I've been thinking about a lot of stuff, and I've come to a few conclusions. First off, I desperately need a community to belong to, because right now, I don't belong to any. A big part of as to why I don't comes from my autism; I have no strong interest in seeking out others. Except...unless I seek out others, the need (and it IS a need. A vital one) will go unmet.
Second, I lack a meaningful support system. Both my parents don't recognize my issues as actual issues and claim that both autism and therapy are fake and useless. They both have left me to my own devices, and so I am alone to solve my own issues. While I do have friends, and while they do recognize my issues are real, every single one of them has essentially taken the same route as my parents. I am on my own. No support.
…My brain is failing me. I'm trying to figure out the next step in this contemplation, but I'm having trouble focusing... Another autism issue.
Let's step off for the moment and look at other things. The next step is to enter another community and attempt to integrate. How to do that is the issue. I figure the best approach to jump in, but I constantly worry about the timing to do so for the most natural and least awkward integration. But my interests are too narrow...One particular community I looked at had people talking about Guilty Gear, POkemon TCG, YuGiOh, Granblue, their art projects, programming tips...but I don't do any of these things or play any of these games. No one's talking about the stuff I'm interested in. Genshin, FFXIV, Fate, stuff like that...
Of course, the best alternative is to talk an interest in THEIR interests, but...well, I need to be interested in their interests first, otherwise, I'm likely to fall off before I get far enough to actually have something to talk about. My autism strikes again.
And no one's willing to understand my issues and help keep me honest by occasionally calling me out, either, which is something I desperately need for what I have to deal with.
And that leaves me with a big fear. One I've been grappling with for some time: constantly being told that I don't get to have any of that. That I HAVE to deal with all of this on my own, or I don't deserve to even survive, much less be a part of human society.
…This seems like I'm venting, but I think, if I'm to have any courage to get any of my needs met, I need to get this out somewhere. I need to have the courage to...I dunno...ask for help? Get involved in a community? (My focus may be failing again...) Putting this all here may not even result in anything at all, but I see getting this stuff out at all as an important first step.
I honestly doubt anyone actually understands what I'm talking about, much less is even listening to me, but I gotta start somewhere. Especially if I wanna get out of my negativity.
Although....A question appears in my mind. How do I proceed from here? I can't expect others to approach me, but so many other people have made it clear: they don't want to know all of me at once? Even though my personal issues are at the core of why I'm approaching others in the first place... And moderation is not my strong suit...
Or, I should be saying that social interaction is not my strong suit. I'm more likely to crash through social norms and customs without even realizing they're there than to actually talk like a normal human being.
That's it for now. Dunno why I have to attach an image to post, but here's an image of a random vase.
Second, I lack a meaningful support system. Both my parents don't recognize my issues as actual issues and claim that both autism and therapy are fake and useless. They both have left me to my own devices, and so I am alone to solve my own issues. While I do have friends, and while they do recognize my issues are real, every single one of them has essentially taken the same route as my parents. I am on my own. No support.
…My brain is failing me. I'm trying to figure out the next step in this contemplation, but I'm having trouble focusing... Another autism issue.
Let's step off for the moment and look at other things. The next step is to enter another community and attempt to integrate. How to do that is the issue. I figure the best approach to jump in, but I constantly worry about the timing to do so for the most natural and least awkward integration. But my interests are too narrow...One particular community I looked at had people talking about Guilty Gear, POkemon TCG, YuGiOh, Granblue, their art projects, programming tips...but I don't do any of these things or play any of these games. No one's talking about the stuff I'm interested in. Genshin, FFXIV, Fate, stuff like that...
Of course, the best alternative is to talk an interest in THEIR interests, but...well, I need to be interested in their interests first, otherwise, I'm likely to fall off before I get far enough to actually have something to talk about. My autism strikes again.
And no one's willing to understand my issues and help keep me honest by occasionally calling me out, either, which is something I desperately need for what I have to deal with.
And that leaves me with a big fear. One I've been grappling with for some time: constantly being told that I don't get to have any of that. That I HAVE to deal with all of this on my own, or I don't deserve to even survive, much less be a part of human society.
…This seems like I'm venting, but I think, if I'm to have any courage to get any of my needs met, I need to get this out somewhere. I need to have the courage to...I dunno...ask for help? Get involved in a community? (My focus may be failing again...) Putting this all here may not even result in anything at all, but I see getting this stuff out at all as an important first step.
I honestly doubt anyone actually understands what I'm talking about, much less is even listening to me, but I gotta start somewhere. Especially if I wanna get out of my negativity.
Although....A question appears in my mind. How do I proceed from here? I can't expect others to approach me, but so many other people have made it clear: they don't want to know all of me at once? Even though my personal issues are at the core of why I'm approaching others in the first place... And moderation is not my strong suit...
Or, I should be saying that social interaction is not my strong suit. I'm more likely to crash through social norms and customs without even realizing they're there than to actually talk like a normal human being.
That's it for now. Dunno why I have to attach an image to post, but here's an image of a random vase.
