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young man fancies my 3 year old

Santina

Santina

New Member
Hi,
we moved into a rental complex with our 3 year old daughter and our upstairs neighbour (single mum) has a son (24 years old) who has aspergers.
I get along well with the mum and my daughter likes her too. So we decided to spend some time together - all 4 of us. We started in March by sitting outside and drawing with chalk on the side walk. On colder days we moved inside and played some games. Her son doesn't mind the games for little kids, he actually likes them. And it helps my daughter to connect to people.
The problem now is that he wants to kiss my daughter.
First he only wanted her to help look for something he has lost a good while ago. A few years back some young school girls helped him to find something he has lost and since they found it he thinks my daughter could help him now too. So far so good. Then we wanted my daughter to hug him. Still ok, if he wants to. Which she doesn't. She plays board games with him but does not want to be to close to him. On the next chair is ok.
The other day he asked me when he could cuddle with her. Alarm clocks went off.
His mother says hugging and cuddling is the same for him. So ok.
Yesterday we came home and my daughter fell asleep in the car so I carried her inside. He came home at the same time and petted her back for a second and then gave her a kiss on the head. I didn't think much of it. Ok, I thought: don't do that. But I didn't say anything.
Today his mum asked me if she could talk with me. I went upstairs and he told me he has to kiss my 3 year old. I said, no you don't. He said he had a very bad night. His mother told him he can't just go and kiss her and he said he must. He started hitting his forehead and told me he has to keep on doing that if he can't kiss her. I stayed calm, my daughter cuddling up to me. I told him that giving her a hug if she want that too is one thing. Kissing is not something he can just do. His mother explained him again that people his family members and not someone else (I think she did not want to say loved ones, not that he says that he loves my daughter). She suggested to blow her a kiss and he kept on getting louder, hitting himself, saying he has to kiss her and if we say now he will just do it anyway.
What he said is that he just can't stop. He has to kiss her now since he kissed her on the head yesterday. When I said: no, you don't have to. He got louder and hit himself.
Of course I won't let him kiss her.
His mum said it would be best if we leave and while we left I could see that she tried to stop him from hitting himself. With the strenght he has I would not be suprised if he would hit her now to. But that's another story.
My question now:
How do I set boundries?
Do I stay away from him and try to keep my daughter away from him totally?

Edit:
Of course his mum has to set boundries too. But she is not always there. She works part time at a kindergarden.
All in all I think he should not be with his mother all day. He only has her and his grandparents. No other people. I think it would be best for him and his mum to meet other people, get out of the house and have friends his own age.
 
Disengage immediately.

Even if this can be solved, it's not your problem, and you must not participate in solving it.
 
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Even though this young man’s intentions may not be malicious, it is important for you to reset the boundaries and keep them extremely clear. No kissing or hugging. I don’t know enough about the situation to think ill of the young man, but no one should be confusing him. Clarity is better, and it is critical for him and for your daughter to see that physical boundaries with young children are extremely important, and they must be respected.

He may not “fancy her” but he still needs to learn about boundaries with young children.

Santina said:
Still ok, if he wants to. Which she doesn't.
Click to expand...
Please don’t do this. Young children should not be forced to hug and have physical contact when they show signs that they do not want it.

You are not in control of this young man, but you are in control of your daughter. By protecting her and setting very firm boundaries with physical touch, you will actually be helping the young man learn appropriate boundaries as well.

I would emphasize clarity and consistency. No exceptions.
 
Someone needs to explain to him difference between affection and sex and when which love is appropriate and why.
I believe through sex education and boundaries and repeated displays of appropriate behaviour can help some disabled people.
After that if person can't respect boundaries, it's a problem.
 
The only person that can kiss your child is her mom. Maybe grandparents. That's it. You can't give a three year wrong messages.
 
Do not let some random person kiss the baby. He is 24 and autistic or not he is not safe for the child. He can handle being told No way better than the kid can handle having been potentially abused because her parents won't set the boundaries.

Were the child mine he would not be seeing her from here on out.
 
Your main responsibility is your child and only your child. And perhaps your mother side came out and you were being accepting, however it's not your job to be a mother to others and some parents get quite angry if you overstep these boundaries. Your child may get hurt and end up in the hospital with you paying the bills. It's best to be protective of her and make healthy choices for her, and continue being the great mom that you know you can be.
 
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Nothing else matters.
 
Suffice to say I've seen pedophiles talk freely before and I know how they think. And I'm getting those vibes off this guy.

To me it's the way he followed an order. From asking her for help (most acceptable) to hugging to cuddling to kissing (least acceptable). That makes it seem like he had some idea what he's doing, he wanted to kiss her and he'd figured out he had to work up to it.

What his mom says could be true, hugging and cuddling could be the same to him. A lot of pedophiles are that way because the wires got crossed between parental love and romantic love. He may genuinely care about your daughter and still want to hurt her.

The really concerning thing, more than him maybe being a pedophile, is he doesn't seem to respect boundaries. Even when they're pointed out to him he melts down. And it seems like he knew kids don't like to be kissed by strangers (he knew he needed his order), but he manipulated his way into it anyway. That's not good to be around no matter who you are.
 
You are not that boy's parent. That mother needs to teach her son about personal boundaries, respect and consent. His actions are wrong on so many levels and his behavior scares me.

Then, continue conversing with your daughter about personal boundaries that she cannot allow others to cross.

At the age of that boy, while I lacked any affectionate relationship with my peers, I did not displace my frustrations inappropriately as the young man is doing. I would avoid contact with him. I understand his desire to engage with somebody naive and unthreatening and had crushed on fictional characters, but that prevented my growth. Eventually I found dating to be more satisfying.
 
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It doesn't matter if he has no sexual intent. He's obsessed with your child and doesn't understand the boundaries involved, whether social or with regard to kissing.

It's not fair to your daughter to be put in this position against her will. It doesn't matter to me whether she's three, or thirteen, or thirty.

Her safety comes first.

When my son was about seven, his soccer coach was rather obsessed with my daughter who was five. It was the year that Samantha Runnion was abducted and murdered. She was also five. The coach kept touching my daughter's hair and saying that she looked like Samantha.

I reported him to the league and we quit that team.

No one messes with my kids. It didn't matter to me that he was a family man, with his wife and children at the games. There was no way he was going near my daughter again. It was bad enough that he stressed me out to the point I laid awake wondering why he would act that way. It was affecting my own mental health, but my daughter's emotional safety mattered more than my own. I didn't want to normalise that type of behaviour so she'd think men (or women, or other kids) could ogle over her, let alone touch her without informed consent.
 
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I explained serious stuff to my daughter at 5 because l know what l went thru at a young age. And later she thanked me. I also told her about four letter words, why you can't say them at what they mean. Then a 2nd grader trying to be tough said some of those words, and she knew what was going on, and stayed out of the encounter. The more we educate these little minds , then they can stand up for themselves.
 
NO
I don't care who he is or what his disability is

NO

Cut off all contact.

I'd report him.

Just NO.

There are a good number of sex offenders in our prison system with mental disabilities.

If your daughter is victimized, it will destroy her for the rest of her life. She will be suffering emotional, mental, and physical handicap.

Keep her far away. Do not even let her play outside unless you are there too.

Do not be naive.

Find a new place to live.

You are the gate that defends the child. Be ready to destroy anyone who breaches it.
 
Severely disabled adult men still have sexual fantasies. Even with developmental delays.

He may not realize it's wrong.

Keep your daughter away.

Be ready to destroy him if need be.

You need to call child welfare (CSD) and explain things. An advocate will make appropriate boundaries and notify his mother that he needs to be kept away, and get him the therapy he needs.

Keep your daughter innocent.
 
Call your county child welfare office today. They probably have funds to help you move away from the situation.

Don't even engage socially with the mother. She is too naive. Cut off all contact.

I cannot stress this enough. You are her castle, her protector. Be ready to destroy anyone who attempts to breach the wall.
 
Once again:

Even severely disabled adult men, with developmental delays, have sexual fantasies.

He may see her as a peer, and not understand what he is doing is abhorrent.

Keep your little angel locked up away from this person. She is in danger.
 
I agree with others that you need to keep your daughter as far away from this man as possible, even if it means moving house. It's unfortunate that you live so close to them, makes it harder to avoid them.
 
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