"You are too philosophical", "You are just too picky"

[illud]

Sorry for the little bit of rant tone on this OP.

Um, so yesterday leaving my social anxiety aside, I phoned my older aunt -mom side-, to try to be more social. The conversation went well in general -althought at some point she mentioned the weather 3 times, seriously?...- and at some point she showed some interest on my projects (blogs, vlogs) and said she tried to watch them fully but they are way too philosophical (I just talked about bpi/intp/how internet was a decade ago, I was explaining things, I know I'm not as funny as other people's vlogs, but I don't think that's philosophical either...), and she suggested me to do something more accesible for "normal" people. It made me feel weird, like what I'm not "normal"? Why do I have to adapt to other people? (I already have a disability since I was born, I've spent my life adapting just to have a normal life, why do some people must pressure more?) Of course I behaved and didn't tell her all that I thought about it because I don't like conflict but it hurts.

That annoyed me a lot, I can't help having the interests that I have, I'm already trying to be more social. It just causes me more social anxiety. I phoned her partly because I want to prepare her to tell her I'm asperger in the hopes she and the rest of the family would be able to understand me a little bit better, because visiting them causes me a lot of anxiety most of the times because I know such comments will arise again or they'll try to change me to make me fit in their standards -specially with my clothing and fields of interests-.

Philosophy/Psychology/Sociology/Antropology have been some of my special interests since a young age, I was totally fine reading a philosophical essay and then a funny comic during my childhood. I guess I got some interests on those basically try to understand other people, why they do what they do and such. So ironic that causes me trouble to socialize.

On another ocassion, they would ask me what my type is (they insist on me dating, because you know I'm 28, I should be having a child at this point and be happily married to a man. I'm bisexual, I hadn't told them because they are conservative) and at some point my cousin -the one which is getting married late this year- told me "you are just too picky".
I can't make chit-chat conversation, that bores me. If I'm to date someone is for the long run, know each other well before and during the relationship (I'm demisexual too), so I don't jump on a relationship quickly or fall for just the aesthetic or how kind they are with me when they aren't having a busy day which is the only time of week they talk to me and stuff like that, like some people seem to do. I don't see the point specially from her, she is in a minority religion -here-, decided to just date her husband when she turned +20, before that she didn't show any interest to date anyone, just would talk about the "hot" singer or actor. I'm fine with that, I never disagreed on anything they choose to do with their lives, I showed a honest interest on their interests specially since my cousins were younger -I'm the old one-, why do they do the opposite to me?

Has any other fellow aspie/autie had such moments? How did you deal with?
You've told your family you are an aspie/autie (specially when beign an adult)? How did they took it?
Is it going to be of any use to tell them at this point or just I try to keep ignoring those bits about them? (I think the latter will just keep my social anxiety getting worst).

Sometimes I don't know why I care and keep a nice behaviour when it's not reciprocated.

 

[Slithytoves]

Hi, Illud. Belated "welcome" to AC.

Please try not to let your aunt's comments bother you too much. You don't get to choose your relatives; while you may love each other, you won't necessarily understand each other or have much in common, and this is just as true for NTs as for Aspies.

"Philosophical" may not have been the word she really meant to use. She may have meant "intellectual" or the like, but the right verbiage didn't come to her in the moment. Blogs and vlogs are a matter of taste to the audience, and are really more about the personal expressions of the creator. Your submissions may not be her thing, but plenty of other people out there might find them interesting. I've run into the same problem with my own family, who often find me too serious or intense in my interests, or in the way I think. They're smart people, just not on my particular wavelength. It doesn't feel too great when somebody criticizes me, but I know their intentions are good. People naturally want to offer opinions when you show them something you've made/written. At least she was honest.

You don't have to adapt to other people's expectations, but if you choose not to, you do need to learn to feel comfortable asserting that you have your own way of doing things and don't like to feel pressured; to date, to dress differently, to conform better in your interests, etc. You need to learn to do this for your own sanity, and to keep you from feeling more alienated from your clan. If the same old comments and criticisms keep coming up, you will have a hard time feeling connected, so you might as well do what you can to (gently) suggest that those statements aren't helpful. You may be better off working on that for a while, rather than disclosing your Asperger's now. It seems from what you've written that your conservative family might try even harder to mold you if they learn that you have an ASD, as many NTs view it is a hindrance to "normal" behavior. Focusing on establishing yourself as a person who likes who you are, as you are, might be the best course at the moment, leaving the fact that you're on the spectrum for a time when they have digested that bigger message.

We are all socialized from a very young age to believe that certain behaviors/choices are best because they're mainstream, so you can't really blame family members for urging you in that direction, but it is possible to show others that you can be just as happy going your own way. Show that you are content with the way you choose to live your life and those who love you won't feel as compelled to herd you towards "normalcy". That's what I've done. I finally started confronting well-meaning but hurtful advice with clear messages that I like myself and what I'm interested in, as-is. It took a very long time, but my family has learned to appreciate that I don't want or need advice on how to be more like "everybody else" because that's not who I am or how I want to be. They now accept that I'm happiest when allowed to be myself. Ultimately, the people who truly love us do want us to be happy.

I can relate to the irony of your special interests in the social sciences making it harder for your to socialize. I have the same interests as you, for much the same reasons (originally), and for a long time I found that those passions made me even more of an outsider, because I was so into them. There's no answer for that, except to share about your interests only with people who can appreciate them. My own decision to stop trying to include my family in some of my interests made me feel lonely for a while, but I have since found other things to talk about with them and it doesn't bother me anymore. I have found other outlets for the stuff we don't have in common.

Yours is a situation a lot of us here share. I wish you well in your effort to ease the pressure.

 

[Beverly]

illud I see your vlogs like my music. Not everyone, and that includes family, is into my style of music. [My birth family actually hates it and thinks it's satanic.] but, I have my fans, listeners who greatly enjoy what I do.

We are all pushed toward being "normal" on one hand and, told to be true to ourselves on the other. I don't know how NTs make sense of those contradictory messages but, i know know that, as an Aspie, I struggle continuously to find a balance of the two that works for me.

I have to remember to tolerate, and engage in some boring conversations to maintain both personal and professional ties but, I expect those I humor to also humor me when what I am interested in talking about is boring to them. I do try to cut it short and, stick to only the major points in those situations.

Even when talking with other ASpies, we don't all share the same interests but, I can learn a bit about all of them, even the ones I find boring, if the person is someone I think I would like as a friend and they can all do the same for me so that we can have relevant conversations that please at least one of us. In between we find common ground that we both like talking about but, we take turns tolerating and, even learning about things that hold no interest for us too.

Do your vlogs your way, it doesn't matter if your family likes them when you have other viewers/listeners that do. Nothing in this world appeals to every single human being out there, you will never please all of the people all of the time. You just have to accept that and, please those you can to the best of your ability then, let the rest go.

bend, tolerate, compromise but don't break yourself doing it. When you've taken or done all you can, step away, that's enough. If others can't accept that, it's their problem, not yours - let them deal with it and you go on and be happy that you have others that appreciate what you do and, like how you do it.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Similar discussions pop up in the creative circles I frequent. A hobbyist creates something they enjoy, and then somebody comes along and complains how it's not good enough for them. If you're creating content for the sake of others, I'd recommend having a feature where you take requests so that way you can make stuff that you want and also do little perks for your fans. If you're doing it just for yourself, tell her what many of us others do: pay to complain or create your own.

I am often pushed to be a mindless doormat who doesn't ever think for myself, lets people wipe their feet on me, let them do whatever they want to me, and I'm never to dislike it or tell them to stop. Thankfully it's just the one relative pushing for that insanity, but they still gripe about how violent and stubborn they think I am for not listening to them and for standing up for myself.

 

[NateSean]

To quote one my favorite comedians, Mitch Hedburg: "You can't please all of the people and last night, all of those people were at my show."

Your aunt and mine should get together and go bowling sometime. The next time your parents bring up the dating thing, tell them that you are engaged to a charming lawyer but that you're waiting to make sure he won't lose his inheritance by marrying you as his evil twin brother Thaddeus will take the mansion if he does.

Alternatively, never, ever, ever follow my advice but know that you don't have to apologize for ranting about their idiosyncrasies.

 

[Cerulean]

Unless you're making your videos for your aunt, I wouldn't worry about it too much. She's just not in your target audience, and that's ok.

 

[illud]

Thank you for all your replies.
The next day she watched the channel again -because she wanted- and told me she liked the videos, even some made her emotional. So that got me a bit more confused.

But no, I won't change my channel theme. She is not my audience target.
When I started the channel to divulgue it a bit I posted the first videos on my facebook -and there, among other many people, I have family- so she got to know, that's why she knows about my channel.

I just needed to rant somewhere because those attitudes make me feel so bad, like they need me to be a certain way when I'm not. I don't mean to offend them, but sometimes they make such comments that I feel as pretty hurtful ones.

I guess I have to either accept they'll be like that, or not care much about what they say about certain issues. Becaue I don't see much will to change and educate themselves a bit.