compartment of him and his wife, are you okay with that? If he wants to stay married to his wife and talk to her daily, are you okay with that? Would you be okay with your relationship staying the way it is right now?

 

[Keigan]

This is an excellent question, one that should be considered:

A thought experiment : what if everything was okay the way it is now?

@Penelopepitstop ,

One aspie trait that is not mentioned very often is that sometimes we don’t follow the rules of society. In your case if I understand correctly your partner is still married, to your partner he might not have much weight on the concept of remaining married vs getting a divorce - to him it might be “no big deal”. To him, he might not care much about the proper rules of society or that others feel they are applicable to him.

Boxes, very perfect aspie trait again. Many of us interact with the world by choice more than feeling, so a box is a way to compartmentalizations and prioritize how we extend our energy and time. It is also a domain boundary in support of routine “this weekend with my son will be this way”, attempting to change that could be monumental for that box and boundary definition might be necessary for him to keep it together.

Your descriptions of current and previous relationships are very telling, please research the following and bring some observations into this thread.

Research the following in order:
- Asperger’s syndrome, empathy challenges
- Alexithymia, not having words for emotions and not recognizing emotions on others
- Casandra Syndrome, emotional reciprocity
- write down your own emotion needs from your partner to determine if they are truly being met

Observation:
- does your partner speak with “I think the apple is bright red” or with “I feel the warmth of the apple”
—> the difference is that one is empathic and the other is a rationalization of emotions by a thinker.

I suspect you are empathic as you are offering to help your partner, this is a good thing as long as you understand that:
- your emotional needs may or may not be met by your partner.
- his expression may never have an emotional connection because that is how he is wired and that wiring will never change.

Point being - Look for the evidence that your needs can be met, not the perception that maybe some day they will be met.

 

[Suzanne]

Wow, I have come to find an explaination for my own life, through what your boyfriend said lol

My husband is always complaining that I lead a single life, which has really perplexed me, because I know I am married, but indeed, what is obviously taking place is putting things in boxes. So, in fact, when my husband goes to work, that is a box and from that point, til he arrives home, I am single ( but not to the extent of what single entails with guys). I am unable to merge them together. It is very much like; what is behind me, is behind and therefore actually does not exist.

Bravo you for wanting to keep with him, but I am sorry to break the news with you, but if he has not got a divorce yet, he is still married and so, really in my christian mind, you should not be dating. Well, at least he should get a divorce, because in the eyes of the law, he is still married.

It is great that he agreed with your findings.

 

[xudo]

There maybe others here who can offer more insight, but ultimately even if he is on the spectrum, we're all different. I've only had the one relationship (current) so I'm not the best for relationship advice.

It explains a lot about why he still interacts with is wife (he can't see the point of a divorce) on a daily basis sending morning and good night texts; something which as a NT, I find slightly inappropriate

I'm Aspie, and I find that massively inappropriate and frankly, pretty weird. That's not to say other Aspie's would, and maybe there's some NT's who wouldn't find that odd..but I do.

 

[Judge]

Somehow this sounds more like Prince Charles and less like "Prince Charming".

Setting any consideration of neurology aside and simply ask, "Do I want to be the ultimate third wheel?"

In such circumstances if anything it seems more indicative of what Bolletje posted. One who wants "having their cake and eat it too". Maybe that's the one critical thing to consider in such a relationship.

 

[Ambi]

Here is a general thought.....for everyone trying to better understand their Aspie significant others, including this situation. Beyond the fact that he is still married. I think it would be far more effective way to improve the relationship if the Aspie partner themselves would get on this website and start working towards understanding themselves and NTs better. Then the NT partners can learn about Aspie stuff as well....but without the Aspie doing a bunch of their own homework, things aren't going to become much better or clearer, imho.

 

[Chance]

I have been dating my boyfriend 16 months now and as time has passed, I have realised I am deeply in love with him. But I have also noticed over time that things didn't add up. On the one hand, he insured me on his beloved Range Rover which demonstrated that he saw me in his future but on the other hand, there is no sign of me meeting his 5 year son from his failed marriage despite being fully integrated in my life and my children. From some tiny little thing he said in the car a few months ago, I started looking at Aspergers websites and can't believe how many boxes he ticked. I ended up writing him a letter that I thought he may be an aspie and my reasons for believing this and he wholeheartedly agreed with me although has never been diagnosed. Despite all I read on the internet about Aspie/NT relationships, my heart will not allow me to walk away (like his wife and previous girlfriends before that) and only feel more determined to see if we can be one of the successful stories .

After some gentle coaxing, he explained how he has different boxes in his mind for each of me, his son, work and his wife (from whom he has been separated for 3 years now) and he is finding it difficult to merge the boxes. It explains a lot about why he still interacts with is wife (he can't see the point of a divorce) on a daily basis sending morning and good night texts; something which as a NT, I find slightly inappropriate but am willing to overcome as he has confirmed to me that they have been separated far too long to rekindle any kind of romantic relationship.

I suppose what I am seeking assistance with is trying to help my boyfriend see that there is a lot that can be gained from merging the boxes - I can help him with his son - I have a great house, great children and a good income and would love nothing more than to see my boyfriend there with his son, all of us enjoying time together and going on adventures, being the blended family I so crave with him after the collapse of my own marriage. At the moment, he spends every other weekend in solitude with his son and I can't help think that it would be good for the son too.

I dearly love the man and the last thing I would want to do is to leave him but wonder whether he will ever truly find the ability to merge my box and his son's box. At the end of the day, I would love to have a happy family with us all being able to do stuff together such as going on vacation. At the moment, we are serious but it seems only when he's not with his son. Any positive tips or comments that could help him to let me in to his son's box would be greatly appreciated

Hi and welcome,
I like the "thinking in boxes" ... I always say thinking in pictures and I have like this mental file where everyone is separate mostly... very easy for me to see, but not easy to explain.

As for the other stuff... Wow. I'm sort of in the same boat as he is (separation and not knowing what to do), but never could I handle the pressures of another romantic relationship on top of one the one is in turmoil. He may feel things are okay the way they are in his mind, but the legalities and leverage from his wife's perspective could give him a real nightmare down the road (maybe not).

At the end of the day... He is still married, and its cool if he wants you first and foremost in his life, but he needs to close the previous chapter and make things right, so everyone can move forward.

In my very narrow scope, I just don't see many (or any) ASD types who can handle 2 different romances at once. Maybe he sees the other one done and finished... The problem is, it isn't. So, that would make me worry if he is going to make a pattern out of this?

Unwavering loyalty is a deep ASD trait. I battle horribly with even thinking about ending something I promised was for life, so some of this isn't adding up real well in my ASD head, but thats nothing new either...

Good luck to you and I hope things work out well for you. : )