rought up my part of my past in another thread and exposed some personal information. It got me think about somthingni have been worrying about for a while in the near past.
Before grade three I was described to be a relatively normal. I was late inti speach but the doctors thought it was because of an ear infection, i think knowing today that it was a developmental issue. I had to go to speech therapy from early on well into the end of grade six. Everything was good ,then grade three happened. I belive the teachers before that year where good and knew how to work with some of my differences. But my grade three teacher was an old and rude grouchy who "didn't have time to deal with my ******" an exact quote from a parent teachers meeting that I was overhearing, from the other side of the god dann table.
Things got bad quick. I started with meltdowns which at that time where just periods on nonresponsavness a pure undying stuberness. Grade five, I was the kid who attacked anyone who tried to talk to him, and layed down at the back of the class, using the jackets of my classmates to make a comfy bed to take naps. The school didn't expel me for reasons I don't know for sure, but I was sure that they where sick of me. They may as well put my name on the office door for kids who get in school suspensions.
Moved schools middle of grade five. A generalbelief was that I was acting out these ways just because the horrible situation I was placed in with the school with the horrible teachers the persistent bullying and all that other stuff. The problems are much deeper than that and after a month of readjusting and being generally happy kid I assume divulged into my past Behaviours. I would have months where one good and high-functioning students facts the students in which excels at the school were given to himbut at the times where I was bad it was debilitating in the moment and also in the long-term as I skip out on a lot of work. The people that suggested the school to me we're not as blind as to completely ignore the possibilities that I do have problems and did Place me in a relatively light behavioral school that deals with quote-unquote troubled kids and focused on development of speech. I finished grade 5 and 6 having my fair share breakdowns meltdowns and moments in which I look back and cringe upon but for the most part because of the system it did help me in the times in which I did break down. Instead of continuing MiddleSchool in that school (I know bad wording but I'm too lazy to change it) butts the school was on the other side of the city and my bus ride there was 2 hours 30 minutes and my ride back was an equal 2 hours 30 minutes. Short bus life
I moved to a local middle school and thenthat middle school I was in a learning disabilities class. Learning disabilities worth the least of my problems I literally made my teacher going to stress leave to the point in which she never returned and because of my sadistic Middle School personality I took that as a sense of Pride yeah I was weird and messed up. Because of my previous experience with bullying, I wasn't going to take any of that stuff. So when I thought I was being bullied, I would almost all out attack them right then and there. It worked against people who did bully me kind of, but I could become defensive to the point of violence on misinterpretations of what I thought was bullying. I didn't trust anyone do that was a lot. I lost not just friends, but gained the status of 'spaz' which was well justified.
The ways in which I melted down changed. It started to become less reserved and more outwards and aggressive. After a few meltdown a subsequent fights, I was expelled and finally moved to a hospital. I still had my problems, but there was therapy and an understanding, generally strict, but reasonable staff and teachers who understood the problems. I had the few people I disliked, but it was left at that. I didn't get into any fights, not because I couldn't, but because I didn't feel the need to be so defensive. I stayed for the remainder of grade seven and half of eight. They transferred me on good behavior, but it was only part of the cycle. The remainder of senior high was in a specialised school on the other end of the city short bus for life. A lot of the really bad stuff was delt with, but I still had cycles of good behavior and bad behavior. Went to the same system, but placed within a normal school for high school. I was doing good in the sense that I didn't have as many meltdowns, but instead I was just lazy an unmotivated. So yay...? Things broke up again when I started to realise that even though I felt comfortable talking, I wasn't good at it. I noticed people avoided me, and some people outwardly told me that I was weird in a condescending way before avoiding me. Now I have social anxiety on top of being a horrible student. I just stopped going, and often just walked out of class to go home when I was board. Teachers did what was within their power, but they couldn't physacily stop me, and I didn't give a thought about the consequences.
Suicidality took hold. I will go more into the whole subject latter, but this is when It got serious. I'm having trouble reemering what happened next. Either I attempted the suicide or I told my mom what I was feeling and ended up back into the hospital. Thinking about it now, I am kind of certain it was the latter.
I went to a high security facility and stayed their for a couple of months, it sucked. I was then transferred to the original hospital I stayed at. I was thankful it happened so quickly because I was told I could stay at high risk for another four months because of the scale of the problems I was dealing with.
My meltdowns at that point where the worst they have been in my life. Just pure anger and resentment, to the point in which idiolagies became extremely suicidal or even worse homicidal. I thought about it a lot, but I knew deep down then and know that it never would have turned into me killing someone other than myself. I was living in constant bitter anger and It has hurt me with wounds that scar my mind today.
I attempted suicide, to this day I wish it had worked. Spent time in normal people hospitals. Then transferred back to the original place. Layer in that year a friend died by his own hands.
I got out at he end of the year and went to a new school.
After a week I didn't go.
By that time had overcame the hoicial aspect of myself. And all that was left was self hatred.
After a month I attempted again, by better (why god,?) Then was put into an adults hospital.
Attempted suicide after they gave me limited home privileges.
Got somewhat better mentally, was released, after a month got a job opportunity, collapsed mentally
Tried to kill myself, caught in the ******* act, it undoubtably would have been lethal. Parents just kept an extremely close eyes on me. Tried another job, collapsed under pressure. Got depressed where I was begging for the end every night and beating myself up mental and physical for not having the ability to take extreme measures to end my life.
I applied for ASH. Said I was working to words getting better to be able to work come January. I am making progress, but you might be able to see at I am so god dann hopeless about ever being able to gain that ability. My god I am trying, I have some much tonight for, it isn't fast enough, I won't be ready. When I have to finish high school in January, that is when I will die. Part of me wants to live, but it is completely overshadowed by the part that wants this sick excuse of a life to just, finally, end. Suicide has been part of my life since I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD I want it to end so badly, I don't even care if there is hope or not, if life is worth it or not. I just want it to end, it is nothing but pain, and there is ABSALUTY NOTHING TELING ME IT WILL CHANGE I want it to end. O be over, this is beyond talk or therapy, this s just me eating to escape the brutal torture of just exstance.
I don't want potty, or those stupid rainbow and hearts you guys give out. I dnt want solutions or relatable stories, or he you overcame something you went through. I don't care about any of that. I just want someone to hear about the shitshow that is my life. And to understand. Not just understand why I am feeling suicidal and add some reason as to why you think you have more insight in my own life and tell me it is the wrong choice, you don't know a good dann thing about me. Nothing. I want you to hear. That's about it.
Sorry but not sorry, I'm not reading this vet to check forbmistakes. Writing it was hard enough. I be live you guys are smart enough t get what I am saying.
Note:
This is an interesting piece. This was from around when I joined this website. Lack of social contact for a few years drove me a bit bonkers. Back then, this was the type of stuff I only talked about. I would have to thank the people still around me for putting up with this craziness until I calmed down. This is hard to read over, but I know I am a different person know. Maybe the same at heart, but maybe more refined. Thank god I did away with these rants, they were not healthy for me or anyone around me. Took me a bit to long to realize that. I am keeping this up because I want to remind myself, and maybe even others that change is possible. Look back to only see how far you have came.
Before grade three I was described to be a relatively normal. I was late inti speach but the doctors thought it was because of an ear infection, i think knowing today that it was a developmental issue. I had to go to speech therapy from early on well into the end of grade six. Everything was good ,then grade three happened. I belive the teachers before that year where good and knew how to work with some of my differences. But my grade three teacher was an old and rude grouchy who "didn't have time to deal with my ******" an exact quote from a parent teachers meeting that I was overhearing, from the other side of the god dann table.
Things got bad quick. I started with meltdowns which at that time where just periods on nonresponsavness a pure undying stuberness. Grade five, I was the kid who attacked anyone who tried to talk to him, and layed down at the back of the class, using the jackets of my classmates to make a comfy bed to take naps. The school didn't expel me for reasons I don't know for sure, but I was sure that they where sick of me. They may as well put my name on the office door for kids who get in school suspensions.
Moved schools middle of grade five. A generalbelief was that I was acting out these ways just because the horrible situation I was placed in with the school with the horrible teachers the persistent bullying and all that other stuff. The problems are much deeper than that and after a month of readjusting and being generally happy kid I assume divulged into my past Behaviours. I would have months where one good and high-functioning students facts the students in which excels at the school were given to himbut at the times where I was bad it was debilitating in the moment and also in the long-term as I skip out on a lot of work. The people that suggested the school to me we're not as blind as to completely ignore the possibilities that I do have problems and did Place me in a relatively light behavioral school that deals with quote-unquote troubled kids and focused on development of speech. I finished grade 5 and 6 having my fair share breakdowns meltdowns and moments in which I look back and cringe upon but for the most part because of the system it did help me in the times in which I did break down. Instead of continuing MiddleSchool in that school (I know bad wording but I'm too lazy to change it) butts the school was on the other side of the city and my bus ride there was 2 hours 30 minutes and my ride back was an equal 2 hours 30 minutes. Short bus life
I moved to a local middle school and thenthat middle school I was in a learning disabilities class. Learning disabilities worth the least of my problems I literally made my teacher going to stress leave to the point in which she never returned and because of my sadistic Middle School personality I took that as a sense of Pride yeah I was weird and messed up. Because of my previous experience with bullying, I wasn't going to take any of that stuff. So when I thought I was being bullied, I would almost all out attack them right then and there. It worked against people who did bully me kind of, but I could become defensive to the point of violence on misinterpretations of what I thought was bullying. I didn't trust anyone do that was a lot. I lost not just friends, but gained the status of 'spaz' which was well justified.The ways in which I melted down changed. It started to become less reserved and more outwards and aggressive. After a few meltdown a subsequent fights, I was expelled and finally moved to a hospital. I still had my problems, but there was therapy and an understanding, generally strict, but reasonable staff and teachers who understood the problems. I had the few people I disliked, but it was left at that. I didn't get into any fights, not because I couldn't, but because I didn't feel the need to be so defensive. I stayed for the remainder of grade seven and half of eight. They transferred me on good behavior, but it was only part of the cycle. The remainder of senior high was in a specialised school on the other end of the city short bus for life. A lot of the really bad stuff was delt with, but I still had cycles of good behavior and bad behavior. Went to the same system, but placed within a normal school for high school. I was doing good in the sense that I didn't have as many meltdowns, but instead I was just lazy an unmotivated. So yay...? Things broke up again when I started to realise that even though I felt comfortable talking, I wasn't good at it. I noticed people avoided me, and some people outwardly told me that I was weird in a condescending way before avoiding me. Now I have social anxiety on top of being a horrible student. I just stopped going, and often just walked out of class to go home when I was board. Teachers did what was within their power, but they couldn't physacily stop me, and I didn't give a thought about the consequences.
Suicidality took hold. I will go more into the whole subject latter, but this is when It got serious. I'm having trouble reemering what happened next. Either I attempted the suicide or I told my mom what I was feeling and ended up back into the hospital. Thinking about it now, I am kind of certain it was the latter.
I went to a high security facility and stayed their for a couple of months, it sucked. I was then transferred to the original hospital I stayed at. I was thankful it happened so quickly because I was told I could stay at high risk for another four months because of the scale of the problems I was dealing with.
My meltdowns at that point where the worst they have been in my life. Just pure anger and resentment, to the point in which idiolagies became extremely suicidal or even worse homicidal. I thought about it a lot, but I knew deep down then and know that it never would have turned into me killing someone other than myself. I was living in constant bitter anger and It has hurt me with wounds that scar my mind today.
I attempted suicide, to this day I wish it had worked. Spent time in normal people hospitals. Then transferred back to the original place. Layer in that year a friend died by his own hands.
I got out at he end of the year and went to a new school.
After a week I didn't go.
By that time had overcame the hoicial aspect of myself. And all that was left was self hatred.
After a month I attempted again, by better (why god,?) Then was put into an adults hospital.
Attempted suicide after they gave me limited home privileges.
Got somewhat better mentally, was released, after a month got a job opportunity, collapsed mentally
Tried to kill myself, caught in the ******* act, it undoubtably would have been lethal. Parents just kept an extremely close eyes on me. Tried another job, collapsed under pressure. Got depressed where I was begging for the end every night and beating myself up mental and physical for not having the ability to take extreme measures to end my life.
I applied for ASH. Said I was working to words getting better to be able to work come January. I am making progress, but you might be able to see at I am so god dann hopeless about ever being able to gain that ability. My god I am trying, I have some much tonight for, it isn't fast enough, I won't be ready. When I have to finish high school in January, that is when I will die. Part of me wants to live, but it is completely overshadowed by the part that wants this sick excuse of a life to just, finally, end. Suicide has been part of my life since I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD I want it to end so badly, I don't even care if there is hope or not, if life is worth it or not. I just want it to end, it is nothing but pain, and there is ABSALUTY NOTHING TELING ME IT WILL CHANGE I want it to end. O be over, this is beyond talk or therapy, this s just me eating to escape the brutal torture of just exstance.
I don't want potty, or those stupid rainbow and hearts you guys give out. I dnt want solutions or relatable stories, or he you overcame something you went through. I don't care about any of that. I just want someone to hear about the shitshow that is my life. And to understand. Not just understand why I am feeling suicidal and add some reason as to why you think you have more insight in my own life and tell me it is the wrong choice, you don't know a good dann thing about me. Nothing. I want you to hear. That's about it.
Sorry but not sorry, I'm not reading this vet to check forbmistakes. Writing it was hard enough. I be live you guys are smart enough t get what I am saying.
Note:
This is an interesting piece. This was from around when I joined this website. Lack of social contact for a few years drove me a bit bonkers. Back then, this was the type of stuff I only talked about. I would have to thank the people still around me for putting up with this craziness until I calmed down. This is hard to read over, but I know I am a different person know. Maybe the same at heart, but maybe more refined. Thank god I did away with these rants, they were not healthy for me or anyone around me. Took me a bit to long to realize that. I am keeping this up because I want to remind myself, and maybe even others that change is possible. Look back to only see how far you have came.