your advice re: aspie communication

[Chawke]

First post… it’s about communication in relationships --I hope this goes well. I’m an NT woman with a brother on the spectrum and perhaps not surprising, I have recently become involved with a man I strongly suspect has Aspergers (undiagnosed so far as I know). He and my brother share many traits and maybe that familiarity is part of the attraction but they are of course, different people and I’d like to avoid the mistake of assuming his likes and dislikes are identical to my brother’s. (duh) So… through this community and your kindness, I’m hoping to gain some insight into the spectrum of preferences for communication.

“G” (as I’ll refer to him), is a man I’ve known for about a year. “G” is extremely shy so, I pursued him, which was awkward for me at first but eventually I learned to read his signs and see that he was, in his own way, reciprocating. It took time –because I’m shy too and we only recently crossed the line from friendship to a romantic/sexual relationship. 80% of the time, I initiate communication, usually by text. I’ve learned that when he drops the conversation or doesn’t return a text it isn’t a sign of rejection, (like it usually is with an NT man), it’s just “G” having nothing to say or feeling anxious. Unfortunately, just as we crossed the line, he became extremely busy with a new project –his first business and communication has become less frequent and more challenging. To complicate matters further, he’d like me to be involved –which is great, we’re both good at what we do, we’ve worked together a little and will make a fantastic team but I’ll need to be more thoughtful about communication. What I’m experiencing right now is that he shuts down, goes silent when under stress. Twice he’s asked me to be involved but then doesn’t follow up and it’s kind of critical that he does follow up. He definitely needs me or someone with similar skills –STAT. I’m thinking he may need me to take the lead as I did with our courtship, even though it's his business. Does that seem right?

Also, we communicate a lot via text but we’ve also miscommunicated a lot that way so, I’ve started sending him occasional emails –long form communication that leaves less room for misunderstanding and ambiguity. I compose them in a way that doesn’t require a response; my thoughts, my feelings, my plans… just for him to be aware of. So far, so good but soon I’m going to be sending him lists of information and deadlines and I *will* need him to respond. Do you have any suggestions? How do you react to similar pressure? Am I sort of on the right track?

Your insight is greatly appreciated.

 

[NTgirl4276]

hi! and welcome. i'm fairly new, as well, but I've been in a similar situation; I started dating a likely Aspie a few months ago and, like you, had to adjust to a whole new sort of dating behaviors. He is the first man I have actively pursued in my life, because I realized that if I didn't, I'd never get to see or talk to him. I've learned to be clear and very direct in expressing what it is that I want, and I simply invite him to engage if he feels the same way.

For example, this is the first relationship in which I do not communicate frequently with a partner in between face-to-face dates/visits. It bums me out sometimes, because I am interested to know how he's doing and how his day is going, but he does not naturally volunteer that information or start conversations. So, one time I knew he was going to have a big event during an upcoming weekend. So, I very clearly said, "I will be really interested to hear how that goes, so if you'd like to tell me how it turns out, please do." I was thrilled when he texted me (which he hardly ever does!) a couple days later to do exactly that

My best advice from my limited experience thus far is to be respectfully clear and direct and ask for exactly what it is that you want/would like. It has certainly been an adjustment for me, and I certainly struggle with it on most days, but I have to say--I really like it. NTs rely so much on illogical, subtle innuendo THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO RATIONAL SENSE. And I am really enjoying having to truly be an assertive adult for once in my life. It's lovely.

I'm sure others will have more expansive advice, particularly with regards to the work dimension, but I hope this helps.

 

[skyb]

Sorry ladies, I just realised I provably should have started a new thread I think I've hacked yours! I have moved my question to a new thread

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

First post… it’s about communication in relationships...I’ve started sending him occasional emails –long form communication that leaves less room for misunderstanding and ambiguity. I compose them in a way that doesn’t require a response; my thoughts, my feelings, my plans… just for him to be aware of. So far, so good but soon I’m going to be sending him lists of information and deadlines and I *will* need him to respond. Do you have any suggestions? How do you react to similar pressure? Am I sort of on the right track?

Your insight is greatly appreciated.

Were I in your shoes, I would acknowledge that you were fine with the non-responsive behavior before, since those were "FYI" emails, but now you'd want an email response to anything with a [deadline | schedule ...], because you need to make plans.

And I'd give a little leeway--like, keep "need your answer by today" stuff to a bare minimum, unless he tells you that's not necessary.

I'm not him, so take this all with a good-sized grain of salt. Sometimes we have problems noticing time, and sometimes we can't stop noticing time, and it's not clear which type he is--or if he's consistent Good luck!