Hi my name is Shelby and I'm an addict

For those who can't read the blog details for whatever reason: This is written 8/8/23 at 10:44pm.
Hello... My name is Shelby. I'm a guy, yes I know I have a girls name. But that's OK because I'm gay so I'm kinda halfway anyways haha. I've been looking for a place to put a blog for a very long time. I used to have a blog on a website called bluelight, but I got bullied off of it and it just ended badly for a multitude of reasons.

However I thought it was really cathartic to write like I figured a lot of things about myself and I got to bounce some ideas off of other people and mostly I heard back how stupid those ideas were but also I heard some good feedback too, and I'm really grateful for that.

I love writing. I'm much better with my written words than I am my speaking words. I don't say too much in real life but it all comes out in my writing.

Just so that way you know... I'm in active addiction. I've tried NA, AA, and rehab and none of them have worked, even though I absolutely hated my addiction from the beginning. My doc (drug of choice) is methamphetamine. I usually smoke it but my favorite way is shooting it. I've been an addict for about 8 years now and I've had stretches of clean time, and I had a lot of cleantime when I was writing on bluelight so I'm hoping to go down that route again on this website.

Ultimately what I'm hoping to achieve with this blog is I want to help other autistics who are in my situation. Autistics who didn't know they were autistics, autistics who wonder why the conventional way of rehab and 12 steps doesn't work for them. The idea here is that one day I'm going to find a way out of this ******** and I'll have the ultimate guide written down on how to get clean for autistics with adhd and pda.

Because nobody should be in this alone and then have someone tell them that they're not trying hard enough just because they don't get it. No you ARE trying, and I see you, it's THEM that doesn't get YOU, not the other way around. I know how hard it is to see so many other autistics in addiction as well and wonder why there hasn't been a solution to this already. Why nobody even acknowledges that you're more likely to be an addict if you're neurodivergent... I know... And we're going to make it out of this... Together... I know how hard it is. And you're not alone.

I'll probably come back and rewrite this intro one day but that's all I got for now.
It's okay to write me I'm looking to have more interaction with other autistic people.

I'm glad you're here.

Shelby 8/8/23 11:04pm

PS. It made me attach a photo for some reason. That's my dog. He's a good boy. He's also my best friend. His name is Butch, or, Butchy or Butchy L ee or Mr. Puddin pie

I guess I said I would write in this. So tomorrow is my roommates birthday. I'm going to write about my roommate much more later but for now just know she is turning 54 and she is neurodivergent as well. She knows she has dyslexia and she can't read or write but also I'm 99% sure she falls on the autism spectrum as well. We really work together well because we're both kind of old souls even though I'm 28. Today her friend took us to olive garden for her birthday and it was a good time. Sherry (my roommate) isn't afraid to have the attention on her she asked the waiter "it's my birthday tomorrow do I get a cake?" lol. I'm really grateful for my roommate. She's a good person. She doesn't know I use still... I hide it from her the best I can. Thankfully the dope I been getting has been super weak so the high maybe lasts 30 minutes and it's over so I can do it while she sleeps and it keeps the cravings away.
If you see this would you mind dropping a hi or something so that way I know you're out there? I'm scared that I'll be writing to nobody which is what I don't want.
Thanks
Shelby 8/9/23 11:44pm

Apologies for doing this in the wrong place or wrong way, but I can't quite work out what's going on here - if someone can move this/delete it/edit it, whatever, so it goes to the right place and Selby see's it, I'd be most grateful (and a hint on what I may missed on, in understanding the UI, maybe? Thank you!)

Shelby:
You've made a really nice intro here, i for one enjoyed (is that the right way to express it?) reading it and found many aspects common to the things you've mentioned (mental diversity etc).
It's sad that you've been bullied off another site you presumably felt comfortable in previously, but from my experience, whatever the place you need to accept there will always be at least one toxic member - they may not even intend to be, or know they are, and often it can be selective (no-one is all bad, or all good, we all have good and bad aspects, reducing anyone to something so crude and simple is insulting to be honest, but unhelpful more importantly!
We are all complex creatures, with so much more in them than we can express in a hundred in-depth posts! No one should criticise others without trying to find out the actual truth of the matter (as near we can). Otherwise we end up projecting our own biases at others.
If you find someone else who you feel is driving you away, remember for every one of those, there'll be 100 others who don't think that same negative post, but for whatever reason find it hard to express that in a post of their own.
And considering the sorts of people this site is aimed at, that can't be surprising, but doesn't reflect their feelings about you or any other poster! (although we do tend to assume the worse possibility, given no better info to go on)
Yes, easy for me to say, but it's a heartfelt message, and one I've had some experience of in the past of, for whatever that's worth.
Anyway, well met! I hope you find the people here as welcoming and non-judgemental as I have, as a recent joiner and a clumsy communicator! Good luck!

Thank you for the love, boogs
I'm really surprised and grateful for the love I have received here and I'm happy to make y'all my family. It appears that this website is kind of new and I'm excited at the possibilities of making new friends here. I will say the my least favorite thing about this website so far is the intrusive ads on mobile. Sometimes they're full screen and you can't get them to go away unless you close out and come back in. So far it's not been a problem but I fear that I'm going to end up losing some good writing one day because of it.
Anyways, today was my roommates birthday. I made her a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and I made spaghetti for her. She loved it.

As I become more comfortable here I will post more and more about my life. And I'm excited to do that. I want y'all to know me and I want to know y'all. I hope this is the beginning of a long friendship.

Oh annnnndddd I stayed sober today

Shelby 8/10/23 7:09pm

Well, I thought I was going to be sober today... My dealer texted and asked if I wanted some and I had some change laying around... You know? I'm good until someone asks me or shows up. I know the whole idea is like "keep the mentally ill kid addicted so he will keep spending more money" but in reality I'm hoping that with the lack of me asking for it and the lack of money (I just started working part time from full time and it's really I think one of the greatest moves I've pulled for myself in a long time... Which... I should definitely make a post on this sometime... Anyways I was always overwhelmed working 5 days a week and then the 2 days I got off didn't feel like time off at all because I was recouping from all the people interactions I was having) I have to just spend on it... My dealer will get the idea... I say that but then I just spent a bunch of pocket change on it.

Idk... I just want to warn you... I've been an addict for almost 10 years now and I've notice about year 12 or so is where people start to develop bad symptoms like liver failure or heart failure... I worry and I don't know if I should be worried, because the drugs are getting weaker. I know how in the news they say the drugs are getting stronger but they definitely mean fentynal. Boy am I glad I'm not on that ****, I would have OD'd long ago. The meth is getting weaker, see, where I live meth is being supplied by the cartels in Mexico, and basically they have figured out how to make meth cheap and easy and in large quantities after all of the busts that happened in the states. So even though meth is still a problem, it's not like it was, like at least for Oklahoma they shut down all the local meth makers like they just don't seem to exist anymore. So now meth is pretty equivalent in power to a very large dose of adderall, which, back in the day it used to be way way way more (also the chemical compounding was different giving it more of a euphoric effect, which that chemical component has basically been taken out with the new cheap stuff)... But now it's weak. But here I am still addicted to the ****.
Anyways with all that said I just wanted to let you know not to get frustrated at me when I don't just "get clean" like yes that's the goal yes I hate my addiction I'm terrified of dying not sober but it's like when it comes down to it, you could say I'm not done yet. So I'm trying harm reduction and part of my harm reduction is writing here... Getting all of my feelings out on paper... So hopefully it will allow me to move on.

I really want to. I really really do.

Shelby 8/11/23 1:18am

Hi guys how's it going? I'm doing ok. Worked today. I'll work tomorrow and Sunday too. It was a pretty chaotic day. A lot of laundry. Idk if I mentioned it but I work at a hotel doing front desk stuff... So checking people in and out sweeping and mopping the lobby laundry etc. Today my boss came up to me and she was having a tough day I could tell, and then to top it off her boyfriend/male guy figure in her life likes to tell her what she is doing wrong and she was taking it really hard and almost cried to me. I didn't know whether I should've hugged her and told her it was going to be ok or what. I'm not too good with crying.
Like and it's funny though I LIVE for people being authentic with me like I can sniff out some ******** really fast (usually, unless it's new ******** I've never came across which happens from time to time) I just hate it when their authenticity is rooted in greif or rage like I don't know what to do with those like I can hold happiness and joy with you, those are easy. But it's always been hard for me to sit with someone else's sorrows.
This might be a good time to mention what I believe my autistic profile is.
So I believe I'm level 2 autistic internalized pda with adhd and alexithymia with a sprinkle of ocd (mostly moral scripulosity). I do believe that not every psychiatrist would see this, from what I've heard pda (and especially the internalized type) makes taking off a mask damn near impossible. I think this might be why I use drugs because it allows me at the end of the day to take off my mask and if it weren't for the drugs I would have no idea how to take off my mask.

Anyways I'll write more about that another time my dog needs to go potty so I'm gonna take him.

I'll talk to y'all soon
Shelby 8/12/23 2:54am

slw0363 said:

Well, I thought I was going to be sober today... My dealer texted and asked if I wanted some and I had some change laying around... You know? I'm good until someone asks me or shows up. I know the whole idea is like "keep the mentally ill kid addicted so he will keep spending more money" but in reality I'm hoping that with the lack of me asking for it and the lack of money (I just started working part time from full time and it's really I think one of the greatest moves I've pulled for myself in a long time... Which... I should definitely make a post on this sometime... Anyways I was always overwhelmed working 5 days a week and then the 2 days I got off didn't feel like time off at all because I was recouping from all the people interactions I was having) I have to just spend on it... My dealer will get the idea... I say that but then I just spent a bunch of pocket change on it.

Idk... I just want to warn you... I've been an addict for almost 10 years now and I've notice about year 12 or so is where people start to develop bad **** like liver failure or heart failure... I worry and I don't know if I should be worried, because the drugs are getting weaker. I know how in the news they say the drugs are getting stronger but they definitely mean fentynal. Boy am I glad I'm not on that ****, I would have OD'd long ago. The meth is getting weaker, see, where I live meth is being supplied by the cartels in Mexico, and basically they have figured out how to make meth cheap and easy and in large quantities after all of the busts that happened in the states. So even though meth is still a problem, it's not like it was, like at least for Oklahoma they shut down all the local meth makers like they just don't seem to exist anymore. So now meth is pretty equivalent in power to a very large dose of adderall, which, back in the day it used to be way way way more (also the chemical compounding was different giving it more of a euphoric effect, which that chemical component has basically been taken out with the new cheap stuff)... But now it's weak. But ****in a here I am still addicted to the ****.
Anyways with all that said I just wanted to let you know not to get frustrated at me when I don't just "get clean" like yes that's the goal yes I ****ing hate my addiction I'm terrified of dying not sober but it's like when it comes down to it, you could say I'm not done yet. So I'm trying harm reduction and part of my harm reduction is writing here... Getting all of my feelings out on paper... So hopefully it will allow me to move on.

I really want to. I really really do.

Shelby 8/11/23 1:18am

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Sorry to hear that, but it is, after all, very much the nature of the beast!
Always remember, it's an illness, not a crime (although it's an illness that's been criminalised, even if for other reasons).
From my experience (and take with a pinch of salt, always best to be cautiously questioning of other peoples comments, to avoid misunderstandings all to easy to make), beating yourself up over a lapse or relapse of some sort is wholly unhelpful to anyone, and in fact will more likely make you feel worse, and thus make another lapse, other self-harmful behaviour more likely! You have to be kind to yourself, and forgiving. It's yourself you've hurt, not someone else (directly, at least), and punishment, what ever society make think or demonstrate, has never helped anything or anyone in these situations.
Addiction is far more common than many realise. And while some 'causes' may have additional physical problems, if you consider something like gambling, this can be more damaging than a drug addiction, with few limitations on how much can be spent on it! And ultimately, like most addictions, it works on the chemistry of the brain, just like a chemical drug.

In addition, it's now believed that addictions make use of the same pathways in the brain as the most basic human needs for survival, even including that of love! (love = reproduction, a critical motivator like feeding and shelter, etc).
It's quite possible to relate the experience of being madly in love with someone, with being addicted to something!
In fact, many addicts relate their own addiction as being like a tumultuous love-affair with their drug of choice.

My own experiences led me to believe that self discovery can be one way towards gaining an understanding of why I've ended up in some sort of addictive behaviour trap, and very often, the drug itself isn't the real reason (and this is also why moving off a drug, only to use another substitute in the same way, rarely helps - unless part of a deliberate controlled medical program, like with methadone for opiate addicts). Alcohol, by the way, is very very much an addictive and dangerous drug, just as much as mot illegal one's, worse than some by far!).
But believe in yourself, and while avoiding bad situations is very good to establish new behaviours (repetition is a huge factor in reprogramming your mind), in the end to become free and independent, you also need to learn about yourself, your weaknesses, your fallibility (like everyone else's) and accept who and what you are, and forgive yourself for it, to able to come to terms with it.
I know my view is hardly common or normal, but I hope there's something in there that may make sense. And if there isn't, that means little, beyond the fact that we're all unique, and our own person.

Thank you for the sage advice, boogs. I truly appriciate you being here and reading all of this and interacting with me.

Yeah it took me a really long time to be able to forgive... Actually I'm gonna stop there... I'm still in the process of learning what makes me tick so I CAN forgive myself. I mean maybe I've got it wrong, and I probably do, but I feel like once I get to a place of understanding why (without over intellectualizing it) I am the way I am I can begin to forgive those parts. Like for example I might sit on the couch and beat myself up for not getting up and taking the trash out, and then I'll remember that there are dishes in the sink and then I'll beat myself up because there are clean dishes in the dishwasher and if I had only just unloaded the dishwasher there wouldn't be any dirty dishes in the sink... And omg I haven't taken a shower in like a week people can probably smell the **** out of me...

All of this while I haven't even left the couch.
And it's not that I don't want to take the trash or put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher or take the clean ones out or take a shower or whatever my mind has told me that I didn't do well enough that day, it's that it takes so much mental energy to just do one thing at any given point in time, because I'm always fighting myself to the point that I just shut down.
And I realize what I'm describing is executive dysfunction but it took me like 26 years of living life and constantly beating myself up to realize that there's a name for that and that other people experience it, too.
Then you add on top of all that alexithymia and it makes it where I don't realize I'm internalizing a fight with myself when it happens, I just see what people tell me and people tell me I'm lazy because I'm sitting on the couch doing nothing.

After writing this I can see why I pick on myself so much, and the answer seems to be that I have to be the first to forgive myself before other people do otherwise this cycle of self beating up/blaming will continue.

But yeah it's taken me a long time to identify why I am the way I am, and even though explanation isn't justification for poor behavior, what explanation does do is it gives me a reason for being the way I am other than "because I was lazy" and it appears to me right now in my life I should pinpoint the reasons why I do the things I do and forgive myself for doing them. But like the whole struggle I guess here is I'm not really sure why I do what I do like not all of it is clear to me yet.
And anyways I guess that's part of why I'm writing.

Shelby 8/13/23 4:51am

That made me smile a bit!
"... sit on the couch and beat myself up for not getting up and taking the trash out, and then ..."

I can relate to some of that so well!
I'd not heard of alexithymia before, but I really am very ignorant of much to do with ADS and ADHD etc.
At 61, I only sussed what my own diagnosis was by sheer fluke (well, sort of) in that I've always been filling my head with stuff I can relate to (mostly scientifically oriented stuff - I also worked in chemistry and pharmacology labs for about 20 years, so not qualified but picked up a lot), because I cam across a site describing aphantasia, discovered it fitted (a very weird moment!) like a glove, and started a long 18 months or more of learning much more about all the underlying parts (how brains work, how memory works, where my condition fits in, etc etc), and now have a good handle on some of it (this is very tightly defined, unlike many other autistic behaviour and causes. But that there's something more I can't define because others with same condition, and as extreme (I'm at the far end of it's spectrum - i.e. total), don't always seem to have the problems I have.

But, that's getting a little boring (I talk about myself, to myself, at all hours! And I'm getting fed up with always knowing what I'm going to say to myself next! )!
I'm pleased if I've helped at all, even if only being a welcoming (I hope! ) 'face'.
That said, i can disappear for days (just not able to face even a virtual world!), other times I'll flood the forums and over-share far too much! So if conversations are disjointed, it ain't you mate!

I do sympathise though, having been in similar places, and maybe for not dissimilar reasons in some ways (problems relating to the whole world, and trying to find a place in there where I can survive within a world I live in, that's never been mine, only everyone (it seems) else's!

And it's a pretty personal journey. What the circumstances are (the drug, the environment, the people, etc), I think it's what lead up to that becoming an attempt at escaping some pain or other that you can't even understand or accept (or maybe can), never mind deal with, come to terms with.
And while often accepting you can't always do something alone, even if your helpers can't fully appreciate your situation - as long as they aren't judgemental, they can still make a big difference (there are many types in this field, and sadly some are not good for you (one), (well, from my owe view) as others, and that's something that's very personal, but you've got to feel comfortable and most of all that you can trust someone to be there for you unconditionally.
I have major issues asking for help of others, almost pathological. I had to be pretty much forced into doing it, although inside, I think I was grateful to be so, because it was the right time for it, except for my stubbornness and pride.

"After writing this I can see why I pick on myself so much, and the answer seems to be that I have to be the first to forgive myself before other people do otherwise this cycle of self beating up/blaming will continue."
100%, even 1000%!

"explanation isn't justification for poor behavior, what explanation does do is it gives me a reason for being the way I am other than "because I was lazy"

I have to say, you actually come across as pretty well thought out insode over much of this! You don't seem to be in denial about your problems. You're open-minded, and self critical without being totally self-blaming. We are responsible for ourselves, but not for how we were brought up!
I hesitate to say this as I'm not qualified to say, and it's just a personal opinion, so suspect at least (for you to accept without care and thought), but you sound like you're already a good part-way along to learning about yourself and why things happen as they do, which to my mind, is a big step toward healing yourself (with help where appropriate, of course!). Self knowledge has to be the best thing (to me) as it's only by learning and understanding about yourself that we grow and become healthier people.

Ah! Forget this is a blog I think and I can't edit after posting! So excuse the typing, I usually spend a good 5 mins after posting correcting all the spelling and other mistakes! )

So here's the thing... I think I wanna be done using. Like it's taking up so much of my money, it's weak... like I'm paying $20 every couple days for 15 minutes of high each time, IF that. I just got a sack that seriously idk what it is. Like... Not only did I pay $20 that someone else gave me for gas money, but I waited in a gas station parking lot with a pipe in my car for like 20 minutes. I know it doesn't seem like a long time but it was at 2am in a small town. The cops like to pick on people here. Like I literally don't know how I have been so lucky. I literally don't know how I haven't gotten caught. I haven't been stupid or anything... Like I just break one law at a time... Or at least I try to... But there have been times I've been so high I couldn't see straight and I drove and there was a time where my roommates at the time gave me this huge shot and then sent me with a big ole bag in my pocket to go sale some drugs and then I got pulled over and the officer pulled me into his car and then let me go. Idk if he saw that I was young and he didn't want to mess up my future or what but with the amount of drugs I had in my pocket in the cop car it could've put me away for a long time... I'm feeling really grateful for that cop right now, actually.

Anyways... Yeah... I'd really like to get sober. I'm tired of wasting my money I'm tired of not getting high I'm tired of putting myself or others I love in danger.

See the problem is tomorrow is payday and money is such a huge trigger for me. I know I'm about to get my check tomorrow and then immediately my mind will change. It's like I'm a five year old that can't be trusted around candy but somehow I'm also the adult who tries to keep the kid away from the candy and it all just depends on that very minute which I get to be... And I hate that more than I hate my addiction because it's so stressful. It would be so much better if I could choose to do drugs without the shame. It would be so much better if I could choose to be sober without the drugs reminding me how good they were. It's like I can't be either, because both are too stressful and that is worse than choosing to just be an addict [but then obviously comes the shame].

There's no winning.

Shelby 8/15/23 4:02am

You realise that's out and out abuse? Jeez were you lucky with that cop! Got got a human one by the sound of it.
That's some real vile behaviour on their part.

slw0363 said:

Anyways... Yeah... I'd really like to get sober. I'm tired of wasting my money I'm tired of not getting high I'm tired of putting myself or others I love in danger.

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Y'know, one of the things for me, was it was so ruddy boring! And the others, who only ever talked about the same things again and again, and it was always crap too. Half the time it seemed like escaping from that lifestyle and all the goes with it, more than the rest of the world.
Money is deffo a major one to have to deal with. Me too, very tied to that anticipated day. One thing that helped, is I always managed to avoid going down the path of having to steal, in whatever form that takes, so got more used to having to wait for payday or whatever, riding that wave of anticipation - it's bad in that sense, but it does get you used to the idea that you can get through without, if there's a reward for it that measures up, you want it enough. Needs care though, mustn't become a thing where you either take it for granted, or it becomes too much a transaction. This is why I personally feel that getting to know yourself can make a difference. e.g. When it all falls apart, as it can so easily do (in fact, it should be treated as a part of the process, as long as there are no self-lies to make it seem ok, permitted, iyswim?

Being so bad, and more important, realising that weakness, or feature if you like, let me plan for avoiding, or reducing it. Sometimes, I think (and this must vary from person to person) working on small, but achievable targets, can be a very good way to make progress, especially when the whole thing looks insurmountable. Most people over-set their targets (in many things, new years resolutions are a classic, losing weight is another), and on the first failing, see it as far too much to ever succeed in, and give up.

When a very modest set of improvements are carefully, but easily stuck to (easy, because you make sure you think you can really do them), the chance of success is much higher. The bonus you get from managing this seemingly simple target, is surprisingly beneficial, and will reinforce you're gain in confidence with the next target. Keeping them small and manageable is important, not to over extend too soon from over confidence - that's easy done, but if you feel the urge, it means it's working! But important to take your time, it's something for life, so if it takes time to do properly, that's because it's important enough to need doing right.

I think you have to learn to be forgiving to yourself, but also critical, but in a productive way. Trying to recognise behaviours that have so far come from your subconscious, and hence uncontrollable, often impossible to even see. Treating a lapse or relapse, as a mistake to learn from, and making a mistake, if you really do face your own part in it, will teach you more about yourself, and how you interact with the world, far far more than just getting something right by chance. But hating yourself for something (I'm assuming there's no abuse of others, beyond what affects people because of your illness, and is not by intent) rarely has a good outcome. Is it better to punish yourself (making yourself more open to be used by your addictions) needlessly for 'failing', or to accept what's happened. Try to understand why, try to think what may help overcome it for next time. Even succeeding in that isn't the most important thing, it's learning to do it, because success is erratic, and takes it's time if it's genuine.

Asked perplexity AI
what are some ways to reframe a perplexing situation

When reframing a perplexing situation, there are several techniques you can try:

1. Challenge negative thoughts: Identify negative or unhelpful thoughts related to the situation and question their validity. Consider if there are alternative perspectives or more positive ways to view the situation[1].

2. Change the context: Shift the problem from its original environment or context. By changing the setting, you may be able to see new possibilities or solutions[2].

3. Question the question: Take a step back and examine the assumptions and biases underlying the problem. By questioning the initial question or problem statement, you may uncover new insights or approaches[3].

4. Practice cognitive reframing: Become aware of your thoughts and how they shape your perspective on the situation. Challenge and reframe negative or limiting thoughts to create a more positive and constructive mindset[4].

In summary, reframing a perplexing situation involves challenging negative thoughts, changing the context, questioning assumptions, and practicing cognitive reframing. These techniques can help shift your perspective and find new ways to approach the situation.

Shelby 8/17/23 4:59pm

Hi everybody I just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten about this, it's just that I can write a lot when I'm high because I'm super focused, but I haven't been getting high recently. And it's not that I haven't been trying it's just that the stuff around here is so weak. Anyways. I'm doing ok. Sitting at work right now I've got 33 minutes till I get off and then I'll be off until Friday thank baby Jesus lol.
I love you and I'll talk to you soon,
Shelby 8/20/23 11:27pm

slw0363 said:

For those who can't read the blog details for whatever reason: This is written 8/8/23 at 10:44pm.
Hello... My name is Shelby. I'm a guy, yes I know I have a girls name. But that's OK because I'm gay so I'm kinda halfway anyways haha. I've been looking for a place to put a blog for a very long time. I used to have a blog on a website called bluelight, but I got bullied off of it and it just ended badly for a multitude of reasons.

However I thought it was really cathartic to write like I figured a lot of things about myself and I got to bounce some ideas off of other people and mostly I heard back how stupid those ideas were but also I heard some good feedback too, and I'm really grateful for that.

I love writing. I'm much better with my written words than I am my speaking words. I don't say too much in real life but it all comes out in my writing.

Just so that way you know... I'm in active addiction. I've tried NA, AA, and rehab and none of them have worked, even though I absolutely hated my addiction from the beginning. My doc (drug of choice) is methamphetamine. I usually smoke it but my favorite way is shooting it. I've been an addict for about 8 years now and I've had stretches of clean time, and I had a lot of cleantime when I was writing on bluelight so I'm hoping to go down that route again on this website.

Ultimately what I'm hoping to achieve with this blog is I want to help other autistics who are in my situation. Autistics who didn't know they were autistics, autistics who wonder why the conventional way of rehab and 12 steps doesn't work for them. The idea here is that one day I'm going to find a way out of this ******** and I'll have the ultimate guide written down on how to get clean for autistics with adhd and pda.

Because nobody should be in this alone and then have someone tell them that they're not trying hard enough just because they don't get it. No you ARE trying, and I see you, it's THEM that doesn't get YOU, not the other way around. I know how hard it is to see so many other autistics in addiction as well and wonder why there hasn't been a solution to this already. Why nobody even acknowledges that you're more likely to be an addict if you're neurodivergent... I know... And we're going to make it out of this... Together... I know how hard it is. And you're not alone.

I'll probably come back and rewrite this intro one day but that's all I got for now.
It's okay to write me I'm looking to have more interaction with other autistic people.

I'm glad you're here.

Shelby 8/8/23 11:04pm

PS. It made me attach a photo for some reason. That's my dog. He's a good boy. He's also my best friend. His name is Butch, or, Butchy or Butchy L ee or Mr. Puddin pie

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How are Autistics that don't know they're Autistic going to find a blog on a forum for Autistics?

Hi. I know it's been a minute since I've said anything. I hope y'all are doing ok. Today is my birthday and last night I got high for the last time ever. I met up with this dude from grindr and smoked with him and then left my pipe and stuff at his place. It was a very interesting hookup I guess because there wasn't much hooking up, because he had a pretty big psychosis episode, talking about lizard people in government and how the movie jupiter rising is real and that I was some angelic being who forgot who I was... He wants to basically have a relationship with me but he's in his upper 40s and I'm 29 just today and I just.... That with the psychosis plus he uses right like I'm not trying to keep in my life people who use because that's not the direction I'm going in my life, right? With all of that I just don't think it's going to work out, which sucks, right, because I hardly ever get anybody interested in ME. I mean I hardly put myself out there really and when I'm not on drugs my sex drive is basically non existant so I'm pretty cool with being alone. Like sometimes I'll get a hair up my ass about how I want to be with someone but that feeling quickly fades, usually. Anyways... I'm going to try to come here every time I have a craving or if I find myself doomscrolling. Here's to day 1... And 29 years old.
Shelby 9/27/2023 2:05pm

Aunty Autie said:

How are Autistics that don't know they're Autistic going to find a blog on a forum for Autistics?

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I was an autistic who didn't know I was autistic my whole life up until about 26 years old and here I am haha.

I get what you mean though. Maybe I'll just focus on blogging my everyday life first and see where it goes from there.
Shelby 9/27/23 2:07pm

So what I should have done was come here way earlier to draw an action plan to say no... And I knew it was going to happen and still I did it anyways... So I work with my dealer. Like not only that but my dealer lives at the hotel that I work at so it's like... Double bad. I know the solution would be to find another job but I'm dedicated to making this work out 1: because it's easy 2: because I'm tired of job hopping like I'm 29 now and I've never held down a single job since I started working at 18 for more than a year and I feel like that's rediculous. 3: because my boss is really supportive of me and I really like my boss...

So anyways my dealer texted me up asking me to take him to the casino tonight and we smoked before we went...

And it's not that I'm mad or dissapointed in fact I don't feel anything towards what I did. Like I want to change but I've been this way for so long that I don't even know how to do different. And when I say I've been this way for so long I don't mean using although maybe that's part of it, sure, but I'm talking about the cycle of getting high - feel regret - feign like THAT is what I have been so long. And I don't know how to get out of that cycle. I mean I did a year ago for 6 months but it involved me moving to a place where I thought drugs were strictly prohibited and also it was a new city altogether. Like is there no way to break the cycle without having to move away? I don't have anywhere to move TO at this point.

You know what? It's like I have multiple personality disorder (disassociative identity disorder) and one of my personalities is hell bent on getting high.

It's like an ocd fixation that I can't shake the feeling until I do it, and I absolutely must do it.

It's like I'm a kid in a candy store without an adult, and I might behave for a minute but in the end I cannot trust myself to make the right desicion...

It's like... I'm also the adult in the candy store watching over a kid who cannot behave himself...

Im the adult trying to tell myself to behave and to pick up pieces and I'm also the child incapable of being alone with the candy.

And I'm sad about that... That's not the type of existence I want to live, but I don't know how to get out.

It makes sense to me that whatever God there is sent us here to learn a lesson, because I must have a huge one to learn. And I wish I would learn it before it kills me. Times a tickin and heart failure when you're abusing stimulants is always right around the corner.

Shelby 9/28/29 4:19am

Trying to embed videos into my blog so I can share important tik toks I find with you. Let's see if this works!
Shelby 9/29/23 1:31am