Wasn't there a quote by an Asperger's author...it's been quoted on here for sure, I wish I remember who it was- something like I don't have a problem with myself, just other people. That's kind of how I see it now, anyways.
This... is the exact thing I keep telling everyone who thinks that "my behaviour" is wrong/off. The most prevalent example is when I'm out on job hunt, where they tell me "well, this and this and this is wrong with you, fix it". The reason why I don't fix it, is because I rather tolerate myself than make others tolerate me... I'm still living 24/7 with myself and I can't escape that or lock myself out.
I have a blast being me, I have a blast being "lonely" (according to my therapist who is testing me on ADD as well as being on the spectrum, it's my personal way on how to get stuff done because I proactively eliminate distraction, thus for what she thinks, actually my possible ASD & ADD go hand in hand for about 75% of the time) and I enjoy actually being creative in unorthodox ways without interference of "others". That being said, it's not that I hate being around people to some extent. I mean, I'm on this forum pretty much daily and I usually hang out with a good friend of mine daily for about an hour or so (for a walk at night usually). But I'm cool if he can't make it... I've had times where I just went on forums a bit and haven't gotten out for any social interaction for days, weeks without end, I couldn't care less.
As a kid I never really cared for friends and played by myself, and this is still the case for most part nowadays. I don't have the urge "to go out" for the sake of being with other people. Yes, I do use IM, but I do so when I want to, and not because social ettiquette requires me to behave like I'm part of a herd (of sheeple; I'm sorry, I just had to get this pun out)
To some extent I feel that I'm quite "clunky" in regards to practical stuff. I do have some really weird stuff cognitive wise and all, but in my life I think I've went on to master it and how to work around it. I can do a lot, just dont' expect me to do it "fast" (or if were talking jobs, industry-standardwise). If I can take my time to do so, I can do a lot, that has nothing to do with me being a problem myself, it's that others expect me to do it "faster".
I don't really know if my life would be the same if I was... well more... "normal"(?) I think I might've taken other courses, and had a totally different life and therefore the argument of being succesful in what I tried would be totally null and void. The reason I enrolled in Journalism school once was because I like to write. I like to write because I didn't care for being around people that much, which in effect might be a result of me being on the spectrum. Thus without autism I might not even like to write. I might even be good at sports. Let's write a book about ASD & Alternate universes... "what if".
The last months actually, though with some help of my therapist, I feel that everything is fitting together like a puzzle in regards to "who I am"... but that doesn't make me a functional human being in any other aspect, except for those that already were working. For example, I now see that why I am such a night person, why I rather have a "summer depression" instead of one in the winter, it's because of the peace, quiet and seclusion, that makes me focus more on what I'm doing. I understand why I can live in a totally messy room, and that I actually have a really weird system in my head going on to why it's like that, why I feel comfy in this and how it's actually organized in my mind (because in the big mess in my room I can tell you where something is, why it is there, where it was before and roughly since when it's been there; that's why I couldn't cope with other people moving my stuff around as a kid, and still can't actually, because it messes up my "files")
I don't really have that much of anxiety going on, but then again, I think I am quite "skilled" in working around those situations. I can come up with a dozen of alternatives instead of the one that feels most awkward to me... I love that way of "diagonal thinking" (because it's both forward, as well sideways in possible outcomes).
But yeah, I don't think I'd want to edit something out of this, because all of this is something that shaped me on who I became to be. I should add, I had a lot (A LOT; stressing it in capitals) of freedom in exploring me and what actually makes me tick, what doesn't, what's reasonable for me and what's not. And to some extent, it's a bit of the "what once has been seen, cannot be unseen"-rule that applies here. I can't be forced to be less free because thats's a coherent part of me.
