your thoughts on my analogy of what its like being aspie

[nowwhat]

I told someone, "Want to know what its like for me to socialize? Do you play the violin? No? Good. Have any musical ability at all? No? Good. Borrow a violin and show up at a recital with it. Get on the program so you are expected to play when its your turn. (bear with me here) At a certain point, you are ushered to the stage, where you are to play a duet with a talented and accomplished player. Everyone is watching closely and your partner is counting on you. They all have expectations of what you will do, because there you are with your instrument. I dont have to tell you what happens once the piece starts.

Now imagine living in a society where everyone is expected to play the violin well and often, where life centers around it. You can learn to mimic how to carry the case and hold the instrument, but you have a tin ear and no rhythm. You can learn, at best, a few scales and a bar of something here and there, poorly. But you cannot learn to play music. And you are considered useless in that society.

 

[okamiSolus]

This is an excellent analogy. I'm gonna use this to try and explain it to my roommate and girlfriend who just don't seem to get it.

 

[xudo]

I would say that pretty much perfectly sums it up.

 

[Full Steam]

Good analogy.

I also wood say that to make a tune I'd have to study another players bow and finger movements and copy them, rather than actually play the music.

 

[Pondering]

In time, if you practice hard every day, you may be a great rehearsed violinist. Not the next Mozart per se, but half-way decent at best. It's better than sitting down and playing nothing. You keep messing up. But you own it. That's your violin and that's your music and no one in the world can take it from you. Walk away from the spotlight if you want to but sooner or later, you are bound to run into someone who finds beauty and individuality in how you play because no one plays it quite like you do.

 

[Full Steam]

The best response;

F&8k violins, I've got a different drum and I boy do I bash it!

 

[OkRad]

Wow. THat is awesome!! I like that!

And what is funny is that you know what Bach sounds like and Vivaldi and so forth and all the NTs are playing CRAP!!! Crap they saw on tv and mimicked.

And you, when you DO play are right on, great Bach....and they laugh like WTFREAK?

Please stop me from hating NTs. I am very stressed today from their demands and ways. Right now I am hating on NTs but don';t want to...................

 

[abby normal]

I treasure the other non-violinists

 

[OFelixCulpa]

Well, it could be worse (and for me it is). Imagine that you are so bad at violin that you don't even realize how bad you are. You go to recitals and try your best and the best you get is sneers and polite but obviously phony "appreciation." When you finally realize that there is something about the violin that everyone sees/hears/likes that is completely invisible to you, and you realize how much effort you WASTED on it, it can be depressing.

I really used to believe that I was pretty good at socializing. I knew that I didn't get or keep many real friends, but I was determined to stay positive and keep trying. I would power through all the loneliness and pain of rejection by working harder to be friendly and trying to find other friends.

It was only in the last couple of years that I realized/accepted that something was wrong with my approach. I was like the tone-deaf child who sings way louder than all the others and yet wonders why no one appreciates her. The truth is that they all find her singing ghastly, but there is no way to tell her that. Even if it wouldn't hurt her feelings to know she sounds terrible, there really is just no way to explain pitch to someone who doesn't get it.

I am like that child! I know there is something about NTs (i.e., most people) that I don't get--and I never will!

Knowing and accepting this has made me realize that it is foolish for me to work so hard at the game that I so horribly unable to understand. I do regret all the time and energy I wasted on it, but I can't get that back. Now I strive to focus on things that make more sense for me. The quest to accumulate friends is definitely not one of those things. Neither is dancing, by the way, but that is another (embarrassing) story.

 

[Ylva]

I had a mother who insisted I was good at this figurative violin, because she believed that the most important thing was that I believed in myself. I called the bluff eventually, but I became really good at doubting myself.

 

[Adder1234]

Good analogy.
In this analogy, I've become really good at playing the violin without the bow, but I play so well that no one notices and they all think that I'm great. However, when they get to know me they realise that I'm not playing the violin correctly and dislike me.

 

[Darthsuhtek]

The problem with this analogy is : what do you get from it? A sense that it's impossible to socialize? That people should have low expectations of you?

 

[Bolletje]

I love your analogy.

Reminds me of the time I went to a school recital (age 6) with an electronic keyboard and went completely nuts on stage playing this song I had composed myself. No one else enjoyed it though, but I wasn't good enough at social cues to realize that until my teacher told me he hoped I wasn't feeling too embarrassed.

In this analogy I play a mean bit of violin now, but no one notices I'm making it all up on the fly and have no idea where the piece is going and whether people will like it, but that's okay because I'm enjoying it. And most of the time my audience seems to like it as well.

 

[OFelixCulpa]

The problem with this analogy is : what do you get from it? A sense that it's impossible to socialize? That people should have low expectations of you?

"Socialize" is a general term, so you may be thinking of something other than I am. I don't think it's impossible to socialize, rather that it's impractical for me to spend too much energy on it. NT socializing is not what it seems, and I could never keep up with it's intricacies. For example, for most people, small talk isn't--as I had assumed--just filler before the real conversation begins. In small talk NTs are like a pair dogs walking in a circle slightly baring their teeth. They are assessing the power situation; who is the dominator and who is the dominee? When most aspies try to small talk, we sincerely believe it's just words about things that no one cares much about. NTs can sense and function in the other dimension of small talk, we generally can't.

 

[nowwhat]

The problem with this analogy is : what do you get from it? A sense that it's impossible to socialize? That people should have low expectations of you?

I wanted to know if it rang as true for others here as it does for me. That seems to be the case. I was simply trying to convey things I have realized about AS. The conclusions will be as varied as the readers. Pick the one that applies to you.

 

[nowwhat]

"Socialize" is a general term, so you may be thinking of something other than I am. I don't think it's impossible to socialize, rather that it's impractical for me to spend too much energy on it. NT socializing is not what it seems, and I could never keep up with it's intricacies. For example, for most people, small talk isn't--as I had assumed--just filler before the real conversation begins. In small talk NTs are like a pair dogs walking in a circle slightly baring their teeth. They are assessing the power situation; who is the dominator and who is the dominee? When most aspies try to small talk, we sincerely believe it's just words about things that no one cares much about. NTs can sense and function in the other dimension of small talk, we generally can't.

You have touched on something I realized a while ago: For NTs, each and every relationship, interaction, conversation is a power struggle. Aspies really dont do that much.

 

[Bolletje]

You have touched on something I realized a while ago: For NTs, each and every relationship, interaction, conversation is a power struggle. Aspies really dont do that much.

Either that, or they're not aware of the power struggle. I've had quite a few friendhips in which I wasn't aware my friend liked me for how much power they had over me. The moment I stood up for myself and the balance started to shift, chaos ensued.
I still attract people with a dominant personality type and I keep having to establish my boundaries to make sure I'm happy with the way the friendship is going instead of just making the other person happy. Wonder if that's as hard for NT people.

 

[LostInSilentHill]

The problem with this analogy is : what do you get from it? A sense that it's impossible to socialize? That people should have low expectations of you?

Personally, what I get from the analogy is that I am not good at Violin, but that I may be great at playing the Cello. Just because we can't do things exactly like NT's does not mean that we cannot learn to approach the situation from another point and excel. Despite my awful socialising skills, something manages to shine through about me and I do make friends (Few and it's difficult) and people like me.

 

[okamiSolus]

Either that, or they're not aware of the power struggle. I've had quite a few friendhips in which I wasn't aware my friend liked me for how much power they had over me. The moment I stood up for myself and the balance started to shift, chaos ensued.
I still attract people with a dominant personality type and I keep having to establish my boundaries to make sure I'm happy with the way the friendship is going instead of just making the other person happy. Wonder if that's as hard for NT people.

I'm really bad at this. I never know where a friendship is going so I don't even try to make friends and I just stop talking to people who are too overly dominant. I never stand up for myself and dominant is all I attract as well, so it is just too hard for me. I see the power struggle in my "friend group" all the time (there's like 4 of us). Honestly, I hardly consider them my friend group because I am constantly attacked for the way I am, or rather... The way I appear to them. Only one of them, my roommate/closest friend, knows that I have aspergers. I am literally her favorite person because that power struggle doesn't exist between us, which she has even stated.

 

[Ylva]

The problem with this analogy is : what do you get from it?

That's not a problem, that's just a question.