You shouldn't ignore your loneliness

[SunnyDay16]

This is kind of a rant, directed at nobody in particular.

The common advice it seems when it comes to loneliness and being lonely is to just brush it off, distract yourself, or get used to it. None of these approaches are helpful when it comes to being lonely.

Being alone and being lonely are two different things. It's good to learn how to be alone, because sometimes you do have to be alone. However, loneliness is an entirely different thing altogether. Loneliness arises when you don't feel satisfied with your social life or have no social life altogether, and it's a natural human feeling to have. We evolved by sticking together and forming social bonds, so we're wired to want relationships (I'm not talking solely about romantic ones, but all relationships). Long term isolation isn't good for us.

Research has shown that loneliness and isolation have negative effects on people's health, both physically and mentally. It's not good for you to have no friends, no family, or anyone you can count on. I don't believe anyone who says they are perfectly happy and fine with having nobody to talk to. I believe they are just trying to push their loneliness aside, instead of confronting it. And that's their choice, but they're doing themselves a disservice.

No matter how much you try to convince yourself you're fine with being alone, if you're lonely that feeling is going to always come back. It's not going to go away with hobbies, distractions, or anything else. Those are temporary, quick fixes that do not fix the actual problem. The only cure to loneliness is other people, and there's nothing wrong with trying to fix it by seeking out other people.

Loneliness isn't something you should have to just ignore or get used to. Feeling lonely doesn't make you weak, pathetic, or entitled. It makes you human.

So, that's my big message for the day.

 

[Kyou Nukui]

The trouble is that other people have to choose to be your friends. You can't make anyone hang out with you.
If no one chooses to be with you then you'll be friendless and alone.

You can post your thoughts on forums for strangers to read and call that human social interaction.

 

[SunnyDay16]

The trouble is that other people have to choose to be your friends. You can't make anyone hang out with you.
If no one chooses to be with you then you'll be friendless and alone.

You can post your thoughts on forums for strangers to read and call that human social interaction.

I understand that. It takes two to form a friendship.

And yeah, interacting with people on the internet is still social interaction, but real world social interaction is important too. Not everyone is able to have internet access.

 

[Fino]

I've always wondered what loneliness feels like. I'm not implying that I've never been lonely, there have been times when I strongly considered that the feeling I was experiencing was loneliness but I've never been certain. I think people have tried describing it here before in another topic.

Unless it's just the desire to be with another person and not wanting to be alone, but then I'm not sure if that's a feeling, that sounds more intellectual.

*confuses self then dies*

 

[SunnyDay16]

I've always wondered what loneliness feels like. I'm not implying that I've never been lonely, there have been times when I strongly considered that the feeling I was experiencing was loneliness but I've never been certain. I think people have tried describing it here before in another topic.

Unless it's just the desire to be with another person and not want to be alone, but then I'm not sure if that's a feeling, that sounds more intellectual.

*confuses self then dies*

Loneliness usually encompasses different feelings and emotions. Depression, anxiety, sadness, frustration, self-loathing, emptiness, etc. It can very from person to person, but the common root of it is because the person is not getting enough meaningful social interaction.

 

[Fino]

Loneliness usually encompasses different feelings and emotions. Depression, anxiety, sadness, frustration, self-loathing, emptiness, etc. It can very from person to person, but the common root of it is because the person is not getting enough meaningful social interaction.

That's actually very useful, thank you!!

 

[china autie]

I get lonely but not as much as I used to. New community, new area, and newly single.

I have found a feeling of belonging here via some homeless people, street musicians, poor people, and others who have also been Othered by society.

Belonging is different from fitting in. I have never fit in well and I have given up on that.

 

[Shamar]

This is kind of a rant, directed at nobody in particular.

The common advice it seems when it comes to loneliness and being lonely is to just brush it off, distract yourself, or get used to it. None of these approaches are helpful when it comes to being lonely.

Being alone and being lonely are two different things. It's good to learn how to be alone, because sometimes you do have to be alone. However, loneliness is an entirely different thing altogether. Loneliness arises when you don't feel satisfied with your social life or have no social life altogether, and it's a natural human feeling to have. We evolved by sticking together and forming social bonds, so we're wired to want relationships (I'm not talking solely about romantic ones, but all relationships). Long term isolation isn't good for us.

This is a major reason I (and I suspect most of us) am here. Being among like minded people who understand me means not being so lonely. This is as close to friendship as I ever get.

 

[WittyAspie]

Thank you for validating what I have been feeling for a long time.

 

[Misery]

The trouble though is when the cure is worse than the disease.

Sure, I can get lonely just like anyone else. But actually going and trying to interact is always... always... always much worse. Every time, I come away from it with this feeling of "that wasnt one of my better ideas, let's pretend none of that happened". Sure, loneliness is depressing... but most people are just awful, and I end up feeling like I need 20 showers afterwards and some way to un-hear whatever deeply stupid things they might have said.

There's exceptions... but they're pretty much always this forum. AKA, others on the spectrum. There arent any around me IRL, so that's not an option there. Granted, I actually dont directly converse with anyone on here much, come to think of it. But still.

The real thing that keeps me going is having a dog. I can constantly interact with him and there will be no problems. Usually if I am feeling lonely, it's because he's not around at the time, off at the bloody lake house for the weekend with my father & stepmother.

 

[SunnyDay16]

The trouble though is when the cure is worse than the disease.

Sure, I can get lonely just like anyone else. But actually going and trying to interact is always... always... always much worse. Every time, I come away from it with this feeling of "that wasnt one of my better ideas, let's pretend none of that happened". Sure, loneliness is depressing... but most people are just awful, and I end up feeling like I need 20 showers afterwards and some way to un-hear whatever deeply stupid things they might have said.

There's exceptions... but they're pretty much always this forum. AKA, others on the spectrum. There arent any around me IRL, so that's not an option there. Granted, I actually dont directly converse with anyone on here much, come to think of it. But still.

The real thing that keeps me going is having a dog. I can constantly interact with him and there will be no problems. Usually if I am feeling lonely, it's because he's not around at the time, off at the bloody lake house for the weekend with my father & stepmother.

I'm sorry that the people you have to interact with are assholes. That can really taint your view on humanity, and I can't blame you for thinking little of it. The good side is, I'm glad you're able to find solace on this forum.

 

[Henry:]

I think loneliness for me isn't so much a result of not being able to communicate with certain people, but the lack of a connection with them. There was a time as a child where friendships were cheap and easy, and people's expectation of what a friendship was were fairly superficial, for example if you had something they wanted or if you were good at a sport. At the time these relationships felt fulfilling and meaningfull and there was a certain level of connection to someone. But without the need for complex and demanding social expectations, your social life could be measured by the length of a school day and a few hours in the evening. We could work on building these friendships for 5 days a week month after month.
When we leave this superficial dime a dozen friend factory, and start to venture into the big wide world there is no structure, and friendships become more complicated.
And if like me you struggle to keep up with the level of emotional maturity expected of you in order to form meaningfull adult friendships it can lead to a feeling of loneliness and disappointment.

 

[All-Rounder]

My hfa boyfriend had felt lonely at points, yet not because of not having friends or the relations with them being bad. Im not sure why, he didn't know either.

 

[SusanLR]

I think loneliness for me isn't so much a result of not being able to communicate with certain people, but the lack of a connection with them.

My feelings also.
I can communicate but can't connect or bond with others.
So being with other people does not help the feeling of loneliness except as a temporary diversion.
Just as mentioned in OP, it isn't going to go away with hobbies or diversions.
It is a feeling of wanting a true emotionally comfortable relationship that fills an emptiness inside.
I call it something that could be compared to feeling home.
Yes, that want for a hug or comfort. Connectedness.
If you can't feel that with anyone, then may as well play a game of chess.
It will temporarily divert, but, how comforting or close do you feel to a chess piece?

 

[Gracey]

Isolation over a period of time can do strange things to ones mental health.

I believe loneliness can produce a bone deep urge to seek out others.
Not a thought, more a feeling, an urge.

Connection with another or others may quell that urge.
Identifying with a group may help.

There was a time I could have been quite content to ‘people-watch’ for hours in a busy town, city, cafe.

Not once making the effort to connect or interact with a single person.

People can’t help themselves though,
I could guarantee the longer I sat or stood there, (people-watching)
the more people would purposely interact with me.

Mainly pleasantries, observations of their own, some personal stuff, but never anything worrying.

There’s the chance that I ‘looked’ lonely, (people-watching) ?
And like I say, people can’t help themselves. Following an urge to connect with another.

 

[blue_bird]

Most people get along with me fine and are friendly towards me. Plenty of strangers smile at me and greet me like they know me.

But I'm terrified of getting to know people on a more personal level. I just don't feel they'd show much sympathy or respect to me if they knew the state of existence, my problems, my trials and tribulations.

I enjoy isolation and being a recluse, but I so badly want to connect with someone without being ashamed of my circumstances. This deprivation of a human connection is what I call loneliness, and yes it is hard to endure at times.

Unfortunately, for me, challenging my loneliness means challenging my fears, and I've never been one to challenge my fears.

 

[paloftoon]

The hardest thing about getting out of isolation is to be able to accept rejection. No matter what you do, rejection will always happen eventually. What you can do to minimize this is to exercise, drink water, breathe deeply to yourself at times, and improve your skills for being independent and more knowledgeable.

When you can level with certain people and vice versa, you and the other person will be able to find a lot more in common and may be able to develop a friendship. Don't try to push too hard when making a friend, but if the other person seems interested in connecting but too shy, then you have the choice to ask about hanging out. Also remember, it takes two for a real friendship.

There are different levels too. Some friends will do more for each other or different things than others. I have one friend whom I can ask for short advice and go to classy places with him. I have another friend who can be a "counselor" from 10 AM - 9 PM when she is available. I have another friends couple who I can enjoy playing board games with, but pretty much nothing more.

 

[the_tortoise]

Unless it's just the desire to be with another person and not wanting to be alone, but then I'm not sure if that's a feeling, that sounds more intellectual.

I’d say that desire to be around another person is a feeling-a very basic/fundamental/instinctive one, too.

Think of how infants cry when they are left alone, or simply can’t see mom or dad, or want to held....a newborn’s brain has no higher concepts about being alone or with people, but they are nonetheless driven by the need for love, protection and comfort from adult human caregivers.

Loneliness and the desire for connection with others need not be complicated intellectual things.

 

[Fino]

I’d say that desire to be around another person is a feeling-a very basic/fundamental/instinctive one, too.

Think of how infants cry when they are left alone, or simply can’t see mom or dad, or want to held....a newborn’s brain has no higher concepts about being alone or with people, but they are nonetheless driven by the need for love, protection and comfort from adult human caregivers.

Loneliness and the desire for connection with others need not be complicated intellectual things.

Isn't that a biological mechanism to prevent the baby's death?

It's not the concept of loneliness or the desire for connection with others that I find confusing, it's recognizing when I'm feeling that, recognizing when what I'm feeling is that and not something else

 

[the_tortoise]

Isn't that a biological mechanism to prevent the baby's death?

Yes, but so is the drive for connection with others that adults have...it’s a sort of continuation/evolution of that earlier need. All feelings have roots in biological imperatives.

Seems I have misunderstood/missed something. Possibly because I don’t have the same difficulty you describe when it comes to recognizing feelings....unless it is more an issue of naming feelings?