Would you want to be defined by your looks?

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I mean it is hard in society when so many people define a person this way.
And women especially but also some men.
I mean you are more than your appearance, we have a heart and soul and your appearance is just a small chunk of you.
And I think it is wrong to presume a women cannot be anything she wants, if she wants to feel pretty and gorgeous and wear makeup each day she can and scream to the world she is a stunning women then she can.
People only judge because they are jealous or a prude in the sense they think women should not be overly concerned about the outer appearance but then they will not like their outer appearance so hypocritical.
Some women are awful though, they are just really horrible inside and who would want to have anyone like that in your life.
Some women at least have a caring side others have a real venomous side and seem unable to rid themselves of it.

 

[Judge]

I probably am given my age. Which more often than not isn't a good thing.

 

[elgat0verde]

I am because of my age as well, as @Judge stated.

But I don't care, I dress for comfort and could care less about what people think about me. I love my shirt and jeans or untucked shirt and jeans and I almost exclusively wear my 4 hoodies in winter with my jeans.

Screw what they say, I want to be confortable

 

[Darkkin]

Reasonably speaking, how often is one faced with the 'We are only going to define you by this one physical trait' scenarios that are not specific to a lifestyle choice?

e.g. an entertainer or a professional athlete

Occasional gender bias encounters do happen, but as a whole, are not nearly as widespread as it has been in the past.

Thusly, if that is the type of mindset in those whose company one keeps, and the aforementioned lifestyle choices are not one's own choice it might be prudent to find new associates.

Pretty privilege and the social biases associated it are a sliding scale unique to the context of any given situation. It can be ridiculously effective camouflage when one wants to pass unseen or unbothered. There is an inherent intimidation factor at play that can act as a buffer, an odd type of look but don't touch.

Personality is an entirely separate phenomenon that has little or nothing to do with one's personal appearance. To assume a physically pleasing exterior equates superiority in intelligence and/or consciousness seems a bit daft.

If one is defining and limiting one's self solely by their looks, it can be an indicator of a larger underlying psychological issue.

However, a decent number of studies have shown that dressing up in an outfit that you like can have significant impact on depression or a bad mood. (You like being the key factor...)

A simple sundress on a hot summer day or a smart pair of boots with a favorite pair of jeans on a blustery fall day...it's one of those things you either like or you don't.

Comfortable definitely has its place in the world and I admit to owning plenty of jeans and nerdy t-shirts, but I also like pretty things as well and they take no more effort to wear than jeans and a t-shirt. And in terms of social camouflage, one's appearance is an influential tool. It is the difference between knowing how to use it effectively and being wholly dependent on it as one's identity.

Real world example:

Rue Dog is a very pretty boy. He's intelligent, motivated, playful, and high energy. He is also obnoxious, people selective, stubborn, and very loud. He's not a beginner friendly dog, but he is a perfect fit at our house.

People see Rue Dog and assume he is as easy-going and laid back as his puppy smile and jaunty tail make him seem, simply because he's a pretty dog. He isn't. He's independent and introverted, requiring a proper introduction to anyone new. He has a big personality and it can make people uncomfortable because he is a vocal breed with a huge play drive, much like a demanding toddler.

Another example orchids. They're popular, widely available, and very pretty. But how many people stop to figure out how to keep them alive after they're done blooming? Realistically how many people pull a yellowing orchid out of its potting medium to assess the roots, prune damaged areas, and put in the work to keep it healthy so it will bloom again?

 

[Luca]

I'm definitely judged on my appearance a lot, especially by other women, but I absolutely don't want my looks to define me.

I do the best I can with the physical traits that I have. I'm never going to look like a model or an influencer, and I'm never going to be tall and skinny, so there's no sense in trying.

I wear whatever I think is comfortable and cute, and I do my hair and makeup the way I want to. If people find that unattractive that's kind of their problem. Beauty standards are incredibly unrealistic which is why I do get insulted about my appearance in the first place.

 

[Slime_Punk]

Mostly I feel like I'm judged by my actions and personality 99% of the time. Even strangers can tell that I don't really want to interact with them much, and unfortunately that can come off as insulting rather than just a manifestation of anxiety.

I'm usually drawn to personalities, though. Even in relationships, looks have never been the dominant factor

 

[Luca]

Even strangers can tell that I don't really want to interact with them much, and unfortunately that can come off as insulting rather than just a manifestation of anxiety.

Yeah, I have the same problem. I definitely give off "don't talk to me" vibes when I'm in public most of the time lol

If someone is nice to me first though, I'm always nice back. Most people just aren't that way where I live so I'm defensively standoffish.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I don't really mind being perceived as a short-ish, long-haired, dad-bodded fellow.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I'm definitely judged on my appearance a lot, especially by other women, but I absolutely don't want my looks to define me.

I do the best I can with the physical traits that I have. I'm never going to look like a model or an influencer, and I'm never going to be tall and skinny, so there's no sense in trying.

I wear whatever I think is comfortable and cute, and I do my hair and makeup the way I want to. If people find that unattractive that's kind of their problem. Beauty standards are incredibly unrealistic which is why I do get insulted about my appearance in the first place.

Yes it is hurtful and challenging how much women judge on appearance and also put themselves down.
With some work with anyone can look a bit more beautiful

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I'm definitely judged on my appearance a lot, especially by other women, but I absolutely don't want my looks to define me.

I do the best I can with the physical traits that I have. I'm never going to look like a model or an influencer, and I'm never going to be tall and skinny, so there's no sense in trying.

I wear whatever I think is comfortable and cute, and I do my hair and makeup the way I want to. If people find that unattractive that's kind of their problem. Beauty standards are incredibly unrealistic which is why I do get insulted about my appearance in the first place.

Yes it is hurtful and challenging how much women judge on appearance and also put themselves down.
With some with anyone can look a bit more beautiful

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Mostly I feel like I'm judged by my actions and personality 99% of the time. Even strangers can tell that I don't really want to interact with them much, and unfortunately that can come off as insulting rather than just a manifestation of anxiety.

I'm usually drawn to personalities, though. Even in relationships, looks have never been the dominant factor

Me too. I can be turned on and off by personalites and looks too.
In terms of romance, looks can be nice but it is personality that lasts.
I think I can get aesthetic attraction but lack of perfect looks is not always a turn off but confidence or at least stability in a person and certainty of their beliefs and security in who they are. Like being able to talk of books or know artists or really positive, stable mindset. Clear direction of who they are and what they want.
Passions, interests, goals, being able to share belief and faith systems
And also in terms of friendships I cannot stand off putting personalities that can annoy you and vex you at times, people who have very negative that have persistent problems that never change, close minded people and people who are clingy and expect too much or expect you to be like minded.
I mean it will be difficult anyway let anyone being an autistic with cptsd and triggers to be friends with someone who persistently gets you down with their problems and negativity and has no way to get help or hope of changing
That is self preservation anyway and needing it does not make you selfish

 

[Outdated]

defined by your looks, so that means that people only care about how you look, right? So it's a bit shallow. It doesn't sound great.

I've met a lot of people like that though. I don't dress up unless it's really necessary and I don't care what people think. It's fun when they underestimate me.

 

[1ForAll]

I met a medical receptionist lady once at a cosmetic medical surgery facility as I needed reconstructive surgery after eyelid surgery where they removed skin cancer, part of my eyelid and muscles below the corner of my eye which to this day causes some difficulties opening that eye..

Anyway, she was gorgeous looking (hair, face, clothes and body) as I looked discretely at her before we first greeted for that appointment. She was busy with another patient as that other was exiting soon, so it gave me time to observe, and yet I was less impressed by her looks than what came next.

This worker could have had most all guys on looks alone, for those guys into that, but what I fell in love with was her personality. She had the sweetest personality ever imagined. She came across as nonjudgmental, caring, modest, friendly and very wanting to make me feel welcome.

She asked me how I was doing, wanted to talk to me about my interests and life, and she then opened up to me about herself and her life. She acted like my close friend from Day one, and it seemed genuine and sincere and not fake. She was not flirting, and the surgeon doctor was her husband.

Also, she explained procedure things to me thoroughly to reduce anxiety, and even offered me something to drink and some snacks while I waited. She was very polite, compassionate and hospitable, like many ladies with southern charm.

So, this got me to think then of the irony of this all. Women who can have cosmetic surgery or be obsessed with looks, and yet their personality could shine through regardless if they had any very attractive character traits that drew people in to admire those.

I think many women either want to look good so as they can feel good, which in turn brings their inner traits out more when they are confident about themselves physically, or if they lack some self-esteem in terms of personality or value looks the most, they may focus more on appearance for any of these reasons too.

I guess why this lady stood out most to me is she defied stereotypes that a very pretty lady had not much more to offer. She seemed very likeable and nice, just as much as the plainest of Janes who I think often have very strong character. I do not think that receptionist was faking that to get more business as I often see through deception.

There was another employee lady next to her working doing paperwork stuff at that time, but she then talked to me too, and talked to me more after I met the doctor. She was just as kind acting to me, had no makeup, no lower cut dress like the other, and was slightly less outgoing which I found attractive as well.

She asked where we lived, and wanted to know more about our Autistic kids as she had a brother that was Autistic. She was pleasant to talk to too, and as I love one-to-one talks with new caring type persons. It gives me the rare opportunities to get social practice with others.

The point I am trying to make is neither of the two I saw as above the other. I would have just as preferred to date the second employee had I been single as I am attracted to kind persons regardless if beautiful exterior or average looks. I guess it just shocks me more seeing very sweet really pretty women, as usually it is the average looking woman I see those traits.

So, to answer the question, yes I would not want to be defined by looks. I value character more.

 

[blue_bird]

I guess the answer depends on the person in question. If you want to be a model then you probably would want to be defined by your looks. Looks mean a lot in a shallow, materialistic society and how you appear to others can play significant role in how you get along with people.

Humans, I believe are generally shallow in that more often than not, good looks will hold more of an appeal to people than they're willing to admit. I think this is just natural but if you look at modern society where image and perception of appearance has become more prevalent than at any time in human history, people are now obsessed with image and appearance, and not just physical. How does your house look? How does your car look? etc. Image is a sign of success and success is a sign of worth.

I do think that you can get a general, macro if you like sense of beauty and a personal, micro if you like sense of beauty. The general sense is mostly linked to what we believe society deems beautiful. For eg. cover models on magazines. From a personal perspective you may meet two different people, one who looks like a cover model and one who does not, but you may feel an attraction to the less conventional beauty due to your own individual nuances.

So in other words how you look depends on who is looking at you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as they say, but if your appearance has more characteristics which are generally considered beautiful, you are more likely to be praised and recognized for it.

I don't consider myself as having many attributes which are generally considered to be a sign of beauty, hence I would rather not be defined by how I look. Am I more than my outer layer of skin and hair? Of course. It just depends on who is willing to notice it. Some do, and some don't.

 

[tazz]

I don't think this is a problem that affects women more than men. Perhaps more accurate to say it affects men and women in different ways. I'm a man and I've always felt that other people judge me a lot on my looks.

It used to suck a lot and make me feel bad about myself. But as I've gotten older I've moved more towards @Outdated's approach - it can be fun (and often useful) to let people judge and underestimate me.

Perhaps that comes from experience though. I've got a lot of years behind me. When I was younger looks meant more because I was perhaps trying to convey something aspirational... like I can't prove how good I am at the thing because I don't have any previous things to show you, but I need you to give me a chance so I'll try to look the way you think I should look and say the things that you think are important... Whereas now, I don't care if someone assumes I'm crap at the thing, at some point in the discussion it'll become obvious that I'm good at the thing because I can refer to many past successes - and if, in the process, that reveals how judgemental they are, then that's just a bonus.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I met a medical receptionist lady once at a cosmetic medical surgery facility as I needed reconstructive surgery after eyelid surgery where they removed skin cancer, part of my eyelid and muscles below the corner of my eye which to this day causes some difficulties opening that eye..

Anyway, she was gorgeous looking (hair, face, clothes and body) as I looked discretely at her before we first greeted for that appointment. She was busy with another patient as that other was exiting soon, so it gave me time to observe, and yet I was less impressed by her looks than what came next.

This worker could have had most all guys on looks alone, for those guys into that, but what I fell in love with was her personality. She had the sweetest personality ever imagined. She came across as nonjudgmental, caring, modest, friendly and very wanting to make me feel welcome.

She asked me how I was doing, wanted to talk to me about my interests and life, and she then opened up to me about herself and her life. She acted like my close friend from Day one, and it seemed genuine and sincere and not fake. She was not flirting, and the surgeon doctor was her husband.

Also, she explained procedure things to me thoroughly to reduce anxiety, and even offered me something to drink and some snacks while I waited. She was very polite, compassionate and hospitable, like many ladies with southern charm.

So, this got me to think then of the irony of this all. Women who can have cosmetic surgery or be obsessed with looks, and yet their personality could shine through regardless if they had any very attractive character traits that drew people in to admire those.

I think many women either want to look good so as they can feel good, which in turn brings their inner traits out more when they are confident about themselves physically, or if they lack some self-esteem in terms of personality or value looks the most, they may focus more on appearance for any of these reasons too.

I guess why this lady stood out most to me is she defied stereotypes that a very pretty lady had not much more to offer. She seemed very likeable and nice, just as much as the plainest of Janes who I think often have very strong character. I do not think that receptionist was faking that to get more business as I often see through deception.

There was another employee lady next to her working doing paperwork stuff at that time, but she then talked to me too, and talked to me more after I met the doctor. She was just as kind acting to me, had no makeup, no lower cut dress like the other, and was slightly less outgoing which I found attractive as well.

She asked where we lived, and wanted to know more about our Autistic kids as she had a brother that was Autistic. She was pleasant to talk to too, and as I love one-to-one talks with new caring type persons. It gives me the rare opportunities to get social practice with others.

The point I am trying to make is neither of the two I saw as above the other. I would have just as preferred to date the second employee had I been single as I am attracted to kind persons regardless if beautiful exterior or average looks. I guess it just shocks me more seeing very sweet really pretty women, as usually it is the average looking woman I see those traits.

So, to answer the question, yes I would not want to be defined by looks. I value character more.

You are right and there are very sweet but also beautiful looking woman out there.
There are people who are beautiful on the inside and the outside but people can judge a lot if you are also beautiful on the outside and if you are sensitive and kind like me, you end up hurt
And some insecure women are very cruel and mean and pains in the bottom because they can never love themselves for who they are and always compare themselves to someone else however I think self love issues or insecurities are not wrong but it depends how the person handles them. If they were the toxic one maybe they should be honest and open about it and think of ways they could work on it if they can change.
Women can hurt each other very badly because of insecurities and jealousy when women should really be compassionate and tender hearted towards each other.

 

[Outdated]

I've met a lot of people like that though. I don't dress up unless it's really necessary and I don't care what people think. It's fun when they underestimate me.

When I was in my prime and earning good money I was living in South Melbourne. One of those posh fashionable areas where women would get dressed up in their best clothes and come just to be seen sitting at a sidewalk cafe in South Melbourne. Who they wanted to be seen by and why this mattered to them always confused the buggery out of me.

I was very fit and quite good looking at the time and this meant I could get away with a lot more than most people. Yes, our society is that shallow and yes sex sells. And yes, of course I played on it, who wouldn't if they could. In this posh suburb in South Melbourne I took great pride in going to the pub wearing ink spattered jeans, thongs, and a blue singlet.

It was actually a great little community after business hours and there were a lot of truly wonderful people there, I had a great time. But there were also a few of what I call Plastic People. False people, very shallow people with stuck on smiles on their faces. I was very proud of myself one night when I heard one of them say to his friend about my dress sense: "I know, and the little bastard earns more than you and me put together.".

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I don't think this is a problem that affects women more than men. Perhaps more accurate to say it affects men and women in different ways. I'm a man and I've always felt that other people judge me a lot on my looks.

It used to suck a lot and make me feel bad about myself. But as I've gotten older I've moved more towards @Outdated's approach - it can be fun (and often useful) to let people judge and underestimate me.

Perhaps that comes from experience though. I've got a lot of years behind me. When I was younger looks meant more because I was perhaps trying to convey something aspirational... like I can't prove how good I am at the thing because I don't have any previous things to show you, but I need you to give me a chance so I'll try to look the way you think I should look and say the things that you think are important... Whereas now, I don't care if someone assumes I'm crap at the thing, at some point in the discussion it'll become obvious that I'm good at the thing because I can refer to many past successes - and if, in the process, that reveals how judgemental they are, then that's just a bonus.

You are right men can be insecure about their appearance and body and it is something they experience too and men can be harsh about a women's appearance but women can be harsh about a man's appearance even their own husbands. So it is good for a wife to make a man she is married too feel good about his appearance.
I could write about this. There many books I could write but one about the 5 languages of love and how to display them and use them in marriage, how to increase your love and friendship and passion in marriage and how to overcome marriage staleness and troubles and boredom.
Anyway a good marriage is the product of two good forgivers but autistic marriage can be different too.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I guess the answer depends on the person in question. If you want to be a model then you probably would want to be defined by your looks. Looks mean a lot in a shallow, materialistic society and how you appear to others can play significant role in how you get along with people.

Humans, I believe are generally shallow in that more often than not, good looks will hold more of an appeal to people than they're willing to admit. I think this is just natural but if you look at modern society where image and perception of appearance has become more prevalent than at any time in human history, people are now obsessed with image and appearance, and not just physical. How does your house look? How does your car look? etc. Image is a sign of success and success is a sign of worth.

I do think that you can get a general, macro if you like sense of beauty and a personal, micro if you like sense of beauty. The general sense is mostly linked to what we believe society deems beautiful. For eg. cover models on magazines. From a personal perspective you may meet two different people, one who looks like a cover model and one who does not, but you may feel an attraction to the less conventional beauty due to your own individual nuances.

So in other words how you look depends on who is looking at you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as they say, but if your appearance has more characteristics which are generally considered beautiful, you are more likely to be praised and recognized for it.

I don't consider myself as having many attributes which are generally considered to be a sign of beauty, hence I would rather not be defined by how I look. Am I more than my outer layer of skin and hair? Of course. It just depends on who is willing to notice it. Some do, and some don't.

You are right but as an autistic it can be painful always judged on that when you do not fit norms and are trying to live your life.
It is nice as a women to get compliments and dress up but you just want people to love you for you especially after a long illness.
I love compliments to a normal degree but it is often like you get complimented to an excessive degree or not at all.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but unless you are an Instagram model type who plasters on makeup and does model shots you are sure to not be seem as really beautiful.

 

[Ken]

I mean it is hard in society when so many people define a person this way.
And women especially but also some men.
I mean you are more than your appearance, we have a heart and soul and your appearance is just a small chunk of you.
And I think it is wrong to presume a women cannot be anything she wants, if she wants to feel pretty and gorgeous and wear makeup each day she can and scream to the world she is a stunning women then she can.
People only judge because they are jealous or a prude in the sense they think women should not be overly concerned about the outer appearance but then they will not like their outer appearance so hypocritical.
Some women are awful though, they are just really horrible inside and who would want to have anyone like that in your life.
Some women at least have a caring side others have a real venomous side and seem unable to rid themselves of it.

I would absolutely not want to be judged by my looks. Not just because I am not good looking, but because judging anyone by their looks is very petty and shallow. A person's looks is a tiny fraction of who they are - if at all. There is always a lot more to anyone's person than just their looks. Their looks is only a very tiny fraction of all their person. If you judge anyone by their looks or how they are dressed or their hygiene when you see them then you will, without a doubt misjudge them. Life is simply too complicated to judge by one simple snapshot view.