I need to get this all out there in hopes of finding some absolution in how I'm feeling; that is, maybe someone else is feeling this way too and through my struggles I've helped someone else - that would be great.
The truth is, my whole life (I'm 50 this year) I have always felt out of place - a waffle in a box of donuts...yes, I am likeable, but no one expects a weirdo waffle in a box of donuts, so they throw it away and choose the donuts because the waffle was obviously someone's mistake. "How'd this waffle get in with these donuts?" I was a quiet and curious child, spent my days to age seven singing and having adventures with my Miss Piggy doll - my most cherished companion. At seven, my grandmother died and I was forced to live with my mom who was very scary. Knowing what I know now, I'd say she had BPD (borderline). She was also transient and a product of her childhood abuse/trauma, so she transferred all that stuff to me, unknowingly. Unfortunately, that meant being left with "friends" and relatives, and sometimes even foster care because she did not know how to be a mom. Some of her "friends" were very unkind to me and have left permanent scars - physical and mental. Relatives found me a burden, and the only place left for me was foster homes that were already too burgeoned with kids.
High school was a joke - I was smart but bored, so I quit my senior year and got my GED the same year. College was great and I learned a lot about myself. Unfortunately, I also married young and that only increased/added to my trauma. Because I was codependent and desperate to love, I married the first guy I'd ever been with. We were married for fifteen years and had two beautiful children together - whom I adore and cherish! I have struggled to find work that suits me, having studied art in junior college, leadership in my BA, and initially counseling for my master's - only to be told by gatekeepers at the university that I was "unfit" to counsel people due to the extent of my trauma. I still got my MA but in boring leadership for which I have no interest any longer, just A LOT of debt.
Finding employment has been a nightmare because, while I am smart and intellectually capable, I'm also slow and do not do well with people or loud, hot, crowded places. I had a good job in MN but when we divorced, I moved to Iowa to keep custody of my kids and allow them to see their dad regularly. IA has not been kind to me, and I hate it. So rural, so conservative, so close-minded....I am a grapefruit among plums, and I don't/haven't been able to make many friends - the friends I do have are not natives, so that makes sense. My current job I've had for eight years working part-time at a college, but due to budget cuts my job is ending in a few weeks and I'm overwhelmed with what that means for me. I have tried having an advocate in the past, as well as vocational rehab, but both have failed because "I present well" and "don't seem autistic".
Flash forward to the reason I sought out community through a support network: my family disowned me once I told them of my diagnosis. I make terrible financial decisions and ended up consolidating my debt by using my car title as collateral; however, I did not expect to be losing my job and now I fear I will also lose my car because it will be very hard to make that loan payment considering it is not easy for me to find work where I live and I hate driving any further than 30 miles away. I am homeless, have been for the last several years, having to live with my only friend for the last six years. I currently live with my ex-husband who used to abuse me, in an attempt to help my son through his eating disorder (it's a messed up story, sorry) but at least I'm helping him and I have a warm place to sleep. I have tried to acquire SSI but been rejected five times because I'm "too educated".... I literally feel at my wit's end. When I tried to refinance my loan, the loan person was so very rude and condescending - I ask a lot of questions or I don't so as not to look stupid, but apparently I was "too much" for her so she sent me to someone else.
The thing is, I am always "too much" or "not enough" - vacillating between the two extremes. My cat is the only thing that gets me up in the morning to even try to keep going, and I am so grateful for her. I much prefer the company of animals to people, and I think I could happily live in the middle of a forest in a little shack surrounded by animals - but I'd probably die because I also can't cook and have some serious dyspraxia. I feel so out of place, and as I reach this milestone of life, I wonder if I'll ever find my place. I've always liked being different, but at the same time, it hurts because I feel like I'm an imposter - especially to myself.
My point is, does anyone else feel like they've missed out on what it means to be a functional human being? I mean, I'm nearly 50 - I should have this down by now...but I don't. If anything, it all seems more difficult to navigate the older I get. I'm in a relationship but we keep it long distance because I enjoy my space and time to do whatever I want to do without someone else. They're also pretty needy, so that drains what little energy I have.
Does anyone else on the spectrum struggle with issues like this (all of the above adulting stuff) or am I just a lonely anomaly?? A waffle in a box of donuts....swiftly discarded for the choice of something better.
The truth is, my whole life (I'm 50 this year) I have always felt out of place - a waffle in a box of donuts...yes, I am likeable, but no one expects a weirdo waffle in a box of donuts, so they throw it away and choose the donuts because the waffle was obviously someone's mistake. "How'd this waffle get in with these donuts?" I was a quiet and curious child, spent my days to age seven singing and having adventures with my Miss Piggy doll - my most cherished companion. At seven, my grandmother died and I was forced to live with my mom who was very scary. Knowing what I know now, I'd say she had BPD (borderline). She was also transient and a product of her childhood abuse/trauma, so she transferred all that stuff to me, unknowingly. Unfortunately, that meant being left with "friends" and relatives, and sometimes even foster care because she did not know how to be a mom. Some of her "friends" were very unkind to me and have left permanent scars - physical and mental. Relatives found me a burden, and the only place left for me was foster homes that were already too burgeoned with kids.
High school was a joke - I was smart but bored, so I quit my senior year and got my GED the same year. College was great and I learned a lot about myself. Unfortunately, I also married young and that only increased/added to my trauma. Because I was codependent and desperate to love, I married the first guy I'd ever been with. We were married for fifteen years and had two beautiful children together - whom I adore and cherish! I have struggled to find work that suits me, having studied art in junior college, leadership in my BA, and initially counseling for my master's - only to be told by gatekeepers at the university that I was "unfit" to counsel people due to the extent of my trauma. I still got my MA but in boring leadership for which I have no interest any longer, just A LOT of debt.
Finding employment has been a nightmare because, while I am smart and intellectually capable, I'm also slow and do not do well with people or loud, hot, crowded places. I had a good job in MN but when we divorced, I moved to Iowa to keep custody of my kids and allow them to see their dad regularly. IA has not been kind to me, and I hate it. So rural, so conservative, so close-minded....I am a grapefruit among plums, and I don't/haven't been able to make many friends - the friends I do have are not natives, so that makes sense. My current job I've had for eight years working part-time at a college, but due to budget cuts my job is ending in a few weeks and I'm overwhelmed with what that means for me. I have tried having an advocate in the past, as well as vocational rehab, but both have failed because "I present well" and "don't seem autistic".
Flash forward to the reason I sought out community through a support network: my family disowned me once I told them of my diagnosis. I make terrible financial decisions and ended up consolidating my debt by using my car title as collateral; however, I did not expect to be losing my job and now I fear I will also lose my car because it will be very hard to make that loan payment considering it is not easy for me to find work where I live and I hate driving any further than 30 miles away. I am homeless, have been for the last several years, having to live with my only friend for the last six years. I currently live with my ex-husband who used to abuse me, in an attempt to help my son through his eating disorder (it's a messed up story, sorry) but at least I'm helping him and I have a warm place to sleep. I have tried to acquire SSI but been rejected five times because I'm "too educated".... I literally feel at my wit's end. When I tried to refinance my loan, the loan person was so very rude and condescending - I ask a lot of questions or I don't so as not to look stupid, but apparently I was "too much" for her so she sent me to someone else.
The thing is, I am always "too much" or "not enough" - vacillating between the two extremes. My cat is the only thing that gets me up in the morning to even try to keep going, and I am so grateful for her. I much prefer the company of animals to people, and I think I could happily live in the middle of a forest in a little shack surrounded by animals - but I'd probably die because I also can't cook and have some serious dyspraxia. I feel so out of place, and as I reach this milestone of life, I wonder if I'll ever find my place. I've always liked being different, but at the same time, it hurts because I feel like I'm an imposter - especially to myself.
My point is, does anyone else feel like they've missed out on what it means to be a functional human being? I mean, I'm nearly 50 - I should have this down by now...but I don't. If anything, it all seems more difficult to navigate the older I get. I'm in a relationship but we keep it long distance because I enjoy my space and time to do whatever I want to do without someone else. They're also pretty needy, so that drains what little energy I have.
Does anyone else on the spectrum struggle with issues like this (all of the above adulting stuff) or am I just a lonely anomaly?? A waffle in a box of donuts....swiftly discarded for the choice of something better.
